2 years on & still not over my ex - why???

LegacyUser

Hi. It's almost 2 years since my ex broke up with me. The break-up was 100% entirely my fault and I felt (feel) absolutely awful about it - we'd been having a difficult patch for a while, and I cheated on him. I know my behaviour was completely inexcusable and I hate myself for it desperately. We'd been together about 3 years, living together, he moved out immediately but we communicated by email for a little bit. Then after about 2 months he cut off all contact with me, telling me he was moving on with his life and I should too.

I tried to accept this, and I've tried to move on. My life seems like it's going pretty ok, I started seeing another guy about 5 months after the break-up with my ex and he's a super guy, we're still together now. I do love this guy, but I recognise at the same time that it's not quite as deep a love as I felt for my ex. I don't think I'll ever find love as deep as with him, I guess he was "the one" and I f***ing blew it in my stupidity and selfishness. I seem to think about this a lot, much more so than I should do almost 2 years later, when I'm in another relationship which is going great. I want to move on and get over my ex, but I just don't seem to be able to do it.

Days like today come along, I was doing some tidying in my flat and found a letter my ex had written me, and suddenly I'm in floods of tears and pouring over the internet, re-reading old emails from him, facebook-stalking him, etc. I realise this is completely unfair to my current boyfriend, who I love and really want to make our relationship work. I don't want my ex to always be in the back of my mind. But I don't know how to make it go away.

I try to focus on all the great things about my current boyfriend, but a little voice in my head keeps reminding me that it's just not quite as good as it was with my ex (before it all went wrong).

I know there'll be people out there who'll think I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life cos I cheated, and that I should let my current boyfriend find someone who doesn't have all this selfish baggage with her. But I feel so bad about everything that went wrong with my ex, I regret it so much and know that I was completely wrong. But I can't shake the feeling that he was "the one" and I've lost him forever.

I dunno what I'm asking really. I guess I'm wondering if I can ever move on? Or if I just need to get used to having this feeling at the back of my head. I want to give myself emotionally 100% to my boyfriend, but I don't know if I can. I know i've been a horrible selfish person, and I'm still being now. But I don't know what I can do to make it better.

ahaaha

Is your ex in a relationship at the moment? Do you think you might subconsciously be 'waiting' for him to come back to you? It might be the reason that you cannot fully commit yourself to your current fella..... 'just in case'. you need to delete the old emails, texts and stop looking at his facebook account. i know it sounds sooooo hard - but you're only tearing yourself apart. it's the only way to move on, by stopping looking at the past.

i really do feel for you, but your not alone - we all have the 'one that got away'. you need to stop beating yourself up about this - everyone makes mistakes, its human nature.

LegacyUser

I agree I think the only way to move on is to delete every email and get rid of all your letters from your ex, otherwise you will just not be able to move on. took me about 5 years to get over my ex, he was 'the one' also and he broke my heart. it takes a long time to move on but you have a lovey boyfriend now why don't you make it work? you will always have the memories of your last relationship. i doubt there is any chance of reconciliation with your ex so you are just torturing yourself. you can have the memories and even occassionaly let yourself have a cry about it but you gotta say to yourself i want to make a nice life for myself and have a nice future and be happy and move on

Tallulahbelle

I just read an letter in the problem page of a magazine where the girl was in a similar position to you. The advice was to contact the ex and see if they might have a coffee. If they do, go along and tell him how you feel, maybe if he see him again you'll realise you're chasing the memory of what you had as opposed to what you actually had. Equally if he doesn't even meet you, you obviously need to move on. Pronto.

And BTW, I think it's **** what you're doing with your current partner. If you're thinking about someone else, he's like a booby prize. Poor guy.

shellyboo

Yeah, definitely you need to remove him from your life properly. De-friend him, throw out the letters, delete the emails, all of them. First step to getting him out of your head is getting him out of your reality, if that makes sense.

You will forget about him, slowly. But if your hangup on your ex is affecting your relationship with your current bf, you need to let him go.

I think what you're mainly feeling is guilt about cheating on him, and a certain amount of "what if" regret. You're never going to know how it would have worked out if you hadn't cheated, and I think that's easting away at you - I know it would with me. You have to put it in the past, forget about it, it's done... and move forward instead of looking back.

seahorse

You're not emotionally free to pursue another relationship in my opinion (I hope that doesn’t sound harsh) I don’t think you ever got used to being alone before you jumped into this new relationship.

You're obviously still in love with the ex. If I were in your shoes I hope I'd have the sense to finish my current relationship and see if things could be revived with the ex. Just be aware though that it's entirely possible your ex is in a new relationship himself by this stage.

You say you really want this new relationship to work, but are you sure you're not just clinging on to it rather than face being alone? Whatever the situation with your ex turns out to be, I don’t think you need to be with this current man. If he's not enough to take your mind off your ex then what's the point, for you or him?

LegacyUser

Break up with your new boyfriend now cause it's unfair to him and then why don't you try seeing if your old boyfriend would be up for trying to get back together, I was with my girlfriend for 2 years and we broke up on very bad terms, she started seeing someone the week arfter and i slept with a friend of hers,we had a fight afterwards and said some horrible things to each other, we didnt speak for 7 months till one day i met her in town and we went for coffee, i knew all along that i had really messed things up too and she knew too, i missed her an awful amount and we recently got back together and are happier than ever, don't keep wishing on what could be, you should try telling him how you feel, he probably feels the same, the past is the past

Taltos

Hi Op.

I do not think you are really in love with your ex. Something to be aware of is memory always makes the past look better - coupled with that your regret/disgust at yourself and you see where I am going... A great guy now seems a god and no-one no-one at all can ever match up to him.

I think you need to give yourself a break here - otherwise forget in 2 yrs - in 20 yrs you will still be stuck in these emotions.

Would like you to consider the following.
1. Breavement counselling - you have gone thru a loss here - you need to learn how to accept it and how to forgive yourself.
2. Take him off the pedestal - if he really really was all the great then you would not have cheated on him... Remember that - ea time you think of him - bring up one of the following - a memory where you disliked him - or better yet - an image of your current BF.
3. Give your BF a break - he is not your ex - so stop comparing him. Actually my first instinct was for you to cut him loose as he deserves to be with someone who loves him. But then I thought - maybe you do - but your unresolved feelings are getting in the way - so back to the counselling.
4. Spring-Clean - dump everything. Cancel your facebook - EVERYTHING - you need to get rid of it all - including the ticket from your first cinema date....

Seriously though - 2 yrs later - you really need to give yourself a break here and learn how to deal with this - before this takes charge and ruins another relationship - then you risk getting stuck in this cycle.

Remember - if he was that great you would not have cheated.

FYI - cheating is a dealbreaker for me. There is never any going back to that. I might forgive but will never forget and will never go back to a relationship like that. So learn to move on and forgive yourself.

LegacyUser

I don't think you need to do anything as drastic as breaking up with your current bf over this.

Lets try to look at this practically instead. It seems like you have accused yourself soley for the break up. This isn't realistic. Ok, you cheated. But many many relationships survive cheating. It takes two people to break up a relationship.

Why are you clinging onto the past? Was the past even that good at the time? I bet that as well as the good times you also had lots of doubts and issues back then too.

Morbid nostalgia can be a sign of depression. TBH I think if you were exposed to the flesh and blood reality of your ex there's a good chance you wouldn't feel this way, though I wouldn't recommend meeting him to find out, simply because if he said the wrong thing you could be very hurt.

Perhaps just remind yourself that the break up was his fault too. And then concentrate on new bf. Are you in love with him? Can you be in love with him?

Your feelings for your ex will change. You're not going to feel this way forever.

LegacyUser

Hi, this is the OP. Just wanted first of all to say thanks to you all for replying, it feels really good to share this (it's something I won't even tell my friends about, cos I feel guilty about being a b*tch to my current boyfriend by feeling this way, and cos I'm ashamed...)

There'll be no getting back with my ex boyfriend, he's made it very clear he doesn't ever want to see me again. So I need to take the advice of everyone who's telling me to get rid of the memories.

The truth is I think Taltos and the last poster are right, I am only clinging on to the good memories of my ex, while I'm forgetting about all the stuff that was wrong. And there was PLENTY wrong at the end, and not just caused by me. But yeah, I suppose I am still in love with the good memories (even though by the end of that relationship it had gone so bad in reality that I didn't even think I loved him at all)

But I really, really don't want to lose my current boyfriend. I do love him, and I want to give our relationship a decent shot - I'm not yet certain that it's a relationship for life, but I want to give it a good try, cos he's a great bloke in so many ways. Just he's different to my ex (in good ways and bad). Seahorse says I probably never got used to being alone before I jumped into this new relationship - yeah, you're maybe right. I did think at the time that maybe it was coming to soon, I was worried it was a rebound. But I'd been feeling so bloody awful for the previous 5 months, starting dating him was the first nice thing that had happened to me in so long, and he really helped pick me up and put me back on my feet. I don't want to blow another relationship due to my own selfishness, I really, really want to get rid of the feeligns for the ex and throw myself into this wholeheartedly.

God, I sound such a mess. The recommendation of counselling is something I'd love to pursue but isn't an option for me now (cos of where I live) - in a small way, this is kinda like counselling for me, so thank you. Thanks for your honest comments and criticisms, all justified - you've judged me less harshly than I judge myself.

I'm gonna start the advice right now about deleting everything, though as I type this I can feel my heart pounding with some sort of fear, like it will be awful to do this. But I know you're right, I have to. It's just gonna be hard.

Can I ask, what do you do about things like photos from trips you went on with the ex? I don't mean photos of him, they're all gone (from the wall, still stored in my computer/facebook... eeek...) but we did loads of traveling together to some wonderful places and I have great photos, though I suppose in a way when I look at them I think of my ex too... God it feels like cutting off part of a limb, or something, getting rid of the memories of such a significant part of my life...

Ok, I'm starting to ramble now. Just to say thanks again. Any more words of advice would be very gratefully appreciated.

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

Can I ask, what do you do about things like photos from trips you went on with the ex? I don't mean photos of him, they're all gone (from the wall, still stored in my computer/facebook... eeek...) but we did loads of traveling together to some wonderful places and I have great photos, though I suppose in a way when I look at them I think of my ex too... God it feels like cutting off part of a limb, or something, getting rid of the memories of such a significant part of my life...

One of the hardest things I ever did was to destroy all the letters I had received from an ex...
Really tough but so glad I did it.
Photos - that is tough to judge - you want to remember the place - but if you are risking remember who you were with then I think you have your answer.
Look at it this way - it is time to make some great new memories with your current bf...

Best of luck and I know you can get past this and enjoy being with your BF without the ghosts of bf's past coming up to haunt you.
Remember to work on the exercises to distract you when those thoughts pop in your head - our brains are wired to like patterns - even if those patterns cause us pain....

midlandsmissus

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi. It's almost 2 years since my ex broke up with me. The break-up was 100% entirely my fault and I felt (feel) absolutely awful about it - we'd been having a difficult patch for a while, and I cheated on him. I know my behaviour was completely inexcusable and I hate myself for it desperately. We'd been together about 3 years, living together, he moved out immediately but we communicated by email for a little bit. Then after about 2 months he cut off all contact with me, telling me he was moving on with his life and I should too.

I tried to accept this, and I've tried to move on. My life seems like it's going pretty ok, I started seeing another guy about 5 months after the break-up with my ex and he's a super guy, we're still together now. I do love this guy, but I recognise at the same time that it's not quite as deep a love as I felt for my ex. I don't think I'll ever find love as deep as with him, I guess he was "the one" and I f***ing blew it in my stupidity and selfishness. I seem to think about this a lot, much more so than I should do almost 2 years later, when I'm in another relationship which is going great. I want to move on and get over my ex, but I just don't seem to be able to do it.

Days like today come along, I was doing some tidying in my flat and found a letter my ex had written me, and suddenly I'm in floods of tears and pouring over the internet, re-reading old emails from him, facebook-stalking him, etc. I realise this is completely unfair to my current boyfriend, who I love and really want to make our relationship work. I don't want my ex to always be in the back of my mind. But I don't know how to make it go away.

I try to focus on all the great things about my current boyfriend, but a little voice in my head keeps reminding me that it's just not quite as good as it was with my ex (before it all went wrong).

I know there'll be people out there who'll think I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life cos I cheated, and that I should let my current boyfriend find someone who doesn't have all this selfish baggage with her. But I feel so bad about everything that went wrong with my ex, I regret it so much and know that I was completely wrong. But I can't shake the feeling that he was "the one" and I've lost him forever.

I dunno what I'm asking really. I guess I'm wondering if I can ever move on? Or if I just need to get used to having this feeling at the back of my head. I want to give myself emotionally 100% to my boyfriend, but I don't know if I can. I know i've been a horrible selfish person, and I'm still being now. But I don't know what I can do to make it better.

Hi! Oh my god reading that post was like reading about my life. I went through the EXACT same thing as you did.

I was in a relationship where I really loved the person and he loved me, and I did something stupid, and he then broke up with me. I didn't cheat, but I did something very stupid which I've constantly regretted since.

I know how torturous it is to make a mistake in a relationship where you have to live with the fact that you've inflicted all this pain on yourself. Look at Britney Spears for example, she was suicidal after cheating on Justin timberlake, because she knew she had messed it up for herself with some-one she loved.

It is so much harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive some-one else, and I beat myself up for years with the what ifs. It can drive you crazy.

It seriously took me two and a half years to get over it,and now though I still think about him, time has healed and I don't get upset about it anymore. I met a new man and I forgave myself by thinking I was going through alot of family problems at the time, which made me very upset and led me to do what I did.

We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up about it. Time has healed for me and I don't think about him that much anymore.

I just want to say that I've been through exactly what you've been through, so I'm saying forgive yourself, nobody's pefect. You sound like you have a lovely man now so look to the future!

LegacyUser

Yeah I think a large part of your issue is self-blame.

Whatever you did you were probably never as bad as you thought you were. Your low self-esteem meant you put the ex on a pedastal, and because you can't (and shouldn't) have contact with him its hard to see him for what her really is (just an ordinary bloke?).

You are also still punishing yourself with his angry words which you have stored in your memory and replay to yourself to support your low self-esteem.

So, perhaps a few sessions with a consellor might get you back on track.

Also, two years is a long time, but its still just two years, and now you are taking steps to recover. Don't ditch the bf, you may well look at him some day soon and realise how fabulous he really is.