I can't get over my past?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm not too sure where to start with this...
Basically, I was sexually abused and raped as a child (many times within the period a year) over 10 years ago.
I was too scared at the time to tell anyone and for that reason it was never reported.
I'm 19 now but decided a long time ago that I would keep it to myself. I never told anyone (not even my parents) because I basically never wanted to revisit that part of my life.

I found it really hard to get along with people (from that point on) as a kid...but when I started college, I suppose I really made an effort...
I have a lot of friends now, but none that I would consider close. I find it really hard to trust people.
I'm good-looking and get quite a lot of attention from men (no arrogance intended) but I always, always reject them - whether I like them or not.
My friends always tell me I that come across as snobby and that I'm "shallow". But they just don't understand how fcuking scared I am. I can't even explain it.
The thought of a man touching me makes me feel physically sick.
I've never even had a proper boyfriend and the only other time I've had sex was a one-night-stand (last year) where the guy basically took advantage of me.
I've only ever kissed two guys and both times I felt I almost forced myself into doing it. In an effort to feel 'normal' I guess.

Over the last few months though, I've been sort of seeing this one guy. I felt good around him because we're taking it slow I supppose.
But last week, we were talking on the phone and I somehow ended up telling him about what happened to me.
I immediatley regretted it because 1) I don't know him that well and 2) I told him over the phone.
He was really supportive and amazing about it but I feel mortified and like I've let myself down. I feel almost like I've opened up a can of worms I won't be able to close.

I've been avoiding his calls and efforts to contact me since.
I don't want to punish this incredible guy for my mistake of telling him, but I'm so afraid of him judging me. And I dont want his pity or anyone elses.
Tbh I feel kind of numb about the whole thing and the thought of 'discussing' it seems so much worse than not. I feel like I've gone too far now that I've told this guy and I hate myself for it.
And I'm sure the issue of 'tracking down' the man will arise...but the thought of even seeing him again makes me feel ill.

Anyway, I've just re-read this and I'm coming across as real drama queen...Honestly, do I just need to cop on to myself? Idk
I'm not really sure what I'm asking tbh.
I suppose I want to know if time will ever heal this? I'm sick to death of my life being ruled by my stupid memories.
I feel like - by telling this person - I've broken the promise to myself to move on and stop dwelling on the past and I've undone any of my efforts to put it all behind me.
I suppose I just feel kind of lost?

Anyway, sorry for the scattered and long post! Thanks for reading...I suppose I've vented now anyway, even if no advice comes of this...
xxx

cowlove

Hi OP,

do you think keeping this to yourself has helped you over the years?
By the sounds of things it doesnt sound like it has (not trusting people, feeling physically sick with the thought of a man touching you).

Time is a great healer but I trully believe in talking about your problems. Nothing can be gained from keeping this to yourself. WOuld you go to a counsellor? Someone who is impartial.

I think by telling this guy you thought he would run a mile and he hasnt has he!

I think it is time you let this problem out in order to get over it.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hi OP

You are not a drama queen. You had a horrible experience when you were a child and you have been trying to deal with it all on your own. I think that you still need to talk to somebody about this and get counselling (this doesnt have to mean finding/reporting the person who did it). Try the Rape Crisis Network (www.rcni.ie) or Samaritans (www.samaritans.org). Also dont shut this guy out as he sounds like a caring person & he wont pity or judge you. Best of luck.

pikachucheeks

Hi there!

I'd agree with previous posters on this one. You've dealt with massive trauma in your lifetime and it would be a huge weight off your shoulders to be able to talk to a professional, someone designed to listen and advise, about all this.

Taking the step to confide in someone will be the beginning of a fresh start for you. It will help you to put things in the past and ensure you look forward to your future.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I read your message and wanted to tell you if I knew you, how proud I'd be of you for being brave enough to seek advice on this issue. You're 19, I'm a 32 year old male and went through a similiar abuse situation at around the same time of my life. I kept it to myself and never told anyone, it's come back to haunt me again and again and led to many cycles of depression. It affected me through school, college (which I dropped out of), work and in a lot of relationships, I always had to be in control and didn't like/couldn't handle the thought that my happiness depended on someone else whom I had no control over emotionally.

It's only in the last few weeks I've accepted I need counselling and had my first session last week. I talked for an hour and got the impartial advice I needed but would have rejected before due to my pride (I'm strong, I can do this on my own, who the hell is anyone else to think they know me etc....). I did feel better after it though a bit raw emotionally for a few days afterwards. I've another session today and though a little anxious, I know it's for the best.

So my advice to you is to go see a counsellor, tell him/her everything you've said here and more, you'll be surprised at how deep the well is once you've tapped it. Don't be afraid to grieve for your lost innocence, it's the thing that hurts most for me.

As for the guy you told your story to, don't be afraid to talk to him. If he truly cares for you then he'll understand and will support you through all this. I would love to have been strong enough at 19 to talk to someone about what was going through my mind, I feel you are strong enough and definitely need to air it with a counsellor. I've a great gf who knows I'm in counselling and in truth, she gave me the courage to seek help as she had been in counselling a few years before for her own issues. I was stunned when she told me and her honesty made me love her even more! So go ahead OP, don't make the same mistakes I did and live your life without fear and self-doubt. Love and be loved. All the best

jetski

Dont often post here, but after reading about your problem i think its important you report your abuser.

Chances are he or she will do it again to someone else specially if they got away with it the first time.

and secondly id im pretty sure youd be alot better off talking to a professional about your issues...

meglome

Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a terrible experience for any child (or anyone for that matter) to go through. Talking will help. I'm sure people in here will be able to direct you to a counsellor.

You don't need to hide this you did nothing wrong.

messrs

Hi Op
just want to say i think you are very bracve and amazing to have coped this long with this. but i do think its time to talk about it, i know its easy for me to say coz im not in the situation but it will help if you can talk openly about it.
this guy you told, dont shut him out, he sounds like he would be good support to you.
just on the note of reporting that guy that done this - you dont ever have to see him again - even it it did all come to a head and it went to court ect, you could always give your storey via video link - you wouldnt have to come face to face with him.
hope it works out for you -

neuro-praxis

I just want to say that you are not in any way a drama queen.

I think you should pursue a friendship with this guy you told your story to. He seems kind and supportive.

Maybe talking to him will give you strength to talk to a professional who can help you get emotionally well. Some day you will be able to enjoy physical closeness with a special person.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Please remember that none of this is your fault. If you state the area of the country you are living in, we can suggest places for you to get help.

Please keep talking about this. It's going to hurt, but keeping quiet hurts anyway doesn't it?

Take care of yourself.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I've never gone through anything like you have but looking at it logically

I feel like - by telling this person - I've broken the promise to myself to move on and stop dwelling on the past and I've undone any of my efforts to put it all behind me.

This seems to make sense, but look at the earlier parts of your post.

I found it really hard to get along with people (from that point on) as a kid...but when I started college, I suppose I really made an effort...
I have a lot of friends now, but none that I would consider close. I find it really hard to trust people.

I'm good-looking and get quite a lot of attention from men (no arrogance intended) but I always, always reject them - whether I like them or not.

The thought of a man touching me makes me feel physically sick.
I've never even had a proper boyfriend and the only other time I've had sex was a one-night-stand (last year) where the guy basically took advantage of me.
I've only ever kissed two guys and both times I felt I almost forced myself into doing it. In an effort to feel 'normal' I guess.

So you see, the "efforts" you've put in have been fruitless. You're not getting on with your life, you're getting a diminished version of life regarding friendships and relationships because of some scumbags actions.

You did a really good thing by telling your new guy. Even if things don't work with him its evidence you can have a perfectly normal life.

You don't need to feel different or liable to be judged. You did nothing wrong.

I think you should talk to the rape crisis centre, or a counseller. Should get a free one if you're going to college. Even go in to one and don't mention the rape the first time to get a feel for it.

I suppose I want to know if time will ever heal this? I'm sick to death of my life being ruled by my stupid memories.

I don't think time alone will heal this. However, I know seeking help from professionals will.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

This might seem harsh but some stuff we have to leave behind and get on with life.

You might need professional help to do this so it is worth taking a trip to your GP or the counsellor at your college. The decision on whether to take it further is something you make with them and only if its whats right for you and no-one else.

You shouldnt let it dictate your life or use it as an excuse.

You have dropped a bombshell on your friend and you should call them straight away and let them know that you are ok.

Be kind to yourself

castle

Hi OP, I feel for you,
You need to get closure as the yanks would say, and maybe to do this you must bring the person responsible to book.
Due to the nature and time scale of the abuse the person must have been either a family member or someone in the area you where living .
This you should think carefully about,if he done this to you then he is or has done it to other's,It is your responsibility to report him to the police,
I know this is not your question but I feel I have to encourage you to do the right thing and get in contact with the Garda.
These people do not change.

I hope you ring your new friend and don't be afraid to be loved in the right way by him.

Bottle_of_Smoke

castle wrote: »

Hi OP, I feel for you,
You need to get closure as the yanks would say, and maybe to do this you must bring the person responsible to book.
Due to the nature and time scale of the abuse the person must have been either a family member or someone in the area you where living .
This you should think carefully about,if he done this to you then he is or has done it to other's,It is your responsibility to report him to the police,
I know this is not your question but I feel I have to encourage you to do the right thing and get in contact with the Garda.
These people do not change.

I hope you ring your new friend and don't be afraid to be loved in the right way by him.

I think she should come to terms with her own personal issue before moving on to that. Trying to do them at the same time would be far less effective for the OP and any kind of prosecution. I know you mean well though and for what its worth I agree.

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here,

All of this has made me toy with the idea of talking to a councillor.
I never considered it before. I think I always sort of associated it with admitting that I am 'damaged'.
Opening the floodgates is defo not something I have ever tried.
But maybe I need a fresh approach...

As regards reporting him...I've fought with myself over this for a long time. I'm so terrified that he might have hurt other kids. Its making me want to cry even thinking about it.
Believe me, I feel vey selfish and ridiculously cowardly that I've potentially allowed him go free.
I suppose living in ignorance is easier.
I do know though (as someone already pointed out), that it is my responsibility...so I promise I'll try.

Most of all, thank you so much to everyone who answered - its great support and I think its really helped me.
(I'm from South Dublin btw)

neuro-praxis

It really sounds like you are moving in the right direction for yourself.

Access Counselling
National Counselling Service
List of counselling services in South Dublin.

Good luck.