Very embarasssed that I am single mother

LegacyUser

I very embarrassed that I am single mother. I shy to say it, shy when I see that people see that I am single mother. I so do not like this feeling, how to overcome it? Do people have the same feelings or it is only me feeling like that?

Terodil

I have nothing but respect for single parents, whether men or women.

You can and should be proud of being able to shoulder all those responsibilities, it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!

LegacyUser

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. My sister was (got married since, to a different bloke), same with my cousin. my ex g'friend has a kid, and it never ever bothered me, she even didn't tell me for the first few dates "in case I would never call her".

You're not the first single mother, you won't be the last.

More power to you if you will be raising the kid on your own. Anyone who is making you feel bad should have a good long look at themselves.

Best of luck.

Jood

Absolutely agree, I have great admiration for single parents, many of my friends are doing a fantastic job bringing up their kids on their own. You hold you're head up high girl, you've nothing to be embarassed about. x

Eve_Dublin

+1,000,000,000 Terodil!! You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about, not in this day and age. I have so much respect for you, OP and I don't even know you. Anyone who can bring up a gaggle of children or even one child on their own is a modern day hero in my books. I'm not exaggerating.

My sister is looking after her kids on her own while her husband is away on business for a few weeks at the moment and I don't know hwo she does it. I help out when I can but she does most of it herself. I don't know how she does it and she really is my hero at the moment because those kids are a handful and I told her that lastnight.

You're going to get the odd ignorant indiviual out there who thinks all single mothers are 'sponging' off the government when they'd do it themselves if it came to the crunch (the crunch being right now with this recession were having..a part of me hopes they get a taste of the hard times to know how it really feels). I have no idea how they expect single mothers to cope without some financial assistance...this is ignorance and every social group is targeted by these thick idiots with their malicious, ignorant, ill-informed, snobby bile they spew out whenever the mood takes them. Sorry...ranting there but this really p*sses me off...they don't realise who they're hurting and they don't care.

Ignore any of these types of comments, OP, they're idiots.

You're doing the hardest job there is out there...bringing up another human being (or more) and you should be proud that you're doing it on your own. A vast, vast majority of people aren't judging you no matter what you think. It's really all in your head. Most people are understanding, non-judgemental and respectful of your circumstances. Single parents are not a freak occurance in modern Ireland and some people are even choosing to have kids on their own because they can't find a partner.

Hold your head up high and be proud of what you're doing. I'm not sure if I could.

Nevyn

As long as you are a good parent to your child then that is all that counts.
I know it's hard esp when you feel like you have failed at something so basic that other people seemed to have mananged to do for hundreds of years but trust me, it is better to be a happy person and have a happy child then to try make an unworkable relationship work and be miserable for it.

Yes there is still a certian ammount of stigma when it comes to being a single parent in this country, the reasons have shifted but people still judge and tbh sod them.

brownbinman

wouldnt stop me wanting to see someone again if i liked them

Oh The Humanity

Why on Earth are you embarassed?

You should be proud!

You are doing the most difficult job possible alone! Kudos!!

Kipperhell

All very nice sentiments being said but they tend to ignore what many other people think and how they will react. I personally don't think just being a single parent warrants respect instantly as some have stated.

I don't think all single parents are spongers as i know many have just ended up that way through chance. Some single parents I know are a disgrace having multiple different fathers of children and ransoming child visitation. There is also a difference between being a single parent and the main care giver.

Just being the best you can is sometimes not sufficient as a persons ability to be a person may simply be lacking. Anybody who jumps to a conclusion just by being a single parent you or EITHER good or bad is very judgemental.

OP you should not be ashamed but if somebody doesn't approve of it as a life choice it doesn't mean they think of you that way or that they are judgemental. I don't think anybody should be trying to be a single parent by choice but think it is difficult to do. The truth is there are more single parent in lower social economic groups and in the higher groups it is and will be looked down on by some. That is what will happen and you don't get to ignore everybody with such a view.

howamidifferent

As a father of 3 ( in a happy marriage although thats not my point ) I know how much hard work is involved in bringing up children especially if your doing it on your own so I say nothing to be shy or shameful about. Hold your head up high if your doing your best for your child.

ceannair06

Whilst there's nothing to be ashamed of in being a single mother, I'd say that if you were the type of woman who is around 25 and has 4 kids to 4 different men, and has another bloke on the go - then I'd be a little shamefaced.

tman

Terodil already summed it up nicely, but thought I'd add my 2c
My mother raised myself and a brother as a single parent, and has my unending respect and admiration for doing so. I feel the same way about any other single parents I see, and you should feel the same about yourself. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!

Eve_Dublin

ceannair06 wrote: »

Whilst there's nothing to be ashamed of in being a single mother, I'd say that if you were the type of woman who is around 25 and has 4 kids to 4 different men, and has another bloke on the go - then I'd be a little shamefaced.

What's done is done and no one has a right to judge. If the woman is doing her very best in raising the kids (which I know is not always the case, single mother or not), then there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'd be more judgemental of any of the fathers who weren't financially supporting them. Unfortunately single mothers get the brunt of it instead of them.

who what when

When my grandmother was a child her father died leaving her mother to bring up 9 young children on her own. They had nothing except a two bedroom cottage and something like 5 acres of land. I recently saw a photograph of the family only a couple of years after the father died and all i could see in it was absolute misery! Misery in the eyes and expressions of the mother and all the children.

The most remarkable thing is my grandmother often speaks about her childhood with fondness and i suppose nostalgia.
I know im a little off topic now but i suppose my point is that the last emotion this woman (my grandmothers mother) would have felt is embarrasment! Be grateful, as im sure you are, for your health and wellbeing and that of your child because that really is all that matters!

Gadfly

You have nothing to be ashamed about. You are probably feeling vulnerable at the moment. You deserve a pat-on-the -back.

LegacyUser

At least we are long gone from the days when single mothers were shunned and looked at as a disgrace and almost outcast or sent away. You still get a few people with those mentalities knocking around, but , to be blunt, f**k them all!!

LegacyUser

Why define yourself this way? Being single and being a mum are two aspects of you. Circumstances, really. I'm sure you are a lot more than that. No shame in it whatsoever.

donutheadhomer

ceannair06 wrote: »

Whilst there's nothing to be ashamed of in being a single mother, I'd say that if you were the type of woman who is around 25 and has 4 kids to 4 different men, and has another bloke on the go - then I'd be a little shamefaced.

Or living with the child's father pretending to the social welfare that you are a lone parent

LadyJ

I was raised by a single mother and I couldn't be more proud. She was the most amazing mother anyone could have asked for. She died when I was 11 but in that time she taught me to be loving, liberal and perseverant. She played a huge part in helping me grow into the person that I am proud to be today. No one remembers her as a single mother, they remember her as a witty, fiercely intelligent woman who tried her best at everything she did and helped a great many people to fullfil their potential and their dreams along the way.

Do not be ashamed of being a single parent. You have the potential to be remembered by your children and everyone else as so much more than that.

Nevyn

I do understand that it can be hard when out when it comes up as people can judge and can go from enjoying your company and/or chatting you up to once you mention you are a parent and single they find an excuse to be elsewhere and all conversation stops.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

I do understand that it can be hard when out when it comes up as people can judge and can go from enjoying your company and/or chatting you up to once you mention you are a parent and single they find an excuse to be elsewhere and all conversation stops.

basically if they do this, they are not worth it, simple as that. If you have ever been mad about someone and thought "nah, she's a single mother, I can't", then I think that's just not on....

not you Thaedydal. just "you" in general...

LegacyUser

EurasianBadger wrote: »

Or living with the child's father pretending to the social welfare that you are a lone parent

It's people like you who make single parents feel bad about themselves. I am a single mother and can empathise with OP. However, just because the father of my child walked out on us it didn't stop me from picking myself up and moving on to support my child alone. I have a university education, work full time (and getting a masters degree part time) and do not get benefits. But yeah, when i'm out (the one time in a blue moon I get the chance) my child isn't the first thing i talk about, but that's because like anyone else I want to be seen as an individual first. Don't feel bad about your situation OP, like most people are saying here, you should be proud that you are a responsible parent.
And if you are on benefits, there are schemes out there that can help you update your skills and back into the workplace - if that's your choice.

Color Climax

Unregistered wrote: »

I very embarrassed that I am single mother. I shy to say it, shy when I see that people see that I am single mother. I so do not like this feeling, how to overcome it? Do people have the same feelings or it is only me feeling like that?

The world is rapidly changing. Brazen it out, the days of being a single mother are just in your head

lolli

Color Climax wrote: »

The world is rapidly changing.

The world maybe changing but some places change slower than others. If you live in a fairly well built town hardly anyone cares what you are. If you live in a backarse of nowhere type place everyone cares and gossips about you. These type of people arent worth worrying about though op.

I am currently pregnant and i'm from a very rural area and people are in shock that I have dared get pregnant before i have a wedding ring on my finger. To be honest these small minded people aren't worth anything.

I've had people ask me anything from was I not using protection to when i'm getting married and people even stating that wasn't it a waste of my time getting a degree and a postgrad because now i'm pregnant i've ruined my life even though myself and my boyfriend really want this child.

You just gotta worry about yourself and your child, you've got nothing to prove to anyone. Keep your head held high.

LegacyUser

lolli wrote: »

I've had people ask me anything from was I not using protection to when i'm getting married and people even stating that wasn't it a waste of my time getting a degree and a postgrad because now i'm pregnant i've ruined my life even though myself and my boyfriend really want this child.

That is exactly what was said about me six years ago and now people talk about how great it is that I can singlehandedly juggle a child, a full time job and a part time post grad course...how times have changed. (And yes, i live down the country as well). Six years ago I was "stupid", "inconsiderate of my parent's feelings" and "trash" etc etc just because me and my ex didn't get married when I got pregnant...thank god we didn't. Once the baby comes Lolli those naysayers will shut up. My parents didn't even want to look at me when I was pregnant, let alone allow the neighbours to see me, and I was 30! Now my child is their favourite grandchild. Some places are slower to change, but it's people like yourself who force them to change. Some people just need reminding that having a baby out of wedlock isn't a sin. Feck 'em.

aDeener

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

What's done is done and no one has a right to judge. If the woman is doing her very best in raising the kids (which I know is not always the case, single mother or not), then there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'd be more judgemental of any of the fathers who weren't financially supporting them. Unfortunately single mothers get the brunt of it instead of them.

:rolleyes: whats that about?

LegacyUser

Alright Op, lets get beyond people's political beliefs about single motherhood (and beyond the patronising, nobody deserves a medal for being a single mother in fairness, or a married mother either).

Why are you embarassed?

Is it because it looks like somebody didn't love you enough to stick around? That scenario happens to just about everyone, in fairness. You just have the evidence e.g. a child, to prove it.

Is it because of benefits?

Big deal. We're all entitled to them. I grew up as the child of a single mother on benefits. Now I pay tonnes of tax and don't resent it.

What exactly do you find embarassing?

You are probably judging yourself more harshly than anyone else is. Some people will always judge you, if you weren't a single mother they's judge for being single, or they'd judge your partner, or whatever. Perhaps you are staying in alot and building this up in your mind? Be careful you don't get a chip on your shoulder.

LegacyUser

Hi

Don't let people's judgemental attituded get to you. Do your best for your children and pray to whoever you pray to to give you guidance , inner peace and self acceptance.

i am a single parent too, and i have varied gifts but i have been struggling for a long time because i too had a belief that on my own i wasn't good enough. watch me, not anymore!

Take care

LegacyUser

I am crying from reding all your posts, and smiling too, thank very much for giving me strengths

Tar.Aldarion

Unregistered wrote: »

I very embarrassed that I am single mother. I shy to say it, shy when I see that people see that I am single mother. I so do not like this feeling, how to overcome it? Do people have the same feelings or it is only me feeling like that?

Single parents raising a child well are the closest thing to super heroes that can exist.

Well done to you and don't for one second feel like you did any more.
Girl I am in love with was raised by a single mother, and for that she is amazing to me.
I also know several, and they are brave to do it.

LegacyUser

I know a few single mothers who had kids by accident and it is their greatest embarassment and something they feel identified by.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I know a few single mothers who had kids by accident and it is their greatest embarassment and something they feel identified by.

I was in a long relationship, but it never works, we had to split up and now i am single mother,feel embarassed.

donutheadhomer

Unregistered wrote: »

It's people like you who make single parents feel bad about themselves. I am a single mother and can empathise with OP. However, just because the father of my child walked out on us it didn't stop me from picking myself up and moving on to support my child alone. I have a university education, work full time (and getting a masters degree part time) and do not get benefits. But yeah, when i'm out (the one time in a blue moon I get the chance) my child isn't the first thing i talk about, but that's because like anyone else I want to be seen as an individual first. Don't feel bad about your situation OP, like most people are saying here, you should be proud that you are a responsible parent.
And if you are on benefits, there are schemes out there that can help you update your skills and back into the workplace - if that's your choice.

But benefit fraud is rampant with lone parents. I have experience of this first hand from working in former health board. I didn't say anyting about not being allowed out whenever you like but benefit fraud is a crime and should not be condoned on this board.

LegacyUser

And remember that Barack Obama was raised by his Mother :-)

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

And remember that Barack Obama was raised by his Mother :-)

Ok,thanks!

donutheadhomer

Unregistered wrote: »

That is exactly what was said about me six years ago and now people talk about how great it is that I can singlehandedly juggle a child, a full time job and a part time post grad course...how times have changed. (And yes, i live down the country as well). Six years ago I was "stupid", "inconsiderate of my parent's feelings" and "trash" etc etc just because me and my ex didn't get married when I got pregnant...thank god we didn't. Once the baby comes Lolli those naysayers will shut up. My parents didn't even want to look at me when I was pregnant, let alone allow the neighbours to see me, and I was 30! Now my child is their favourite grandchild. Some places are slower to change, but it's people like yourself who force them to change. Some people just need reminding that having a baby out of wedlock isn't a sin. Feck 'em.

if you feel lust in your heart then you committed an adultery , just get married why is that so difficult?
The Bible promotes complete abstinence before marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with someone other than your spouse. The biblical definition of sexual immorality is sex outside of marriage. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves (Hebrews 13:4).

Far too often we focus on the “recreation” aspect of sex without recognizing the “re-creation” aspect. Yes, sex is pleasurable. God designed it that way, and He wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage.

God does not outlaw sex before marriage to rob us of pleasure, but to protect us from unwanted pregnancies and children born to parents who do not want them or are not prepared for them. Imagine how much better our world would be if God’s pattern for sex was followed: fewer sexually transmitted diseases, fewer un-wed mothers, fewer unwanted pregnancies, fewer abortions, etc.

Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and most importantly, honors God.

Nevyn

and you are banned for unhelpful posting and proselyting.

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

I very embarrassed that I am single mother. I shy to say it, shy when I see that people see that I am single mother. I so do not like this feeling, how to overcome it? Do people have the same feelings or it is only me feeling like that?

OP - Really, don't be. Why should you be embarrassed for bringing new life into this world? Partner or no partner that is something wonderful and amazing.

I'm just wondering as this might help. Do you allow the childs father much contact to your child? If you did, it might feel more as if it were a two person effort rather than one. You don't have to answer this question if you do not want to I'm not here to pry.

As a Christian, just to comment further on EurasianBadgers use of the Scripture. Yes the Biblical text regards sex before marriage as sinful and I agree with that much, but at the same time, I think it is better that you brought your child to birth instead of aborting it.

I hope all pans out for you OP

Dublin141

I think it's ridiculous to be embarrassed about it in this day and age or rather, ridiculous that people are being made to feel embarrassment about it. Most people wouldn't judge another based on something like that. Relationships break up, people get on with their lives. Some of the most famous people in the world have been or are single parents. I don't believe in labelling someone like that anyway. There is no shame. There are plenty of married and cohabiting people who are claiming benefits at the moment - we're all in the same boat so I hate when people use that against single mothers. Hold your head up high and take care of your own, it's nobody's business if your relationship works or doesn't. None of us know when we'll be placed in difficult situations so we shouldn't be judging others for theirs anyway.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Alright Op, lets get beyond people's political beliefs about single motherhood (and beyond the patronising, nobody deserves a medal for being a single mother in fairness, or a married mother either).

Why are you embarassed?

Is it because it looks like somebody didn't love you enough to stick around? That scenario happens to just about everyone, in fairness. You just have the evidence e.g. a child, to prove it.

Is it because of benefits?

Big deal. We're all entitled to them. I grew up as the child of a single mother on benefits. Now I pay tonnes of tax and don't resent it.

What exactly do you find embarassing?




You are probably judging yourself more harshly than anyone else is. Some people will always judge you, if you weren't a single mother they's judge for being single, or they'd judge your partner, or whatever. Perhaps you are staying in alot and building this up in your mind? Be careful you don't get a chip on your shoulder.

Embarrassing of many things:

To explain everybody that I need support in order to receive benefits ( I hate it….)
That I chose wrong partner ,
That I am single and always alone with a child,
Child is growing without farther,
That I have to look now for another partner, and I do not know what men think about single mothers,
Embarrassing that people might think that is something wrong with me if am single mother,
Embarrassing that i can’t give my child things what he could have in normal family,
Embarrassing that everything I do myself…feel tired …
Embarrassing when people say that child need a father…
That I have such situation happened to me and my child, I hope it will change.

LegacyUser

Don't mix up God's 'policy' and what the bible says please. That is so irresponsible. The bible was written by man and manipulated for centuries by man.
I totally understand the fact that people take advantage of the single parents benefit, but there are just as many who are committing fraud with the dole and disability benefits.
Why not have a go at the irresponsible men who walk out on women once the reality of parenthood hits them in the face. What about those fathers who refuse to pay maintenance for the children they helped to create. Aren't the courts full of men who had to be hauled in to be forced to pay maintenance? - Married, separated and single fathers. Apologies to those responsible fathers out there, I know they exist too! It's so easy to point the finger at the person who is pushing the buggy but she didn't get pregnant on her own!

LegacyUser

Jakkass wrote: »

OP - Really, don't be. Why should you be embarrassed for bringing new life into this world? Partner or no partner that is something wonderful and amazing.

I'm just wondering as this might help. Do you allow the childs father much contact to your child? If you did, it might feel more as if it were a two person effort rather than one. You don't have to answer this question if you do not want to I'm not here to pry.

As a Christian, just to comment further on EurasianBadgers use of the Scripture. Yes the Biblical text regards sex before marriage as sinful and I agree with that much, but at the same time, I think it is better that you brought your child to birth instead of aborting it.

I hope all pans out for you OP

Yes, i allow, but his father very angry still that we do no live together and often he put pressure on the child, by saying things what child should not hear,… why our mum does want us be all together,. you see what she doing.. he is coming to see the child and always upset, child see it and not happy very much from their meetings.

I didn't marry my partner, we born a child, i didn't know before that it is a sin to do like that, now i wish to have another child only after marriage, i believe in God too.

Odats

Unregistered wrote: »

I know a few single mothers who had kids by accident and it is their greatest embarassment and something they feel identified by.

I think it is the stigma of being portrayed as "damaged goods' which is a harsh fact and the possibilty of not being able to find a boyfriend who will take on the responsibilty of the child. I know a few lads who have done this and commend them and the OP should take pride in the fact and raise her child well. Having a baby isn't the end of the world plenty of opportunities do night courses get qualifications and make a better life for yourself and the child.

Nevyn

and to think that in pre christian Ireland a woman who already had a child was considered a better prospect as a wfe as her fertility had been proven and any man who was given the chance to be a father to a child and have a hand in rearing them and contribute to the person they grew into being was glad of that and it was considered an honour.

Tordelback

Just like to echo what (more or less) everyone else has said - a single parent has nothing but my complete admiration. I find being a parent tough enough at times and there are two of us to split the load, and to share the fun.

Any one of us could find ourselves as a single parent in an instant, in a dozen different ways. Hold your head up, you're doing a bloody hard job 24/7, and that's a hell of a lot more than most people.

LegacyUser

Odats wrote: »

I think it is the stigma of being portrayed as "damaged goods' which is a harsh fact and the possibilty of not being able to find a boyfriend who will take on the responsibilty of the child. I know a few lads who have done this and commend them and the OP should take pride in the fact and raise her child well. Having a baby isn't the end of the world plenty of opportunities do night courses get qualifications and make a better life for yourself and the child.

In one year i supposed to receive my degree! (hope i will finish last year, help me God, please!)...and i very ambitious girl , i like to develop myself and my child constantly.. always like go further and further ...however at the moment i really feel myself and my family of two like a "damaged goods".

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes, i allow, but his father very angry still that we do no live together and often he put pressure on the child, by saying things what child should not hear,… why our mum does want us be all together,. you see what she doing.. he is coming to see the child and always upset, child see it and not happy very much from their meetings.

Ah right. I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully he will cool off after a while. I think it's important that you allow him to continue to contact his child for the childs sake really. However, don't feel embarrassed, there is no need to feel guilt because you have a little one and your relationship with your partner didn't work out. Sometimes things fall through, and we're only human after all.

Unregistered wrote: »

I didn't marry my partner, we born a child, i didn't know before that it is a sin to do like that, now i wish to have another child only after marriage, i believe in God too.

That's great. I'll leave the theology off the thread for now, but try to move on don't dwell in the past and I'd encourage you to keep going with God and perhaps find a loving set of believers to guide you

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

In one year i supposed to receive my degree! (hope i will finish last year, help me God, please!)...and i very ambitious girl , i like to develop myself and my child constantly.. always like go further and further ...however at the moment i really feel myself and my family of two like a "damaged goods".

You not damaged goods, nor is your child.
You will for the most part achieve the things you want to it will take more planning and maybe a bit longer, in the mean time enjoy your child and the joy the bring into your life.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

You not damaged goods, nor is your child.
You will for the most part achieve the things you want to it will take more planning and maybe a bit longer, in the mean time enjoy your child and the joy the bring into your life.

Thanks,thaedyal,i know that we are not, it is just feelings,...
I do not like that when i am single it is going to be harder to achieve from my life what i want, and it is going to take much longer time because i am alone,..from the nature i am very optimistic person, it is my very first time that i feel so "not optimistic". I hope that that these difficulties and unpleasant time will make me stronger .

Nevyn

Chin up you'll get there, yes it's sucks when life doesn't go the way you expect and you feel that your hopes and dreams are so far out of each but you will get there.

loadngo

Hi O.P

NOTHING to be ashamed of i am a single Mum not by choice but then looking back it was for the best as long as you and you child are happy and healthy thats all that matters it can be lonely at times but trust me its the most rewarding thing in the world although it is hard nothing having support in time you will feel at ease my Daughter is 16 i had her when i was 18 and alone with her since she was four and i mean completely alone apart from my family it didnt hold me back i am a Firefighter/Paramedic im more proud of being a Mum and a single mum than anything you cant imagine who proud i am when people compliment me on her and im very proud that i did go back to a relationship that wasnt happy or healthy as for your ex thats just sour grapes revenge is HAPPINESS things will work out trust me what dosent kill you makes you stronger and dont let how you feel reflect on your child dont have him/her feeling ashamed be proud that you are a fantastic Mam who is doing her best