Friends changing

LegacyUser

hi all
would like some opinions on this
very confused lately, its hard to explain but ill try keep it short
. involves female friend , been friends since 12 (me female too)
. have always gone out together, went through usual teenage things together etc .
. we are all now working
. we have all stayed v closely in touch despite leaving college and taking different routes
. this summer first summer since 07 that we are back to old times as in doing stuff regularly altogether
. we still click and all that but its just their whole outlook in fellas has changed
. now on nights out i dont recognise them the way they act and
. is verging on embarrasing at times, like last night one of them was flirting away with this lad (harmless enough and only bit fun i agree) but its what happened next that absolutely shocked me
from body language it seemed he was not that interested, she (my friend ) certainly was
. lad was polite and chatting away but not leading her on, heard him then saying that he had to be getting home. when suddenly my friend gets into his taxi and tells fella shes going home with him
. according to her this is how rest of night progressed
. at his house- he obliviously was expecting more, she was not up for more (yes this is not typo once she got back to his place game over for her)where he at this stage thought things were only beginning
. friend ended up walking home
. was very upset how he treated her , saying he was abusive when she didnt want to
not physically or anything like that just that he said some mean things to her. he took no for an answer so thankfully nothing happened.

as it transpires guy is my boyfriends cousin (i did not find this out until few hrs ago as i had not met him till now)
over heard boyfriend and guy above ie cousin discuss what happened above (they did not know she my friend or that there is any connection with me.
when above incident happened we had been waiting in car so fella wouldnt have seen me but i could hear and see what was going on if that makes sense!

anyway i just dont know what to do
. had argument with boyfriend , cause he was agreeing with cousin saying that she was right tease of a sXXX and asking for it
. i just felt both of them were being so disrespectful and suppose seen another side to my bf that i never seen before and do not like
. like ok i know she was giving out confusing signals but still...
. above friend mine wouldnt be someone bf would have met before as even myself whilst i would have kept in close contact via email wouldnt have seen friend only maybe 3 times in last 2 years due to me working abroad

so opinions please
. have not brought up issue with friend yet properly (esp part about my bf knowing etc as she has important week at work just didnt feel she needed these extra details right now)
. have only basically heard her side of events
. im not perfect and have certainly done things in past ive regretted but felt she really took too many risks, she only knew guy above for 20mins none of rest of us knew of him at that stage.
. yes drink was involved on her part but not to excess little tipsy but certainly by no means drunk at all
. just worries me how she has changed and feel her change in behaviour is going to give her a name.
. so what do you all think?

metamorphosis

No offense OP, but could you by any chance edit your post so that it is a little more readable

LegacyUser

op here again
sorry did rant on a lot!
dont know how to edit as i went unreg
basically im hurt over how i guess friends behaviour has changed
and the kind of fellas she is attracting with it and worried she could get herself into some real trouble one night
and also the fact that bf agreed with cousin (who was lad she ended up going home with but not sleeping with) that she was asking for it
guess seen a side to him that i really didnt like, to think that thats his opinion on women and their right to change their minds
he was never like that with me...but really felt that as he was talking fellow to fellow that thats what he really thinks..

head tired hope thats bit better!

R.D. aka MR.D

On your friend:

You need to speak to her and try to understand why she is acting like this, is she lonely or under a lot of pressure at work? Maybe you could help her by doing things with her that don't involve drinking.
But you also have to remember that she is an adult and what she does is at her own risk.

On your Boyfriend:

This is quite serious if your boyfriend was implying that his cousin should have done whatever he wanted when when the girl said no. You can't stay with a man like that.
However, if he was saying that women are teases and sympathising with your cousin then thats different.
If he was saying that the girl deserved to be verbally abused then that is something you need to discuss between you.

However, it is up to you whether you want to be with a man who is disrespectful about women.

LegacyUser

thanks for that really helps to get outsiders opinion
will sit friend down for chat next week when things settle down
i know she is an adult and all but felt terrible last nite when realised what was happening
makes me feel 22 going on 50 as rest gang dont bat an eye lid and see it as normal. going back 2years they wouldnt. not like we never ended up at random house parties after night out bt this is different i feel..

on bf it was an over heard conversation so im going to have do a lot of thinking on that.
feel its very easy for him to justify himself now to get in clear..
cant help feeling that i did not like tone of conversation..on other side havent any reason to believe he is like that. worrying also is fact this cousin has returned from being away and is idolised by bf..already plans in place to do this and that , go places together. after how he spoke to my friend he disgusts me, dont think i could bear be in same room. would have told him so today except other family members around didnt want scene..

TheInquisitor

No offense meant OP but your friend acted like a twat. The guy wasn't that interested . The girl forced her way home with him. What did she expect? That he didn't expect something to happen after she'd gone to so much trouble to go home with him? Completely your friends fault.

fonpokno

Your friend hopped into a taxi insisting on going home with a guy who wasn't interested and you're blaming him? Entirely your friend's fault. If I was the guy I'd think she was a tease too.

I used to have some friends like this (I'm a 20 year old girl) and I've given up on them. They were just attention seeking idiots who put themselves in bad situations to make themselves feel sexy.

Tbh I can't really understand why you're judging your boyfriend so harshly. If your friend was reluctant to go home with the guy and then changed her mind then fine, that's all dandy. But she pretty much forced her way into the car and home with him by the sounds of it. Anyone would think it was going further. I know I wouldn't go home with someone if I wasn't intending on it going further. Sounds to me like your friend needs to cop on to herself.

shellyboo

Interesting to see people exclaim "nobody should be forced to do something they don't want to do!" in relation to the girl not sleeping with the guy, but seem to have no issue with the fact that HE wasn't interested and SHE forced herself on him in the first place.

Double standards abound. The girl is beyond silly, verging on reckless. She needs a hefty dose of cop the fcuk on.

Kipperhell

OP your friend was pretty stupid. Many people will be at least verbally abusive but she could easily have met worse.

As for your BF and his cousin, I am not sure what you are saying they have done. If the cousin was abusive verbally I think everyone can say that is to be expected. The level of abuse is just a bit unclear from your post. If he was just verbally nasty I think that is reasonable. If he trapped her in the house and was threatening that is different.
I think any male friend would support a verbal attack under the circumstance described. What I do find more disturbing is that you have concealed to both sides that you know the other and are silently judging everybody. You should have told everybody you knew the people involved now there is a possibility they will find out on their own. Expect verbal abuse yourself from the people involved when they do.

Maybe you should not judge your friend's actions so sternly if you are concerned you can express that

fonpokno

Unregistered wrote: »

makes me feel 22 going on 50 as rest gang dont bat an eye lid and see it as normal. going back 2years they wouldnt. not like we never ended up at random house parties after night out bt this is different i feel..

This has happened to me at times. I'm made to feel like an oul one cos I don't want to go home with strangers or get plastered off my head to the point where I'm puking in an alley and can't remember my own name. People are just different. The likes of leaving school and college can change people a lot.

on bf it was an over heard conversation so im going to have do a lot of thinking on that.
feel its very easy for him to justify himself now to get in clear..
cant help feeling that i did not like tone of conversation..on other side havent any reason to believe he is like that. worrying also is fact this cousin has returned from being away and is idolised by bf..already plans in place to do this and that , go places together. after how he spoke to my friend he disgusts me, dont think i could bear be in same room. would have told him so today except other family members around didnt want scene..

I think you're judging both your boyfriend and his cousin very harshly when you only have one side of the story. Have you considered the possibility that your friend is lying through her teeth so she can play the victim?

Das Kitty

OP you're right when you say your friend is taking too many risks. I have some experience with this myself with a former friend and it's 98% of the reason I don't see her anymore.

High risk behaviour is a sign of something deeper at play. It's like she's testing men to see how far she can push it, almost willing someone to do something to her to confirm her suspicions that they're all assholes. Eventually someone will do something, it's only a matter of time.

Try to voice your concerns with your friend and be frank with her, her behaviour is very damaging to herself and to everyone around her. What did you do after she got in the taxi with the guy? I'll bet you didn't go home and have a nice relaxing night's sleep, I'll bet you were worried sick about her. Then her telling you about the guy's reaction, I'd imaging you were sick to your stomach thinking about what could easily have happened to her. Well I'm not imagining, I know, I was you.

My friend did exactly these things, one night she took off out of the club and none of us knew where she was, she had no mobile phone. We were frantic. I sat up all night crying wondering was she dead in a ditch somewhere. The next morning I rang her mother and lo and behold my friend picked up. Think relief mixed with rage!

The spanner had gone home with a guy after 10 minutes talking. He wanted sex, she said no but didn't leave. Instead she decided to sleep in his bed, naked, with him beside her. She was then shocked and appalled when she woke up to find him trying to climb on top of her.

It was soon after that that I decided to stop chasing the friendship with her. I couldn't do it to myself to have another night like that one.

LegacyUser

OP here
thanks for all your opinions its good to get both sides

since last posting friend now knows and also bf and cousin know it was my friend
since i have calmed down and realised i over reacted,
when i told bf he has now said that he cant believe id want to be or how i could be friends with someone like that (which i can agree with but he doesnt know her as well as me, she isnt really like this.) he said that he thinks she is a complete sxxx and doesnt want to have to hang out with her when we are all out in a group (which we will be quite regularly with new move)
i have told friend my concerns and they dont seem to be really hitting home
she hasnt said as much but from the silence im getting
"you have gotten so old"
really she doesnt seem to get the big deal that im making about whole episode.
had chat with cousin and their stories tally alright, no trapping in house or anything just peeved off with her.

bf isnt being controlling as in saying i cant be friends with her
he is very clear he does not want to be around her
but he also cant see why id want to hang around with "her kind"as he put it