Family is falling apart and I can't stop it from happening

need advise

Sorry if this is a long post but i need to vent and get this off my chest before i explode and if anyone could give me some advise it would be great.

My Parents have split up over 11 years ago , dad moved out and mam and the three of us stayed with her.

One day my mam and sis had a fight and she moved out and lived with my dad, Since that day my sister hasn't spoken to my mam to which is near enough to 9 years now. this at anything has put a awful lot of strain on the family, my sister isnt the best person to get on with and i have never wanted anything like this to happen,however she doesnt speak a word to me, doesnt tex, even at a family event the other day on my dad's side she just ignored me and when i try to start a conversation she just turned away. All I want is for her to be nice to me and be a sister as I want to be with her but its inpossible,

Now my Brother isnt talking to my mam and when i try to ask him why our try to help he shouts down the phone at me and tells me to stay out of it and says abusive things about my mam to which I know is un true, I love my mam to bits and my dad even though i dont have a great relationship with him i try my best as i hate fights and been bitter towards what happened in the past is not worth it life is way to short to have that hold against someone, i believe that it brings your own way of life down,

anyway my brother works away abroad 3 months at a time and got called back on Monday to which I asked him just to try to work things out but all i got was abuse, I feel as though i am been punched into a corner, my mam wanting to know if i spoke to him and to see what i can do, trying to comfort her in order to make sure she isnt loosing another child, and i trying to get my brother to talk to me with out having him shout at me, and now im getting ate by his partner telling me to keep my nose out of it that its none of my business, i am in tears trying to understand how it isnt my business when my brother told me that if my mother died in the morning he would be happy.

I need some help i am about to crack, i cant even talk to my dad about this as he will say its none of his business, what am I to do?

Moomoo1

do you have any inkling why they are behaving in this way?

does your mother have any inkling?

jen_23

from someone who was in a similar position to your brother and sister I think they need to come around on their own about your mother anyway - that's not something in my experience that can be forced.

You cannot force your siblings to have a realtionship with your mother if that is not what they want. And you trying to force it will only turn them against you.

As for you though. Is there a reason your sister won't talk to you? How old is she? grown woman? teen?
My advice would be the only relationship you can do anything about is the one between you and your siblings.

Work on that. Start by trying to get the 3 of ye together for drinks or a movie or bowling etc.
Whilst ye are out do not try to force the issue of pairing things up with your mom concentrate on having fun just ye.
There is nothing worse than constantly listening to someone who wants everyone to 'just get on' sometimes it doesn't happen and sometimes when the issue is no longer forced it does

With my situation everyone came around on our own time to different degrees but everyone can tolerate being in the same room now.

Hope everything works out for you OP

kmick

I think your title says it all.
"Family is falling apart and I cant stop it from happening"

You are right you cant stop it happening. So stop beating yourself up. You are not the family mediator so stop trying to be it will cause you nothing but grief. So here is the plan. Your sister and brother sound like very hot headed and angry people. So just stay out of their way. Tell your mother that you have tried and tried but you are staying out of it. Then work on helping the members of your family who do want to have a relationship. Have a day out with your other sibling and your mother. Go to a movie together and enjoy yourselves. Tell your mother and other brother/sister that you love them and appreciate their efforts at staying a family.

As regards the other half of the clan. Let them at it. Dont get involved and dont get angry with them. Any sister who wont talk to you because of some imagined insult 9 years ago is a poor excuse for a human being. As regards your brother again dont get involved. Its not your fight. You dont even know what they are fighting about.

Best thing you can do is lie low, not get involved and tell everyone this, help your currently family out as much you can. You sound like your are the most mature and well rounded of all your family so well done, you will be amazed how well you can deal with life with a mature attitude like that.

Oh The Humanity

It is not your responsibility or within your ability to keep the family together.

You are the classic child that tries to 'fix' the unfixable when it is impossible.

Your Mother should not be using you as a 'go between' -it is not fair on you.

Also take into account BOTH you sister and brother have fallen out with your Mother, there may be good reasons which you just cant see.

I know it is very hurtful but this problem is not something you can 'solve' or 'make right'

I would definitely urge you to seek some counselling for yourself. It is not right for adults to place their problems on children even young adults. It causes terrible distress and long term insecurity and depression.

The reason for that is the futility of trying to make situations right which can not be made right.

need advise

Hi everyone, thanks a million for giving me some really good advise, and I have acted on it, I sent an text to my mother saying that i tried to do my best in helping but im not going to be able to do it any more and that it is up to her and my brother to resolve the issues that they are having.

My Sister is 26 in November, I am 24 and my brother is 23 so we are all around the same age and should have the same cop on but everyone is to there own I suppose.

As my Bother is over seas now I will e-mail him later to say the same , i dont want to have our relationship broken too there is enough fighting going on, I try to be level headed as been self absorbed gets you no where and I dont want it to affect my own relationship that I have with my partner, I should really listen to him more often as what you have all stated is what he says to me on a daily basis, but its nice to hear it from someone who doesnt no me , I have already decided that I need to go and talk to a professional , I did go when my parents first broke up which did me the world of good and I think another few sessions would put me in the right place again

From now on Im going to let them sort it out I can only be there as there friend and Sister/Daughter,

Cheers for all the advise , ye have made me feel a lot better , will keep ye posted