Don't want to be bitter

angry12

Don’t know if this is the right place for this, but I could do with a bit of advice. I’ve become very bitter, kind of hardened in recent months, and I’m also very angry.
I basically don’t believe that ‘good’ people do well in the world, and when I look around and see how many people who don’t treat people right get ahead, are successful etc. and it makes me really, really angry.
I’ve tried very hard in terms of work, and with women but I don’t feel I’ve gotten anywhere…I’ve become quite resentful of some people, including people quite close to me because they mightn't treat people well, but everything goes their way..
Relations of mine, cousins, would have had a very privileged background growing up compared to mine in a one-parent family and there life seems to have been very easy. I look at them and I feel fairly envious.
Even as adults the likes of those people seem to do very well. I’ve been trying to improve my circumstances and my job, but with absolutely no success even though I’ve applied for positions which I have the criteria for, but with no joy.
I’m seriously considering setting a deadline, and if things haven’t changed by then, I might pack my job in in Ireland and head abroad.Has anyone ever felt like this before?
What should I do? I feel like I’ve been hitting my head against a brick wall here. Connections and family ties seem to be what gets people ahead here and better jobs, and in the Ireland of 2009.
I don’t know where to start with this but I’ve realised lately that I am very, very angry person, not outwardly but definitely I feel angry quite a bit but I can’t put my finger on it or know how to deal with it.
On paper I’ve done all the things which are supposed to deliver success, college, work hard etc, treat people well but I feel like people have screwed me over.
I’m probably a bit preoccupied by fairness, and maybe I’m a little idealistic, but I am running out of ideas as to what to do.
I'm approaching 30, hope this is some sort of a faze I'm going through..can anyone relate?

Gman1

angry12 wrote: »

Connections and family ties seem to be what gets people ahead here and better jobs, and in the Ireland of 2009.

This is very true, and I can tell you 2 places that are definitely like this. MCD and Mark and Spencers. It is very hard to get a job in these places, believe me. Yet I know people who have relatives in there, and get jobs instantly. They also have less experience. There isnt many jobs around at the moment, especially for me a college student struggling to get by. If i could pack up and get a job and go to somewhere I probably would.

Rb

Depending on what industry you're working in really. In a lot of places the ability to stab others in the back and to lick arse will get you a hell of a lot further than keeping your head down and getting on with things.

If you're in such an environment and aren't comfortable with doing these things, yet want to "succeed", then it might be time to consider moving into another area?

Altar_Ego_Boy

angry12 wrote: »

Don’t know if this is the right place for this, but I could do with a bit of advice. I’ve become very bitter, kind of hardened in recent months, and I’m also very angry.
I basically don’t believe that ‘good’ people do well in the world, and when I look around and see how many people who don’t treat people right get ahead, are successful etc. and it makes me really, really angry.
I’ve tried very hard in terms of work, and with women but I don’t feel I’ve gotten anywhere…I’ve become quite resentful of some people, including people quite close to me because they mightn't treat people well, but everything goes their way..
Relations of mine, cousins, would have had a very privileged background growing up compared to mine in a one-parent family and there life seems to have been very easy. I look at them and I feel fairly envious.
Even as adults the likes of those people seem to do very well. I’ve been trying to improve my circumstances and my job, but with absolutely no success even though I’ve applied for positions which I have the criteria for, but with no joy.
I’m seriously considering setting a deadline, and if things haven’t changed by then, I might pack my job in in Ireland and head abroad.Has anyone ever felt like this before?
What should I do? I feel like I’ve been hitting my head against a brick wall here. Connections and family ties seem to be what gets people ahead here and better jobs, and in the Ireland of 2009.
I don’t know where to start with this but I’ve realised lately that I am very, very angry person, not outwardly but definitely I feel angry quite a bit but I can’t put my finger on it or know how to deal with it.
On paper I’ve done all the things which are supposed to deliver success, college, work hard etc, treat people well but I feel like people have screwed me over.
I’m probably a bit preoccupied by fairness, and maybe I’m a little idealistic, but I am running out of ideas as to what to do.
I'm approaching 30, hope this is some sort of a faze I'm going through..can anyone relate?

Mr Angry...you should have a look at one of the Zen textbooks, like 'Zen Training' by Sekida. I was going through a phase exactly like the one you describe and I found Zen really helped me slow things down and get control of my emotions.

Its true that life aint fair but its the key to a successful life is to be able to be philosophical about all the worlds injustices. Some of the things about society you mentioned are true but then again sometimes you sound a bit hysterical. For instance if you think connections and family ties are important here then spend some time in Italy or Spain. Those countries make Ireland look like an oasis of impartiality.

I think if you want to be content you need to get your calmness back. Your own ego is the only thing you have any real control over.

LegacyUser

i feel very similar to you.
i also have thoughts to get out, to just cut off most ppl and start anew somewhere else. might happen, might not

betterman

im in the same boat i go in do my hours my boss treats me like crapp. i do over time wit an hours notice. i no im the best worker in my job i am not a yes man. but thoes in work who come in late and do a half arsed job get further. ps my employers sponser the donegal team

discobeaker

Gman1 wrote: »

This is very true, and I can tell you 2 places that are definitely like this. MCD and Mark and Spencers.

Gotta agree with you there mate on MCD. They wouldnt know decent music if it hit them in the face!!!!

OP i know exactly how you feel. Im kinda in the same situation as yourself and i just feel down all the bloody time. Just hang in there mate,your not alone!!!

DamoDLK

Dude, you can apply for a Working travelling visa for Oz, up to 6 weeks before you turn 30! DO IT!!! at least if you have it - you'll have it and can go anytime once you have it. lasts 3 years before it expires! Get away for a while - put things into perspective! Its not easy, but its made me appreciate things which I had at home in Ireland a lot more!

heres a link for ya

www.goworkabout.com

WellyJ

You sound like the kind of person that allows themselved to be walked all over. Please do not take that as an insult. It's all well and good being a nice person but there are times when you need to have another side to your personality. It is no surprise whatsoever that people who are willing to treat people badly to get ahead, get ahead. If a few people are competing over a position in a company, you can be sure it won't be that nice guy in the corner who will get this position. It is the people who stand out, and will stand up for themselves that will be looked at first. An employer needs to know that you can handle yourself and be able to place responsibility on your shoulders without worrying you will be unable to manage it.

You mention you have failed with women too, and again similar issues present themselves here. As much as women will say they just "want a nice guy" it is almost always not true. Some women will just spit that line out, without even second guessing it, and probably genuinely believe it to be true. But attraction is not built that way. In the long run they probably do want a nice guy to settle down with, but being a really nice guy is not an attractive trait. It's not their fault by the way, a lot of studies suggest that this is "preprogrammed" from our tribal ancestry, women would attach themselves to the alpha-male to guarantee their safety. This kind of instinct does not disappear overnight and it is very much still alive today. I look around at people I work with and my friends, and it is consistently the nicest guys that you would never see with a girl, but have lots of female friends. Women like to have male friends that are nice guys, because they do not feel sexually threatened by them, they subconsciously cross them out as a potential mate. This is where "the friend zone" comes from. I do not mean to tar all women with one brush, there are many things that can have an effect on this and change it. If a women is treated very badly in a previous relationship she may be more attracted to a genuinely nice guy for example.

I am not saying that being a nice guy is a bad thing, of course it isn't. But you have to learn to adapt to situations. Directing all your anger and bitterness internally is really the worst thing you can do. The next time someone/something annoys you, think what you can do to fix this. If it requires you to get annoyed and act like an asshole, don't let that stop you. I know from experience that it is much better to get this out then to just smile and then later on still feel really angry. There is a line of course, there are people who are actually just assholes and you don't want to become one of them either.

A friend of mine was in an almost identical situation to you, and a lot of your post bares a striking resemblance to what he used to say to me. But he sorted this out, and is unrecognisable to his former self. He is still a nice guy, but he knows when to be nice and when to show some backbone.

The bottom line is, people respect you a lot more if you are not a doormat. Colleagues, friends, the opposite sex etc.

My 2 cents...

Pete4779

angry12 wrote: »

Don’t know if this is the right place for this, but I could do with a bit of advice. I’ve become very bitter, kind of hardened in recent months, and I’m also very angry.
I basically don’t believe that ‘good’ people do well in the world, and when I look around and see how many people who don’t treat people right get ahead, are successful etc. and it makes me really, really angry.

Who told you that by treating people right made you successful?

Your terms and framework of what is successful seem exactly the same as the people you are angry with. If you have the same goals and they have figured out a way to achieve them, stop putting your misguided morals in the way.

Oh and women do want a nice guy. They don't want to have sex with a nice guy, but they do like nice guys. Nice guys do nice things for them like buy them things, etc., . Nowhere did women suddenly say though, that they want to have sex with them or have an adult relationship with them. Stop reading into things in life and take people at face value.

WellyJ

Pete4779 wrote: »

Who told you that by treating people right made you successful?

Your terms and framework of what is successful seem exactly the same as the people you are angry with. If you have the same goals and they have figured out a way to achieve them, stop putting your misguided morals in the way.

Oh and women do want a nice guy. They don't want to have sex with a nice guy, but they do like nice guys. Nice guys do nice things for them like buy them things, etc., . Nowhere did women suddenly say though, that they want to have sex with them or have an adult relationship with them. Stop reading into things in life and take people at face value.

Yeh that is correct, of course they are not adverse to having some guy buy them nice things and smother them in kindness. The issue arises when that guy becomes confused as to why they are not desperate to drop their knickers in return. I would wager that something similar has happened to the OP, perhaps more than once.

tbh

if you're acting nice because you think it'll help you go further, get paid more etc etc you're in for a life of heartache.

The only reason you should be nice is because when you look at yourself in the mirror, you can honestly say "It doesn't matter how crappy other people treat me, it doesn't define my behaviour. I'm in charge of how I feel and I decide what kind of person I'm going to be".

Trust me, it's worth it.