Alcoholic mother

LegacyUser

Don't know really if there's any advice that can be given, but I guess it's no harm in trying. Going unreg in any case.

Just over 10 years ago my parents separated. Myself and my two brothers were all children. Six weeks later, my Dad moved in with a woman (my godmother who is about 15 years his junior) who my Mam had rightly despised for almost a decade following an argument they'd had. Worse still, it was in a housing estate just up the road. We found out when the woman's nephew (a classmate of mine) told me one day. I told my Mam and we saw his car. For about a month my Mam kept an eye on the estate, unknown to my Dad. She'd often bring me with her. My Dad denied he had begun another relationship. On my parents' 20th wedding anniversary, my Dad spotted my Mam and I in the estate, and everything came out into the open.

Throughout this time, I firmly supported my mother. I made my Dad's life hell and was encouraged to do so by my Mam. Her job involved travelling a lot, she'd occasionally pull in and have a glass of wine while I was with her. I was young and thought nothing of it. By the third year of their separation, it was clear she had an alcohol problem. A few times I was in the car with her terrified I wouldn't make it home alive. I remember the sound of corks popping in the kitchen and feeling terrible every time I heard it.

My Dad and my godmother went their separate ways after six months or so and he began a relationship (which my Mam has no problem with) with a respectable woman around 2003. My Mam was arrested for drunk-driving in 2004 and was put off the road for two years. This was a watershed moment, as she finally faced up to her alcohol problem and remained sober for 2 1/2 years. Late in 2006, she had a glass of wine after an argument with a colleague in work. She had a few glasses, she tells me, in the months that followed. On the night of my 18th birthday in 2007, I spotted her drinking. I confronted her, and she maintained that it was no big deal - the fact that recovering alcoholics should never drink was lost on her. Sure enough, the problem has intensified, and she has frequently lied about her drinking, claiming that she doesn't want to upset us.

Despite the argument with her colleague, she loved her old job. She began a new one at the start of the year and hates it. The 10th anniversary last month has had a huge negative effect on her also. She has missed many days of work and I'm concerned that she may end up losing her job. She has spent most of the last week in bed, and this evening was brought home by the Gardai who caught her drunk-driving again.

Despite it all, the three of us are doing relatively well. My older brother and I are in college getting excellent results in the courses with high CAO points we aimed for in school. For years, I've confronted my mother about her alcohol problem, I've told her she doesn't have to resolve it all by herself and I've advised counselling to her but she doesn't want to visit a 'shrink', although she now says she doesn't feel that going through old hurt is going to help. It seems as though any solution I propose gets lost on her. A month ago, she admitted her alcohol problem, visited the doctor twice since, and is now on anti-depressants. But with every passing week she gets further and further down the road to destruction.

She says she is lonely, that the last 10 years have been tough on her and that she sees no bright future ahead. But that can't justify the hell she's put my brothers and I through. She used me as a pawn when I was a child (thankfully I get on well with my father now), made my home life miserable and until recently was very passive at any attempts I made to help her. Tbh, I'm sick of her at this stage and while I care for her and want to see her recover, I'm not prepared to waste any more energy in helping her. Too often, it's just blown right back in my face.

There's loads I've left out, one night I spent two hours telling a buddy of mine this story. I know she needs detoxing, medical and psychological help to get over all of this, but she's just not interested.

Should say that generally my brothers and I are reasonably happy people. Always look on the bright side and all that!

banjaxx

OP... the 3 'C's of alcoholism.

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

LegacyUser

OP, I was in a similar situation with an alcoholic mother but at the time I was a bit too young to help. She died from her alcohol addiction aged 35, I was 16. It has had a profound effect on me and in my 30's needed to see a counsellor to deal with all of the feelings and emotions that had been suppressed and buried inside me for years.

There are 2 books that I read which were a great help to me, and I would recommend them to you.

1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
2. Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz.

Also, there are ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings which will be able to help. I dont know where you are located, but here is one in St. Patricks Hospital Dublin.

http://www.stpatrickshosp.com/candidate/pages/selfhelp/meetings.aspx


Hope this helps,
J.