Boundaries and Committment

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks to a particularly long drawn out “bad patch”, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching regarding boundaries and commitment within my relationship with my partner.

We’ve been together donkey’s years but by most standards are still quite young.
No children, no mortgage, no real ties.

My partner has suffered on and off with depression since we met with some patches being worse than others.
I’ve always felt helpless when he gets down. Nothing I suggest can help. I’ve gone to counselling with him and offered to pay for sessions when things were tight. Paid for day to day stuff to avoid him realising how broke he is and going into debt.

I can see triggers before they happen but if I point them out, we both end up on the defensive.

There have been times when I can see something starting and I just want to run away and tell him to deal with it himself, because that’s about as much help I am when I’m there standing by him through thick and thin.
But I don’t because he’s adamant that he needs me and my support to get him through.
And because I love him.
Above all else I want him to be happy and safe.

Lately I’ve been starting to resent him and how much strain it puts on me when he’s down.
Feeling like this alone makes me want to cry.
I can’t really speak to anyone I know about all this because it’s his private business not mine and if he wanted people to know about it, he’d tell them himself and I don't want people thinking poorly of him or judging him.

When he’s feeling better, things are wonderful mostly and he’s the best partner I could have ever found.
He’s caring and generous and loving. Would kill or die for me.

We moved away last year and I think this is the first bad patch we’ve really been through.
But now I feel all alone and don’t have time away from everything with my family to fall back on.
Up until now, being away together had really been working and I guess I don’t want to admit that it might have just been a honeymoon period.

At the same time as feeling kind of trapped, I also feel like our relationship has become stagnant and that a family or engagement is right off the cards for him.
We have discussed these things in the past in a more hypothetical way, and he always seemed up for the idea “at some stage”.
For me, I think I’ve reached that stage and would love to start settling down properly and saving for a family some day in the next 5-10 years.
I don’t want to put more pressure on him at the moment and then once things are better, I won’t want to rock the boat by bringing such a heavy topic up.

But then, should I be in a relationship with someone I can’t share my dreams and aspirations with?
I’m worried too that if I do suggest moving forward, I’ll end up practically proposing to myself and he’ll just go along with it.
I still have a notion of being swept off my feet and existing in a bubble of love at least for the duration between the engagement and the wedding!

I guess I’m a little all over the place at the moment.
I can’t just be a part-time girlfriend while the going’s good and then run off when things go bad.
But is that not a vow to reserve for when you’re married?

Does anyone else have any experience to share about standing by someone when the times are tough and it being worth it in the long run?

I just need a little pep talk I guess.
Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I've been there, recently in fact.
I was going out with a girl who had serious emotional issues thanks to a troubled upbringing and a disfunctional family. I truly thought the world of her, found her very attractive and I could talk to her for hours on end. But she freaked out when I came close and at times and then was very receptive to whatever affection I might show her. We always seemed to talk about her problems, so much so that it actually got me down a lot, worrying about her where she'd end up etc. For a finish I decided, right I've had enough of this and said look, this ain't going to work. She wasn't ready for a relationship, and wasn't able to receive or reciprocate anything, in short it was like being in love with someone who couldn't love you back.
While I thought the world of her, and really wanted to help her through everything, suggested she get help, that she sever ties from home etc. but she kept fobbing it off that she hadn't time or couldn't afford it. I really bit off more than I could chew, I don't think you can help someone who can't help themselves.
Anyway, I broke up with her, and I've kept contact very scarce since, she says she still wants to chat on MSN every now and again, but I think I'll remove her from that too.

I think when you like someone you want to think they're perfect and overlook whatever flaws they have. But at the end of the day if you're having doubts and it's really getting you down I'd say it's time to move on and enjoy your life while you can.

So in short if you're having serious doubts ( and it seems you are ), it's time to pull out at that time.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. I sympathise. Life can be tough, really tough.

It is hard to comment from outside such a complex and delicate situation as you know. But it is important to remember that sometimes love is just not enough. Sometimes the price we pay, the responsibility we face and the challenges we face are just too much.

My feeling from reading your post - is that, to be honest, you are in the wrong place with the wrong person and you need to really reassess where you are and what you do next. Staying in this situation, feeling the way you do is not being loyal. It is not helping him or you.

My two cents.

All the best

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.
I guess I have some more thinking to do.

I don't want to break up.
He means everything to me.
I need to figure out what means more I guess.

Thanks again, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who's gone through something like this.

Skapoot

You are helping him to not take care of himself. I know you love him and want the best for him, but if you are taking care of him this much and monitoring his finances, paying for his counselling. He will never learn to do it himself. As the saying goes - you can lead a horse to the water etc etc

Next time he is down and wants to just lie in bed all day - get up and do something. His negativity gets positive attention from you. ( I know being depressed is a serious serious illness and I wouldnt wish it on anyone- Im not trying to make it sound trivial). But honestly, if you get up, go out - go do something. Go have fun. For the first few times he might resent you, maybe he'll feel worse. But after a while he'll realise that he wants to get up and go out too. He will want to join you.

I dont know, thats just my 2c . And I've never been in that situation so im not qualified to give you advice! Good luck x