So sad for my mum

LegacyUser

hi i write now is a very sad mood.

i've just got back on my laptop now after the last 4 hours of hell.

to put a long story short, my dad he is making life terrible for everyone in my family but especially my mum. he doesn't work(not unemployed) and its my mum on our own keeping the house together. for my mum she wished she had a proper husband to help her but she wouldn't care if everything in the house was right, but unfortunately my dad has a very very bad side. i love the man, but it kills me seeing my mum living such a crappy life when she deserves the world.

today i got in a big fight with my dad, he has mega mood swings, one minute he would be in good mood, the next it completely changes. i was helping him lift out wood into the front garden when my neighbour asked me to help them doing something, so i said yeah, anyway i walked back in and the first thing i said way 'janey you probably think i dissapeared' in a joking manner, anyway he reacted with this sort of 'you're against me' rant, he is very like this, i believe my dad suffers from extreme paranoia and he is self obsessed and very one dimensional. i said back to him 'seriously dad you'd want to get your act together'' as he walked up the stairs anyway when i went into the room, he began insulting me(he always does this to anybody who happens to be in his vicinity when he gets 'down') because this is regular enough, and has become even more frequent over the past month i got completely fed up with the bashing, the fact that no matter what anybody does you'll never be right, and i said to him ' you really are ****ing idiot you know that', anyway he lifted up a tool and through it at me hitting my face, he tried to run after me but i sped down the stairs.

i stayed there until my mum got home and had planned on just telling her but when she came in she seen my face and asked me what was wrong? i lost it...''mum i hate him i hate him'' i seen the sadness on her face, she tries so hard and as i said i wish i could give her the best')

he was standing at the top of the stairs listening in, and when i finished my rant he came down the stairs 'hello ________ how are you''-in a real false way, anyway my mum replied in a dejected manner ''yeah im great''..so he said whats wrong? she said i want to know what went on here today, he like a little spoilt baby start whinging that i don't do anything and called him all the names under the sun, but my mum knew i try to keep things as good as possible and that i was in a lose lose situation. naturally she defended me but my dad can't take this, he had a really weird childhood, his dad didn't really involve himself with him and cheated on his mother and at the time that was pretty big in ireland, he is middle aged but with the maturity of a 5 year old. he berated in to my mum and i couldnt take this so i said 'here listen buddy your the one who makes the home so ****''...he chased me out the back but then locked the door. i could see my mum going a bit beserk so she decided to 'play the game' so shouted at me saying things he wanted to hear(it was like a parody) my dad knew she was being ironic and start insulting her with the worst names that she never ever deserves and he pushed her in the kitchen door and kneed her in the back, i tried to break open the door, and when i went around i seen him slapping her over the head this killed me, i just wanted her to get out of the house, she then got up and went into the hall but he grabbed her by the back of the neck...not sure what happened because i couldn't see, but anyway she eventually got out.

we then went for a walk but because we are so used to this by now( 2 incidents: when i was 12 i rang the guards on him and one night my mum came home to see my dad punching me because a table fell) we took it in our stride. when we got back home my dad was there still(like always) and he said i couldnt get into the house and told my mum to get in....my mum said stop acting like a child, he then got enraged, and started the insults again, anyway i was delirous as he made a complete show of my mum out on the road, so we walked again anyway he came around in his car and told my mum to get in, she refused...he was acting demented 'GET INTO THE ****ING CAR NOW'' my mum kept declining but eventually when he said for me to get into the car she pleaded with me to get in so i did, anyway one final batch of insults and it was over....

so that was my ordeal.

i dont care about me, its my mum i care about. its not fair that she is the mother and provider for the house but is not respected by my dad, who i can never remember working. he has nothing to keep him occupied except DIY.

where do we go from here? what can we do? please please just give me advice.

thanks

LegacyUser

Funnily enough OP I could have written most of that myself. My Dad sounds the exact same. Doesn't work [he "farms"] and mum works part time. He complains she doesn't pay for anything but yet she buys all the food and bills. He's very controlling, suspicious and paranoid about everything. He doesn't see why anybody else would like to enjoy a laugh, or lose weight, - he'd be suspicious. "What do you want to do that for?"

He often swears, curses, insults anybody who says anything against him. I'm jealous of people who have a good relationship with their parents as he's like a stranger to me. I'd never tell him a joke, or tell him if i was worried about anything. We don't have any sort of relationship that a father/daughter should have. i've told mum to leave - she's admitted they have no relationship - but she wouldn't have money to leave. They've never really been compatible. I don't remember them being happy.

They had me when they were young and Catholic ethos of that time I suppose forced them to get married and stay together. They're not paying a mortgage/rent and if she moved out she'd have nowhere to go. I wish she would. She's only mid 40s and I think the world of her. She could do SO much better. She'd be much happier and better on her own.

Don't know what advice I can offer you, I'd be interested to hear some advice myself. I used to get involved in the fights and try and protect my mum. Now I don't bother. I roll my eyes when he's off on another rant. She does get upset sometimes though. This bothers me. I just feel like I can't be bothered with him anymore. He doesn't realise how good he has it.

WindSock

That's a terrible situation to be in, OP. It sounds like your Dad has some mental problems. Has he ever been to see anyone or been diagnosed with anything? You say he has paranoia. If it is an extreme form you need to be careful in dealing with him. It is an awful condition.

Unregistered wrote: »

i could see my mum going a bit beserk so she decided to 'play the game' so shouted at me saying things he wanted to hear(it was like a parody)

Just reading this bit here, I would advise you not to 'play the game'. It only makes things a lot worse.
He needs help, and it may help if you and your Mother get a better understanding of the condition aswell. While some of his behaviour seems inexcuseable, it will help you all to get some support before you are all broken by it.

Nevyn

http://www.womensaid.ie/

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

You need to look into getting help for yourself and your mother.
Really no one should have to live with that.

Latchy

You or your mum should not become human punchbags at the whim of your dad OP .He needs help and you need outside help and support ASAP .

LegacyUser

hi thanks for your swift reply. about paranoia im not sure if its actually that but when ever he is angry he always comes out with 'you're talking to him behind my back' i think he thinks me and mum are conspiring against him why i dont know. i know this sounds like paranoia but i dont think it is but very likely another mental problem probably developed from his childhood.

just to say i do love my dad, hes a taxi man, but never goes out in it, he can be funny and 80% of the time he's grand but sometimes i don't know if the good side is just a facade. he has a lot of daemons i think, and takes his problems out on us. violence is not something he would do often, that was the first time i remember him touching my mum but i can recall other occassions when i was younger(tough saying this ) but he has terrible mood swings put it this way my mum is under terrible pressure to keep everything right with him so he won't be 'down'

LadyJ

OP, I think your dad needs anger management and therapy. If you and your mum can't persuade him to do this and his behaviour continues then I suggest applying for a safety order under the Domestic Violence Act. This doesn't remove him from your home but it does make it illegal for him to use violence or harrass you. The judge may even be able to make therapy/anger management mandatory for him under the conditions of the order.

I know it's not a nice idea to have to take your dad to court but in the long run it will help you and your mother and hopefully your dad too.

loadngo

Hi O.P you are very brave to support your Mam no one deserves to live like this is there a family member or family friend you could talk to maybe a friends Mam or Dad you have nothing to be ashamed of i am sure your Mam is very proud of you and wants better too but thinks its easier to stay maybe you could have a private chat with your Mam and you could both go to your G.P. or extended family and confide in them

Womans Aid are a fantastic group who can and will offer support i know what its is like to grow up in a house like this always walking on egg shells never knowing whats going to happen next are you in Dublin if you are i will get you some contat numbers its easy for people to say dont play the game but when you like in a home like this its easier said than done

If you want to send me a private message feel free i know it can feel very lonely but you are not alone there are lots of people going through the same thing it will get better you have made the first step by opening up here.

Best of luck

loadngo

Hi again O.P

Here are a couple of web sites that might help

www.childline.ie Phone number 1800 66 66 66

www.spunout.ie

www.headstrong.ie

All of the above should be a little help dont be afraid to ring Childline they are trained porfessionals who will just listen to you when you need to talk as far as i know its a FREE number.

Be safe and remember if at anytime you feel you or your Mam are in danger call the Gardai on 999 trust me they will take you seriously and will be very understanding

Again best of luck

LegacyUser

LadyJ wrote: »

OP, I think your dad needs anger management and therapy. If you and your mum can't persuade him to do this and his behaviour continues then I suggest applying for a safety order under the Domestic Violence Act. This doesn't remove him from your home but it does make it illegal for him to use violence or harrass you. The judge may even be able to make therapy/anger management mandatory for him under the conditions of the order.

I know it's not a nice idea to have to take your dad to court but in the long run it will help you and your mother and hopefully your dad too.

I sympathize with your situation. I feel for you and also for your mother. Your mam knows how to 'play the game' because that is what women in violent relationships have to do to survive on a daily basis. Im sorry he has now turned his violence on you. This may well be the turning point for you mother, I hope it is. Women's Aid are fantastic and they are only a phone call away. They understand how you and your mother is feeling. Your mother can have your father removed from the home. Because he has been violent to her she can apply to the family law court for a barring order. This will take approx 3 months to come to court. In the meantime she can get an interim barring order, which will be effective immediately after leaving the court room. You should speak with your mother and tell her honestly how you feel. Your safety, and her's are what is important here.

bronte

Please contact people at the links Thaedydal and loadngo provided.
You don't have to put up with this, nor does your mum who you clearly love to bits.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.
Your dad is ill and needs treatment.
You and your mum however don't need to endure any more abuse.
You have my complete sympathy

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

my brother is the same as your father. he has borderline personality disorder and severe depression. he was always a bit off the wall - most of hte time he was ok, you could live with it. the other times though... jesus. he is paranoid, angry, depressed, sometimes violent, completely irrational. basically the same as your dad. he cracked one night and threw his Fiance off the wall and i think would have killed her if my dad wasn't there to stop him. his outbursts got worse over time but then all of a sudden seem to escalate really quickly.

we went to the doctor and they committed him. it was the best thing that ever happened to him. he is now on medication and seeing a psychiatrist as an outpatient. it has been a very very long and difficult road but things are getting better. i have a brother for the first time in my life.

what i am trying to say is the first thing you need to do is talk to your mother and get her to admit that this is a problem (this was the hardest thing for me to do, my mother was sort of in denial about it) and has to be tackled head on. next step go to his doctor and have a full and frank conversation with him/her and take their advice on where next to go. do not let matters lie. things will only get worse.

good luck OP.