Ugly Doubts

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years and I suppose I should be thinking about getting engaged. The only problem is despite sometimes feeling that we could spend the rest of our lives happily together, at other times I wonder what the fcuk im doing in this relationship.
I have serious doubts about whether she is the one, not that I even believe that there is such a thing, people have various degrees of compatibility that's it, I don't buy into this love at first sight crap.
We probably get on about 80% of the time and argue or sulk the remaining 20% of the time we spend together. I care for her and respect her and love her as a dear friend, Im not in love but that never lasts anyway.
The sex is pretty good but far from mind blowing but then again who in a long term relationship is still having awesome sex?
I miss the fun of the dating game and all that too and i dont think this is healthy for someone in my position.
Has anyone else been in this situation or feels the same? What should I do?

DamagedTrax

Im not in love but that never lasts anyway

:eek:

i'd say you're in the wrong relationship and need to get out of it.

Pawpad

If you feel that strongly then it is doing you both a favour by leaving.

If you aren't in love then you aren't supposed to be.

Has there been any pressure lately to settle further? Maybe it is cold feet. Don't act hastily but don't lead her on because after 5 years, she probably is expecting more from it. You need to be 100% and follow your heart.

Oh The Humanity

Wow, you need to bail out.

If you are not in love and the sex is gone downhill it won't last anyway.

I would expect awsome sex in a LTR, otherwise whats the point....you'll end up cheating down the line.

Also you sound like you are not ready to settle down and need to get back out on the single scene or you will grow to resent giving it all up....and for what?

You already sound resentful and I think it would only get worse if you stay together to keep to a supposed life 'schedule'....

abouttobebanned

There is also a good chance that if you leave her..the three ghosts will appear

1 - The Ghost of You don't know what you have til it's gone.
2. - The Ghost of absence makes the heart grow fonder
3. - The Ghost that makes you compare everyone else to your ex and makes you forget all the bad things about the relationship and only remember the good things.

Dagon

abouttobebanned wrote: »

There is also a good chance that if you leave her..the three ghosts will appear

1 - The Ghost of You don't know what you have til it's gone.
2. - The Ghost of absence makes the heart grow fonder
3. - The Ghost that makes you compare everyone else to your ex and makes you forget all the bad things about the relationship and only remember the good things.

It doesn't matter if those ghosts appear or not, he needs to follow his heart. If it ain't right, it ain't right.

Fear of those ghosts has kept many a relationship alive when it should have been let die. Don't let fear stop you doing the right thing, and face up to the fears.

pikachucheeks

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years and I suppose I should be thinking about getting engaged.The only problem is despite sometimes feeling that we could spend the rest of our lives happily together, at other times I wonder what the fcuk im doing in this relationship.
I have serious doubts about whether she is the one... I care for her and respect her and love her as a dear friend, Im not in love but that never lasts anyway.

If you're having doubts, you need to sit yourself down and decifer why this is happening. You need to weigh up the pros and cons of the relationship and figure out whether or not it's working for you - or if it will work for you, in the long run.

You mention you're not in love with her... Has this always been the case throughout your relationship, or would you say you were once in love with her and this feeling has slowly declined?

If you're serious that you're not in love with her, you'd be crazy to even consider getting engaged! Just because you've been together for a considerable period of time doesn't mean you have to think along the road of getting hitched.

You need to consider the relationship very carefully. Think about what you want and if the relationship is providing / can provide that. Also consider this; Do you think it's fair on either of you to stay in the relationship when you can openly admit you don't feel like you're in love with her? - Is it fair on you, to stay in the relationship you're not entirely satisfied with? and is it fair on her, to be with someone who doesn't fully reciprocate her feelings?

shellyboo

Don't settle, OP. Love and awesome sex are out there, go get them.

dudara

The really simple question here is "Do you love her?" - If you don't, then there's no real point in continuing. If you stay with her and you don't really love her, then you are condeming you both to a life of settling.

BTW - do you think that she loves you?

abouttobebanned

First of all, I agree that too many people stay in bad relationships for the wrong reasons. However, even more people stay in bad relationships instead of trying to fix what's bad about it. Number one cause of bad relationships? Lack of cummunication. Too many times I hear people say, I love her, but I'm not in love with her anymore. Ok, in many cases, that's fine. But those other cases...those times where 2 months later you're sitting in on saturday night alone, thinking about those great fun times you had with a chinese and DVD, and that birthday last week where you just got a forlorn card from her and that little nigget that only means something to you and her...instead of a great fun day and loads of cool, silly, presents.

Talk to her first. Tell her that you're worried that you're drifting apart...go away somewhere on your own and see if you miss her or not...if you don't, then you probably have your answer.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

BTW - do you think that she loves you?

She really does. Leaving her would tear her world apart.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

She really does. Leaving her would tear her world apart.

Not as much as her finding out later that she wasted her best years ......

I regret to have to say it but I agree with earlier posters....


All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I've been with with my partner for 5 and a half years. In response to your Original post:

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years and I suppose I should be thinking about getting engaged.

There's no law to say you have to get engaged after a certain period of time. Me and my partner have only just moved in together!!! Don't try to judge this or any relationship in milestones like that firstly

Unregistered wrote: »

We probably get on about 80% of the time and argue or sulk the remaining 20% of the time we spend together.

Everyone argues pet!!! You can't get on with someone all the time 100%. IMO it just isn't normal for that. Arguments are apart of what makes life!!

Unregistered wrote: »

I care for her and respect her and love her as a dear friend, Im not in love but that never lasts anyway.

Love lasts. You may think it doesn't but it does.

Unregistered wrote: »

The sex is pretty good but far from mind blowing but then again who in a long term relationship is still having awesome sex?

OK fair enough there maybe a few more jiggly bits now than when we first got together but i sitll think my sex life with my partner is pretty awesome!!!

Unregistered wrote: »

I miss the fun of the dating game and all that too and i dont think this is healthy for someone in my position.

I honestly do believe you've answered your own question with the above quote from you original post.

I hope everything works out for you OP.

legend365

Unregistered wrote: »

... I suppose....

That answered it for me OP.

If you were with someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, you'd jump under a bus to get the chance to marry them.

LegacyUser

I think this is a common problem in relationships these days........ the what ifs!
I'm in a simial relationship.
I'm curious to know what you decided on OP?