LDR - can it work ? How ?

Steady

I notice a few threads on this issue lately. I have been offered a work opportunity which will see me in a LDR for the foreseeable future, it will mean that we will be apart for months at a time, probably only get to see each other 2 or 3 times over the next 12 months . I am debating whether or not to go for this. Can you help me out guys, those of you that are in LDR's, what are the hardest parts, what gets you through, how do you maintain the relationship, what are the pitfalls ?

I know there's technology out there which helps with maintaining contact, but nothing beats physical contact. I'm not the best at communicating over the phone, I'm much better at it in person, I'm more into the actions than words.

Appreciate any comments or advice.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

In my experience, only a really tangible certainty about who we want to be with long term, and about our love for each other will survive this kind of separation irrespective of the technology. The need to warmth, for touch, for affection is so powerful - it really needs something extremely strong to bolster us.

And in my own humble opinion we also also need some tolerance for our partners to be able to socialise and enjoy life in our absence, including flirting etc. No not sex. But we need to be a little more flexible than if we are together.

All the best

Queencake

Hey OP,

I'm in a LDR for over a year now. Very very long distance - opposite sides of the globe. We've seen each other only a few times in that year. I last saw him in May and we won't see eachother again until Christmas. In January I will (fingers crossed) be moving over to be with him.

I'm not gonna lie to you. It's hard. It's easier on the person who moves abroad often as they get the excitement of a new life, new people and new scenery. The person who is left behind as it were can mope and miss their partner at the beginning more simply because they aren't as busy.

LDRs will go in stages. Person gone abroad is say Tom and partner being left is say Sarah!

1st stage -

Tom is all excited in the run up to moving abroad. Sarah feels left out.

2nd stage -

Tom arrives in his new location and is super busy settling in. Sarah again feels left out.

3rd stage -

Tom has settled in and begins missing Sarah more. Sarah has started (if she has any sense) to keep herself busy and happy while still missing Tom. Skype becomes a new best friend. Free video calls occur involving lots of kisses towards the camera and sexy peeks... Basically lots of stuff you'd die if anyone other than your significant other saw you doing.

4th stage -

Novelty of Skype wears off. By now the lack of physical contact is seriously depressing.

This is where I think many couples lose it. They can't take it anyone.

Getting over this hurdle is tough but once your over it the remainder of the LD of the relationship will find its groove.


LDRs work if
- there is a set time limit for the distance ie. in one year/6 months it will end.
- there are meetings to look forward during the term of the LDR.
- BOTH parties trust each other fully (THIS IS CRUCIAL)
- You see a future with your partner (otherwise why bother?)
- BOTH parties make an effort to talk regularly. If one side feels neglected then expect drama.
- BOTH parties make an effort to keep the romance alive ie. sending old fashioned love letters. Receiving post is lovely. Surprise each other with gifts like flowers, care packages, things they like.
- Neither party plays games ie. tries to make their partner jealous etc


LDR POSITIVES! Because its not all doom and gloom!

- when ye meet for the first time in weeks or months it will be amaaaaaaaaaaaazing.
- it will test your relationship but it could prove how strong a couple ye are. You will be stronger for the distance.
- You get time and space to try new activities, meet new friends and rejuvinate old friendships, do things you've stopped doing since becoming "a couple" etc.

If you've any specific questions or worries ask away. There are enough of us on these boards in LDRs to help you!

Steady

Thanks Guys. Queencake you were very helpful on what I can expect and have raised some interesting questions for me. My relationship is still in the early stages and we have not spoken long term yet. I don't want to get into a longterm conversation as we are no where near that just yet in my opinion. It's a pity, because of my predicatment it may force us to talk about this stuff which I think is too early in the relationship to have those kind of chats. It should be all about fun at this stage, not serious stuff. OH thinks this is something we can work through and will support me 100% whatever I decide to do.

Accept great work opportunity = keep a job, personal sacrafice
Refuse great work opportunity = no job, joining the long dole queue

LegacyUser

I know exactly how you feel OP.

I’m in exactly the same position myself, can’t really get into a conversation with my gf about long term either as it’s early stages for us too. Whilst she is not at the other side of the globe, she is still an aircraft trip away.

The reason why I’m in a LDR is because of my job, I really can’t give up my job (just yet). It’s the same with her, she has started a really important job in another country. I guess at the end of the day we both want to be together and that’s what counts, and I’d prefer to be in LDR with her than to not be with her at all.

Queencake

Well myself and my bf were only going out 8 months when he moved abroad. We were/are crazy about each other and didn't want to lose each other. I always said I would never do long distance. When I found out he was going to move abroad for work I was conflicted. I still hated the idea of long distance but I hated the idea of losing him even more. That's what it comes down too really when you think about it.

Listen, OP, take the job whatever you do. In this current climate you'd be foolish not to. You're lucky really. Your gf sounds supportive and up for doing a long distance relationship.

But you have to ask yourself a few things

- Would you prefer to be single with no ties while living abroad? You'd have more freedom.
- Or would you prefer to keep this woman in your life?
- Will you be faithful? Have you ever been unfaithful in other relationships? Will temptation be tough for you?

You have a lot to think about. Think about this too though - the job is only a year abroad right? A year IS manageable.