Older man and parents?

LegacyUser

ok first off let me apologize if this is more a relationship issues problem but really i don´t think it is.
I´m au pairing in france...or at least i was until yesterday till me and the family decided things weren´t working. we left it on friendly terms and i decided to go and stay with a friend. That was all fine but i didn´t know his address and his phone was off and father (of the family i was au pairing for) couldn´t hang around all day waiting so he said he´d drop me with one of his friends. that was cool the guy is a 41 year old divorced man with 2 kids. we got on great and he even offered to let me stay on til the begining of September as an au pair for his kids when they get back from their mother´s. I didn´t accept but i was planning on it and made that clear to my parents. Later last night things went wrong...honestly I feel slightly taken advadtage of. Don´t get me wrong I´m not blameless I knew he was coming on to me and I didn´t stop him but i mean I was very upset, i needed someone to hold me and tell me it was alright plus i had had quite a lot of wine. anyway I´m not here to jutify what happened but I think most of you will agree it would e inapropriate to continue living with him. but the problem is basically how do I tell my parents?? I know what you´re thinking "grow up, who cares what your parents think, you´re an adult aren´t you?" but I want to be straight with them but there are somethings parent don´t want to hear about...like, for instance, their 19 sleeping with 41 year old father of two.
I really don´t know what to tell them...also what do i tell the man? He´s perfectly happy to have me living there as somesort mistress/nanny and can´t understand why the age matters....but the main problem is with my parents what can I tell them??

Xiney

You don't have to tell your parents anything you don't want to - you are an adult and your relationships are none of their business.

Just tell them that you thought it would work out but that the terms of the employment were not what you expected and leave it at that. (Allude to not enough money, having to share a room with the kids, or not being allowed to discipline the children at all at your discretion and depending on how pushy your parents are)

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Later last night things went wrong...honestly I feel slightly taken advadtage of. Don´t get me wrong I´m not blameless I knew he was coming on to me and I didn´t stop him but i mean I was very upset, i needed someone to hold me and tell me it was alright plus i had had quite a lot of wine.

I'm getting the impression that this is the real problem & not what to tell your parents? Do you feel comfortable with staying with this man yourself? If you feel it's not right then try to contact your friend & leave there.

LegacyUser

That man is taking advantage of you.

And just cause you are 19 doesnt mean that he has a right to. Please get out of that situation as soon as you can. All you need to tell your parents is that it didnt work out and you have reconsidered and want to move on from the job. They can read between the lines themselves.

Obviously this man has no morals if he is treating you like this - and he is fully aware that giving you too much wine is an easy ticket for him as your own judgement is impared then.

Dont give into his ego

cowzerp

Unregistered wrote: »

but the problem is basically how do I tell my parents?? I know what you´re thinking "grow up, who cares what your parents think, you´re an adult aren´t you?" but I want to be straight with them but there are somethings parent don´t want to hear about...like, for instance, their 19 sleeping with 41 year old father of two.

I really don´t know what to tell them..

Are you for real?

Do they tell you whenever they have sex?

A parent does not want to know when there daughter had sex and knowing is not helpfull to you or them, its actually a bit creepy that you fell the need to tell them

and as far as your man goes-just tell him you dont feel its appropriate that you continue to live there and move out-end of.

CDfm

I have a 18 yo son.I just cannot imagine him coming to me and to discuss his sex life. If he did come to me and say I am sleeping with a 41 yo my only reaction would be I hope you are using protection.

It really isn't an issue for your parents. Who may or may not be shocked its an issue for you tbh.

Now if your au pairing stint in France has not worked out and you want to come home then tell them that and that alone. If however, you feel the relationship you have found yourself in is not for you,then, thats your own business and you don't need Mammy and Daddy to tell you that.

You don't need to tell them and they don't need to tell you to leave -that is a decision that you make yourself.

I can't see why you want to tell them - chalk it down to experience and make up your own mind.You are old enough to make up your own mind if you want to come home and from your post nobody is forcing you to stay.

Firetrap

Your parents do not need (or possibly want) to hear anything about your sex life. You should be at an age where you are behaving like an adult and you don't have to keep running back to Mammy and Daddy every time something goes wrong.

What's ringing alarm bells with me isn't so much what you did with the 41 year old man but that you seem to be still accountable to your parents at 19 years of age. Fair enough, they're probably a bit concerned about you out in France and don't want to see you coming to any harm. On the other hand, are you not at an age where you should be filtering out the gory details from your life if you do tell your olds what's going on?

Why not just tell them that it's not working out for you and switch jobs again or come home. They don't need any more explanation than that. Or if they do, just say you didn't like the man or he gave you the creeps.

MizzLolly

Apologies if I may seem a bit harsh here OP, I know you're a bit upset at the minute but your post just seems crazy to me. Even the fact that you feel that you should tell your parents that he 'took advantage of you'. I'm the same age as you and to be perfectly honest, I'm capable of making decisions the very same way a 41 year old can. The bottom line is that you're both adults and from what you've written I got the impression that you were both drinking when it happened. (apologies if I'm wrong in assuming that he was also drinking)

I'm not saying you are fully to blame, you both made a mistake but I don't think it's fair to say it was anything more than that. You admitted yourself that you felt lonely and you wanted somebody to hold you. You are an adult and you decided you wanted to be with him lastnight. I don't think accusing him of taking advantage is at all fair.

Granted, he is employing you to mind his children. His relationship with you should have gone no further than that but this has nothing to do with your age. It was irresponsible on his part but not because of the age gap. You're old enough to know what's what.

Obviously you're still feeling pretty upset so I don't want to say something that will make you feel any worse but I do think that this trip to France is something you are not ready for. The fact that you feel the need to tell your parents about your sexual encounters is shocking, you're not a 15 year old who got drunk and woke up in a ditch. You said yourself you knew what you were doing. You don't need to tell your parents. I get the impression that you are still very much playing the role of mammy and daddy's little girl. The fact that you've made an adult decision and that you woke up to regret it is your responsibility, not your parents. I think you probably feel like you've been backed into a corner and because you're craving your home and want to be back with your family, you're allowing yourself too easily to fall into the 'childs' role here and accusing this man of taking advantage when he really hasn't. I'm guessing your parents still treat you as a child and you're feeling guilty about not behaving the way they expect you to.

You should reconsider your summer as an au pair. I don't think you're quite ready to cut the apron strings and you're not enjoying being away from your parents. Go home and do some growing up (I mean that in the nicest way possible, your post reminded me so much of my best friend) You haven't been taken advantage of, you made a decision that you regret now based on the fact that you were feeling lonely and unhappy being away from home. Go back to your parents and take care of yourself.

(but in future be very careful about accusing somebody of taking advantage, not a nice accusation, especially when it's said through guilt and panic!)

Sorry to hear you're so upset. Feel better soon.