BF with more experience

LegacyUser

I've been with my bf for about 10 months. Everything is going pretty well. He is very serious about me and sees a future together. I do too but I have a major issue I can't seem to get past. I'm 24 but have not had much experience with relationships/dating/scoring. I grew up in the middle of nowhere and never did the normal teen hanging out, only saw my friends in school, so I feel like I missed out on a lot. I went to college totally naive and also missed out on loads as I never felt like I fit in socially and I was very shy and sheltered. I didn't go out much during college as I never found a 'crowd' and only met my first boyfriend in final year - that relationship lasted 2 years. He was pretty similar to me in that he wasn't a massive party animal and had only had 2 girlfriends before me.

My current bf was a total partier in college - drinking loads, doing drugs, being with loads of girls. He's slept with 9 girls but has dated/fooled around with loads more. I have a problem with this. It's not that I'm jealous or feel insecure or anything, but I just feel like he's had so much more life experience than me. I really wish I could turn the clock back and have more wild times but since I can't do that, I feel like maybe I should party a bit more now. I feel like he is in a totally different place to me despite being around my age. He has experienced different relationships, situations, he has a pretty good idea of what he does/doesn't want. If he settled down now, he'd feel like he already experienced loads, whereas I feel like I'm a total newbie relationship wise. I KNOW this isn't his fault but I sometimes get resentful. I'm a bit tired of walking into parties where he's shagged/scored half the girls, but the same never happens when he comes out with me as I've one ex who I don't speak to. I don't feel like we're on equal footing at all.

I'm not sure what I can do about this. He knows how I feel, is understanding, but the only solution seems to be to either finish it or take a break, both of which would crush him (and me). He's a great guy and I love being with him but this is really bothering me!

cathead

I really think you need to accept that he has a past. Everyone has a past.

From reading your message it's clear that you really care about each other but I don't think it's going to work if you let this cloud your enjoyment of the relationship.

Like I said, everyone has a past. The thing is, the present. He is choosing to be with you here and now, not all those other people. Just because he scored/slept with all those people, doesn't mean he had any real intimacy with those people at all. Whereas you were in a two year relationship, this could be something he may feel insecure about.

there's one thing I'm not clear on. You say that you're sick of going into parties where he has scored/shagged girls there. How do you know he has? Have you asked him? Has he told you? Because if he is pushing this information at you the whole time and making you aware of his past conquests constantly then we are talking about a very different problem.

C.

herya

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a bit tired of walking into parties where he's shagged/scored half the girls, but the same never happens when he comes out with me as I've one ex who I don't speak to. I don't feel like we're on equal footing at all.

So you want to start shagging and scoring so that he could have a taste of such situations too? Sounds a bit twisted logic to me.

Are you sure that you are not resentful towards his past seeing how you meet his past sexual partners everywhere? It can be annoying after a while indeed plus it doesn't seem to be too sensitive/gentlemanly on his part.

Maybe you could change your partying environment a little instead?

Nevyn

More experience does not translate into more experience with you.
You will want/like things done in a certain way/manner/timing which is different and each couple has their own way of being with each other, it is not as simple as the "old in out, in out" there are many subtleties that exist when and only when it is the two of you touching each other, that is a unquice learning curve for you both.

You need to learn what please each other and what works for you as a couple and that won't happen if you keep seeing the ghosts of other's while you are trying to be intimate with each other.

Equality is a red herring, what counts is the time and experience that you have with/of each other.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I can relate to you. I grew up in middle of nowhere, was a very shy girl at school, at few friends, never a boyf,no boyf even years on (so I'm a bit worse than you actually), and I went to college really naive, wasn't wild etc.
The thing is, neither of us can change the our past. I feel really inadequate over my lack of exp, however there really is no point dwelling on it. I firmly believe that there are some really nice guys out there. Sometimes it's the girls who are more bit*hy etc and are quicker to judge you, whereas fellas can be really sweet and understanding. One or two of my friends are kinda similar to me, but I know that when they met their boy'f's they found the nicest most decent guys. In fact I think there are a lot of men who are quite happy and respectful of girls who aren't wild, and haven't slept with 10-20 men! the nice guys will love you no matter your past. it sounds like your boyf is understanding, and it probably isn't even an issue at all for him. He might get irritated with you if you keep this up though!
I think you really need to relax and get on with your own relationship and be happy! Like I said there is no point in dwelling.

LegacyUser

Maybe I haven't been clear because it's not that I'm talking about actual sexual experience. I just mean he has been 'out there' a lot more, experiencing relationships and people. He's had fun, he's learned a lot, he's ready to settle down in the next few years. I feel like I'm nowhere near the place he's at and therefore we're not on equal footing. If I were to settle down tomorrow, I think I'd feel I'd missed out.

As for the exes, no he doesn't bring it up all the time, but he has told me about them. I'd rather know than not know. I guess it's just a bit annoying that I always have to be OK with meeting exes (he's from a smallish place so the same people are out at parties) and he's never in the same situation. I'm pretty sure that he would be jealous/insecure if we walked into a room where I'd been with half the men - I guess I just want him to understand how I feel sometimes. I'm not a bunny boiler, I really try to be cool/talk to his exes but sometimes it gets a bit much!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel like I'm nowhere near the place he's at and therefore we're not on equal footing. If I were to settle down tomorrow, I think I'd feel I'd missed out.

If you really feel like this, then maybe you should break up with him. However I'm not sure whether you'll be happy once you do this. Being single and out there is not all it's cracked up to be either.

LegacyUser

My girlfriend has lots more experience than me. We do not speak of her previous parners as I am not comfortable with it.

We have a great sex life which is varied and fun.

There is no real reason for me to think of either her or my pasts.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm not sure what I can do about this. He knows how I feel, is understanding, but the only solution seems to be to either finish it or take a break, both of which would crush him (and me). He's a great guy and I love being with him but this is really bothering me!

Hi OP. This is a very common situation many of us feel when we find ourselves in a heavy relationship after only a short time dating, socialising and partying. I understand exactly what you are saying because I was a slow starter myself.

Firstly every heavy relationship where we really like our partner a lot does not have to lead to settling down together.

If you keep feeling that you need to get out and experience life more I would say to you that that makes complete sense. You are too young to shut up shop and settle down. The only decision will be how much you will feel the loss of your BF. Mind you there will be lots more in your coming years, so I think you shouldn't worry too much.

You say that it will crush him. I know what you mean. But we cannot stay in relationships because of how our partners might feel if we leave. That is not being honest to our partners, never mind ourselves.

My feeling from your posts is that you should really start to think about moving on. Maybe do some traveling. Join some clubs and get out and experience life the way he has. Then you will be in a place where you will be ready to move to the next phase in your life with someone on the same level as you, and be happy to do it.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, i can relate- My boyfriend is 8 years older than me so odviously has had more experience than myself. I was 19 when we got together and had only 1 boyfriend before him (which lasted 2 months, barely). We've now been together 2 and a half years.
I was very quiet in school and stuck to my one group of girlfriends, we never when out or met up with boys or anything- a very tame lifestyle.
I met himself through a part time job after i left school and we got together. He was my first and only. I know he's been with other girls and had many many more girlfriends before me (a couple of which are still in his social group).

In my case it was him who brought up the fact that I hadn't been "out there" as much as him. He said he was worried that I may wake up one morning and think that I'd missed out on something (the same thing happen to his sister in her relationship of 5 years- he decided he hadn't "lived enough" and left her). We've discussed this anyway and although at the moment i can't imagine feeling that way I am aware that it's a very real fear for him.

What we decided was that in a couple years, if we're considering getting married and starting a life together and I'm starting to feel in anyway like I might have missed something, we'll go on a short break. Nothing major, just a couple weeks, just to make sure I'm ready to settle down. Odviously there will be rules (no sex, after all he's the only man i've ever been with), and for all i know nothing might happen! But at least I'll know what i want.

I know how it sounds, and we might never do the break, but it put his mind at ease and that's what matters. After all, he's the man i want to share my life with and it's important to share these issues.

Sorry about the long post!!!!!

LegacyUser

OP it sounds like you're jealous of your boyfriend. It's a relationship, not some sort of competition, you know. Break up with him, do him a favour.

LegacyUser

I don't think it's fair to say I'm jealous. It's not that at all. But I don't think it's true to say that the past doesn't matter. The past makes us who we are. He's the way he is because of his experiences, great relationships, bad relationships, he's been through so much more than me. I have such limited life experience compared to him. I guess I could try not to take it all so seriously, enjoying going out with him and just see where it goes.....

LegacyUser

While i know i wouldn't be able to deal with a girlfriend's past (if she had one - if that makes sense) i feel just going into a new relationship now that i don't want to know anything about her previous boyfriends. I'm not going to ask.

Shouldn't a couple have better things to talk about? What does everyone think?

dearg lady

Hi OP, I can see where you are comin from, it's more the general 'life experience' that bothers you rather than simply he's slept with more people than you.

From the tone of your post it seems there may be a little jealousy on your part, that's nothin to be ashamed of, you're only human after all!! Just don't let it take over, acknowledge it, and try to put it behind you.

As regards the whole life exp bit, I think you're right, our past experiences do influence how we are now. What you decide to do about your situation depends on your own personal feelings. I have a good friend who settled down with her OH very young and missed out on a lot of the late teens/early twenties goin out lots, girly hols etc. I asked her about it once and she did say she had thought, what if they break up, will she be angry she missed out on a lot. Possibly, but so far so good, they're still madly in love. And in fairness, while you 'miss out' on some things you gain others, there are plenty of times I feel lonely when I'm single.

Tbh, it really depends on what you want yourself, I wouldn't throw away a great relationship just for the experience of bein single, but if the urge to go out and experience more is very strong you may feel better to break up.