What's wrong with me?

LegacyUser

Good evening, denizens of PI.

I have an...odd problem I want to talk about. I'm the youngest of four children and growing up was always very close to my elder brothers. For reasons I won't go into here my sister didn't feature heavily in my life - let's just say family issues got in the way.

Now, I know I'm gay, I've long since accepted that and am comfortable with it. My problem is that sometimes my feelings of love for my brothers go beyond, shall we say, simple fraternal love.

Is it because of how close I always was to them? It may be worth mentioning that I was also sexually abused as a child - by no one in my family, though - and I can't help but wonder if this has coloured my view of sexuality and relationships.
There are times when I'm so infatuated I can't see the problem but I know it is. It's not normal and I shouldn't feel this way.

No, this is not an elaborate joke, none of it is. I say that because looking back at what I've typed I realise how ridiculous it sounds.

So, any ideas? Is it just the way I am or could there be something else?

Overheal

That sounds unusual, actually. Normally sibling closeness is a strong factor against sexual attraction. The Westermarck Effect.

Its the way you are. Stating the obvious. But if you want a good reason why or how, speaking with a psychologist would most likely be beneficial to you.

Mr Benevolent

Hmm... strange one. Best to speak to a psychologist or counsellor. Are you attracted to other guys outside your family?

PK2008

The 2 factors at play here- the sexual abuse, and your homosexuality have probably lead to alot of intense internal analysis of sexuality- yours, others and societies in general.

While alot of people will analyse their sexuality, it is probably more intense in those who feel resticted in expressing it. When a person believes that rigorous self-analysis will lead to a discovery that will 'un-restrict' them, then they will fervently and obsessively analyse, beyond the point that many others do, as they pursue their own freedom. When no resolution is found in conventional logic or societal norms the person will start looking at unconventional answers which can lead to questioning taboo's. (Intense artists often follow this journey)

In your case I would imagine both the common repression of homosexuality combined with the repression of negative emotions involved in sexual abuse have set you off on this intense introspective journey- during which you have probably internally explored sexuality from every angle, including the the taboos you mentioned, in relentless pursuit of trying to understand yourself, your sexuality, the abuse etc.

While it is not common, I would not be surprised if it is simply self-respession leading to deep internalisation which is finding its only outlet in pushing boundaries.

If so, you need to alleviate the internalised sexuality by externalising it, ie liberating it.

Have you come out yet?
(I know you said you are comfortable with being gay- but unless you feel comfortable expressing it, then that may be a place to start)

LegacyUser

OP is it possible that you only think you are gay because of the abuse?

thedeadpoet

I believe as long as its not acted upon there's very little reason to let it cause disruption to your life. Thoughts are merely that - thoughts - and not actions.

valery

Therapy will be a huge help to you and you should go and arrange some now.

AckwelFoley

valery wrote: »

Therapy will be a huge help to you and you should go and arrange some now.

this is the best thing i can advise you.

You need to learn to understand what is muddling your feelings for your siblings.

LegacyUser

Hello again.

Alright, thank you all for the advice. I was hoping to avoid it - for fear someone might find out - but seeking professional help does seem like the best option.

While there is no risk of me acting on these feelings I want to understand why I feel the way I do. Again, thank you all.

Overheal

Theres no risk in seeking professional help. They are bound to confidentiality.

viggi-tea

I'd say dont beat yourself up about these feelings. Theres lots of reasons these can well up. You may be especially lonely or find it hard to trust people. Its possible that theres no one around whom you respect (or trust as much) as your brothers and as such feel disinterested in or intimidated by the men in your life apart from them. Issues associated with the abuse you suffered may be having an affect on your relationships so the best thing would probably be to see a counsellor and get it all out in the open. Maybe once you've talked about it properly you'll be able to get to the bottom of your feelings.