I put my life on hold for too long

LegacyUser

It's been over two years since myself and my boyfriend split up. I'm so embarrassed to say it but I still think about him and what happened every single day. It's disgraceful that after all this time I'm still so weak that I give him any space in my head at all. We broke up on bad, bad terms. He was unfaithful and emotionally very abusive, telling me I should know my place and that I deserve everything he does to me. He was under a lot of pressure at the time and I also found out he was using various drugs.
I know I probably sound like some kind of trailor trash for putting up with it but the fact is I'm quite intelligent, I graduated from uni aged 20 and I've always held down a job through it all. I do work very hard and I expect high standards from myself. I just let it all slip with this guy.

The most shameful thing is we weren't even together very long. It was a short relationship, about 7 months I think. I should be well over it by now and even though I'm really hurt about how he ended it with me, I do sometimes still miss him and remember what it was like when it was just me and him alone, with no outsiders becoming involved. I was 17 when I got with him and he was my first real love. As silly as it sounds, I did trust him and despite his reputation as a cheater I believed him when he said things felt different with me. Our relationship was very intense, I nearly lost him twice due to health complications. When things were good between us, everything felt perfect. Yet anytime I stepped a line out of place I'd be subjected to all kinds of abuse but rather than realising at the time that what he was saying wasn't true, I kind of just let it wash over me and never really got upset around him.

Except when he walked off with this girl he'd been texting, right in front of me. I was so humiliated, I went home and at about 4am he text me to say he didn't think we were working out. The next day he dumped me and said he'd kill himself if I told anyone how he treated me. I never cried so hard in my life and even now, two years on, when I think about that moment, I feel crushed.

It's so stupid, I've been with people since but anytime it doesn't work out, rather than being upset about them, I think straight back to him and our break up. I've never really spoken to him since the break up. I tried to once but he was just being sleazy so I gave up. I've only seen him twice since he broke up with me and both times was when he brought that girl to my friends house. ridiculous! So I wonder is the fact I never got any answers or any closure why I can't forget him? Two years on, I've graduated, got a great job, achieved some great goals and yet this childish, horrible past is still in the back of my head.

I know I just need to cop on and forget him, I don't tell anyone how I feel about him because I know it's stupid. I don't know how it's going to stop. I'm definately much better now, in that my self esteem is a bit better and I am, in general, a very happy person. I'm just exhausted carrying this around with me, it felt like such a horrible attack on me when I was still pretty innocent and I can't seem to get past it. Do you think it's shameful to suggest I really do love him? Or am I just stupid?

LegacyUser

hi its the op here I should apologise, I rambled off way too much. I guess the main thing I want to get opinions on are whether I should get in touch with him and try show myself he's really no big loss. Or will it eventually fade away and not bother me every single day? That was my main point in posting. For advice on what to do now. Sorry for the rambling first post

Agent J

No one ever said love was smart.

2 years is a bit much though imho but if its your 1st love well its well possible. Maybe consider seeing a professional counsellor about things? Sounds like there is quite a mess there which maybe you havent quite untangled yet and as much as some people here would like to help we'd be all taking pot shots in the dark.

Stop being so hard on yourself though. You made a mistake. It happens. You'll make more. But you'll learn a lot from them.

If i may though. NEVER let someone blackmail you with the "I'll kill myself if you dont do /do x " line. It is one of the worst emotional blackmail tricks in the book.
You dont derserve to be abusive and manipluted like that and if you learn at a young age that then you are miles a head of people who stay in relationships like that all of their lives.

LegacyUser

I'll be honest, and I don't mean to be harsh, but he sounds like a bit of a pr1ck. I would not give him the satisfaction of getting back in touch with him...

I still can't get over the amount of women who seem to have no problem with men treating them like dirt....

ManOfMystery

A lot of people on here go out with people who are insulting/abusive to them, and then find it hard to 'get over' that person for years.

IMO, it's not because you were so madly in love with him - it's purely down to the emotional impact the hurt had on you. He treated you like rubbish and that impact had a huge effect on you, and you will forever link it to him. Don't confuse it with love or believe that the things he told you were true underneath it all - actions speak louder than words and what he did was horrible.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

A lot of people on here go out with people who are insulting/abusive to them, and then find it hard to 'get over' that person for years.

IMO, it's not because you were so madly in love with him - it's purely down to the emotional impact the hurt had on you. He treated you like rubbish and that impact had a huge effect on you, and you will forever link it to him. Don't confuse it with love or believe that the things he told you were true underneath it all - actions speak louder than words and what he did was horrible.

That advice is so spot on. You will think that I am mad, but I had a 10 year relationship that was emotionaly abusive towards the end and I could just not get over it. It has taken me 10 years so that is 20 years wasted.

I totally agree with this poster here, it is not because I was madly in love with him (I was at the time), but that soon died, but what was left was the impact of the hurt because I could not simply believe he treated me the way he did.

Do yourself a favour, dont waste time like I did on someone who is not worth it. I have just finally woken up after such a long time of hurt and cant believe I put myself through it Your confidence also takes a knock and it can be hard to recover.

Like you, I was(am) v. attractive and intelligent and people were always saying what did I see in him. I thought he was my soul mate and it almost destroyed me.


Good luck with it.