Advice Needed

MysticalSoul

My uncle is currently terminally, and with him being ill, it has had me contemplating about a past friend I fell out, where she became controlling etc. Whenever we encounter each other now it is awkward.

Anyway, with my uncle being ill it does put things in perspective, and I would like to be maybe give a ring/drop her an email to perhaps meet, not to talk about how we felt about the situation, or about what happened, but more to try and put it behind us. I know that the closeness we had will never be there again - once bitten, twice shy so to speak. I would like for us to be able to meet for a coffee once in a while, and see where things go from there (I would hope for once a month/once every other month, but for now, would not like any more than that).

Just not sure whether to do it, and if I do, how to approach her and the subject. She knows I blocked her from emailing me, so chances are she has since done likewise, and if I do go ahead with emailing, would naturally need to unblock her, however when she sees my name, she may decide not to read it.... However I feel email would be the easier first port of call, as can write a lot more easily without any emotion/awkwardness etc attached.

Naturally, I am aware that she may wonder what my motives etc. If we are to meet, I would be honest that having had a few family bereavements over the past few years, and my uncle currently being ill, has put a different slant on things, and I would hate to die myself, with so many awkward emotions - I feel that trying to meet could help in moving forward. I would be slow to trust her again, that is something that will take time. However we do keep bumping into each other, and I personally do feel there is a reason for that.

Unfortunately I have no way of knowing how it could go - it could help with the awkwardness, or it could bring up the old feelings of hurt etc. I felt at the time things went arseways. I do feelt hat life is too short though, to try and not to have some sort of reconciliation.

Any input would be gratefully appreciated.

Larianne

I see it the other way. Your ex-friend will never change. It is how she is. Life is short and I wouldn't waste my time on trying to be friends again. Sometimes you're better to leave things how they are.

You can still be civil to her and have a chat whenever you see her to see how things are going. But I'd keep her as an acquaintance rather than a friend.

Taltos

Larianne wrote: »

I see it the other way. Your ex-friend will never change. It is how she is. Life is short and I wouldn't waste my time on trying to be friends again. Sometimes you're better to leave things how they are.

You can still be civil to her and have a chat whenever you see her to see how things are going. But I'd keep her as an acquaintance rather than a friend.

+1
If she really is a controlling person then these circumstances would actually play to her strengths.
You are probably feeling low - hence you need to a reconciliation - but that is just what a manipulative person will use against you.
Just picture it - next time you fall out you will get "but I was there for you when you needed me... etc etc"

I would just chalk these emotions up to what you are going thru, but would try to accept it as only that and not act on it. Just my two cents - but life is too short to surround yourself with users.

messrs

i agree with larianne - ive been in similar situation myself and sometimes i miss the closeness of the friendship ect and while i no we cud never get that closeness back i sometimes miss her been there - but then i stop and think about the reason we fell out and how she used to make me feel when we were friends and been honest i wouldnt want to go back
i understand whre your coming from, looking at things differently coz your uncle - but she is stil the same person she always was so imo things would stil be the same.
your call at the end of the day, but all the same things are gonig ot be there - best of luck what ever you choose to do

kittenkiller

You seem to have a very specific idea of what you want to happen between the pair of you and it seems like you've really over-analysed the situation.

Mail her or send her a message on facebook or bebo.
Say you'd like to meet up to catch up and that you regret the fact that your friendship ended.
Also might be worthwhile to acknowledge that she might not want to but that's ok and you wish her the best moving forward.
Give her your number and let her know that she can contact you if she wants.

Be prepared for rejection though, people move on very quickly these days.

Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

So do you seriously think that you are not in a position to be friends and excuse her controlling behaviour (because she won't have changed)?

MysticalSoul

Thank you all for your input. Am still mulling it over. Have decided that regardless of what I decide to do, I am going to allow myself some time to think it through - so may leave it till next week before acting on it, that is, if I do.

I feel that if we were to reconnect, I need to be very clear on my own personal boundaries from the start, so as to avoid anything similar happening again. A lot of the controlling was due to her own insecurities etc.

I may have an idea of what I would like to happen, but there are no guarantees of how it will be taken. However, I feel that if were to meet up, I can only honour what is going on for me. I don't feel we could fall out again in the same way, as I am a stronger person for the experience - and I feel at the moment, that I could never trust her in the same way again.

Larianne

MysticalSoul wrote: »

I feel that if we were to reconnect, I need to be very clear on my own personal boundaries from the start, so as to avoid anything similar happening again. A lot of the controlling was due to her own insecurities etc.

But is all that really worth it? Should you have to lay down rules before being friends with someone??

I understand you've been thinking a lot due to a bereavement. I was the same was I was 21 and my friend died. I thought "Oh I should make contact with such and such..." but realistically sometimes friendships are meant to die. People move on, grow apart as people and just don't have common interests any more.

Taltos

MysticalSoul wrote: »

and I feel at the moment, that I could never trust her in the same way again.

So why bother??
Really - why involve someone in your life that you cannot trust?
The very idea of doing that just brings one word to my - "self-harming".

Put her out of your head and move on.

CathyMoran

I wish that I could say that you should give her another chance - maybe you could see from friends of friends if she has changed? (me being the optimist). I know that I am totally different from me 14 years ago (I grew up!). I do also think though that you could open yourself to heartache. It is a tough call.

I also considered contacting someone from my past but the thing that stopped me was that they did not contact me when I really needed them (we have mutual friends) whereas I have contacted someone from my past when they had something terrible happen to them (the friendship did not return but I do not regret sending the card).

I do really feel for you - I have to stop myself sometimes from contacting this person from my past but sometimes you have to move forward. My sympathy for your uncle and you during this difficult time.