Ex dating best friend

LegacyUser

I am with my boyfriend 6 years - I had an affair on him 3 years ago- which I told him about and he forgave.

This guy I had the affair with never left me alone - I had to change numbers several times because of him but he always got it. I eventually got rid of my mobile. Then I was out in a club 2 weeks ago and he was there, started following me around begging me to talk to him. I just got mad and screamed "What? What the hell do you want?" Then he got on one knee and said "I love you marry me" I just told him to get lost and leave me the hell alone.

Then my best friend tells me she has a new bf and will I meet him - I said yes of course, so I went to the pub to meet them- and she is dating him, the guy who I had the affair with - who followed me around the club. My mate knows I had an affair but never knew who it was and she has no idea about our past.

I told my bf about it (I tell him everything) and he got mad and said it was v obvious he was only dating her to get to me. This guy knew what she looked like theres pics of her all over my flat - she’s my oldest friend.

I don’t know what to do here. My friends on about going on double dates etc and if I say no she will ask why. I don’t want her hurt she’s been through a lot and suffers from depression

Any advice would be great

LegacyUser

This guy is using her tell her quick before she gets hurt

Otis Driftwood

Seriously OP,you have to tell her.

About the affair,the stalking(thats what it was)the following you around,the proposal,everything.

This guy is not the full shilling and she deserves to know.
What she chooses to do after that is her own business.

Mike...

Thats a bit weird....prob best u tell her the story

the_syco

mehmehmeh wrote: »

I don’t know what to do here. My friends on about going on double dates etc and if I say no she will ask why. I don’t want her hurt she’s been through a lot and suffers from depression

Any advice would be great

He's probably the one suggesting it. It'll make you look bad, and he may drive he to hate you. Actually, from the sound of him, I'd say he has already put doubts into her mind.

LegacyUser

nedtheshed wrote: »

Seriously OP,you have to tell her.

i want to- but she has had the worst year, her dad died- her mam BLAMED her for the death, one of her "friends" stole from her, shes in councelling as she was raped by a family member when she was ten and has tried to kill herself before

She said herself this is the only good thing to happen to her latley, i dont want to have her hurt

Bottle_of_Smoke

mehmehmeh wrote: »

i want to- but she has had the worst year, her dad died- her mam BLAMED her for the death, one of her "friends" stole from her, shes in councelling as she was raped by a family member when she was ten and has tried to kill herself before

She said herself this is the only good thing to happen to her latley, i dont want to have her hurt

Cop on. You know she's going to find out eventually. If you don't tell her he will if he feels it can get a reaction from you. He might be entering the "well if I can't have her I'll try ruin her life a bit" stage.

You say its a "good thing" to happen to her? A guy who's only seeing her to get to you is a "good thing"? Grow a pair and text her right now.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You say its a "good thing" to happen to her? A guy who's only seeing her to get to you is a "good thing"? Grow a pair and text her right now.

why dont you learn to read . I DIDNT SAY THAT ITS A GOOD THING. i said she said its a good thing. get your facts straight . I dont want my friends death on my back

the_syco

mehmehmeh wrote: »

i want to- but she has had the worst year, her dad died- her mam BLAMED her for the death, one of her "friends" stole from her, shes in councelling as she was raped by a family member when she was ten and has tried to kill herself before

She said herself this is the only good thing to happen to her latley, i dont want to have her hurt

OP: when he finds this out, and he probably will, do you think think, after he has stalked you, etc, will just let you go gracefully? I can see this one ending painfully either way.

GAAman

mehmehmeh wrote: »

why dont you learn to read . I DIDNT SAY THAT ITS A GOOD THING. i said she said its a good thing. get your facts straight . I dont want my friends death on my back

Are you for real? You think this is as serious as this guy is a threat to her in any way and you are askin a bunch of strangers on the internet what to do? You know damn well what to do you call her, get her to meet you alone somewhere and tell her the WHOLE story. If she has doubt get your boyfriend to corroborate what he can and get her to give this guy the elbow

LegacyUser

op If you tell you will look bad. but if you dont tell y and he does something she will get really angry down the line from now.

The fact that she has had a bad year makes her even more vulnerable.

LegacyUser

OP you are in a mess of your own making and I do not mean to be harsh.

You were the one who had the affair. Do you have any reason to believe he is stalking you or indeed knew who your friend was.

You have 2 options which are to leave it alone but do not accept any invitations and phase her out of your life or to tell her how you know the ex.

IMO you are being melodramatic especially with saying that you do not want her death on your back and how you went home to tell your boyfriend everything after meeting him.

This seems to be all about you.

I do accept that you have said your friend suffers depression, a bereavement, a cruel mother and sexual abuse. Do you think you are adding to it in any way. You can say no to invitations.

You do not say if your friend is attending any form of therapy or counselling but if she is you could contact the counsellor and relate the events and see what they suggest.

Otherwise my instinct is that you should not get involved in any way.

LegacyUser

TELL YOUR FRIEND. She may not take it well but you have to risk that. This guy is a stalker and after 3 years he is still hanging around trying to get your attention. This is not normal and this guy has problems. Your friend will find out exactly what sort of problems she is dealing with in time in this relationship, and may well be hurt by him. Then you will ask yourself, and she will also ask you "why didnt you tell me before?" Show him up for what he is, he is doing this because he is banking on you keeping stum!

Miss Fluff

mehmehmeh wrote: »

why dont you learn to read . I DIDNT SAY THAT ITS A GOOD THING. i said she said its a good thing. get your facts straight . I dont want my friends death on my back

I think your attitude stinks, you have appallingly bad manners and you might like to reign the aggression in a little if people are giving you good advice with good intentions.

It is glaringly obvious that you have to tell your friend your history with this person. These things ALWAYS have a habit of being discovered anyway so best do it now before she gets even more attached to him.

ManOfMystery

Tell your friend now = he's the new guy on the scene, she might like him so will be a bit disappointed but will ultimately be glad to know and will move on and she'll be glad you didn't keep this a secret from her

Tell your friend in 6 months = still tough for you but will be even harder on your friend as she may have a huge emotional investment in this guy by then.

Do the right thing and tell her now

seahorse

You'd want to be telling your friend the whole story right now; otherwise she'll be adding 'betrayed by best friend' to the list of maladies she's had to contend with in the last year.

Saucey-Susie

mehmehmeh wrote: »

i want to- but she has had the worst year, her dad died- her mam BLAMED her for the death, one of her "friends" stole from her, shes in councelling as she was raped by a family member when she was ten and has tried to kill herself before

She said herself this is the only good thing to happen to her latley, i dont want to have her hurt

Two weeks ago he was following you around in a pub asking you to marry him... how long has she been with him for?

You have to tell her! I understand her life has been extremely hard in the past but if you tell her now, yeah she will be upset but she can move on, instead of emotionally investing in this relationship and finding out 6 months to a year or however long down the line that he was using her to get to you and that you had an idea what he was doing and you never told her

she would then lose him and probably you too

Saucey-Susie

and she isnt going to kill herself cos a guy that she saw for a couple of weeks is a weirdo that is stalking her friend!
maybe a few months down the line when she finds out he did this to get to you and you never told her, that could start her back into a depression again.

either way, tell her, be there for her and you both can move on
the longer you wait the harder and worse the outcome will be

JonathanAnon

You have to sit her down and tell her before she gets in too deep.

Oh The Humanity

You're gonna have to tell her.

She is gonna be fuming/confused/humiliated the works.....sh1t!

He is a pr1ck. Get your fella maybe to back you up or she might not accept the truth and start throwing it in your face....thinking its not true and you are trying to p1$$ in her chips the one time she gets a bit of luck....

He is a tool. Pathetic a$$.