OK to miss a holiday for a funeral?

siobhank

Hi
I need advice
Myself and my best friend booked a fantastic holiday ages ago - for over a month travelling throughout SE Asia. Flights, accom, tours etc all paid for. Heading next week.
Her auntie has just become suddenly ill with cancer, sadly. Her aunt is one of many family members and they are not especially close - I had never heard of the aunt untill last week. My friend has mentioned on the phone this evening that her aunt has taken a turn for the worse and she might die soon and that 'obviously, I would have to stay for the funeral'.
I said nothing and agreed but was kind of shocked. Not only would her holiday be ruined but so would mine - and neither of us have the money to give it up. I would understand if it was a parent or a close relative but she has been speaking about this aunt in a very blase fashion as they are not close and now she feels she would 'have to' stay home for the funeral if the aunt died?
Maybe I am being COMPLETELY selfish and rude and disrespectful etc. - what do you all think? I am very sorry for this woman's illness etc. but to be honest if my friend rings up the day before we go and says 'sorry, holiday's off' eh... I ain't going to be happy.

Need advice guys - ta.

Cormb

Hi

I would consider an aunt a close relative - and even if I wasn't terribly close to her I'd feel obliged to attend the funeral. But thats just me.

It might be that your friend feels obliged (by family attitudes, tradition or whatever) to be available to attend the funeral. Is there anyone else that could take her place on the holiday? It doesn't seem fair that your trip be spoilt as a result of these circumstances.


Regards
Cormb

LegacyUser

It's understandable to be hugely disappointed after hearing that, but I think you are being kind of selfish.

At the end of the day, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, family dynamics and relationships can be complicated and very different from person to person, family to family.

You say your friend speaks about this auntie in a very blase fashion and that you would understand her staying behind if it was a close family member....well have you thought that maybe your friend is staying behind to support another family member who is perhaps closer to this ill woman?

I know i have an uncle that i have/want very little to do with due to things he has done in the past but if he were to take very ill/die suddenly, I know I would be there for my auntie and cousin.

At the end of the day, your friend wouldnt give up this holiday for no good reason would she? If your friend has travel insurance she may be able to claim some of the money she paid for the holiday back.

Whats to stop you heading off by yourself? as you said you have hotels, tours and everything booked, it could be the holiday of your lifetime...with or without your friend.

kiwikid

i would think that I don't put off the living for the dead. Her auntie and parents may think differently tho.

Sinall

What would you do in her situation OP? In my own family, I would be expected to stay for the funeral, however, I don't think I would be expected to come home if an aunt died when I was away.

I completely understand where you are coming from but can't imagine your friend would be impressed if you were annoyed with her after her aunt died. She would feel that you should be supporting her and you would be upset if your holiday was ruined. Difficult situation. If it does happen would you be able to go on ahead and she could follow a few days later?

The Big Red Button

She may not be close to her aunt, but I think it's understandable that she would want to be there for her father/mother (whichever of them is the aunt's sibling!)

If I were you, I'd plan on going on the holiday alone. Nothing wrong with it, you'll meet other people there and have a great time. Otherwise, see if you can get another of your friends to come. If it ends up that your best friend does end up coming, it'll just be a bonus.

Alessandra

Sorry I think you are being a little selfish here.

Obviously your friend wants to go on this holiday as much as you having paid etc.

Imagine her predicament. Although not immediate, this is a close enough relative. Deaths in the family are tough and perhaps she needs to be there to support her parents/cousins? It would look rather inconsiderate at the funeral as well, when people ask "where's Mary", "ah she had to to go on her holidays".. Imagine if you were in her shoes?

I understand it's frustrating for you, but I would suggest that you have some sympathy for your friend and her family.

siobhank

well, can I add some info that is pertinent.
She (like my boyfriend - i am surrounded by them!) has a fear of flying.
She has cancelled 2 trips previously due to 'work' or 'illness' when I know it has been the plane at the last minute. Both were hen dos so there was no problem in being left on my tod.
I feel she is being a bit airy fairy - 'oh I would be expected to stay' and using it as an excuse.
I do feel that objectively I am being selfish but in fairness I was in New York when my grandad - who I was very close to - died. My family called and said they would be devastated if I came home, to go and say a prayer in a church for him, etc.
There are about 100 extended people in her family so I doubt she would be missed at a funeral.

dearg lady

Op I don't think you're being unreasonable or selfish. As you say, fair enough if it was a close relative, as in your friend was close to this woman, it's actually kind of irrelevant what the relationship is. Anyone I'm close to, I would be there for the funeral, otherwise not.

However, it's a month long hol, would she be able to change her flight and go out later or something? I would urge you to go anyway, even tho it's a bit scary goin away on your own, you really will meet many people and won't feel lonely.

Sinall

So basically you think she might use it as an excuse not to go? Unfortunately, even if you suspect that, there's not much you can do if her aunt dies.

Delaying her flight for a day or two, if her aunt dies before you go away, is a possible solution. Do you think she would want to come home if it happens when she is away? The obligations that people feel in relation to funerals differ from family to family. I would want to delay my flight if an aunt died before I went away. I would have to discuss it with my parents if it happened when I was away. You can't really expect her to make a call on it yet. And while I understand that your parents wanted you to stay in New York when their was a death in your family, her parents might feel different. The fact that there would be 100 people at the funeral wouldn't be much comfort to her family if it wasn't the people they wanted.

In relation to the fear of flying, a friend of mine has this and went to the doctor for some sedatives before she went to Australia - worked brilliantly apparently!

Alessandra

siobhank wrote: »

I do feel that objectively I am being selfish but in fairness I was in New York when my grandad - who I was very close to - died. My family called and said they would be devastated if I came home, to go and say a prayer in a church for him, etc.
There are about 100 extended people in her family so I doubt she would be missed at a funeral.

Sorry grief is very different for everyone. It's not even about showing your face really, but about paying your respects and sharing memories. Maybe this means more to her than your holiday?
I know I have uncles I rarely see but nonetheless they are my parents siblings and I would want to be there.


To say you think she is using the terminal illness of a close realtive as an excuse not to make your trip makes me wonder why on earth you are both going in the first place..

LegacyUser

She may not be close to her aunt but Im sure she is to her parents, so she could well stay just to support them, your being very selfish imo.

Also your travel insurance usually has a clause where you can claim for cancellation due to family berievement, worth looking into.

siobhank

Sinall wrote: »

The obligations that people feel in relation to funerals differ from family to family.

I think this is the answer, basically! My family would have a totally different view and I suppose it might seem selfish to some of you.

The Big Red Button

If her aunt died the day before the holiday, and she agreed to go with you even though she really felt she should go to the funeral, she'll have a completely sh!t holiday and therefore you probably will too. In that case you'd be better to go by yourself.

Simon201

Upon initial reading of the OP's post I kinda thought yeah it's a tough one. But a couple of things spring to mind.
1. A funeral and wake are surely only going to last a couple of days at the most. Why does that have to ruin her whole month on holiday (and yours of course)
2.Why couldn't she just return for the funeral if and when it happens. Yeah it's gonna cost, but you could lose out on what you've already paid for the holiday if it's cancelled.

But then again, as others have suggested, could she be realising this is an opportunity to avoid going on holiday. Still strange, if she stands to lose what she's paid on it as well.

Seraphina

No, you're not being selfish at all, the woman isn't even dead yet, and she's already planning on using it as an excuse to back out.

However, this is also partially your fault, why book a holiday with only one other person, who you know has a fear of flying and has backed out on trips on two previous occasions? You probably should have thought it through better

siobhank

well, she has paid for two weekends before and given up at the last minute.
TBH if we go and the aunt dies midway through she ain't gonna go home. I know that. I know her.
Hence my annoyance at this to-ing and fro-ing about going in the first place.
Again, she is NOT close to this aunt. There are millions of them in the family. ten or eleven siblings on each side.

I booked the holiday because she suggested it! Never would have thought she'd try to get out of it - maybe was silly of me but come on - she is thinking of herself and nobody else if the flying is the problem - it's my holiday too!!

Oh The Humanity

She's full of it. But she knows you can't argue with her reason.

Get someone else to go or go on your own.

She has already let people down before so she's unreliable and also a disgrace for using the poor womans illness in her favour.

Leitrim lass

Sounds like she is using it as an excuse to back out. expect to go on your own and that way it's a bonus if she goes and if she backs out you won't be a nervous wreck heading off.
I have traveled alone in south east asia years ago and it was ok.
Buy yourself a copy of the lonely planet and familiarize yourself with the customs and stuff before you go. Even if the places you have booked don't have many westerners(which I'm sure they will have) staying you will find in the lonely planet where they are likely to hang out; bars etc.
Another thing which I have never done but a friend of mine did is advertise in 'wanderlust' magazine for a travel buddy or log on to thorntree.lonelyplanet.com and ask in their forums if there is anybody travelling in that part who you could hook up with.
If I were you I would say nicely to my friend that although you are sympathetic for her aunt if there is any way that she is using this as an excuse of her fear of flying could she let you know NOW because it is unfair to leave you high and dry the last minute and you would like to arrange to go with somebody who IS interested in going.
she shouldn't take offence because she knows exactly what she is doing!

Bottle_of_Smoke

You should have been aware it was possible someone with a fear of flying might back out of a holiday with such a long flight. I certainly wouldn't have depended on them.

On the other hand, its the type of holiday you can do on your own and have just as good a time(if not better)

Saucey-Susie

siobhank wrote: »

well, she has paid for two weekends before and given up at the last minute.
TBH if we go and the aunt dies midway through she ain't gonna go home. I know that. I know her.
Hence my annoyance at this to-ing and fro-ing about going in the first place.
Again, she is NOT close to this aunt. There are millions of them in the family. ten or eleven siblings on each side.

I booked the holiday because she suggested it! Never would have thought she'd try to get out of it - maybe was silly of me but come on - she is thinking of herself and nobody else if the flying is the problem - it's my holiday too!!

im fifty fifty on this. on one hand i can understand why you would be upset and annoyed with her. she could always go away, and if she was to pass away while you are away, sshe can come back for a week and fly back out, depending on how far into your holiday you are.

but on the other hand, if she wants to stay, you cant be angry with her. i know she has a huge family and she may not be close to her aunt but personally if that was me and if my aunt died, no matter how close i would be to her, i would feel i would have to go, to support the family and pay my respects. this is not something that she should regret and spend the rest of her life regretting she wasnt at the funeral just because of a holiday

Nevyn

This is why people get holiday insurance.
IF she can't go then find somene else who can take her place or check if you can cancel/claim against holiday insurance.

siobhank

ok, kind of feel guilty because I don't think I thought this through before posting, but just heard aunt died this evening.
So, em, problem over. Thanks for your insights.

jen_23

siobhank wrote: »

ok, kind of feel guilty because I don't think I thought this through before posting, but just heard aunt died this evening.
So, em, problem over. Thanks for your insights.

I know you said your 'problem' is over however, you said this friend is afraid of flying? So she may try another excuse so be prepared for it.

I have a fear of flying myself and have decided this is to be my last year on a long haul anywhere as I'm beginning to get nightmares at the thought of having to be on a plane for 11 hours.

However, I still wouldn't leave the people I'm going with down nor lose the money I paid! Instead I went to my doctor and got some sedatives which have eased my mind a bit.

Maybe you could talk to your friend say you know she's afraid and maybe sedatives/sleeping pills might help her for the flights??

LegacyUser

Your friend is mad to even consider staying behind for her aunt, and ruining both your holidays.
1) The aunt will probably not even die in the next month anyway
2) There are loads of other relatives there so 1 person will not be missed
3) Even if she does go to the funeral it's a bit pointless, cos the aunt will not come to hers, which is quite selfish no?

My grandmother was gravely ill for the last 5 years of her life. I still managed 2 one-year trips around the world, and she was still here for 2 years after I came back. Do you think I would have been better waiting around those 5 years 'just in case'? Hell no.

siobhank

no, she will get on the flight because I will guilt her into it.
Couldn't have said anything about the aunt but now that the funeral will be over when we go she knows well she has to get on the plane.
Or at least I hope so!!!

jen_23

siobhank wrote: »

no, she will get on the flight because I will guilt her into it.

lol. have a great holiday!

UnderpantsGnome

Regarding the whole "they weren't even that close" argument, it's entirely possibe that your friend's first thoughts aren't of her aunt but rather her mother/father who is losing their sister.

davmol

I havent read every post on this thread so forgive me if i repeat something already said.
SImilar position happened me a few year ago a friends relative got diagnosed with cancer and the friend,lets call him tom, decided to go .The relative never passed away during the time limit she was given and lived a good bit after.Tom came back much happier and hadnt been emersed in the sadness of the moment and was able to be much stronger for all his family.thats just that case and may or may not be the outcome of your situation OP.Its up to the friend to chose.
Another poster mentioned insurance and thats true for the realtive,they can get some if not all the expnses back if they have adequate insurance.You on the other hand are not related so dont qualify.
Sorry,be theres no way in hell id stay here and lose all youve paid,in the current climate considering how unfamiliar your friend is to her relative,immediate relative or not.

1071823928

i think if you have insurance it is possible to get a half refund or something from a travel agents but it really depends on them, also would you not ask someone else to go away with you as then you only have to pay a change the name fee which isnt thst much and least you'd still get a holiday.

or else go on your own its not that bad, least you get your holiday and you'll meet people over there anyway!

castle

The Aunt would not want you to miss this trip, your friend backed you into a corner now you need to reverse back out and quick.
Tell her that you are going on the holiday and she needs to decide for herself if she want to come along.
I think she may see this as a way of getting out of the trip.
Is their anyone else who can go in her place.
Please make sure you go you will find out so much about yourself and will not have a monkey on your back,she will be back in Ireland.What I will say you girls will never be the same if she does not go on this holiday and maybe that is a good thing .

Silverfish

Thread closed as the issue is resolved.