He's just not that into you

pikachucheeks

Has anyone seen this film, or read the book?

I got the book the other day, free with a magazine! And I'm about half-way through it at the moment.

Really impressed with it so far, I have to say. It's funny and it's basically about how not to take excuses, that if he's not calling you/asking you on dates/having sex with you, he's just not that interested in you.

Something in the first chapter "He's just not that into you, if he's not asking you out" posed a few questions for me.

"Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do... We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children - sometimes all at the same time...

I know it's an infuriating concept - that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth"

So guys, would you agree that you like to do the chasing, rather than be chased?

Would a woman chasing you put you off her?

And ladies, do you think it is "insulting" to be hold we should have to sit there and let a guy chase us? Do you prefer letting a guy run after you, or do you prefer to put the effort in?

Latchy

I think the fear of not capturing the object of your desire ( rejection ) might put a lot of guys girls off the chase but sometimes like swings and roundabouts , the chasers become the chased

minidazzler

"He's just not that into you, if he's not asking you out"

I call bull, I am well into a few girls but I am too scared to ask them out as they are good friends, something I do not wish to ruin. So this is Bull.

pikachucheeks

I'm not sure if I agree that women shouldn't chase men! I think it is possible that some men are shy and would like to be pursued by a woman, rather than having to approach the woman themselves.

I think given the modern times we live in, how men and women are seen as equal, there's no reason why a woman shouldn't pursue a man!

minidazzler

I think it's quite sad when I hear women say it should be men doing the pursuing, this could because I'm a scardy cat:D, but still, if a woman knows what she wants she should go after it with everything in her arsenal same with men, even though I don't practice what I preach.

Latchy

pikachucheeks wrote: »

I'm not sure if I agree that women shouldn't chase men! I think it is possible that some men are shy and would like to be pursued by a woman, rather than having to approach the woman themselves.

That is very true

think given the modern times we live in, how men and women are seen as equal, there's no reason why a woman shouldn't pursue a man!

And many women do PC ,it's nothing new tbh but equally like women , some men will run a mile if the person who is chasing them does so in an obsessive way .But it's not a reflection on your 'chasing ' skills if one fails to capture somebody attention .It's known when to give up the chase that's important .

Handsome Bob

pikachucheeks wrote: »

So guys, would you agree that you like to do the chasing, rather than be chased?

Would a woman chasing you put you off her?

I wouldn't mind being chased, in fact I would prefer it. Just once the person is not aggressive it's nice to know that I've made that kind of an impact on someone where they throw caution to the wind.

Fugly

I'm seen interviews with the author a few times, very funny.

I think like all pop psychology books there's a grain of truth it in and of course it will apply to certain situations and people. I have bought the book for a friend who was the type who never really understood that the guy who had a one night stand with her and never called, wasn't going to and was not eager to be her bf.

Personally I like men who if they like me will act upon it, I don't play hard to get or any games. I never really saw the appeal. I wouldn't have a problem approaching a man, never been in a situation where I was in a position to. But I would never chase, like I say in that area I'm not a "game player".

sleepyescapade

Weird, only just finished watching that movie! Thought it was great. I don't enjoy playing games though. If I like a guy I'll tell him. If it's mutual, great. If not, so be it. I plucked up a lot of courage to tell my OH that I liked him, convinced he'd say no, but it's all worked out well so far! ^_^

barleybooley

Yeah, but have you read the end?

He says the book is only a bit of craic (as I suspected, hence reading the last few pages first) and BAM, you're back at square one wondering why he hasn't returned one of your 97 calls your calls considering the glorious drunken sex enjoyed the night before.

Sinall

I've seen the film and read the book. I think both sexes should be free to chase/pursue/show interest if that's what works for them. The part that I completely agree with is being honest with yourself - and not lying/fooling yourself into thinking someone is into you when they aren't!

It's easily done.....eg..."Oh he hasn't rung because he is busy at work/he lost my number/he likes me but is scared to admit it etc etc...I will now call/text him many times to give him countless opportunities to do something about it!" It's easy to make excuses and fool ourselves but it can be very refreshing and revitalising to admit he's just not that into me. But it's okay, once we're honest with ourselves we can accept it, let it go and move on!

Snowie

I think chasing a woman is like chasing rainbow's to a degree.
as the above poster said Id rather have it straight, I'm not one for running around after a girl if I want a thrill I'l do a bunji jump or go climbing or skating.
I prefer the straight up, approach still doesn't always work but its less hassle....
It seems very expectant to me and very one sided. There's two people in any couple, be it a relationship or getting to no each other, why is one person so important or maybe i just have self regard I don't know...

JC 2K3

I've heard that men apparently like to be the chasers, enjoy the "thrill of the hunt" etc., and seemingly would be put off by a woman asking them out/chasing them.

However, I cannot relate to this in the slightest, nor do I believe that the majority of guys I know could.

It might have been true 20/30 years ago, and still might be true in certain groups of guys, but it's nowhere near universally the case, IME.

Greyfox

So guys, would you agree that you like to do the chasing, rather than be chased?

Would a woman chasing you put you off her?

And ladies, do you think it is "insulting" to be hold we should have to sit there and let a guy chase us? Do you prefer letting a guy run after you, or do you prefer to put the effort in?[/QUOTE]

Saw the film a couple of weeks ago and think a lot of what's said in the film is very true! If a guy is not texting or asking a girl out it's because he thinks he can do better than her.

As a guy I find it 100 times more attractive when I'm the one doing the chasing as it's all about the thrill of the chase! I know women like to persue as well as we all love a challenge but for lots of men they just see this as not been the social norm and wrongly get the feeling that if she's doing the persueing then she can't be that great of a catch as the really great women out their require lots of effort!

Snowie

Greyfox wrote: »

As a guy I find it 100 times more attractive when I'm the one doing the chasing as it's all about the thrill of the chase! I know women like to persue as well as we all love a challenge but for lots of men they just see this as not been the social norm and wrongly get the feeling that if she's doing the persueing then she can't be that great of a catch as the really great women out their require lots of effort!

Why do the great women require so much effort ? what makes them so great?

valery

pikachucheeks wrote: »

I'm not sure if I agree that women shouldn't chase men! I think it is possible that some men are shy and would like to be pursued by a woman, rather than having to approach the woman themselves.

I think given the modern times we live in, how men and women are seen as equal, there's no reason why a woman shouldn't pursue a man!

With you there .......if the guy is eye candy go for him

pikachucheeks

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Why do the great women require so much effort ? what makes them so great?

All women are great! We all deserve attention!

I'm dying to see this film, I watched the first twenty minutes online before the thing cut out

Snowie

pikachucheeks wrote: »

All women are great! We all deserve attention!

Women are women I personally wouldn't put them on a pedestal. which I feel when in the past while being on the chase I've done and more or less set my self up for dissapointment.

Granted attention is important But I'd rather do it through gesture, then running around after her like a puppy dog on a leash, which doesn't sound exciting, it doesn't sound thrilling to be honest it sounds very like. I'l bend over and let the woman be the boss. Bye no means do I think I should be the boss either with any couple comes compromise from booth ends.

It all sounds very Little Princess x complex :rolleyes:

PK2008

"If he doesnt ring you, he's not interested in you"

You needed a book to tell you that??

MadgeBadge

PK2008 wrote: »

"If he doesnt ring you, he's not interested in you"

You needed a book to tell you that??

Hey hey now, we all believe what we want to believe. Sometimes it takes a film, a book, or an incredibly blunt (but well intentioned) friend to see the truth.

Not in any way familiar with the book, or the film, but unfortunately I'm a little too familiar with the concept .

minidazzler

PK2008 wrote: »

"If he doesnt ring you, he's not interested in you"

You needed a book to tell you that??

But it's not necessarily true, he might be scared or too nervous to call.

Acacia

Even if I was a guy, I doubt I'd do the chasing because I'm really shy.

Acacia

Sorry for a double-post meant to add this earlier.

This article pretty much sums up my feelings towards the book/film:

http://www.thefword.org.uk/reviews/2005/08/hes_just_not_th

Wibbs

Funny one this. Yes I personally feel the man should make the first move in general. Though as a bloke I know how bloody daft we are, so... (trawl through the dodgy relationships thread hereabouts for how daft I've been:eek::)).

But and it's a big but, if the woman does it's very cool and damned attractive. Maybe 'cos it's unusual? Regardless it's appealing. Looking back, I can't think of a single situation where the woman has made the first move and I wasn't interested, gratified or receptive. Even when we ended up being mates. Bloody good mates too.

itsallaboutheL

pikachucheeks wrote: »

All women are great! We all deserve attention!

I'm dying to see this film, I watched the first twenty minutes online before the thing cut out

I um........ saw it on <SNIP>.com last week, excellent quality.....


<insert manly response>

all_smilz

hmmm.... i chased my man and caught him.... but being chased is good too.... i'd be wary of the man who likes chasing too much... he may never STOP!

Kiith

Having a woman chase you or make the first move can be brilliant. Its not something that has happened me often (only once in fact), but its pretty great when it does happen. Definitly helped me too as she was my first girlfriend, and i was far too shy back then to have admitted that i was into her, never mind actually do anything about it.

If you like someone, you should let them know. Regardless of sex.

p.s. I should really take my own advice sometimes...

dearg lady

Acacia wrote: »

Sorry for a double-post meant to add this earlier.

This article pretty much sums up my feelings towards the book/film:

http://www.thefword.org.uk/reviews/2005/08/hes_just_not_th

Yeah, that sums it up fairly well. A lot of the book is utter tripe, an the bits that aren't are just common sense! I got free with a magazine too, didn't realise it was a self help book til I opened it on the plane! I'd assumed it was just some nonsense chick lt. Which, honestly, would've been better.

Find it funny that your one Liz who 'backs up' all Gregs advice is still single, I mean, if it really worked surely she'd be in some amaaaazing relationship with a bloke who chased her and worships her. :rolleyes:

Acacia

dearg lady wrote: »

Yeah, that sums it up fairly well. A lot of the book is utter tripe, an the bits that aren't are just common sense! I got free with a magazine too, didn't realise it was a self help book til I opened it on the plane! I'd assumed it was just some nonsense chick lt. Which, honestly, would've been better.

Find it funny that your one Liz who 'backs up' all Gregs advice is still single, I mean, if it really worked surely she'd be in some amaaaazing relationship with a bloke who chased her and worships her. :rolleyes:

Yeah, for me it's like those ''pick-up artist'' books that are aimed at guys. A lot of it is common sense / intutition. Basically if you like somebody go for it, feck them if they think you shouldn't be 'chasing' them (and most people, guys and girls, like being chased anyway, so long as it doesn't cross into stalker territory!).

As I said I'm quite shy, and for years I would never do anything if I liked somebody. I wouldn't even talk to them, let alone ask them out! Eventually I realised this isn't very productive...so I asked out a guy...and he said ''No''.

Did the world end? No. Did I die of shame? No.

I just moved on and the next guy I asked out, I've been with for the past three years!:)

So basically there's no formula for getting with guys or girls. Just roll with whatever feels right at the time, I say. You're better off doing things you enjoy and developing a good sense of self, rather than sitting around reading self-books, in my humble opinion.:P

Vinta81

Is it not just common sense that if he doesn't return your many, MANY calls, texts, e-mails etc...that he is obviously not into you. Or in the actually bizarre cases where they are into you and all of a sudden drop dead that very day...see: SATC: Miranda gets stood up episode lol.

I do prefer for a guy to chase me, but I have been forward once in my life and it backfired on me, so I guess I got struck once and and I felt I was out of the game. That said, it's crap that all the pressure should be on the guy, 2009 people..we can make the calls now

metaoblivia

I think all of those self help love guides should be taken with a grain of salt. I've pursued guys before. I'm still single, so I guess that's your answer as to whether or not it works. But I've also been pursued by guys before. And I'm still single, so I guess that's your answer as to whether or not it works
But more seriously, I will pursue guys (and won't mind if a guy pursues me). But if I don't get any signs of interest from him, I'll drop it pretty quickly. And I think that's the overall moral of the story. Learn to recognize when someone's not interested and move on. Don't make excuses for why they may not be responding and don't think that if you just try harder or wait longer they'll change their mind. Just move on.

LimeFruitGum

I got that book last month (Glamour mag, wasn't it? )
Greg Behrendt is great, I heart him. You should check out his chat show

pikachucheeks

LimeFruitGum wrote: »

I got that book last month (Glamour mag, wasn't it? )
Greg Behrendt is great, I heart him. You should check out his chat show

Was indeed!

It's an interesting book, I've found some of the advice useful, other parts of it, I wouldn't take too seriously as not all men are the same type of person and the book doesn't seem to take that into account.
It's a good, light-hearted read though!

iguana

Vinta81 wrote: »

Is it not just common sense that if he doesn't return your many, MANY calls, texts, e-mails etc...that he is obviously not into you.

I haven't read the book but I assume the issue is more about guys (or girls) who string someone along rather than outright blank them? Like a guy you're "seeing" but you always call him and you have to call him 3 or 4 times before you can arrange to see him. Or if he does call you it's as he's going home from the pub and hasn't had a better offer. But you really like him and convince yourself that you are totally made for each other because you get on really well when you are together and you both love cheese. So you make excuses about why he never makes plans with you apart from occasional booty calls instead of accepting that he isn't that into you. "He's still vulnerable from his last relationship." "He likes me too much and it scares him." etc.

The thing is though, that we know we do this to ourselves sometimes. Not because we're stupid and don't realise that he's not that into you. But it's because we fancy the guy and would rather have that booty call than nothing. We might concoct fantasies of him falling in love with us and talk about how it might happen with our friends. But deep down we know the score and are ok with it. Eventually the attraction wears away and we move on.

I had a few of these "relationships" when I was single and I'm glad I never read some book that talked me out of them, because they were fun. I enjoyed crushing on someone, I enjoyed the melodrama of discussing it with my friends, I enjoyed the freedom of still being single and seeing other guys and I damn well enjoyed the sex.

iguana

Oh, and I did see the movie as I like Ginnifer Goodwin and Justin Long, and I think it's pretty funny that in the end

she was the exception and he was that into her.

.

Jwacqui

I read the book a few years back when a friend bought it for me!! :rolleyes: I guess I am that bad when it comes to men. I found it a real eye opener! Yes it took the book, but us women do make alot of excuses for men!

iguana, I have to agree with you somewhat. I have been friends with benefits with this guy that I like since last october! So knocking on 10months now! And we have an agreement that if either of us sleeps with another person it's off. So it gets very confusing for me sometimes!

And although it's not ideal I do prefere it than nothing! I do enjoy the ups and downs of it! The drama of when we get a hotel room and then we go out for lunch the next day and I think "why didn't he just leave, maybe he does like me" :rolleyes: Same when we go to the cinema, when he's cute with me, buys me a birthday present, when he tells me he finds my naivety endearing, that I look fantastic which he tells me everytime I see him, snuggles up to me in bed! ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH :rolleyes: I do overanalayse ever little detail!

But I do enjoy it! Self torture! Keeps me thinking! Sometimes drives me insane but I would rather it than being single!

I think its a case of wanting what you can't have!

Húrin

pikachucheeks wrote: »

Something in the first chapter "He's just not that into you, if he's not asking you out" posed a few questions for me.

"Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do... We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children - sometimes all at the same time...

I know it's an infuriating concept - that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth"

So guys, would you agree that you like to do the chasing, rather than be chased?

Would a woman chasing you put you off her?

And ladies, do you think it is "insulting" to be hold we should have to sit there and let a guy chase us? Do you prefer letting a guy run after you, or do you prefer to put the effort in?

These statements may be true wherever the author is from but not in Ireland. Irish men tend to be more timid and plenty of them would like a bit more pursuit from women.

Greyfox wrote: »

As a guy I find it 100 times more attractive when I'm the one doing the chasing as it's all about the thrill of the chase! I know women like to persue as well as we all love a challenge but for lots of men they just see this as not been the social norm and wrongly get the feeling that if she's doing the persueing then she can't be that great of a catch as the really great women out their require lots of effort!

As a guy I don't agree that this is a universal opinion.

idontknowmyname

I read the book free with Cosmo but haven't seen the film. I usually let the guys do the initial chase then I'll do chasing as well. But have not had much luck recently, I read the book and was wondering if only I'd read this a few months previously, would have saved me a lot of trouble! :rolleyes:

Holopimp

pikachucheeks wrote: »

Has anyone seen this film, or read the book?

I got the book the other day, free with a magazine! And I'm about half-way through it at the moment.

Really impressed with it so far, I have to say. It's funny and it's basically about how not to take excuses, that if he's not calling you/asking you on dates/having sex with you, he's just not that interested in you.

Something in the first chapter "He's just not that into you, if he's not asking you out" posed a few questions for me.

"Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do... We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children - sometimes all at the same time...

I know it's an infuriating concept - that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth"

So guys, would you agree that you like to do the chasing, rather than be chased?

Would a woman chasing you put you off her?

And ladies, do you think it is "insulting" to be hold we should have to sit there and let a guy chase us? Do you prefer letting a guy run after you, or do you prefer to put the effort in?

In the past I have usually done the chasing and a lot of men are pleasantly surprised by it. But I have found it exhausting putting that amount of effort in, so recently I have decided to let them chase me instead. I did recently attempt to chase a guy, but I quickly realised he is the type who likes to chase, so gave up pretty soon. If he is really interested in me, he will perhaps start chasing me instead. That is the theory anyway.

Zadkiel

HI All

Long time lurker.
I had to post on this because I don't think its true to say blokes all love the chase.
When I was younger, yeh it was a bit of fun but my ex chased me and it was really exciting. My current GF also chased me and I was Soooooo into her. The reason I didnt chase either was because we were great friends first and i didn't want to screw it up. Strange I have more female friends than male. The second reason is my OH now is absolutely stunning, she's an 11 out of 10 and I'm probably a 3....not false modesty;so I just didnt conceive of it ever being a possibility.:o

So as someone else already said in the States it may be true ( in some cases ) but I don't think the same rules apply universally.

Guys can be shy or, not so shy and just worrying about making a friendship awkward if it goes diddies up! Re-reading this its a bit confusing but I hope ya all get what I'm driving at!

Anna Molly

pikachucheeks wrote: »

I'm not sure if I agree that women shouldn't chase men! I think it is possible that some men are shy and would like to be pursued by a woman, rather than having to approach the woman themselves.

I think given the modern times we live in, how men and women are seen as equal, there's no reason why a woman shouldn't pursue a man!

Did anyone see the article in one of the Sunday newspaper magazines?
Psychologists are actually trying to coin a term for men that are too shy to approach women. I can't for the life of me remember what it's called now.

Novella

I dunno. I wouldn't say I'd prefer a guy to chase me or whatever, or that I'd expect him to but I'm pretty shy when it comes to the opposite sex so it would be kinda nice!
That said though, after a few long months of "Does he like me, what's going on here?!", I will eventually get sick of it and just say "I LIKE YOU, I WANT YOU, LOVE ME!", haha, not those exact words but ya know what I mean!

I have seen the movie btw, learned some invaluable lessons! :rolleyes:

minidazzler

I have recently seen the film, I have to say, while the main character was too forward and intense, if a girl I was even moderately attracted to came after me like that, I would definitely be willing to give it a shot.

However, it is a terrible film, soooo bad. But I am still in love with Jennifer Connolly.

Wibbs

Anna Molly wrote: »

Did anyone see the article in one of the Sunday newspaper magazines?
Psychologists are actually trying to coin a term for men that are too shy to approach women. I can't for the life of me remember what it's called now.

Loveshyness I believe.

Slaygal

I got the book free with a magazine last month and sat down to read thinking it would be fun. I read a chapter and put it the green bin.
I thought it was dreadful.
But different strokes for different folks.

lazygal

I know it's old fashioned. I know it's not PC. I know girls will say, "No way, I chased current OH and we're SUPER happy".
My mum always told my sisters and I this and I always thought "Yeah right, we're all equal, that man chasing thing is rubbish and I can ask a man out". Then I realised it is BS. Men need to chase. You can protest and moan and whine about women's lib but the bottom line is that a man must do the chasing-that's how it's been for millenia and it ain't gonna change now, no matter how we females try to tell ourselves we are all equal-we are not.
Any woman I know in a really happy relationship has let the man do the chasing-they know they had to work for her so the payoff for them is much greater than some girl who offered it on a plate. He might like it and might tell you so, but he won't marry you. Girls, we really do rule the world-by letting the men know that we are hard word and require a lot of effort to get.

Zadkiel

lazygal wrote: »

I know it's old fashioned. I know it's not PC. I know girls will say, "No way, I chased current OH and we're SUPER happy".
My mum always told my sisters and I this and I always thought "Yeah right, we're all equal, that man chasing thing is rubbish and I can ask a man out". Then I realised it is BS. Men need to chase. You can protest and moan and whine about women's lib but the bottom line is that a man must do the chasing-that's how it's been for millenia and it ain't gonna change now, no matter how we females try to tell ourselves we are all equal-we are not.
Any woman I know in a really happy relationship has let the man do the chasing-they know they had to work for her so the payoff for them is much greater than some girl who offered it on a plate. He might like it and might tell you so, but he won't marry you. Girls, we really do rule the world-by letting the men know that we are hard word and require a lot of effort to get.

Disagree with all of your post ....but especially this

A woman doing the chasing doesn't mean "its" been offered on a plate or that "Its" undervalued as a result.

Relationships can work out perfectly well when the woman does the chasing.

lazygal

[Relationships can work out perfectly well when the woman does the chasing. [/quote]
No they do not. Man must pursue woman-it's the way it always has been. When a woman chases a man she is setting herself up for a lifetime of insecurity and wondering how he really feels. When he does the chasing, she has security. Like I said, people can rationalise about the equality of the sexes all they like, but man must pursue woman.

Anna Molly

I've been persuing a boy a long time, on and off, and let me tell you, it's not working. I think he has a case of that love shyness I was talking about earlier. That or a commitment phobe.

iguana

lazygal wrote: »

Any woman I know in a really happy relationship has let the man do the chasing-they know they had to work for her so the payoff for them is much greater than some girl who offered it on a plate. He might like it and might tell you so, but he won't marry you.

Aaah jeez, sh!t. I was so sure that the guy I slept with on the first date and treated an equal from the minute I met him, being upfront about my feelings and calling him whenever the mood took me, married me 3 years ago. Christ I'm so mortified now! What was the ceremony all about? And the rings we each wear on our left ring fingers? And the marriage certificate in our strongbox?

Has he been faking it all? My nana was at, what I've now learned was, our big fake wedding. Poor nana, she'll be gutted when I tell her it was all pretend.:(

Or maybe you haven't the slightest clue what you are talking about and some men prefer to share their lives with a partner who is their equal. And some women refuse to settle for anything less.:rolleyes:

lazygal

Anna Molly wrote: »

I've been persuing a boy a long time, on and off, and let me tell you, it's not working. I think he has a case of that love shyness I was talking about earlier. That or a commitment phobe.

Let me tell you honey - let him go and let someone who deserves you do the chasing. Stop rationalising his behaviour because you can't do anything about it.
I cannot say it often enough MAN MUST PURSUE WOMAN.
That is all.