Feeling a Little Lost

LegacyUser

Ok - this is going to be a big long rant so I apologise to everyone for reading this. So here we go. Ok. Having typed this, I now realise it's a very very long rant, so be prepared. There's a synopsis at the end, if you are too lazy to read.

Lately I am feeling really lost. By that, I mean that some things seem to be going wrong and this has left in a position where I just don't know if I can be bothered - not necessarily feeling suicidal, more just wondering why I bother getting out of bed, why I bother going to work, why I bother to smile ...

I live in this house. It used to be brilliant. I lived with people I did get along with, and then they moved out. Then my landlord (completely without us knowing, I must add) moves in this .. guy. He is a complete and utter weirdo - one of those guys that doesn't leave the house; he doesn't have a job, I've often seen him sitting in the dark by himself in either the sittingroom or the kitchen. I don't feel comfortable in this house. He makes me feel weird - a sort of Norman Bates character. Before people call me judgmental, try living with this guy for a short while and you'll understand.

Yes, I know there are going to be people who just say, "Why don't you just move out?". But therein lies the problem! I'm intending on living with my college friends but they wont be around until late August or early September. We plan on getting a house for ourselves, and to do that we will all need to be there. So I will not be able to move until then. I just don't know if I can cope ... I am stuck in my room because I can't be in the same room as this guy. And he's always always either in the sitting room or kitchen.

My girlfriend broke up with me recently. I understood her reasons and I can't blame her, nor do I feel mad at her. Heartbroken, yes. But not mad. I honestly thought there was something real there and that it was going somewhere but alas this wasn't the case.

Since it happened.. it hasn't felt .. real. Or like it wasn't happening to me. I can't fully explain. It was all just such a shock and so sudden; some friends I told were just taken aback by it. But, like I said, I understand her reasons and she is entitled to them, as much as it pains me. Yet the thing is that if she would take me back, then I would jump at the chance!

She was the closest thing to perfect that I would ever get and I messed it up. No, that's wrong. She still is perfect. She's just not mine anymore.

I'm also stuck in a job I somewhat dislike. It's a good job, don't get me wrong, but I've been there for too long and am just feeling like it's going nowhere. However, the recession has somewhat messed everything up and I am stuck there. I know I should be happy to have a job, but I would be even happier to have a newer job. Even if it paid less, at least it would be something .. different. A change.

That's what I need- a change. But the problem with a change is that a) they cost money (which is the problem, I can't just quit my job like I would love to, because I'd be screwed), b) other problems get in the way (college, family, friends, my own fears) c) can't come soon enough.

I don't know many people. Unfortunately. It really sucks for me to say that as I would consider myself to be sociable, but I really.. don't. All my friends are either from work or college. And because I dislike work sometimes, I don't want to see my work friends because it reminds me of.. well.. work. With some of them it's all we talk about. And it's just irritating. Also; it being the summer, all of my college friends have gone home.

Which leads back to the problem of my house. Because most people I know are either working or gone to their family homes, I don't really have anywhere to go. And being stuck in my room just makes me really down and depressed and isolated feeling and like everything just sucks. When in fact I know that it doesn't. It leads to an intolerable boredom. This boredom then leads to thoughts I shouldn't be having; paranoid ones. Stupid ones. Silly ones. And then I take these out on others.

There are honestly times where I think it would be so great just to... leave it all behind. Pack up my bags, hop on a bus and ditch everything. Friends, family, ex (I cannot get used to calling her that- it just sounds.. strange), job, college, house. Everything and anything. And starting over. A new person. A new place. Probably will have same old problems but at least they'd be -- newer! If that makes sense to anybody? I don't know. I suspect most people will have gotten bored by now.

To summarise for those who are too lazy to read; hate job, hate house, severely dislike new housemate, lost love of my life, feeling isolated.

Thanks for reading and sorry for such a long rant.

gwjones42

Sounds pretty bad,

Why not hop on the bus and go?? ....for a while at least. It might take a bit of manouvering with work and cash, but if you, say went off to somewhere you would ordinarily like and gave yourself two or three days of being removed from a lot, (though probably not all) of your current problems, you just might be able to tackle them from a more positive viewpoint on your return.

Suggestions: Camping/ Hiking/ Football/ Rugby match/ museum abroad........whatever floats your boat

LegacyUser

It feels pretty bad too.

I don't know. I think I'm just too.. reliable and I can't just up and off like that, as much as I would absolutely love to. Plus I've already taken off too much time from work due to holidays and other events and I cannot afford to take any more.

When things were really bad and I felt like I was on rock bottom, my girlfriend was a glimmer of hope; that no matter how bad things got, at least I would always have her. And then - well, that ended. Now it's starting to feel like that cloud is just grey and doesn't have a silver lining, or that at the end of the tunnel is just - well - more tunnel. It feels like my life here is over but my situation is keeping me here.

It's so draining and demoralising and I don't know how much longer I can keep sane with everything going on

Chord

A Little Lost wrote: »

I live in this house. It used to be brilliant. I lived with people I did get along with, and then they moved out. Then my landlord (completely without us knowing, I must add) moves in this .. guy. He is a complete and utter weirdo - one of those guys that doesn't leave the house; he doesn't have a job, I've often seen him sitting in the dark by himself in either the sittingroom or the kitchen. I don't feel comfortable in this house. He makes me feel weird - a sort of Norman Bates character. Before people call me judgmental, try living with this guy for a short while and you'll understand.

Very judgemental. He is his own person, and always remember that. We're all different in our own way, and that's just the way we are. Maybe he likes being alone. You shouldn't have a problem with that and it shouldn't effect you in anyway. I wouldn't class him as being a weirdo, and I think you're being very harsh on the guy. Get to know him first, as the saying goes "Never judge a book by it's cover". Don't worry about his problems worry about your own first.

LegacyUser

Chord wrote: »

Very judgemental. He is his own person, and always remember that. We're all different in our own way, and that's just the way we are. Maybe he likes being alone. You shouldn't have a problem with that and it shouldn't effect you in anyway. I wouldn't class him as being a weirdo, and I think you're being very harsh on the guy. Get to know him first, as the saying goes "Never judge a book by it's cover". Don't worry about his problems worry about your own first.

He never looks at you when he is talking to you. He stares at a wall. He never finishes a sentence, only trails off into incoherent mumbling, making it impossible to get to know him whatsoever.

But this is not a debate about whether or not he is weird, it is me saying I do not feel comfortable around him.

Faith

To deal with your house issue, I'd speak to your landlord. If you've been living there for a while, and are a good tenant, he'll probably be receptive to you. Explain that this guy makes you feel very uncomfortable and nervous, and that you're very unhappy living with him. Explain you're not in a position to move out in the next month or two, and ask him if there's anything he can do.

It's not clear from your post: Are you in college? Is your job just a summer one? If so, the best thing to do is just stick it out. It's only for another couple of months. If not, then start looking for other jobs. There's not much, but there are jobs out there. Even looking will help you feel more positive.

Can you go back to your family home for a while? Can you take holidays from work and just go away for a bit to clear your head?

As for your ex-girlfriend, all I can say is sorry, and I hope you'll feel better about it in time.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

To deal with your house issue, I'd speak to your landlord. If you've been living there for a while, and are a good tenant, he'll probably be receptive to you. Explain that this guy makes you feel very uncomfortable and nervous, and that you're very unhappy living with him. Explain you're not in a position to move out in the next month or two, and ask him if there's anything he can do.

It's not clear from your post: Are you in college? Is your job just a summer one? If so, the best thing to do is just stick it out. It's only for another couple of months. If not, then start looking for other jobs. There's not much, but there are jobs out there. Even looking will help you feel more positive.

Can you go back to your family home for a while? Can you take holidays from work and just go away for a bit to clear your head?

As for your ex-girlfriend, all I can say is sorry, and I hope you'll feel better about it in time.

Apologies to mods, there will be about three posts in a row from me.

I am in college right now. It is my final year, which means I just cannot quit. The job I currently have is the one I have had for the past 4 years. The problem with looking is that it can lead you feeling somewhat negative too, as there are a lot of "no's" and "maybe at christmas" or "just go away" (ok, the latter is not necessarily true, but you get the point)

The ex-girlfriend is the part that is getting me the most I think. I really thought she would be who I spend the rest of my life with. When we were together things were perfect. And then she decided .. I don't know. That it wasn't for her. I can't blame her for that. Everybody wants different things in life.

I do not have any contact with the landlord. All bills, rent, etc. is given to their son, who sometimes lives in a flat at the back of our house. However, he is totally .. not bothered by everything. He is lazy and doesn't really give a sod about the people in the house. So is the impression he has given us anyways.

katiemaloe

I can understand how you feel and that its pretty head wrecking. Whilst Im happy with most things at the moment, I have felt like that.

I think you should look at the positive things.... I know work is irritating you but you can use the wages from the boring job to do fun things. Maybe a weekend away to somewhere like Barcelona or London or something might stir things up for you. Ive travelled on my own a few times and whilst sometimes you feel very alone, its really cool to be in a different environment and see new things.

And that weird guy in the house.... have you spoken to your landlord about him? maybe he could find another tenant. If not then, just see the challenge as making yourself as busy as possible between now and when you and your college mates are moving in together. Go to the cinema, gallery (quite a cool place to chill actually!), library (Im a big fan and love bringin a pile of new books home, travel books are good!), go over to a friends house, even if its a work mate and just bring beer and pizza and have a laugh for the evening.... go for a walk, go out taking photos.... literally do anything, whether its on your own or with someone else. It will cheer you up a bit and get you away from the psycho bunny you're living with.

Chin up .... I know its a bit poxy at the moment and you're obviously missing your girlfriend. Just remember that life is full of good bits and bad bits and this is just one of the bad bits. Things will pick up, and you sound like a very sweet and smart guy so good things will come your way. Sending you a cyber hug!.... if you're stuck for something to do, go out and see Bruno... that will kill a few hours and you'll be pissing yourself laughing! Just keep as busy as you can, thats always helped me when everything starts going pear shaped. Hope you feel happier soon.

jmbkay

Can you go home for a few weeks? If I were you, and I'm not, I would call one of my family and tell them what you have told us, and arrange to be picked up out of there for a while. You need a total change because everything is getting you down, and some action is needed before you get really depressed and ill. I know you have a job, but surely you would be entitled to holidays. Take them. Give yourself a break, you need it. I don't know if your landlord if a weirdo, but he is freaking you out at the moment. You need to change your focus for a while. You seem to be going through a period of unsettlement. You have good plans, a different house, reunion with your friends, back to college. This is just a rut. Let us know how you get on.

Chord

A Little Lost wrote: »

He never looks at you when he is talking to you. He stares at a wall. He never finishes a sentence, only trails off into incoherent mumbling, making it impossible to get to know him whatsoever.

But this is not a debate about whether or not he is weird, it is me saying I do not feel comfortable around him.

Maybe he's shy and nervous? It's not that you feel uncomfortable around him, I think you personally don't like the guy to be honest. The landlord can do nothing about that, and from what I can see he has just as much right to be living there as anyone else.

LegacyUser

Chord wrote: »

Maybe he's shy and nervous? It's not that you feel uncomfortable around him, I think you personally don't like the guy to be honest. The landlord can do nothing about that, and from what I can see he has just as much right to be living there as anyone else.

No, it's not a case that I just don't like him. It's a case that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know anything about the guy to know if I like him or not, but like I said this is not a debate on that. So, please, just drop it.

Chord

A Little Lost wrote: »

No, it's not a case that I just don't like him. It's a case that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know anything about the guy to know if I like him or not, but like I said this is not a debate on that. So, please, just drop it.

You don't know anything about the guy? :eek: Maybe you should do that first before being so critical and judgemental. You're making yourself uncomfortable by acting like a paranoid git.

Nevyn

Chord I suggest you go read the rules for posting in this forum which you will find here and that you aquant your self with the type of conduct expected on the site as a whole which you will find here.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

JonathanAnon

I've read through your postings and I would think two things.

1) Try to get along with your house mate. Just because he is strange doesnt mean that he is a nice guy.

2) You are in final year. Your degree will be with you for your life. I wanted a 2-1 and ended up getting a 2-2 honours degree. I have a friend who failed final year because of a girl, having put in years of work, and came out with a pass degree having wasted another year repeating. Put your head into work at this stage, the rest is all peripheral.

LegacyUser

Try to put things into perspective in relation to the house issue. You say you're getting a house with your friends in late August so that's only 4 - 5 weeks away. However bad your current house share is, it's not long term so you can get through it no matter how bad living with this other person seems. Once you're sharing with your friends (in a very short time) your other issues wont seem as bad either.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

It sounds more like you're just demotivated and have itchy feet.

With your housemate, I've been in that situation before... it was a mixed house and when the guy moved in he was a good laugh, chatty and generally a good housemate. Then he became more and more withdrawn and bascially a ghost in the house. Would never talk to anyone just sat in his room all day... it was uncomfortable and looking back I figure he was just depressed at the time. The guy you're living with coould just be depressed, using drugs/alcohol or just very unhappy. Try and approach him, check if everythings ok. He could be on prescribed anti depressants which can really change people too.

With your job, are there any opportunities to maybe move into a different role or take on a new challenge in your current role?
Maybe the job just doesn't fulfill you anymore and maybe you need a change of job - when you finish college, will you still have this job available to you? It could be the case that the job just no longer serves its purpose.

Ex-girlfriend... it all comes as a shock especially if things were going well, but don't focus on that too much... I can't say that it'll be easy but you'll feel better in time.

Getting out of the house.... I would recommend it! Do something that you would never have done before, like take a day trip somewhere, get out a camera even, see how you go. Don't worry a bout going alone - there's plenty of tourists around who are often interested in meeting people and maybe someone who wouldn't mind someone to talk to too. Maybe try something new, learn a new language or something?

But focus on the good things that will be coming to you - moving in with your friends and starting another year of college. It's not that far away and househunting will keep you busy! You'll have a more relaxed house with people you know and get on with, you'll have your college course to focus on and an opportunity to make new friends and have a new way of life.

Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone gets this way at some point!

btw, Smile because it will make you feel better!

LegacyUser

Sunday was a hard day. It was an 11 hour shift in work with only 4 hours sleep the previous night - I couldn't turn my mind off and I just kept thinking about everything.

The combination of lack of sleep and all my other problems meant that I found it hard to talk and hard to smile. My co-workers started noticing something was wrong, I think. A few kept asking if I was cranky; I said that I wasn't and that I was just tired. Don't think some of them bought it. Some know that myself and my girlfriend broke up.

Didn't go around telling them - I tried to avoid it at all costs, but some asked me how my relationship was going. Couldn't lie to them, no, didn't want to lie. Didn't want to pretend we were still together when.. we're not.

Usually I'm good at keeping things hidden. But on Sunday I couldn't. Eventually got home and collapsed into my bed and cried into my pillow until I fell asleep. I'm at my family home now as was given a few days off work (didn't ask, think it was because I did so many double shifts) but have to go back on Thursday.

I just know people are going to question me. I'll have to lie and tell them everything was fine and that I was just cranky - I don't want them to know the truth. I'm going through a rough patch - I'm afraid people will start treating me like I'm ill .. it's stupid but it's the way I'm feeling right now.

Seoige

Hi, I've just been reading through your posts...well done for deciding to head home for a few days, I think it could be good for you to have a change of scenery. How do you get on with your family? Is there someone you could chat to about how crappy things have been for you lately?

I was in a very similar situation a number of years ago. I decided to bite the bullet and made an appointment to see one of the counsellors in college (they're free!). At the time I wasn't sure if I should go because I had it in my head that only people with 'real' or 'big' problems go to talk to someone but looking back on it my situation was very real and very big for me. I'm so glad I went. I just ended up going a few times but it was great to talk to someone who doesn't know you and who can offer you some advice or just a chance to reflect on things and get your head straight.

Also, I'm not sure how long you and your girlfriend were going out or how long is it since you broke up but it's really normal to feel down about losing something which was so important to you so give yourself a break and space to grieve what you lost (hope that doesn't sound too airy fairy but it's true!)

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're in a tough place right now so mind yourself...:)

LegacyUser

We weren't going out for that long, only 5 months but it was long enough to think there was something real there. She told me she did too - and then she realised it wasn't for her and there's nothing I can do to change that. We've been broken up maybe 3 weeks now? I don't know, everythings just been a blur to me.

I just keep thinking that I will eventually meet someone else but ... they won't be her. She is smart, beautiful, funny, witty, caring and she used to be mine. I wish I knew what made her fall for me so I could do it again.

Once I get back to college I am going to pay a visit to a counsellor in the college. That's pretty much the way I am feeling too, Seioge, that they're just for people with real problems or who are sick.

Maybe I just can't bring myself to admit that there is something wrong with me and that I need help.

Katarn1

As Seoige said college counsellors can be a great help. Also im not sure where you work, but some companies and the civil service provide a form of employee assistance like this.

It definitely seems that speaking to someone about the relationship breakdown and other issues could help, and at least posting on boards shows your willing to communicate. Saying it to an impartial, trained professional could help as their view could give you a insight you cant gain due to your closeness and the large effect its happening.

And, in general, sorry, your situation sounds like its a rough place at the moment. It does sound like things will turn around for you in the upcoming months, so its only a matter of time.

murnettie

A good idea might be to join a gym or something, with the recession now a good few of them have lowered their prices or at least have special offers, see if any of them do a three month deal (will take you up to the time when you move with your friends). At least its something that you can do any evening as opposed to courses etc and it can get out of the house in the evenings, it will tire you out so at least chances are you will sleep well and aswell as that the exercise releases the happy hormone which might help with your general mood aswell. And if nothing else it can be a good place to meet people, ya never know, it might just help pass the next few months until you get yourself sorted. Or maybe take up jogging or walking, anything so that your not just sitting in thinking.

LegacyUser

I think that's why things got so bad because there was nobody to talk to - I sometimes have a hard time opening up about problems, and there isn't anyone I'm close enough to. Well, there was my girlfriend but I think I burdened her too much with them, to the extent that she just decided it wasn't for her. I'm still not 100% sure why we broke up - think I wanted the relationship more than she did, who knows?

Everything just seems to be bombarding me from all angles and there quite literally is no escaping from it!

Myself and my ex (I really feel odd calling her that) are still talking quite regularly. I don't want to cut all contact off with her because when all is said and done, she is still a really nice person and a good friend. I would absolutely love if something more were to happen between us again, but is that a possibility? Probably not.

Katarn1

A Little Lost wrote: »

I think that's why things got so bad because there was nobody to talk to - I sometimes have a hard time opening up about problems, and there isn't anyone I'm close enough to. Well, there was my girlfriend but I think I burdened her too much with them, to the extent that she just decided it wasn't for her. I'm still not 100% sure why we broke up - think I wanted the relationship more than she did, who knows?

Everything just seems to be bombarding me from all angles and there quite literally is no escaping from it!

Myself and my ex (I really feel odd calling her that) are still talking quite regularly. I don't want to cut all contact off with her because when all is said and done, she is still a really nice person and a good friend. I would absolutely love if something more were to happen between us again, but is that a possibility? Probably not.

How is your network of friends? Have you tried getting the opinions of those closer who might know the girl well and be able to give an insight?

Its not always the same after you get back together. I did a similar thing once and I spent the rest of the relationship expecting it to end at any moment. If she has said that its absolute, imho, you'll only dig yourself into deeper misery by trying to get her back.

But bear in mind, its not that long since it ended, very early days. As you were mad about her theres no chance you could be over her now. You need to wait it out.

And it will seem like you're being bombarded, you actually are. Your support, ie your girlfriend, is gone so youre left defenceless for a while. Again, just try to wait it out. This feeling will pass.

LegacyUser

jmbkay here. Can't log in as my password is on my mobile which I don't have at the moment. There is a possibility you will get back with your girlfriend, but don't bank on it. You have friends here to talk to anytime you like. You seem to be depressed right now, and if you're feeling really bad, would you consider talking to a doctor? I don't mean to patronize you, but sometimes bad times need help to get through.

LegacyUser

If I'm honest, she never really met my friends. Not my choice, she never made an effort to - by that I mean she never actually wanted to; she would meet them on the street if she was with me but that's about it. I, however, met all her friends and made an effort because I thought that was the done thing in a relationship.

Maybe I'm wrong?

Nobody I know would really be able to give me an opinion on her because nobody really knew her.

Perhaps I am feeling a little depressed - but I'm quite awkward and like trying to solve my own problems by myself. I have a feeling that come September things will be a bit better; I'll be in a new house with people I enjoy being around, college will be keeping my mind occupied and most importantly, I'll be back to part-time in work (unless I find something else). It's just been a tough month - what with everything seemingly being bombarded on me at once, and I fear I have worried a lot of people.

I worried myself, to be honest.

Katarn1 - when you said any friends closer, did you mean my friends or her friends? I sent her friend a message telling her we broke up and thanking her for her kindness to me while I was in relationship.

Have decided that on my days off from work I am going to take up exercising again - shall be going swimming as much as possible. I used to be very fit as a kid/teenager and would like to try and get some of that back. Plus I need to start cooking again, because I haven't been eating properly for a month or so.

LegacyUser

I feel for ya man, im in like exactly the same position, well with out the house mate bit.
even the relationship bit is the same. im at a loss to why it all ended on my side too. My ex told me she love d me and all this and then like a month later ended it. No idea why. we had survived a long distance relationship for ten weeks and i finally came back, two days later she decided that it was over. no one saw it coming, not even her sis or best friend whom i was very close to. it ****ing sucks. i always used to block people out and keep them at a distance, she knew this and i let my guard down and left her into my life.

it sucks bud, and i have been holding on to hope that she will see that shes making a mistake and come back, but its been just over a month now, i have tried to text her and be "friends" cause she was such a cool girl but all i got was dry responses, havent heard from her now in two weeks, even though she was the one wanting to stay friends. Blah, # sorry bout the rant.
but yeah i know how you feel and its terrible, everything seems bleak and that who gives a ****, whats the point.
i have found that just going out even with just one mate even can help take your mind off things, and all you can do is think ahead to the college year.

like in my case i decided i would wait for her but now looking at things if i did that then id be living for a possible false hope and not for myself.
think about it this way bud, and this helps me alot.
we managed to survive, be happy and just be content before we met these people. they came into our lives and made us better people, gave us brilliant memories, so we should be able to go back to the person we were before it all began!

and also positive thinking, i have found that with it things for some reason seem to run more smoothly!

hope it all works out and that things begin to run a little more smoothly and brighten up for you

LegacyUser

OP, you are right, things will get better in September. This is all just a setback. One of the guys said it already, you have friends here.

zendo

Hey Little Lost,

I only read your 'long rant' and didn't read all the answers yet as I'm actually hoping to go to bed, but I just want to say - I'm in pretty much the same situation as you, except I'm not in college anymore so there is no hope for something to change in September and I'm a girl - my boyfriend also suddenly broke up with me but I don't understand why. So, just like you, I hate or dislike every aspect of my life and I really don't know what to do with this whole thing anymore. Coming back to the disliked home from the disliked job to see an empty bedroom... Doesn't seem worth it at all.:(

Katarn1

A Little Lost wrote: »

Katarn1 - when you said any friends closer, did you mean my friends or her friends? I sent her friend a message telling her we broke up and thanking her for her kindness to me while I was in relationship.

Sorry about the delay there, can only get on boards when in work.

I was wondering if you had a shared circle of friends, this could possibly have helped gain some insight into why she didn't let the relationship continue, but you answered that in a previous post.

I also re-read my own post and when I mentioned "talking to friends" it might have come across dismissive. I wouldn't want you thinking I was just saying talk to your friends elsewhere, as others have pointed out, you obviously have friends here too.

As you said, at least you have September to look forward to - it will be a terrific change of scenery and you will be in a completely different place mentally.

I'd definitely take up the exercise that you mention. One of the things Id always do when feeling down is head for a run, helps me tremendously - not an expert but afaik its a body chemistry thing.

Again, Id definitely advise speaking to a counsellor, you mention you like to solve your problems by yourself - if you speak to a counsellor, you are solving the problem by yourself. They are just facilitating you in reaching a viewpoint. Its actually impressive how much it helps. You could even just consider it a speeding up of your own process - you know you'll be better soon, speaking to someone will simply make it happen sooner.

LegacyUser

Katarn1 wrote: »

Sorry about the delay there, can only get on boards when in work.

I was wondering if you had a shared circle of friends, this could possibly have helped gain some insight into why she didn't let the relationship continue, but you answered that in a previous post.

Ah OK. Last night I actually sent her friend an email just asking if my ex gave any hints/vibes that she might want to be with me again. I also asked her friend not to tell my ex I sent her that message, because I'm worried I'm overstepping my boundaries.

She hasn't replied yet, but I'm figuring she just hasn't gotten it yet.

Katarn1

A Little Lost wrote: »

Ah OK. Last night I actually sent her friend an email just asking if my ex gave any hints/vibes that she might want to be with me again. I also asked her friend not to tell my ex I sent her that message, because I'm worried I'm overstepping my boundaries.

She hasn't replied yet, but I'm figuring she just hasn't gotten it yet.

Even if the response was negative it might at least give you some closure. Its always better to know.

If you were good buddies with her friends they might not mind saying it to you, but they might be reluctant to say it without her knowing. Its a tricky situation.

And I read in your previous post you had met all her friends etc cause you thought thats what a person does in a relationship - it is. Thats the normal course of events. Obviously there are exceptions, every case is individual. But if I was seeing someone and they showed total reluctance to meet any of my friends after a reasonable period of time, and in the absence of a good reason, Id have serious doubts about their interest in me.

It seems you did everything right by her man. Its crappy that it didnt work out for you.

Fingers crossed you hear something back that gives you an indication.

In the meantime, are you still in the house with that dark room silent guy?

LegacyUser

Katarn1 wrote: »

Even if the response was negative it might at least give you some closure. Its always better to know.

If you were good buddies with her friends they might not mind saying it to you, but they might be reluctant to say it without her knowing. Its a tricky situation.

And I read in your previous post you had met all her friends etc cause you thought thats what a person does in a relationship - it is. Thats the normal course of events. Obviously there are exceptions, every case is individual. But if I was seeing someone and they showed total reluctance to meet any of my friends after a reasonable period of time, and in the absence of a good reason, Id have serious doubts about their interest in me.

It seems you did everything right by her man. Its crappy that it didnt work out for you.

Fingers crossed you hear something back that gives you an indication.

In the meantime, are you still in the house with that dark room silent guy?

Well we weren't good buddies, to say, but we did get on any time I met them. I also sent her a message previously telling her that we had broken up and thanking her for her kindness while I was in the relationship. I'm not exactly expecting her to reply, so if she doesn't it's fine.

Yeah, I'm still in that house. But only for another 2 and a bit weeks, because my college friends are thinking of moving in around that time.

ladygirl

ok you can do something about your house, i work in student accommodation both complex and houses/apartments, and you could easily take a house/apartment now and pay per week/month, then in sept your friends could move in,,,

with your job - you will be going back to college shortly so tbh this is not a long term problem just put your head down and get on with it or quit and move home for a few weeks to save yourself on expenses.

Go on hols, visit a friend for a few days, go home and see your parents anything you can do to keep your mind occupied,,,

The one thing i cannot give you advice on is your gf, time is your only healer there,, it will get easier though

LegacyUser

hi OP
i havnt posted in ages and have forgotten my user name but your post stood out at me nd i felt i should post

I am in quite a similar situation, have college friends but they all have friends from home who they like to spend time with so even in college i feel quite isolated at times. job,house and pretty much everything sucks rite now.

All i can say to you is that these feelings do pass, not long from now you'll realise that although you still think about your ex every day it dosnt hurt quite as much. pain fades over time.

i dont know if this is the case for many pple but i go through periods like right now when every thing just seems hopeless, but after a while i feel fine again and realise im rli enjoying life.

Have you tried maybe giving an old childhood friend a text to see how life is treating them? even if u were not particularly close as kids you would be surprised how delighted pple would be to hear from you. even meeting someone like this for a drink may put ur problems to the back of your mind for a short time and make you feel better?

Lastly, remember you always have friends on this site and i think everyone will agree you seem like a lovely guy....im sure u'll be bombarded by nice girls who'll treat you well before u no it!!

LegacyUser

Everyone always says that I am a nice guy, but perhaps this is my problem. Is it possible to be too nice? I would always try and treat my ex as much as possible; buying her flowers, taking her out to dinner, surprising her with a bunch of roses - but I just don't know what went wrong.

She said that she needed her space, that she didn't want the relationship more than I did - this is after everything was going so so well. But obviously not as well as I had thought

The friend didn't reply. I guess I sorta wasn't expecting her to, so that is fine. I know I was putting her on the spot and it wasn't fully fair to her.

As for the house- I told my landlord that I was moving out when I paid last month's rent so I shall have to try and find something within the next 2/3 weeks. I'm just hoping I can cope that long.

I don't know what I will do about work. It probably wont seem as bad when I cut back to part-time, but it's just the fact that I need a change that is getting to me the most.

LegacyUser

A Little Lost wrote: »

Everyone always says that I am a nice guy, but perhaps this is my problem. Is it possible to be too nice? I would always try and treat my ex as much as possible; buying her flowers, taking her out to dinner, surprising her with a bunch of roses - but I just don't know what went wrong.

She said that she needed her space, that she didn't want the relationship more than I did - this is after everything was going so so well. But obviously not as well as I had thought

i went out wit a guy for over a year, he bought me a chain at xmas, we went out for dinner once, i suggested it and we halved the bill. i sometimes did think it wuda been nice to get a tiny little surprise or something to show he loved me, but no.sayin it was enough for him. and i was smitten, im gettin over him quick enough but i really was 95% happy without the presents, meals and flowers . you seem like a real genuine nice guy, and she prob reckoned you were a walkover. i was you in my relationship. she had the upper hand, the power over you emotionally cause you let her in too quickly and wer talking about the future already. she was not fot you i think, same as he was not for me. it is very unhealthy and damaging if one has less interest than the other.

things will work out. you may thnk everyone is going around happier than you, but look at all the ppl on this that can empathise wit you because their lives have been just as low if not lower. im at a low point in my life at the minute, and i am slowly rising out of it. I focused, got a plan, stopped dwelling on what future i saw wit my ex. I changed jobs, focused on securing a masters course, forgot about men and gave myself the space that i needed.

You'l be absolutely fine soon.Remember it could be worse. Just lock ur bedroom at night ha.

Katarn1

A Little Lost wrote: »

Everyone always says that I am a nice guy, but perhaps this is my problem. Is it possible to be too nice? I would always try and treat my ex as much as possible; buying her flowers, taking her out to dinner, surprising her with a bunch of roses - but I just don't know what went wrong.

She said that she needed her space, that she didn't want the relationship more than I did - this is after everything was going so so well. But obviously not as well as I had thought

The friend didn't reply. I guess I sorta wasn't expecting her to, so that is fine. I know I was putting her on the spot and it wasn't fully fair to her.

As for the house- I told my landlord that I was moving out when I paid last month's rent so I shall have to try and find something within the next 2/3 weeks. I'm just hoping I can cope that long.

I don't know what I will do about work. It probably wont seem as bad when I cut back to part-time, but it's just the fact that I need a change that is getting to me the most.

I'd recommend not changing, if you're a nice guy - be a nice guy.

I tried the "treat em mean keep em keen" routine. It works lol, but only ever short term. The attitude you give off when not being overly nice can attract a certain type of people. But you will revert to your true self quickly, and in all cases I've seen the person you got with loses interest. Its fine if you're just trying to pull in a club, but if youre looking for something more, then its better not to risk faking it.

Besides, it would be a shame if you let this bad experience change who you are, you clearly have a multitude of good qualities to offer a girl and its only a matter of finding a girl who is in the same frame of mind as you.

About the space issue, this is such a dodgy thing its unreal. Everyone will tell you differently. To me, it wreaks of mind games if a person is interested but holds off on contacting to make the other person more interested, so keep at your own pace. As other posters have said, you seem like a genuine guy, stay that way and it will work for you.

And dude, thats great news on the house front, having a date set will allow you to focus on it. It'll fly in.

LegacyUser

Katarn1 wrote: »

I'd recommend not changing, if you're a nice guy - be a nice guy.

I tried the "treat em mean keep em keen" routine. It works lol, but only ever short term. The attitude you give off when not being overly nice can attract a certain type of people. But you will revert to your true self quickly, and in all cases I've seen the person you got with loses interest. Its fine if you're just trying to pull in a club, but if youre looking for something more, then its better not to risk faking it.

Besides, it would be a shame if you let this bad experience change who you are, you clearly have a multitude of good qualities to offer a girl and its only a matter of finding a girl who is in the same frame of mind as you.

About the space issue, this is such a dodgy thing its unreal. Everyone will tell you differently. To me, it wreaks of mind games if a person is interested but holds off on contacting to make the other person more interested, so keep at your own pace. As other posters have said, you seem like a genuine guy, stay that way and it will work for you.

And dude, thats great news on the house front, having a date set will allow you to focus on it. It'll fly in.

See I can't do that routine, because I would feel too damned guilty for doing it. It's not in my nature to play mind games of any sort - I don't know any and I hate the thought of even doing that to another person.

The space thing is very strange. But I can't do anything about it, so will just have to let it be. I don't know if she held off on contacting me to make me more interested, she's very busy with some work and just doesn't look at her phone (or so she told me - I do believe her though).

Actually the odd thing is that we have been talking so much more since the break-up. I'm not complaining, I like it, but I just wish it had been the case before. But I guess I was just constantly complaining about things to her and she just didn't want to reply. Now that I'm not -- I don't know.

The house thing is good news. But I feel sorry for my housemate because I own both TVs that are in this house - which will be leaving with me when I eventually move.

Unregistered wrote: »

i went out wit a guy for over a year, he bought me a chain at xmas, we went out for dinner once, i suggested it and we halved the bill. i sometimes did think it wuda been nice to get a tiny little surprise or something to show he loved me, but no.sayin it was enough for him. and i was smitten, im gettin over him quick enough but i really was 95% happy without the presents, meals and flowers . you seem like a real genuine nice guy, and she prob reckoned you were a walkover. i was you in my relationship. she had the upper hand, the power over you emotionally cause you let her in too quickly and wer talking about the future already. she was not fot you i think, same as he was not for me. it is very unhealthy and damaging if one has less interest than the other.

things will work out. you may thnk everyone is going around happier than you, but look at all the ppl on this that can empathise wit you because their lives have been just as low if not lower. im at a low point in my life at the minute, and i am slowly rising out of it. I focused, got a plan, stopped dwelling on what future i saw wit my ex. I changed jobs, focused on securing a masters course, forgot about men and gave myself the space that i needed.

You'l be absolutely fine soon.Remember it could be worse. Just lock ur bedroom at night ha.

At some points that is what it felt like during the relationship. But I came to realise that it isn't in her nature to be like that. I was her first proper relationship and perhaps she just was unsure of how to act/feel.

Work hasn't been too bad lately. The supervisor I seriously dislike is on holidays up until the end of august, at which point I'll be heading back to part time anyways.

LegacyUser

Her friend replied. Basically telling me to give her some space - which is exactly what I have been doing lately. I txted my ex last night when I couldn't sleep - it was around 4:30 am. Her phone is usually on silent so it wouldn't have woken her whatsoever. I hope.

Over the last few days/week we've been talking regularly and then today.. nothing. At all. I think I messed up by txting her so late. I don't know.

Having a pretty bad night right now.

Victor

Post not approved. Cop on.

Katarn1

A Little Lost wrote: »

Her friend replied. Basically telling me to give her some space - which is exactly what I have been doing lately. I txted my ex last night when I couldn't sleep - it was around 4:30 am. Her phone is usually on silent so it wouldn't have woken her whatsoever. I hope.

Over the last few days/week we've been talking regularly and then today.. nothing. At all. I think I messed up by txting her so late. I don't know.

Having a pretty bad night right now.

Sorry to hear it man. We all slip up like that, its brutal. I hope you're in better form now.

Some people delete the persons number as a way to remove temptation, but if you're like me you know it off by heart after a few days.

She may just have been hungover or busy that day. But it is possible that she was a little put out by the text. I've been in this situation too, where an ex kept texting at night. The ex also insisted on aplogising the next day which just wound me up more and made it worse.

Giving her space is hard but fair play for giving it a go, it sounds like it is the best plan.

Did you do anything over your weekend to try take your mind off it?

LegacyUser

I'm back. But I wish I wasn't. Things seemed like they were getting better for a while, or at least they weren't as bad, but it was all just my imagination.

I'm beginning to lose faith that things will pick up. I had to go to the dentist recently to get a lot of fillings put in, because I severely dislike the dentist and so I don't go. My whole mouth is in immense pain right now and it's starting to move down into my jaw. I'm not looking for advice on medical issues, don't worry. I have another appointment next week so hopefully they can sort out whatever it is. I need painkillers but have none.

Went househunting today to try and find somewhere new. Discovered a perfect apartment for me and my college friends. Finally! I thought, something is going to pick up! But no, they want to move into an area which would be completely unreasonable for me as it's too far out.

Why can't anything just go right for once?

Katarn1

A Little Lost wrote: »

I'm back. But I wish I wasn't. Things seemed like they were getting better for a while, or at least they weren't as bad, but it was all just my imagination.

I'm beginning to lose faith that things will pick up. I had to go to the dentist recently to get a lot of fillings put in, because I severely dislike the dentist and so I don't go. My whole mouth is in immense pain right now and it's starting to move down into my jaw. I'm not looking for advice on medical issues, don't worry. I have another appointment next week so hopefully they can sort out whatever it is. I need painkillers but have none.

Went househunting today to try and find somewhere new. Discovered a perfect apartment for me and my college friends. Finally! I thought, something is going to pick up! But no, they want to move into an area which would be completely unreasonable for me as it's too far out.

Why can't anything just go right for once?

Sorry you still feel like things arent picking up. But on the bright side at least there is movement. While your college mates might not want to move to the area you want, at least they do want to move. Is there any possibility you could show extra flexibility in this? For your friends of course, but most importantly for your own health - you need to get out of where you are and the change of scenery will be beneficial.

F*ckin dental surgery! (no offence to the profession) It can be expensive and it can be as sore as a kick in the nads.

LegacyUser

Oh tell me about it. Sometimes it can be so much agony. I didn't get to sleep til around 2am last night and as usual that guy was up at around 6am banging around. Ugh.

Have a lot of long shifts over the next few days so at least I'll be out of the house I suppose.

Millie99

Hiya
just wanted to say I think you maybe a bit depressed, have you felt like this before ? Or is it just recently ?
Kinda in same boat at the moment, very negative and hard to see anything in a positive light. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it – just acting like it is all fine to the outside – while inside I feel like I want to cry non-stop – feeling very unsettled and isolated. But I know it will get better – the sooner the better I might add, and in the meantime you just got to hang in there and ride it out. Have you tried Rescue Remedy ? You can get it from the chemist – it can help and they have a sleep version also. Maybe when it is really bad and you want to talk you could call the Samaritans, they will always listen and sometimes it is just nice to talk about these things...
Afraid you need to let the ex go, txting her etc will only alienate her more, try keep it friends and move on. There will be something better out there for you ....

mobius42

Little Lost, it sounds as if you're going through a bit of a rough patch. Judging from your posts, you obviously haven't gotten over your ex. You sound isolated and I've been in a similar situation.

Don't try and just bear this on your own; talk to someone. If you can, get some time off and go to stay with a close friend or family member for a few days. Talk things over with them. You would be amazed how helpful this can be.

It's a terrible cliché, but a problem shared really is a problem halved. Take it from me.

jmbkay

Sorry to hear things arent great for you guys. I find we all go through phases like these. You feel you cant do right from wrong. There is one thing OP that will make you feel better, get rid of the pain. Get the painkillers asap, and hopefully that problem will be solved. Keep holding on all of you.

LegacyUser

So I've been spending the past week house hunting. Found an absolutely beautiful apartment around 5 minutes away from college. Really well maintained with a landlord that is hands on (he would pop in every now and again, apparently, checking everything's alright. When I called to view the place he was there fixing doors - apparently the previous tenants used their heels a lot to open them..) and worked out relatively cheap.

I tell the other people this, send them pictures, and a couple of hours later I get a text saying, "oh dude, I've only seen my phone now .. that lady rang asking if we wanted the house (one that is located maybe a 20 minute drive from the college!) and we took it" and then started getting bitchy with me because I was furious, which I have every right to be. He got someone from his home town to move in instead. Gah, how ignorant! Now I'm stuck because there was nobody else.

Just as things start looking up ... typical. I now have no choice but to move in with a bunch of randomers, which I do not want to do because every time I have, it's been terrible! Absolutely horrible. Yet, like I said, I've now no choice!

I think it is a case that I'm not over my ex yet - she is moving away soon so hopefully then I may start to bring my life together. People keep telling me I should enjoy the single life, but the truth is that I really don't want to. I like the cuddling, the holding, the spending time with, the treating, the taking out the dinner, the meeting the friends; the usual stuff that you get from a relationship!

Oh, yet on a positive note; I've handed in my request for part time hours and shall be doing this from the 1st of September. I'm not back in college until the 8th, so I'll have a few days to myself - contemplating going away somewhere by myself for a night and then back to my family home.

Only downside is that the supervisor I cannot stand is back from holidays today. She's Eastern European. I have no problem with that, it's that her english is so terrible that she cannot communicate herself properly - plus she gets stressed way too easily. A lot of staff have almost walked out because of her. She grunts orders at her. Once I turned around to her and said straight out, "if you want me to do something, ask me nicely". Yet she only works weekdays, so when I'm back in college, I'll be there weekends, so will never see her.

Just 2 weeks left. Just 2 weeks left ..

jmbkay

You sound a bit brighter, OP, hope you got the pain sorted out.

LegacyUser

I think I am feeling a bit brighter but I'm not 100% yet. I've got some hope in the fact that I am back to college soon and will be around my friends and all. Was talking to somebody and I realised I don't have many people I would call as friends - work colleagues, yes, but nobody I would want to socialise with outside of work - as bad as that sounds.

Will strive to be more social once things are back to normal and I can settle into a proper routine. There's a girl I have sorta had my eye on.. for a few years .. that I might say hello to and see where things go from there. It's been kinda one of those seeing each other around things and checking each other out, but never any actual communication, so here's hoping that goes alright - if it doesn't, so what, I've made a new friend!

The only obstacles ahead of me now are trying to survive the next week and a half with that annoying supervisor back from her holiday and trying to find a new house.

LegacyUser

Today I realised something magical and brilliant. This week, these next few days, are the last that I am working part time. Only tomorrow, 10 hour shift on Tuesday and an 11 hour shift on Thursday and then.. part time! Well, I've asked to go back to part time on the 1st of September, which will be a Tuesday, so I'm hoping they'll only have me working that weekend. But we'll see.

I've also come to a conclusion - Life is so much easier if I leave both my phone and my watch behind. With neither I don't need to know the time or check them constantly, and it really feels like a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders! If only I had done that during my relationship .. maybe we'd still be together. Or maybe we'd have broken up regardless, who knows? Maybe it really just wasn't meant to be. I just wish this heartache and pain and suffering will go away soon.

If anyone can think of a way how, please please let me know!

Another person has moved into this house, apparently. I don't know. I came back one day to be told that someone viewed the room that's free downstairs and tonight when my other housemate was upstairs, I heard the front door opening and close. I don't want to go downstairs and see..

Have a viewing of a house on Monday and really am thinking of taking it just to get away from here. Even if it's not that nice. Anything is better than here.