Met ex with new wife and family

LegacyUser

I saw my ex last week in town with his wife and two year old twin girls. I can't stop
thinking about him since. Its over twelve years, we were engaged. I ended it as I didn't want to get married to him. I loved him but was not in love with him. The sexual attraction was not there. I do not think it was ever there but I ignored that as I liked him and thought it would come in time. That was the main reason I split from him. He was very upset as I was. It was very hard for both of us. He was a great emotional support, very funny and affectionate and I missed him terribly at the start. It would have been easier to stay with him. I was happy for him when I heard he had got married. Its only when I saw him with his wife and twin girls last week that I really began looking back. Since then I have had a few short relationships the chemistry has been better, they ended it mostly. I havn't met anyone who loved me like he did. He would have done anything for me and was so funny. I know he will be a wonderful father. I looked over old photographs yesterday evening and cried my eyes out. I'm still upset today. I am genuinely happy for him but now I'm being selfish and thinking did I make a mistake? I know I can never turn back the clock, he is married now etc but I just feel sick inside now.. it's over 12 years... did i do the right thing?

J Peterman

Unregistered wrote: »

... did i do the right thing?

Ah you poor kid!

To your question, well heck, there's really no way to know the answer to that, is there? Maybe you'd have married him and had your own twin girls and just been miserable, hurting all four of you.

I'd say you were just feeling a bit lonely when you saw them out in town, and it caught you at a bad time. Don't beat yourself up over it - you'll feel better soon.

kittenkiller

Don't torture yourself by going over all the could have and what if's.

We'd all go made if we dedicated time to that.

You did the right thing for you. You're happy for him but sad for what might have been.

If you stayed with him and ended up married and with kids before you were ready and with someone that you felt wasn't for you, you'd regret it 100 times more than you regret ending things now.

Move on and try not to dwell.
You'll be fine.

fred funk }{

I loved him but was not in love with him. The sexual attraction was not there.

Looks like he had a lucky escape TBH. If he had married you he would have been in a loveless marriage with maybe a few kids, it would have been a lot worse for him in the end.

Oh The Humanity

Yes you did the right thing. If the sexual chemistry wasn't there you two would never have lasted so you had no choice!

Listen when you bump into a family like that all looking happy on a day out it can get you thinking. You wouldn't be human if you didn't but don't forget no-one'e marriage is perfect.

Maybe he looked at you and thought, my God she is just as great as ever and idealised the past too.

Decisions made at the time were made with the best information you had at the time. Seeing people you once loved with kids is strange but beleive me you will forget about it in a few days.

There is something great and perfect coming for you. Believe that because it will.

Mayoegian

Unregistered wrote: »

I saw my ex last week in town with his wife and two year old twin girls. I can't stop
thinking about him since. Its over twelve years, we were engaged. I ended it as I didn't want to get married to him. I loved him but was not in love with him. The sexual attraction was not there. I do not think it was ever there but I ignored that as I liked him and thought it would come in time. That was the main reason I split from him. He was very upset as I was. It was very hard for both of us. He was a great emotional support, very funny and affectionate and I missed him terribly at the start. It would have been easier to stay with him. I was happy for him when I heard he had got married. Its only when I saw him with his wife and twin girls last week that I really began looking back. Since then I have had a few short relationships the chemistry has been better, they ended it mostly. I havn't met anyone who loved me like he did. He would have done anything for me and was so funny. I know he will be a wonderful father. I looked over old photographs yesterday evening and cried my eyes out. I'm still upset today. I am genuinely happy for him but now I'm being selfish and thinking did I make a mistake? I know I can never turn back the clock, he is married now etc but I just feel sick inside now.. it's over 12 years... did i do the right thing?

Of course it was the right thing to do. You even said yourself thatyou hadnt thought about him much til you saw him with his wife, which shows you were never in love with him-you said that too.

The reasoning you have for staying with him at that time was that he really loved you, but you werent in love with him. Sure you loved him, enjoyed his company, and his qualities, but a relationship cannot be suspended by the love of only one person-it's not enough. Therefore, you made the right decision.

I think that the only reason you are sad and upset about this is because you aren't with anyone at the moment and you are feeling lonely. You would prefer to be with this man, in a cosy relationship now, but as Shakespeare said 'All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed'. This means that even though the thought of being with this man and mother of his children would be lovely, would you really be happy? i dont think so...

LegacyUser

original poster here, thank you all so much for your replies, I am feeling much better about things

fred funk - yes you are probably right, I was aware of that too when I was breaking up with him, I felt I was being unfair to him at the time and that he deserved more.

Thank you all so much. All of your comments have given me food for thought and were very re assuring. Yes I might be a bit lonely atm, hadn't realised it as am near friends and family but I havn't had a boyfriend in a year and half so maybe that's what it was, I was just surprised how I could cry over my ex after 12 years...

CDfm

Its hindsight - your expectation was that there was something better out there for you. Its a fallacy or illusion because you are looking at it based on your feelings now in the present.

At the time you felt differently and as others rightly point out you felt dissatisfied and would have brought that in to the relationship so your relationship with him would not nesscessarily be the same.

So on balance for him what has happened is the best possible outcome and while at the moment you feel weepy you still might find that passionate relationship and if not will know that you have tried or if Mr Almost comes along you might not be so critical.So it probably was the right decision for you also.

You could not predict the outcome.

LegacyUser

OP here again,

I just wonder if people can get around or have got around the lack of sexual attraction in a relationship. I never really clicked physically with him compared to other guys I have kissed but maybe we could have got around that, otherwise he was a fantastic, kind, funny, supportive, affectionate, caring guy that I loved so much

LegacyUser

Just saw your reply CD fm - I posted two replies before I saw your reply

thank you, that is a good point, I am looking at it based on my feelings now, I did think at the time that it wasn't right and I would be settling, yes maybe if I had found that passionate relationship with all the other qualities, I wouldn't be upset now,

I sound like I'm looking for perfection - I'm not, just the passion was not there and it wasn't fair to him or me to continue it I felt but it would have been so much easier not to have broken up as I found it incredibly hard and so did he, we were so used to eachother and emotionally dependant in a way, the main thing I always wanted from it was for him to be happy, i was very happy for him when I heard he got married, made me think a bit but I wasn't jealous or anything, I said to myself when I broke up with him that I wanted him to find someone first that I did not want to hurt him by dating someone if he was single - i waited four years before I snogged someone, i felt so guilty about going out with him so long when it obviously wasn't right, he was dating within a year and I didnt mind, I was happy for him and it made me feel less guilty,

Nevyn

Honestly it is not about your feeling for him or for that relationship it is that he has progressed and is in a type of committed relationship which you are not in yet yourself.

You are questioning how he has managed that you have not yet, if you were happy in a serious relationship yourself you would not have as many doubts.

LegacyUser

OP here again

ment to say part of why I broke up with him was that I was afraid too if we got married
and later fell for someone else as it was not right between us, but I just wonder if I had discussed it properly with him but I didn't want to hurt him, like how do you say to someone you love, I don't fancy you, it was so hard,
I sort of said it but not really, maybe if i had discussed it with him we could have worked
at it? given all his other good qualities

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again

ment to say part of why I broke up with him was that I was afraid too if we got married
and later fell for someone else as it was not right between us................
I sort of said it but not really, maybe if i had discussed it with him we could have worked
at it? given all his other good qualities

You probably said enough and he probably understood it too -intuition kicks in-he knew. It seems to me that your motives were right and not selfish.

It wasn't the right time for you as you were still looking and would have been still looking.

Firetrap

You did the right thing, even if there was a lot of hurt at the time. Hopefully your ex is now happily married and is glad that you set him free so that he could marry someone who suited him better.

I think a lot of us do wonder from time to time about exes and missed opportunities when we are single and feeling a bit lonely. You might be looking at things through rose tinted glasses too. You can't say for sure that you would be happy now if you had gone through with the wedding.

Hopefully Mr Right will come along for you soon. You sound like a good person who's just not been lucky in love since then.

Moomoo1

Unregistered wrote: »

I just wonder if I had discussed it properly with him but I didn't want to hurt him, like how do you say to someone you love, I don't fancy you, it was so hard,
I sort of said it but not really, maybe if i had discussed it with him we could have worked
at it?

It's really impossible to say whether it was a mistake or not at this stage, 12 years later.

If it were 12 months and you were having second thoughts, that would be different: then you could argue that you took the good sides of him for granted whilst with him and being without him was actually worse than being with him on the balance of things. But to think this after 12 years would suggest that it's not him you want, it's just someone to get settled and have children with...

(off-topic: this is any dumped bf's dream btw: to walk with a nice happy family past the person who dumped him and is having regrets)

LegacyUser

OP, I do know how you are feeling. I finished with my ex fiance almost 10 years ago and sometimes wonder if I made the right move. He was the safe option and has recently moved on and married someone else - dont know if they have kids yet. My OH doesnt want kids and in any event it may be too late for me but I sometimes wonder would I have been better off marrying him anyway.

In reality, given the length of time that has passed you dont really know who he is now. He is a different person to the boyfriend you had and this has helped me move on and realise how lucky I am.

I think a lot of it is down to loneliness so its time for you to get out and about and meet Mr Right. Good luck and it was not a mistake.. It was the best thing you could have done at the time.

LegacyUser

OP here again, just to add, at the time he begged me to change my mind, he wouldn't accept it initially. He asked me if I was sure a year later before he started dating again. I said I was and was glad he was going dating as it eased my guilt over wasting his time. I did wonder though when he started dating steady less than a year afterwards if he really loved me in the first place how could he move on so quickly?

LegacyUser

OP here again! sorry

last unresolved issue,

I think seeing him with his wife and twin girls made me realise that they are now
the receipients of his love and kindness and i hate to admit it but i think i am envious
of them, before i was the one he showered love and kindness on, it made me think
back, he used to call me his girl... i think seeing him with the twins made me realise
he's gone from me for ever, i have tears in my eyes now writing that, i havn't cried over
him for years, i don't know what's wrong with me, maybe he was for me after all, maybe i
will find that attraction but all the other good qualities of a relationship won't be there
such as loyalty and kindness, fun, emotional support, i sound so petty now i realise saying im envious of them in a way that he's lost to me for ever. but i am happy for him, i hated hurting him so much at the time but maybe i should have discussed it and tried more before breaking up, i knew it would be hard to meet someone that treated me like he did

Moomoo1

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again, just to add, at the time he begged me to change my mind, he wouldn't accept it initially. He asked me if I was sure a year later before he started dating again. I said I was and was glad he was going dating as it eased my guilt over wasting his time. I did wonder though when he started dating steady less than a year afterwards if he really loved me in the first place how could he move on so quickly?

because people have to move on, and a year is a very long time. Doesn't mean he didn't love you, but if you've been unsuccessfully trying for a year to get someone back you have to draw the line at some point.

kavoweb

hear me out.....tough love alert.....you need to suck it up...... life is not a rehearsel. if you were in a happy relationship at the time you saw them together,you more than likely would have been happy(GENUINELY) for him. please just move on and focus all your energies on finding contentment...... he is history. good luck.

Moomoo1

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again! sorry

last unresolved issue,

I think seeing him with his wife and twin girls made me realise that they are now
the receipients of his love and kindness and i hate to admit it but i think i am envious
of them, before i was the one he showered love and kindness on, it made me think
back, he used to call me his girl... i think seeing him with the twins made me realise
he's gone from me for ever, i have tears in my eyes now writing that, i havn't cried over
him for years, i don't know what's wrong with me, maybe he was for me after all, maybe i
will find that attraction but all the other good qualities of a relationship won't be there
such as loyalty and kindness, fun, emotional support, i sound so petty now i realise saying im envious of them in a way that he's lost to me for ever. but i am happy for him, i hated hurting him so much at the time but maybe i should have discussed it and tried more before breaking up, i knew it would be hard to meet someone that treated me like he did

I wouldn't worry about hurting him: it really sounds like you were hurt by the whole thing much more than he was. He was back to normal within a year, whereas you took 4 years to touch another man and are still having regrets now!

But in spite of all that hurt you didn't want to go back to him... which once again suggests that you wanted (and still want) someone like him (and with attraction present), not him per se.

LegacyUser

thank you for your replies really appreciate the advice

Kavoweb - yes you are probably right - i don't know i didnt find it hard other times when e was single e.g. when i heard he got married, it made me think but i was happy for him. it was seeing him with the twin that got me upset, i think i finally realised he was gone or something, i always felt his love even though i rejected it... god... i sound like a nut case

LegacyUser

Thank you Moomoo1

Yes you are probably right, i will just have to get a grip, think I am pre menstrual too.. genuinely.. maybe that hasn't helped!!!

LegacyUser

good morning it was good for you to cry your eyes out when you looked at the old photographs of the two of ye.
Now it is time for you to move on first of all throw away them photographs.
He is happily married i bet he has no old pictures of ye.
you should get out there and start socialising
He has his own life and family and you do the same now

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again, just to add, at the time he begged me to change my mind, he wouldn't accept it initially. He asked me if I was sure a year later before he started dating again. I said I was and was glad he was going dating as it eased my guilt over wasting his time. I did wonder though when he started dating steady less than a year afterwards if he really loved me in the first place how could he move on so quickly?

The reason was that he accepted what you had said. I had the same thing with my ex and while she initiated the split I was her fallback position. It meant that I reassessed our time together in the preceeding years and doubts about it surfaced and of her emotional integrity.

My memories and recollections were tainted and the move seemed natural and I recovered my trust.

bonobox

I think the OP is in a bad place and it's hard to have left something which was better than where you are now and look back. I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to a big, life changing decision, it's worth anyone's time sitting down and making a note of the reasons they are making the decision. The pros, the cons, even just a list of bullet points of the issues on which the decision is based.

While a decision is made with the best information available, when things don't turn out fo rthe best later, it can be easy to forget some of the reasons the decision was taken in the first place, or not consider some reasons with the appropriate 'weight' they deserve. I think this is what the OP is doing.

At least if you have a snapshot of the information you worked with at the time, at least you can console yourself with the fact that you did the best thing you could in the circumstances. We don't often know the effects our decisions will have on us so something like this is a good way too to stop you blaming yourself later when things don't work out. you can at least say, I did what was best in this situation, draw a line and focus on what happened afterwards. Just my 2 cents.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I really feel for you cos it's a tough situation you're in. But I think overall you made the right decision 12 years ago - the fact that it's only in seeing him with his twins shows that it's not really the romantic love you miss but just the love full stop. And that's completely understandable of course. But don't let it fool you into thinking that you were meant to be together because from what you've said about it all you really were not.

To be honest one thing that comes across very strongly is that you really cared for, loved and respected this guy and you broke up with him in the kindest way possible. The fact you didn't have regrets then shows that you really did make the best choice for you. The thing is that without sexual chemistry in a relationship, there was always going to be problems for you both down the line - the chances of you having an affair out of sexual frustration are I'm sure very high.. and that would not have made for a happy coupling or a happy family for children. So you made the mature and difficult decision to end it and fair play to you for doing that.

The thing is it is probable that you will meet someone else who you fancy and who you like/love and who reciprocates those feelings. Being free in yourself and being open to experiencing a new relationship is without doubt a better situation to be in that to be stiffled and feel trapped in a passion-less relationship.

It's a very difficult one and I think companionship and affection are extremely important in a relationship. But I think sexual compatibility is equally important and when it's not there it can be incredibly destructive to a relationship. You are obviously a very kind-hearted person so stay strong and believe in yourself that what you did 12 years ago was for the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice

You all should be give medals for your time and advice. You are saints, thank you so much, it has helped me so much, I feel so much better now that I have it all rationalised. I really appreciate and have taken something from each reply.

I feel so much better now. It was great to think it all out and to get such great feedback.

Yes the unfortunate thing is I didn't want him then and I shouldn't be selfish and want him now when I see him with other "girls" in his life!!

But its so much better to see him happy than if I were to see him still single or unhappy over me so I guess what I wanted to happen did happen,

I have been quite busy career wise the last few years and havn't taken too much time with relationships but yes I probably should get out there... but don't want to be seen as one of these desperate women trying to grab a man...

so maybe I will get out there a bit more and just have fun, i have worked pretty hard to date with my career and education so I think I need to make time for other things now

maybe that is what's wrong....

but reflecting again, I am happy for him genuinely!! I suppose it just highlighted what is missing from my own life - a personal relationship..

CDfm

I wouldnt worry to much about appearances and how you are seen.

Its about time you got out there and found someone if you want a relationship.

LegacyUser

just read through this whole situation

basically i am in the same situation but right now as this girl was 12years ago.....
i have just broken up with my boyf of 6years
he is actually the nicest guy in the world, sooo good to me etc
but i feel exactly like she did - just dont really fancy him tbh - but love him so much in every other way
almost broke up good while ago but i kept putting it off
now i have finally done it....we are both moving out.....but now i am just upset all the time...i know in some ways that it is the right thing to do now but it is the hardest thing i have ever done.
i keep going round and round in my head about it. it took me so long to get as far as actually saying it to him and discussing it.he doesnt want to break up at all so he keeps asking me if im sure. he even asked me to marry him so i would stay.
i am so confused. will i regret this?this is my whole life like!!this decides the rest of my life.

LegacyUser

to the op,
i am a male and been through the other side of your experience, even the twins part. ( i dont think i was your boyfriend as my experience happened nearly 20 years ago) . i'm not familiar with the ins and outs of your situation so can only speak from my own experiance.
i met the love of my life in college . we were very sexually compatible and i thought as close friends as two people can be. suddenly though i found myself dumped pretty much without warning and she basically treated me like a leper. for the next two years. i was so broken-hearted and alone that i honestly contemplated suicide on more than one occasion and practically ceased to function. our situation in college together meant that i saw her every day and every time i went out at night which probably made it 100 times harder for me.
despite my feelingsi moved on almost immediately and had other girlfriends, 1 night stands etc which made it appear as if i had brushed it off.the reality is that i have quite low self-confidence and couldnt handle being single if she was with someone else. Right now, im married to a wonderful kind woman and have a perfect family (inc twins) so life should be perfect , except that ive never stopped thinking about her and she has influenced every major decision in my life from getting married to having kids etc.
for me, having children was very important, even therapeutic as i once again had someone i could love unconditionally.

If i could have just hated her from the beginning, the situation would have been so much easier for me to deal with but unfortunately i could not.
after many years ,(yes years) of sleepless nights trying to figure out what went wrong, i finally reached a couple of conclusions.

i will never fully understand the reasons we broke up and just have to live with it.
Despite her horrible treatment of me after the break-up, i know she is not a bad person, ive seen her other side.
I really did/do love her completely and totally and that is just the way it is. it wont stop, ever.
Our lives have taken different paths and thats that.

i see her occasionally in the street etc and she is also married with a family. Although i believe that we were meant to be together, i hope that she is happy with the choices she has made and wish her nothing but the best. i am actually glad that she is married and has kids. if she was single and childless it would totally freak me out.
rather than hoping she might be regretting her actions and somehow jealous of me as another poster mentioned, i just feel very sad and upset and miss my best friend. its not about winners and losers i think to feel otherwise would mean that i never really cared in the first place.

If your fiancee felt evan a fraction about you that i felt about my girlfriend then i think you made a huge mistake and possibly ruined both your lives.Unfortunately, i dont think there is a solution and your best hope is to forget about him and try to find someone else to love you.
if you meet him in the street again though, please do me a favour and give him a smile and a hello. it might mean more to him than you would think.
best of luck.

Aard

Unregistered wrote: »

did i do the right thing?

The way I see it, you have regret. This feeling usually comes from uncertainty in a decision that was made. The way to get over it is to think back to 12 years ago when you made the decision. Try to put yourself back in those shoes. Think about what made you make the decision to break up with him. Experience the feelings again. You will realise that you made the best decision you could at that time. That knowledge helps ease the pain. You're seeing it now as a weak decision, whereas if you re-live the emotions, you will begin seeing it as a strong decision. We don't regret strong decisions.

LegacyUser

to the male guest poster whose ex broke up with him over 20 years ago - I am sorry to hear
of your heart break and to hear you have moved on somewhat... I don't know what to say really except that perhaps your ex has or had the same regrets or misgivings that I had recently or maybe not as she is married with a family, I do not know, all I would imagine is that your ex would want you to be happy and complete - who knows if you two had stayed together it might not have worked out - maybe you would have broken up with her..
I don't think my advice is too good as I am on the other side...

Just to say the difference between your relationship and my one is that you were sexually
compatible, we weren't in that I wasn't physically attracted to him which is awful to say even though he was nice to look at - he was an attractive guy but I didn't feel sexual
attraction towards him...I've no doubt others would, we just didnt click that way but everything else about us was great, if we had the sexual compatability we would never have split, i feel for you as you obviously lost the love of your life which isn't very helpful to say I know but who knows you might have broken up with her later or your feelings might have
changed..

As regards meeting my ex on the street, i have done in recent years but he will barely acknowledge me which has been hard, but then maybe thats the best way to be with an ex - easier for all around - out of sight out of mind, maybe that's his reasoning i dont know, i did talk to him once on the street but he was polite but very distant and edging to go, it was me who stopped him, since then its the bare hello from him if I meet him

LegacyUser

In relation to my last posting just want to clarify my ex is an attractive guy
tall dark and good looking and extremely intelligent
just the chemistry wasn't there on my part
towards him, then again i was young and he was my first so maybe i didnt
give it a chance that's what was niggling at me
but all of your replies have been so helpful to me in
trying to resolve it in my head

Moomoo1

Unregistered wrote: »

As regards meeting my ex on the street, i have done in recent years but he will barely acknowledge me which has been hard, but then maybe thats the best way to be with an ex - easier for all around - out of sight out of mind, maybe that's his reasoning i dont know, i did talk to him once on the street but he was polite but very distant and edging to go, it was me who stopped him, since then its the bare hello from him if I meet him

that just screams 'unresolved issues on his part' at me. Especially the 'edging to go' bit. I know that particular feeling very well.

Nothing you can do about that now though.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

As regards meeting my ex on the street, i have done in recent years but he will barely acknowledge me which has been hard, but then maybe thats the best way to be with an ex - easier for all around - out of sight out of mind, maybe that's his reasoning i dont know, i did talk to him once on the street but he was polite but very distant and edging to go, it was me who stopped him, since then its the bare hello from him if I meet him

Its an ex and unless the split was mutual and happy why interact.

Get over it.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for the replies, Yes I know I have to move on, it's in the past, I
think I realise now that I may never meet someone whom I feel as
content, secure, loved by as I did with him, maybe I could have worked
at the sexual attraction bit with him as everything else was right but I
will never know now as he is gone.