Tricky situation - what can I do?

LegacyUser

Hi
Im a 34yr old man and I dont have any real friends. I have plenty of aquaintances but nobody who I can go out with at the weekends or go on holidays with or whatever. I did have some friends but slowly and surely over the years they hooked up with girls and I saw them less and less. Its at the stage were I rarely see these friends, if I ask any of them do they want to do something at the weekend the response is always no, they have to spend time with the girlfriend/wife. Which I understand, these are guys who work mon-fri so they only get to spend quality time with their girlfriends at the weekends. So I find myself living pretty much all my life alone. If I want to go to a concert it has to be alone or even go see a movie its also alone. And going to a gig on your own, when you know you have nobody to go with, is not the same as choosing to go alone even though you know somebody would go with you. Its hard to do things by yourself when your surrounded by people together. Makes you feel like a leper.
This is one of those things nobody tells you about that can happen in life, people pair off and if you dont, you get left behind.
It wouldnt be so hard if I had a family I could rely upon for support but I dont. My parents got divorced when I was 12 and after that everybody went their seperate ways. It was an ugly family situation anyway, no love, no togetherness, we were always just a group of people with the same last name, never a family.
Id like to have a girlfriend, its been 3 years since I was last out on a date. Somebody I could share things with would be nice. But because I have no friends to go out socialising with its pretty hard to meet anybody. Ive joined clubs etc., primarly to enjoy the activities of the club but also in order to make new friends and maybe meet a girl. But everybody already seems hooked up in the friend department and there just doesnt seem to be any available women left. The older I get it seems harder to make friends and also it seems like the pool of available women gets smaller and smaller. Or is that just my imagination? Are all the good ones taken by the time you reach 30?
I really feel like Im on the outside looking in. Im being excluded from events aswell due to my single status. I was competing in an athletic competition at the weekend and it was one of the rare occasions I got to see one of my friends. He was there with his girlfreind and another couple and when I went over to see hi and hang out with them for a while after the race I was pretty much ignored and I felt like a fifth wheel. And when I asked my friend what he was doing later that night he said he was having a bbq with the girlfriend and some other couples, including the couple they were with that day. I didnt get an invite but I think I wouldve had I had a girlfriend, which is hard to take.
I try to stay positive and just live my life but its difficult at times. Sorry if it sounds like I feeling sorry for myself, I know theres nothing worse than listening to somebody moan. Im just at a bit of a loss as to how to fix this situation. I mean for years I was happy to have friends and do the things I enjoyed in life. I watched as my friends paired off with girls but it never happened for me. I didnt worry about being one of the single ones because some of the other lads were single aswell. But then one day I turned around and realised I was the only single one left and the others didnt want to hang out so much.

Is anybody else in this situation? Any advice(please no lectures about joining clubs)would be great.
Thanks

sachamama

Hello OP, Its good to get it all off your chest, It doesn't feel like you are moaning, especially if you have nobody to talk to this is the right place to be.

Firstly can I just say that if these "friends" of yours would only invite you to their house if you had a girlfriend, then they really couldn't be considered friends. In reality, people are individuals, they're not joined up to another person without whom they cannot function. If that is the case then there is something seriously wrong with both individuals and the relationship.

anyway I'm not here to give out about your so called friends. I'm here to say that I hear you.

I watched the movie "he's just not into you" last night and its a huge barage of ifs, whens, buts about dating. It wrecked my head actually. that's a whole big world in itself (what did he/she mean when he/she said.....). If that's a world you want to enter into you will need to be upbeat, self-confident and ready to take rejection like water off of a ducks back. Are you ready for that?

what exactly is it that you want to "fix"? your friends? your single status? or your attitude towards life? you cant fix your friends, finding a girlfriend is not something you can "fix" it just happens or it doesn't happen, so perhaps your attitude is the only thing here you can control?

so thats my two cents worth, without the "join clubs" bit... I'd say do things you enjoy doing in life with the full intention of enjoying what you do, while all the time being open to the possibility of meeting someone, but not with the goal being to meet someone.

Walk in Beauty
Sachamama

Steamer

I hear you on this topic. I moved away from all my friends to a town and found it really difficult to find people to hang out with. They were all in cliques from the time they came out of th womb. I did move in with someone who I became good enough friends with and we went out loads etc and that kept me going for a while, but then she got a boyfriend and didn't need to go out anymore. So I moved back to where I have good friends because it's a real problem not being able to get out and about when you want to.

I won't go on about clubs etc because people said that to me too but I will say that you shoudl try things like speed dating. I went once and it was a great laugh, most people go seperatly, I went with a friend. Afterwards we bumped into a few lads that were at it and they were all hanging out together and seemed to be having a laugh. So that was a place where single guys met other single guys but not in a gay way, just a suggestion. And you never know, you could meet a nice lady there too.

LegacyUser

I'm a 31 year old female. From comments I get people don't seem to think im ugly and I keep fit enough and I'm not difficult to be around. I was always fun loving and enjoyed other peoples company. But I've been single for about 5 years, and the only one of my friends left single too. It first started bothering me at work about 2 years ago. All everyone seemed to talk about was what they cooked for their boyfriends, what their boyfriend/girlfriend did/said, what restaurants they were going to, movies they saw, weddings, holidays. I was excluded from ALL of these conversations because they involved having a partner. So I ended up not fitting in with them as much as I could have, because I couldn't converse with them most of the time, even though I did try.

Now even my own friends are doing their own things more and more. It's gotten to the stage where I feel almost 'lucky' that they include me, and because I am single I am always available to do things, but because they are in twos, if I invite them to something, sometimes they will come sometimes they won't but they always have to check with their other half first.

And I am happy for them! But when you end up going to see the movie 'the hangover' on your own, trying to stay positive gets kind of annoying!

And it's not that I want a boyfriend, I'm actually completely fine without one, but I just wish i was surrounded by more like minded people. Even just one person who would drop everything for me and go do something with me the way my friends do for their boyfriends. I think I just need a best friend who is single.

Sorry, I came on here to post for you and ended up just getting stuff off my chest myself!

So I'm not much help at all really! But I guess you're not alone in how you are feeling.

mam1

Hi there I completely understand how upsetting it must have been to be left out like that by your so called "friends" however as you say you are sporty..did I get that right??Do you play football I only ask cos my husbands team are great for the get togethers for singles couples everyone..even if you just went a couple of times for the social aspect...I know you said no advice on joining clubs but did you mean sporting ones too????pm if you want to know where they play etc..

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

And it's not that I want a boyfriend, I'm actually completely fine without one, but I just wish i was surrounded by more like minded people. Even just one person who would drop everything for me and go do something with me the way my friends do for their boyfriends. I think I just need a best friend who is single.

Sorry, I came on here to post for you and ended up just getting stuff off my chest myself!

So I'm not much help at all really! But I guess you're not alone in how you are feeling.

Yeah, Im fine without a girlfriend too.........and thats the problem. I was happy to live my life and hang out with friends. They were enough for me. But just having friends wasnt enough for them, they felt they needed girlfriends. And so because I didnt feel any great need to hook up and settle down, I got left out. Life can be quite brutal in that if you dont fall in line and follow what everybody else does you get cut from the squad.
Like you said though, even having just one friend who is single would be perfect and all id need. And its ok you hijacking my post! What you said did really help. Thanks.

And thanks to the other posters, its good to know im not the only one in this situation. Although I have to say that I would rather shave my own head with a rusty cheese-grater than speed date or internet date or any of that stuff. But thanks for the nice messages, they made me feel pretty good.

petethebrick

Hey man,

I'm 28 and single now and hope to still be single when I'm 34!
Seriously, you're still young. Yeah a lot of women over 30 are in relationships, married etc - but that's just another reason to go after hotter younger ones in their twenties

Your friends don't sound too cool from how you describe them. Surely if they were good friends they'd still make time to hang out with you and invite you to things. A lot of my friends are in relationships and spend weekends with their OH's but if I haven't seen them for a while I'll make sure to give out to them about not meeting up etc Tell your friends how you're feeling, that's all you can do.

Keep up the clubs/sports things etc I reckon.

You say you haven't been on a date in three years :eek: You need to sort that out. You're still young but the years go by quickly! You need to start making better use of your time! Good luck man.

LegacyUser

hi op,

First thing, well done for getting all that off your chest, sometimes by expressing how we feel, there is a sense of release. Outside of the clubs etc, you should have a look at the gig buddies section under music, http://boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1098
this may be of some use to you. How about some of the boards night outs?
Speed dating may work, as it is something that you can go to by yourself and not appear "lonely".

LegacyUser

You're so not alone on this one - I'm a 29 year old female in a similar situation. To be fair most of my friends still include me in stuff like nights out, bbq, cinema etc even though they're partnered off. But when it comes to going on holidays or going to weddings, it's just me. I swore after a wedding I went to last year that I'd never go again unless I have a partner - being the odd one at the table is bad enough but when not one of your friends offers to meet you for breakfast so that you have to walk into the dining room alone it's pretty scary. Ended up asking a colleague and her husband if I could join them - I don't think they were in the slightest bit bothered but as you said - leper!! Nearly ordered room service to sidestep that one, wish I had now!
Again, a hijacker of your thread - I have no answers, nor am I really looking for any, but just want you to know that there are a few others in the same boat - cheered me up no end to read yours and know it's not just me!!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

You're so not alone on this one - I'm a 29 year old female in a similar situation. To be fair most of my friends still include me in stuff like nights out, bbq, cinema etc even though they're partnered off. But when it comes to going on holidays or going to weddings, it's just me. I swore after a wedding I went to last year that I'd never go again unless I have a partner - being the odd one at the table is bad enough but when not one of your friends offers to meet you for breakfast so that you have to walk into the dining room alone it's pretty scary. Ended up asking a colleague and her husband if I could join them - I don't think they were in the slightest bit bothered but as you said - leper!! Nearly ordered room service to sidestep that one, wish I had now!
Again, a hijacker of your thread - I have no answers, nor am I really looking for any, but just want you to know that there are a few others in the same boat - cheered me up no end to read yours and know it's not just me!!

Thanks, it is comforting to know Im not the only one struggling with this situation. Although reading back over my original post Im a little embarressed by some of the things I said. It really comes across as self-pitying and sympathy seeking, which is not me at all. So apologies for the outburst. I really am a pretty happy person on my own and Im very thankful Im not one of those desperados who cannot be by themselves at all and who are completely dependent. My independence is a great source of pride to me its just sometimes the exclusion can be a bit hard to take. But screw it, no point in worrying!
Thanks again everybody