Annoyed with sister

LegacyUser

This might be trivial compared to some issues but I'm really annoyed with my sister. She has decided to go to the same college as me at the same time, out of all the colleges in the UK, to do her Masters. I graduated two years ago and took the two years to work and save up money which is why I'm only going back this year. She has just finished and my parents are giving her money to do it which I think is really unfair. I don't see why she had to choose the college I was going to, as I picked it two years ago and deferred until now. I'm a very independent person and I chose to go over there to have my own life. I do not want to be running into my sister at Freshers Week events, at the bar, etc. We don't get along very well as she's very bitchy and cliquey, tries to be 'one of the cool kids'. I don't feel like I can be myself around her. I'll be constantly checking to see if she's there everywhere I go. I know this sounds silly but I REALLY just wanted to go somewhere on my own and have put in a lot of work, time and money to go there. I think it's really unfair that she's just finished her undergrad and expects my parents to fund this Masters for her - yes, there are jobs where we live but she doesn't want to work for a year. I'm trying to see advantages in the situation like not being alone over there, but as we don't get on, she wouldn't want me tagging along. I'm just feeling very resentful right now.

LegacyUser

OP, I feel for you, I really do. I presume it's too late for you to choose another uni, after you've already deferred for 2 years, or maybe there is still late application?
My sister - older than me- copies my hairstyle, clothes, shoes. I had a great holiday in China, next thing you know, she's going to China. She saw me with my wireless laptop - when they first came in - it went right to the top of her list (I know because she told my niece). And so on. Now, none of these things are as serious as your situation, but you get my drift..

But maybe I'm being too negative. Do you think she might be doing it so ye could improve your relationship? Maybe she's dying to get away for a while also but would be afraid to do it on her own? What reason did she give you for choosing the same uni?

LegacyUser

I think you sound very selfish. How do you know she is going to be following you around or frequenting the same places as you? You sound bitter at the fact that your parents are paying for her to go but perhaps the financial situation on your family has changed since you were an undergrad? I got money from my parents all through college and when my sister started (in a different college) she got more than I got when I was in 1st year. But my parents had more money then so...it doesn't even matter!

there are worse things in the world than having your sister near you - I think you should wake up and realise that, although you both may not get along, just because u are in the same place does not mean you have to see eachother all the time. There are far more worse things in life and your problem is quite trivial to be honest. If she doesnt want you tagging along - and you don't wanna hang out with her - then just don't!! it is that simple. and it may turn out that having a family member near enough to you will be a huge advantage should you ever feel homesick, upset etc. Its so not even close to the end of the world.

useful_contacts

TBH op id have a word with your folks about why you were never given any money towards your education- yet during an econimic crisis she is being funded through college

LegacyUser

Yeah ......why have your parents treated you both different, is your sister the baby or something?

The only thing is that colleges are big places, i changed friends many times and never ran into people again, once you get your own buzz going .....and you say she will have her own gang.... you may not mix much, it does sound annoying to have your sister rain on your parade,

Only thing you can do is try connivence her to move to another college, you can say your going to make her life hell if she goes!!

jen_23

Op I know some colleges in England offer specific master programmes that might take 2 years over here and there can only be a small handful of colleges offering those. If you have to consider ease of getting home so flights maybe that's why she chose it.

Another thing to point out is I know some people if they work full time for any amount of time after college get used to the money and will not go back. This could possibly be another reason for her wanting to do this now.

Also you said your'e independant so I assume had you asked your parents would have done the same for you and paid for your masters??

Also maybe she chose it because she wants to work on yer relationship?

I know you said you wanted to be alone and be independant and if that's what you want colleges are huge. If you don't want to come across her I doubt you will!(too often anyway) I had several friends in college doing different courses and rarely came across any of them in the 4 years unless we planned it.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

This might be trivial compared to some issues but I'm really annoyed with my sister. She has decided to go to the same college as me at the same time, out of all the colleges in the UK, to do her Masters. I graduated two years ago and took the two years to work and save up money which is why I'm only going back this year. She has just finished and my parents are giving her money to do it which I think is really unfair. I don't see why she had to choose the college I was going to, as I picked it two years ago and deferred until now. I'm a very independent person and I chose to go over there to have my own life. I do not want to be running into my sister at Freshers Week events, at the bar, etc. We don't get along very well as she's very bitchy and cliquey, tries to be 'one of the cool kids'. I don't feel like I can be myself around her. I'll be constantly checking to see if she's there everywhere I go. I know this sounds silly but I REALLY just wanted to go somewhere on my own and have put in a lot of work, time and money to go there. I think it's really unfair that she's just finished her undergrad and expects my parents to fund this Masters for her - yes, there are jobs where we live but she doesn't want to work for a year. I'm trying to see advantages in the situation like not being alone over there, but as we don't get on, she wouldn't want me tagging along. I'm just feeling very resentful right now.

Grow up will you. Your sister is entitled to go to any college she chooses. I'm sure your parents would have funded your course had you not choses to work too so stop being so bitter.

You say you'll be "constantly checking to see if she's there everywhere" yet you're afraid she " wouldn't want you taging along".... that's totally contradictory.

Sounds like you are jealous that she is stealing your thunder, get over yourself

kmick

Weird one - have you talked to your sister at all about this. If it were me and it bothered me that much I would change college or defer another year. However I think you need to look at your own attitudes as well. You should not let yourself get into a situation where you are jealous or angry about a sibling getting money you did not get. Parents make decsions based on maturity of kids and they probably felt you wanted to earn the money to put yourself through college. Your younger sibling may not have the option to work either - the ecomony is busted.

My advice would be do the course. Get on with your sister as best you can and put up with it for the short college year. Family is important.

LegacyUser

OP here. I don't think I'm being contradictory. She doesn't like me so won't be trying to hang around with me or anything, but she'll be around the place - the library, the cafe, nights out. As for the money, my parents told me they wouldn't pay for mine so I worked to save up. Obviously I would much rather have gone back in 2007 than worked in a series of low paying and sh*tty jobs! Now my sister is claiming she can't get a job because of the crisis (there are jobs locally, just not the kind she wants) so they're paying for her, and saying I don't need the money because I saved up! On one hand she's saying she's broke and on the other she's asked for flights to go skiing in Andorra for Christmas! I would not have the nerve to go on fancy holidays if my parents were funding me!

I KNOW it's silly to care so much. It's just extremely annoying that this is the place I've always wanted to go, I've waited so long and worked hard to get there and she comes along and goes to the exact same place. I can accept the unfairness of the money situation - I like being independent, but I just really wanted to go somewhere on my own.

sachamama

Hello OP.

You have to let all of this go. you really do. Its none of it half as important as the fact that you worked really hard, you got the money and you are now going back to do something for yourself that you want to do.

Let her go. let her be in the cafe, in the bar, wherever. Does it affect your future? Yes it does - if you let it. No it wont, if you don't let it.

So you have the choice here - are you going to let her ruin your opportunity by holding onto all this anger and pain? or are you going to rise above it, bask in pride at how you are able to get to where YOU want to go to, on your own, and them make the most of it by being the best you can be?

You don't sound anything like her, you will be doing your own thing with your own group of people . And if you do see her in the club, say hello. The world is big enough for all of us.

walk in beauty,
Sachamama

Red Alert

I'm guessing even a moderately sized college should mean that you wouldn't see her that much... just make sure there's no possibility of living with her.

Noffles

Personally the parents thing would annoy the **** out of me... you scrape the money together then she prissies about and they pay for her... what????

Just avoid the soft cow, Uni's are big places... you've earned the right literally to be there, she's got it free!

You could also hope she breaks her leg or something in Andorra..

jmbkay

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. She wants to be like you. She could be really insecure underneath it all.

starchild27

I think its really silly to feel that way about your own sister. I dont mean to sound patronising (honest) but i know what its like to be the younger sister. My older sister stopped me from skipping transisition year when we were ar school together because she didnt want me in her class crapping her style. I can tell you its a pretty rotten feeling when your sister who you look up to can treat you like your nothing more than a stranger.

Just think how that makes her feel and dont blame your sister for your parents mistakes (yes, it is lousy for them to pay for her and not you, again something can emphatise with). Me and my sis dont speak anymore. Dont let that happen to you and yours

Miaireland

I understand where you are coming from. I have been in the situation with my brother. Do not let her spoil this for you.

Most of the colleges in the UK are very large and the odds of you running into each other is very remote.Even in the library it is unlikely that you will be in the same section and looking at the same books.

If you are so different you are unlikely to have the same friends and she will not be living with you. Forget about her.

Focus on you and your new life. Best of luck with the course.

rhyolite

Miaireland wrote: »

Most of the colleges in the UK are very large and the odds of you running into each other is very remote.Even in the library it is unlikely that you will be in the same section and looking at the same books.

OP, while this is technically correct, i think the fundamental point has been missed: given that there are very few (i'm talking a handful) courses that only one UK institution does, and of all the - hundred perhaps? - university institutions in the UK that your sister could of chosen (particularly given the apathy between you and her), i think the chances of an unfortunate coincidence are so remote as to be laughable.

no, you're sister has chosen this institution very deliberately, if she can follow you to another country, and of all the universities in the UK she can pick yours, then she can damn well ensure that she can be 'around' while you're both in the university and while you socialise - and if she wanted to be friends she certainly wouldn't have gone out of her way to let you know that she's being treated differently to you.

these are not the actions of someone who has your best intentions in mind, actually the word 'stalker' comes to mind - and thats a form of flattery you want avoid like the plague.

good luck, though i fear you might want to change uni's - and quietly - in the first few weeks of term.

LegacyUser

It sounds like she looks up to you, and this is not surprising given that you have shown that you can live independantly, some people find this more difficult that others, and perhaps she likes the security of knowing that you are close by. Just because you two don't get on that doesn't mean she doesn't look up to you. If you are making it clear you don't want her around she probably feels very hurt. But this will not make her change her mind, it will make her jealous and angry. Accept her, or you may end up ruining your relationship. Let the money issues go, they are beside the point. It will stand to you that you are independant, it will go against your sister that she is dependant, and even though she has chosen the easy way she probably knows this. When you are both out of the home environment and in the college context, seeing each other occassionally but both with the space to do your own thing, it is likely that your relationship will improve, you may even become friends eventually. So please let your anger go.

rhyolite

Unregistered wrote: »

...If you are making it clear you don't want her around she probably feels very hurt. But this will not make her change her mind, it will make her jealous and angry. Accept her, or you may end up ruining your relationship....

because adults don't have the right to decide who they are and are not friends with?

the parents ruined the relationship by treating them differently. the sister ruined the relationship by bragging about how the parents treated them differently.

make. bed. lie.

Handsome Bob

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. I don't think I'm being contradictory. She doesn't like me so won't be trying to hang around with me or anything, but she'll be around the place - the library, the cafe, nights out. As for the money, my parents told me they wouldn't pay for mine so I worked to save up. Obviously I would much rather have gone back in 2007 than worked in a series of low paying and sh*tty jobs! Now my sister is claiming she can't get a job because of the crisis (there are jobs locally, just not the kind she wants) so they're paying for her, and saying I don't need the money because I saved up! On one hand she's saying she's broke and on the other she's asked for flights to go skiing in Andorra for Christmas! I would not have the nerve to go on fancy holidays if my parents were funding me!

I KNOW it's silly to care so much. It's just extremely annoying that this is the place I've always wanted to go, I've waited so long and worked hard to get there and she comes along and goes to the exact same place. I can accept the unfairness of the money situation - I like being independent, but I just really wanted to go somewhere on my own.

Sounds like your parents are buying into your sister's story and are panicking over this economic crisis. They don't want her sitting around jobless so instead they are funding her masters because "by the time she's finished the economy will have picked up again by then." Trust me I know, my parents are trying to feed me the same line but I'm refusing to take money off them to do a masters.

Did you and your sister do the same undergrad course? It seems really strange that out of all the colleges, Ireland and the UK, that she could have picked she just picks the same University that you have had earmarked for the past two years. Sounds like she is just being lazy OP and that she couldn't be arsed doing some of her own research. Which in turn is a recipe for her not lasting very long once she's realised the magnitude of the decision she's made.

LegacyUser

The course she wants to do is very specialist and it's true that it is one of the only places she can do it. She definitely didn't choose this university because of anything to do with me, but I wish she'd chosen a different one. The latest thing is that she's renting an apartment and my parents are pressuring me to live there with her as she's finding it hard to get a flatmate in. I knew this would happen!!! I have not spent the last few years scrimping and saving and dreaming of my year over there to end up living with a sister who treats me horribly!

I think some posters have the wrong end of the stick here - she has lived away for undergrad, in England, she's not a homebird or shy or anything. I suppose in a nutshell she's 'taken over' my idea - she's acting like it's all 'her' thing and has manipulated my parents into funding it with talk of how 'there's no jobs'. I have tried to tell them it's unfair but they just completely dismiss me, saying I'm spoiled and they've given me money in the past (not nearly as much as they'll be giving her!) We were never the best of friends, but if my parents keep doing this, I doubt I'll be speaking to any of my family anymore. It's ridiculous how blind they are to the situation. My grandparents, visitors and family friends have commented on how unfair the difference in treatment is, but they are always dismissed!

rhyolite

Unregistered wrote: »

The course she wants to do is very specialist and it's true that it is one of the only places she can do it. She definitely didn't choose this university because of anything to do with me, but I wish she'd chosen a different one. The latest thing is that she's renting an apartment and my parents are pressuring me to live there with her as she's finding it hard to get a flatmate in. I knew this would happen!!! I have not spent the last few years scrimping and saving and dreaming of my year over there to end up living with a sister who treats me horribly!

I think some posters have the wrong end of the stick here - she has lived away for undergrad, in England, she's not a homebird or shy or anything. I suppose in a nutshell she's 'taken over' my idea - she's acting like it's all 'her' thing and has manipulated my parents into funding it with talk of how 'there's no jobs'. I have tried to tell them it's unfair but they just completely dismiss me, saying I'm spoiled and they've given me money in the past (not nearly as much as they'll be giving her!) We were never the best of friends, but if my parents keep doing this, I doubt I'll be speaking to any of my family anymore. It's ridiculous how blind they are to the situation. My grandparents, visitors and family friends have commented on how unfair the difference in treatment is, but they are always dismissed!

OP, in a way you're quite lucky - its the upside of the way you've been treated - having your own cash rather than being dependent on your parents means you can give your parents the big FO!

quite how any parent could possibly be unaware of the rank unfairness of their propsal - that two daughters live in same flat, one who has to work to pay the rent, the other having it paid for her by those parents - is utterly beyond me.

for two parents not be aware of it is outside the realms of possibility.

OP you, really, really need to think seriously about the motives these people - i'll not use the word 'family' - have towards you. then change university, ditch your SIM card in a river and not have any contact with them again.

sorry, but by no stretch of the imagination are these people friends of yours.

hatful

You'll be too busy with your course to give a damn what she is up to. Anyway if you do see her why not say a quick hello, would it kill you you are flesh and blood after all.

I do sympathize with you on the funding situation but has it ever occurred to you that your parents see you as the stable one therefore they don't feel like they have to support you whereas your sister seems pretty immature and less stable.

I know its tough but be the bigger person here.... that's really the only option that is left to you. Who knows when you get older you may find that there is a relationship there, people change.