Need help deciphering male brain

iwannagoonstric

Hi,
I've been with the OH for 7yrs and I love him so much. (I don't really get the whole 'we've been through a lot' thing, because, well, its annoying. I'll just say he's been in my day2day life for over 6 years and all that that entailed.) We've done the long distance thing, and he spends a lot of time working away from home. (He's in the army) he does a lot of things in the different baracks and obviusly goes out for drinks with the groups he's with. This is not a problem at all, i trust him 100%. And its never a problem if I want to go out with the girls. He trusts me 100%

We built a house together, moved in about 6 months ago, but I honestly don't think that that is much of a commitment. It can be sold in no time so no harm done. He's a bit older than me, I'm mid 20s (****, already) and he's early 30s. Most of our mates, mine and his, have wives/husbands, fiances and babies. And it is something I want. Not today or tomorrow but one day. Maybe in a few years get the ole name changed then pop out a baby when i hit the 30s.

When we talk about the future, he says that he does want to marry me and that he wants to have A baby - but then gets a bit scared that I've recorded the conversations, am goign to frug him and drag him to the altar using said convos as proff that he does so he always adds in - but not for a few years yet.

I was reading another thread there and I'm afraid now that he is just feeding me BS so that I'll shut up for a while. But we're good together, complete oposites, he's all sporty and ****, and I'm a tad nerdy! He's very good to me, takes care of me and buys me things (little token things like lunch and flowers from Aldi!) And I'm good to him, I like to cook for him and whatever, look after him in my own lil way. There is nothing I'd want more than to marry him and have his child - but like i said, in a few years. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life just living and being with him, as his wife and as his family.

What I am trying to say is that, if he really didnt want to get married then I'd expect him to break up with me. I know that I said I'd be happy just beng with him, but I want to be his wife. I want that commitment.

He sometimes says that he doesn't want to get married because its too expensive. But we've discussed things and I'd be quite happy just a small ceromony of family and close friends. Just a dinner with them after the church ceromony. I'm not in for the whole lets spend 50g on one day.

SO, WEDDINGS TOO EXPENSIVE/NOT YET DARLING, IN A FEW YEARS........I'm thinking that these excuses are BS and he just doenst want to get married at all and this far in is too afriad to dump me beause he loves me but isn't in love with me yada yada yada....


What do you think?

Is it love and he does mean in a few years we'll get hitched, or just fear and conveniece keeping us together???

Terodil

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

I said I'd be happy just beng with him, but I want to be his wife. I want that commitment.

Sorry OP but that sounds like moving goalposts to me. He settled for just being with you, and you said so too, but now you're digging out 'the wedding card'. (Sorry if I misread it.)

That said, I don't get how a piece of paper or getting some guy wearing a pretty costume to wave his hands in front of you represents any bigger a commitment than what you already have.

The paper can be burnt and the marriage dissolved in a matter of a few days. The love between you two, the house, ... that takes weeks if not months or even years to dissolve/get over, if you want to look at it as a 'lock-in' mechanism (which is a view I don't want to share). So honestly, what more do you want?

iwannagoonstric

No, I'm not moving the goal posts. I've told him i want to get married - and that it's something i want in a few years. Believe me, I've not moved the goalposts. He knows the score.....

I'm just worried that he's just pacifing me by agreeing with me, and whena few years rolls along that he'll say ..... yeah next year..yeah next year..

And I'm not sure why i put so much emphasis on the 'piece of paper'. I dont see it as a peice of paper,i think it's more than that. Its wearing a ring and choosing me. Making a life long committment to us. I'm not up for the flash wedding, i want to start a family. I'm not a holy joe but i think the church ceromony is very defining. Maybe I'm making mountains out of mole hills!

TheCityManager

I'm confused here...

You are both in love with each other and happy being with each other..

You wish to get married and have his babies in a few years..

he says ye will wait a few years to get married (mainly cos it's so expensive..which it is..)

So whats the problem?
IMO he is not stringing you along...he loves you, is happy with you, will marry you...stop picking holes in your relationship and enjoy...

Ye are VERY VERY LUCKY..enjoy it and stop analysing....

Nitxteha

I don't see much of a problem here. You both want to get married..in some years time.

Whenever you feel you want to get married, and it's the right time, tell him very clearly, and do a small or big wedding whatever you want or can afford, otherwise, if he's not interested...you'll have to make your choice, take him or leave him..

iwannagoonstric

Thanks for this, i was reading this other post there just and got a bit antzy is all. But yeah, mountains and molehills. Maybe I'll post back in a few years and let yiz know!

Taltos

Hi OP.

Marriage is only as expensive as you make it.

eg
Big wedding - all the trimmings - loads-a-bucks
Private family only wedding - brothers, sisters, parents. NO one else - less
Wedding abroad - just the 2 of you.... cost of a holiday + a little bit.
Registry office...

If the wedding is that important to you and he is that concerned at the cost - try to figure out if he is focussed on the big wedding as opposed to any of the many oppertunities out there...

Oh The Humanity

Op, can you just clarify something ....what do you mean by:

but then gets a bit scared that I've recorded the conversations

.......

LegacyUser

Can I just ask why you crave the commitment so much? Because no one really likes to admit it or talk about it, but one big fear guys have is that once you have the safety net of knowing he can't leave you, you'll drop the romance and pull the classic "bait and switch" act which the media constantly portrays marriages as being. It's not really guys' fault, it's the hundreds of sitcoms, dramas, romance films, and whatever else which give a lot of guys the impression that once you've "caught" him, you can start being possessive, using sex as a weapon, not 'let' him hang out with his friends, etc. the classic stereotypes. And it's probably not true since all the women I know seem to be very nice and decent people, but you know how powerful the media is. I'll admit I fear the same thing - once I get married to a girl, will all the fun of dating her go out the window as we both no longer have to worry about the other person leaving, so we don't have to try to make the other person happy as much as we do when we're dating and have to "keep" them?

Again, I'm not suggesting you will do this, but it's a definite fear for most guys. There's an old stereotype: Girls marry guys hoping to change them, and almost never do. Guys marry girls hoping they won't change, and they almost always do. And the problem for guys is that once you're in a relationship like that, the wife tends to hold all the cards since divorce cases are so biased at the moment.


If you can ascertain that this is indeed why he holds back, you have to reassure him that it's all a load of rubbish and you're not going to do that. But I ask again, why do you want the commitment so much if it isn't so you can relax and have a safety net? When guys see girls who are so obsessed with it, that's the logical conclusion unfortunately. again, don't blame himself or yourself, blame the messages we all get from looking at our parents and the media.

LegacyUser

It seems you're just reading things into the situation based on a somewhat similar post on here. What you seem to be confusing is that guy said he DOESN'T want marriage and kids and things have now come to a head and it seems to have sparked some insecurities in you. It would be much wiser for you to concentrate on YOUR relationship and not project your fears on to it based on someone else's situation. This could be ultimately be much more destructive and create a wedge where there isn't one already. Just relax and enjoy what you have NOW and stop trying to live your life based on what other people are doing.