Bullied by friend?

KieranKennedy

I was in a friends house earlier today. We were just having a laugh. But all of a sudden she sat down next to me and launched into an abusive tirade. She slagged everything about me from my appearance to my voice, my taste in music, my dress sense, everything. At first I took it as a joke, and laughed, but she told me to shut the **** up laughing and kept going. I could tell from her face that she was serious, and I tried to get a word in but she just kept going. I eventually just left her house.

I have been really shaken up about it since and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have no idea why she would behave like this. I have know her for years and she has never treated me like this. I literally wept after it, and my self confidence is really shaken. What should I do? What can I do? Has this ever happened to anyone else? Why would it happen? Please any advice appreciated. I am constantly thinking trying to figure out why she would do this to me.

abouttobebanned

PMT.

KieranKennedy

abouttobebanned wrote: »

PMT.

What is that?

abouttobebanned

I should probably ask...how old are you and your friend?

are you male OP?

KieranKennedy

abouttobebanned wrote: »

I should probably ask...how old are you and your friend?

19

KieranKennedy

Deleted User wrote: »

are you male OP?

Yes I am male

Is there any possibility that this female friend has feelings for you which are beyond friendship? Is it possible that she has been trying to subtly let you know these feelings and because you have not reciprocated, she got upset and went on a rant to upset you?

abouttobebanned

Every month, due to a phenomenon called Pre Menstrual Tension, women become moody, sensitive, eh...for want of a better word, mental. That may be the explanation.

KieranKennedy

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Every month, due to a phenomenon called Pre Menstrual Tension, women become moody, sensitive, eh...for want of a better word, mental. That may be the explanation.

Oh sorry I didn't recognise the acronym. Would that explain an out of the blue rant like this? She would have been around me plenty of times before while experiencing that if it is something that she is susceptible to. And it was really violent, she wasn't holding anything back. Even thinking about it now I am getting shivers.

Silverfish

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Every month, due to a phenomenon called Pre Menstrual Tension, women become moody, sensitive, eh...for want of a better word, mental. That may be the explanation.

The OP has known her for years. While it's a nice easy excuse, it's highly unlikely.


OP, you probably will only get the answer for this from her, it's unlikely anyone else can guess what it could be.

Kintarō Hattori

As shaken up as you are about it OP the best thing you can do is be strong and ask your friend why she did what she did, otherwise you can only guess. Perhaps she does have feelings for you and is annoyed that you haven't noticed. Perhaps someone told her you said things about her behind her back.

Without confronting her OP you can only guess. Ask her.

KieranKennedy

Deleted User wrote: »

Is there any possibility that this female friend has feelings for you which are beyond friendship? Is it possible that she has been trying to subtly let you know these feelings and because you have not reciprocated, she got upset and went on a rant to upset you?

I don't think that could explain it. She was really going mental at me, at first I thought it was a joke, but I was still slightly nervous because she seemed so angry, and then when I realised that she was serious. I can't understand it. I really don't think somebody who likes me would act like this. And she has never acted in a way which would lead me to believe that she wanted to be anything other than friends.

Paulyh

it sounds like your friend should just be blanked!!
but for a so called friend to do that is way outta line, she is obviously aware how hurt you would be by her verbal attack on you.......especially if it was in front of others.
if it was me, i'd just simply blank her........you dont need someone in your life like that, and its not as if you can trust her again or feel comforable around her again. any amount of appologies or excuses just wouldnt cut it in my book. she's a nasty wench, a scopion woman!!! and no one has the right to make you feel like that, especially someone you thought you could trust.............

Good luck man, she's the one with the problem, not you

LadyJ

In a few days give her a call and ask her what the hell it was about. You'll never know the story unless you talk to her.

Jenroche

It sounds like you need to let your friend know how much she has hurt you and then try to get to the bottom of why she tore into you like that. I'd recommend waiting until you feel less upset and then tackle her. Give it a day or two, let her cool her heels a bit then see her. Good luck.

Jen ;->

KieranKennedy

Paulyh wrote: »

it sounds like your friend should just be blanked!!
but for a so called friend to do that is way outta line, she is obviously aware how hurt you would be by her verbal attack on you.......especially if it was in front of others.
if it was me, i'd just simply blank her........you dont need someone in your life like that, and its not as if you can trust her again or feel comforable around her again. any amount of appologies or excuses just wouldnt cut it in my book. she's a nasty wench, a scopion woman!!! and no one has the right to make you feel like that, especially someone you thought you could trust.............

Good luck man, she's the one with the problem, not you

Yeah you are probably right. I am just so surprised at it, I have no idea why she would do this to me. And to clarify, it wasn't in front of anyone, that would probably make it easier to understand, she might be trying to influence somebody else's opinion or something, it was just me and her. You are probably right that I should just blank her. I keep thinking I should call her but I don't think that is a good idea.

pikachucheeks

KieranKennedy wrote: »

I was in a friends house earlier today. We were just having a laugh. But all of a sudden she sat down next to me and launched into an abusive tirade. She slagged everything about me from my appearance to my voice, my taste in music, my dress sense, everything...

I have been really shaken up about it since and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have no idea why she would behave like this. I have know her for years and she has never treated me like this. I literally wept after it, and my self confidence is really shaken. What should I do?

Hi there.

This happened to me before, with a male friend of mine. He used to slag me via text, about anything and everything! At first, I took it as a joke, but eventually, the slags got worse, I took offense and ended up getting very hurt by it, which is seemingly what's happened to you.

My advice is to talked to your friend, confront her and let her know how you feel. Outline what you've said in your post ; you've been left hurt and shaken by her comments, you have no idea why she treated you that way or said things like that to you.

Don't be embarrassed to let your friend know how you're feeling, following her comments. Pretending to be fine will wear you down and will give her reason to believe she can tease you again.

Whatever her reasons were, she has hurt your feelings and the situation needs to be addressed.
If you don't communicate how you feel to her, she might continue to slag you which will only leave you feeling more and more unhappy.

I confronted my friend in the same way. I outlined I could take a joke and have a laugh but some of his comments had over-stepped the mark and had actually caused me to feel bad about myself. He apologised and said he didn't realise he'd been hurting me. Since then, we've been fine! He's made a conscious effort to be more wary of my feelings.

EDIT: If you do decide, following some people's advice, to cut this girl out of your life, talking about the situation with her before doing so might help you. It will give the situation closure and you'll get some level of understanding into why she said the things she did. You'll also be able to understand that her comments are a reflection on her, as a person, not on you.

Eve_Dublin

KieranKennedy wrote: »

Oh sorry I didn't recognise the acronym. Would that explain an out of the blue rant like this? She would have been around me plenty of times before while experiencing that if it is something that she is susceptible to. And it was really violent, she wasn't holding anything back. Even thinking about it now I am getting shivers.

No, :rolleyes: this would not explain a rant like this. PMT makes some women moody, emotional and susceptible to being particularly sensitive to comments that weren't intended to cause offence....and some women are just nasty people because that's just who they are. I get pretty moody around that time of the month but I would never and have never verbally abused a supposed friend to that extent. I might snap at my OH or family or friends but immediately realise what I've done and apologise. I would not go on and on and on with the tirade of abuse like your friend.

If you can't think of a reason that might justify her behaviour, I would delete her number from your phone and never get in touch with her again. This girl is a bully and her behaviour today is unforgivable. With friends like this you don't need enemies. Friends should not make you feel like you feel now. Try and ignore everything she said; any of us could point out faults in anyone if we were as nasty as her so try your best not to take them to heart. You've learnt a lesson today and a valuable one at that: some people are just pricks and that's life.

Boston

What did you say to her just before she ripped into you? Like what where the exact words.

Eve_Dublin

Jenroche wrote: »

It sounds like you need to let your friend know how much she has hurt you and then try to get to the bottom of why she tore into you like that. I'd recommend waiting until you feel less upset and then tackle her. Give it a day or two, let her cool her heels a bit then see her. Good luck.

Jen ;->

No I really wouldn't bother doing the above, OP. Feck her. Seriously.

speedy2007

OP that is way out of line what she did. Have you ever seen this side of her before, perhaps not directed at you but at others?

If it was me i would cut her out of my life. She is the one who should be calling you up to apologise, not you having to call her to find out why she did it. You can do without "friends" like her in your life.

and as a woman myself, pmt would not explain this.

pikachucheeks

speedy2007 wrote: »

If it was me i would cut her out of my life. She is the one who should be calling you up to apologise, not you having to call her to find out why she did it. You can do without "friends" like her in your life.

Perhaps the girl in question has no idea how much hurt she's caused? Yes, she's obviously hurt the OP's feelings on a grand scale, but considering he hasn't vocalised how he's been affected by what she's done to her directly, she might be blissfully unaware!

Some people aren't as conscious of other people's feelings and unless told, won't understand that their actions have hurt someone.

Darthhoob

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Every month, due to a phenomenon called Pre Menstrual Tension, women become moody, sensitive, eh...for want of a better word, mental. That may be the explanation.

trust me, i have my momemnts with PMT, i think all women do...but i've NEVER known a woman to go THAT mental. as someone said...PMT makes women more likely to take offense or get arsey about something they feel is a problem (no matter how small) more than just flipping out like that. this 'friend' obviously has issues.

i dont know what to advise but if i were you..i'd stay away from anyone who makes me feel bad about myself x try not to take what they said to heart...easier said than done i know but seems she has the problem and not you

waitinforatrain

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If you can't think of a reason that might justify her behaviour, I would delete her number from your phone and never get in touch with her again.

This is the way to go, but... what she did is unforgivable and inexcusable, and you need to obtain closure on it instead of just blanking her, i.e. you need a face to face with her. Whether this is a rational calm thing, or whether you want to get mad (people here will tell you not to but i think you have to let it out), otherwise you'll be left wondering.

benj

maybe you should text her and ask her what it was all about,
in that way if she has feelings for you she might tell you rather than
say it to your face,
i'ts possible she really fancies you but don't have the courage
to tell you....
Good Luck

Eve_Dublin

waitinforatrain wrote: »

This is the way to go, but... what she did is unforgivable and inexcusable, and you need to obtain closure on it instead of just blanking her, i.e. you need a face to face with her. Whether this is a rational calm thing, or whether you want to get mad (people here will tell you not to but i think you have to let it out), otherwise you'll be left wondering.

Hmmm...I'd probably want closure as well in this case but really, I'd be too angry to approach her to discuss it calmly. How could she excuse that kind of behaviour?? I really think it's up to her to make the first move and do the apologising/grovelling/explaining. I'm sure she's completely aware of how much she hurt the OP.

BankMan

OP - does she use drugs ?

geranimojess

KieranKennedy wrote: »

I was in a friends house earlier today. We were just having a laugh. But all of a sudden she sat down next to me and launched into an abusive tirade. She slagged everything about me from my appearance to my voice, my taste in music, my dress sense, everything. At first I took it as a joke, and laughed, but she told me to shut the **** up laughing and kept going. I could tell from her face that she was serious, and I tried to get a word in but she just kept going. I eventually just left her house.

I have been really shaken up about it since and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have no idea why she would behave like this. I have know her for years and she has never treated me like this. I literally wept after it, and my self confidence is really shaken. What should I do? What can I do? Has this ever happened to anyone else? Why would it happen? Please any advice appreciated. I am constantly thinking trying to figure out why she would do this to me.

She is the one who owes an Explanation/Apology so let her contact you,there is no way I would put up with that kind of behaviour no matter how close the Relationship is.In fact I would not want to even listen to an Explanation/Apology for no sane Person would do what she did, walk away while your still able to Kieran you sound like a nice Guy.

geranimojess

benj wrote: »

maybe you should text her and ask her what it was all about,
in that way if she has feelings for you she might tell you rather than
say it to your face,
i'ts possible she really fancies you but don't have the courage
to tell you....
Good Luck

Really Benj I know your trying your best with your advice to Kieran but do you really believe this "Friend" has the hot's for him,because if there is even the remotest chance that she has then I would not give a Dime for Kierans chances of Survival if his "Friend"suddenly decided that she has'nt.

sarahlulu

I would be very tempted to cut her out of my life straight away. I just wonder, if the OP does this without confronting her, will it not always be in the back of his mind. Very hard to forget about it and move on if you don't know what caused the problem in the first place. However, once an explaination was givenI would cut my losses and never give her the chance to do it again.

spongeman

Ye left the toilet seat up again did'nt ya?

Silverfish

Off topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please read the charter before posting.

Carsinian Thau

I don't think that she has feelings for the OP. The behaviour is too extreme and too nasty for that. Also, as above posters mentioned if it was PMT, it would have happened before and would be very unlikely to have occured on such an extreme scale.

OP, if you decide that a friendship is worth maintaining with her (and only you can make this decision) then wait a few days. See if she gets in contact with you first and take it from there. Do get the explanation if you follow this route. If you decide to contact her first, do NOT text her. This needs to be face to face or at the very least, over the phone. The conversation through any other medium won't work and would be too slow to be of any benefit to you.

Is it possible that she's under some sort of stress at the moment and maybe just snapped? And maybe once she began, she simply couldn't stop. Perhaps she lost control of herself. Even if this is the reason, it's still way out of line.

Dr_Phil

KieranKennedy wrote: »

I was in a friends house earlier today. We were just having a laugh. But all of a sudden she sat down next to me and launched into an abusive tirade. She slagged everything about me from my appearance to my voice, my taste in music, my dress sense, everything. At first I took it as a joke, and laughed, but she told me to shut the **** up laughing and kept going. I could tell from her face that she was serious, and I tried to get a word in but she just kept going. I eventually just left her house.

I have been really shaken up about it since and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have no idea why she would behave like this. I have know her for years and she has never treated me like this. I literally wept after it, and my self confidence is really shaken. What should I do? What can I do? Has this ever happened to anyone else? Why would it happen? Please any advice appreciated. I am constantly thinking trying to figure out why she would do this to me.

She should look for a professional help, it seems she is having some serious mental issues...

Max_Damage

abouttobebanned wrote: »

PMT.

It's called PMS

LegacyUser

BankMan wrote: »

OP - does she use drugs ?

This was my first thought as well. Sudden outbursts which are out of character can sometimes be a sign that the person is using. It's just something else to consider but you know her better than anyone here.

wasper

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Every month, due to a phenomenon called Pre Menstrual Tension, women become moody, sensitive, eh...for want of a better word, mental. That may be the explanation.

Rubbish, her behaviour was OTT & beyond any excuse. No sane woman ora person behaves this way.
I will not have anything to do with her again, unless a very groveling & sincere apology.

itouchmyself

I wreckon your a gay bloke???? And shes single girl??? and she needs some loving

Xiney

itouchmyself that is not an acceptable reply on this forum.

Please have a read of the charter before posting again, otherwise you face a ban.

Ta.

Xiney


(infracted)

KieranKennedy

I am not gay, I just want to make that clear.

Well I called her last night to see if I could sort all this out. She was fine, laughing away at the few jokes I made to try and break the tension before I confronted her about the earlier events. She didn't seem to be worried about it at all though so I didn't spend long doing this. I eventually just said outright "Why did you do that earlier Roberta?" There was a pause, and then she responded, without any emotion (not even spitefully, which was the most unnerving thing about it?) "Because I can" She said nothing else. I hung up the phone.

Half of me is thinking I should never contact her again, and that she is just a bad person, but the other half is thinking that this behaviour is so at odds with how she has acted all the time I have known her (she is a close friend), and that there must be something going wrong for her, and that if I desert her now, what kind of a friend am I?

Oh The Humanity

Very, very strange.

It seems like she is having some sort of episode?

Do you know her family or what is her situation.....is there anyone close to her you can speak to. It would just seem so strange and out of character.

Taltos

Holy jeez...

Man - take a big step back here.
Block her number; delete all contact details and let your friends/family who-ever know that she is NOT welcome where you live and never to allow her entry.

This is one crazy manipulative evil (better stop here)...

Going from laughing to cold so fast with a simple "cause I can" - anyone else here hear the knife music from psycho in the background.

Honestly - she is not a friend to you - and she does not really consider you a friend. Cut her out of your life - you gave her a chance and she messed up by showing you what she was really like....

Run...

bonobox

She may be suffering from mild depression. I wouldn't rule that out. Does she have any family history of depression that you know about OP? It's possible she may be on medication for the condition and you don't know about it. I'd say take it as it comes for a while.

KieranKennedy

bonobox wrote: »

She may be suffering from mild depression. I wouldn't rule that out. Does she have any family history of depression that you know about OP? It's possible she may be on medication for the condition and you don't know about it. I'd say take it as it comes for a while.

I have known her very well for about 5 years, and nothing of this sort has come to my attention. That doesn't mean it isn't there of course. You see this is the reason why I am so reluctant to cut her out of my life. She is a very confident person, and I can understand how admitting that she feels helpless could be very difficult to her. Perhaps she is trying to tell me that she wants help, but she cannot bring herself to actually say it? Also, by venting on me she might also be trying to raise her own self opinion after it has been wracked by a mental illness or something? I think I should not lose touch with me friend until I know exactly what is wrong. The trouble is that means talking to her either in person or on the phone, which obviously has its difficulties, perhaps I am wrong about the whole thing and she is just a vindictive person at heart and it has taken me a long time to realise that.

Milky Moo

I have had a few female friends in the past who,when they get drink,act like complete bitches and get this attitude that they can do and say as they want.

The false confidence garnered from alcohol can be very ugly on some people.

I found it hard to reconcile the people they appeared to be normally and the people they became with drink so I no longer speak to them.

The fact you were making jokes and then asked her about her behaviour suggests maybe she was saying it in a jokey manner and is completely embarrassed by it,if you had confronted her in person she wouldn't have been able to be so glib,hopefully.

Personally I feel you gave her an opportunity to explain why she behaved so horribly towards you and she wasted it.

Cut your losses,even if she was just having a bad night and you were willing to forgive her she wasted it by her childish answer when you phoned.
Any real friend who felt terribly would have called you and apologised for their behaviour the next day,not waited for you to call and continue to be a cow.

ManOfMystery

KieranKennedy wrote: »

I have known her very well for about 5 years, and nothing of this sort has come to my attention. That doesn't mean it isn't there of course. You see this is the reason why I am so reluctant to cut her out of my life. She is a very confident person, and I can understand how admitting that she feels helpless could be very difficult to her. Perhaps she is trying to tell me that she wants help, but she cannot bring herself to actually say it? Also, by venting on me she might also be trying to raise her own self opinion after it has been wracked by a mental illness or something? I think I should not lose touch with me friend until I know exactly what is wrong. The trouble is that means talking to her either in person or on the phone, which obviously has its difficulties, perhaps I am wrong about the whole thing and she is just a vindictive person at heart and it has taken me a long time to realise that.

Regardless of her motivation, regardless of her reasons, and regardless of whether this was a genuinely vindictive attack or a 'cry for help', what she said was bang out of order and I think you're being much too nice about it.

Many people snap or make an off the cuff remark and immediately apologise, which is fair enough, but to sit and lambast you like that for a period of time and still offer no apology is ridiculous. If one of my friends did it, they would be getting a peace of my mind and I would tell them in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't want them near me again unless they were going to apologise or explain themselves.

LegacyUser

KieranKennedy wrote: »

I am not gay, I just want to make that clear.

Well I called her last night to see if I could sort all this out. She was fine, laughing away at the few jokes I made to try and break the tension before I confronted her about the earlier events. She didn't seem to be worried about it at all though so I didn't spend long doing this. I eventually just said outright "Why did you do that earlier Roberta?" There was a pause, and then she responded, without any emotion (not even spitefully, which was the most unnerving thing about it?) "Because I can" She said nothing else. I hung up the phone.

Half of me is thinking I should never contact her again, and that she is just a bad person, but the other half is thinking that this behaviour is so at odds with how she has acted all the time I have known her (she is a close friend), and that there must be something going wrong for her, and that if I desert her now, what kind of a friend am I?

OP, I'm sorry but there is only one way to handle this weird young woman and that is to have nothing more to do with her.
She has some weird personality disorder alright, and sounds like she is on some kind of vindictive power trip but thats not your problem. She needs to learn how to keep friends and unfortunately she will only learn that by loosing one.
If you contact her again she will never have any respect for you.

pikachucheeks

KieranKennedy wrote: »

I have known her very well for about 5 years, and nothing of this sort has come to my attention. That doesn't mean it isn't there of course. You see this is the reason why I am so reluctant to cut her out of my life. She is a very confident person, and I can understand how admitting that she feels helpless could be very difficult to her. Perhaps she is trying to tell me that she wants help, but she cannot bring herself to actually say it? Also, by venting on me she might also be trying to raise her own self opinion after it has been wracked by a mental illness or something? I think I should not lose touch with me friend until I know exactly what is wrong. The trouble is that means talking to her either in person or on the phone, which obviously has its difficulties, perhaps I am wrong about the whole thing and she is just a vindictive person at heart and it has taken me a long time to realise that.

Wow, reading that, I recognised much of myself in it.

I have had various friends who remind me of the person you're dealing with.

This girl's behaviour is not normal and as people have suggested, it does seem like she has some underlying issues. Could be depression, could be anything!
Regardless of what it is, what she did to you was NOT acceptable and you shouldn't stand for it.

It would be all too easy for you to act supportive now and forget what she did to you, but in my experience, this will leave you vulnerable and viable to be hurt by her again.
You need to be firm with her. You can be supportive and understanding of any issues she's going through, but make sure she knows that you're not going to let her abuse you.

I've realised from being in similar situations that while it's nice to offer the person support, the only people who can truly help them are themselves and professionals.
I had a toxic relationship with a girl when I was in secondary school. Following years of her going out of her way to hurt me, I left her. I told her I couldn't help her anymore and that she needed to want to help herself, before she could get better.
We didn't speak for months and one day, I got a message from her, thanking me and saying that until she'd been left totally alone, she didn't realise how badly she needed to get help and to sort her life out.

Before the situation is let get out of control, speak to your friend, ask her what's been going on, make sure you're firm with her and make it clear that you won't tolerate her mean comments, you won't be a pushover and let her away with hurting you. If she confides in you that she does have issues, recommend to her that she sees a specialist. Someone once said to me about my situation ; "You're meant to be her friend, not her councilor" - there is a difference and there is only so much you can do.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

By saying ''because I can'' she means start growing a ****in spine and standing up for yourself maybe she likes you but hates that you dont be a man and stand up for yourself. You already said you let go on a tirade against you if that was me I would've stopped her dead in her tracks. Grow a pair and tell her to **** off

KieranKennedy

Well I have decided what I am going to do.

Earlier today there was a knock at the door. I answered it and it was my friend. She asked if she could come in. I was pretty surprised and didn't really know what to say so I just let her in. She acted pretty much normal, as if there is nothing strange going on. I didn't say anything much really, and then out of the blue she started ripping on me again, just like last time. I sat through it because at this stage I don't know what to think about the whole thing. She left about and hour ago. I am not going to have anything to do with her ever again, no matter what problems she is going through. I am really down at the moment, I feel almost depressed. It is going to take a long time for me to get over this, no matter how crazy or wrong she is, it is very hard to hear somebody who knows you so well saying these things about you. I feel terrible, as if somebody just beat me up. Well thanks for the help, I think I will take the advice of those who say I should just forget her and leave her out of my life. Thanks.


Edit: Actually I am thinking about going around to her house and letting rip myself. I am suddenly so angry about all the pain she has caused me for no reason at all. I am very angry at her and I think she deserves to be put in her place.