He just won't leave me alone

Weidii

I'm writing this in a fluster, so excuse how badly put together it is.

I had a boyfriend from home who I stayed with while I was in college, even though we were on opposite sides of the country. A year after I moved county he moved to the same place as me, though went to a different college. It soon became too smothering for me, being around him all the time, so I tried to split up with him, but he used to make it really hard for me to stay away from him by coming to my house to "keep in contact with my housemates". He also went to parties that friends he knew through me threw, so the only way I could get away from him was if I wasn't in my house or near my friends.

I told him numerous times that this bothered me and I don't think my friends were really aware of how much this was bothering me, since I'm not the type of person to publicize the goings on of my relationships. To this day only the ones who have witnessed him in action believe what he's like. Most of them don't really care for him that much as a friend (with the exception of one group, who got to know him quite well) but he seems to text them constantly and ask them to come over to his house so he can make them dinner, etc. One of my housemates actually witnessed me crying in frustration once because he wouldn't stop ringing my phone as he'd gotten wind that I was dating a new guy.

During this college year, we tried to be friends for a while as it was more hassle to try to get away from him. Eventually he became too much for me and I told him I wanted to cut contact. Some days he would start texting and calling me and didn't get a response he would always resort to texting my friends instead, who were usually around me at the time, so I see it happening.

I got with a new guy in February this year (approximately a year after I split up with the other guy) and as soon as he found out he came into my house while my boyfriend was there, asked to speak to me in private and told me he didn't approve of me seeing the new guy. He didn't understand why I thought this was out of line. He knew the guy I got with, but no better than I knew him myself as he knew him through me. He tried to make it seem like I'd gotten with one of his friends, but this was not the case at all. He made me feel like a slut. He told me how much he hated my new guy now, but then he added him on facebook as a friend. I have no idea what to make of this.

I have an inkling that he reads my posts on my college forum, which he doesn't actually post on himself (as far as I'm aware)

Through all this he thinks he's the victim and I'm the b**ch (which I've had to resort to at times to get him to leave me alone)

It's so frustrating, as although I haven't seen him in a good while, I know that when I go back to college he will continue to hang around with my friends from my college and I'll never be rid of him.

What's the appropriate course of action to take in my situation? I have actually got no idea. I really just want him out of my life as I feel so smothered by him and he has driven me to hate him.

Ann22

I would totally ignore him or be blatantly horrible to him..but at the same time keep a written record of every contact he makes you, save any nuisance texts he sends you. There was a case in my town last year with a girl who took a fella to court for stalking her. There is a law against harrassment like this.
.http://www.harassment-law.co.uk/Irish.htm

LadyJ

Tell him you want him out of your life and that he has no rights over you. Be harsh because this is getting ridiculous. Change your number and ignore him totally if he's around you. Look past him, refuse to engage. If it continues, get a restraining order!

Weidii

Thanks for the advice.

My main problem is that even if I do change my number, he'll still turn up to society meetings in my college and hang around with my friends. I don't think it would be right to ask my friends not to hang around with him, and to be honest most of them would think I was mad, they honestly have no idea what he's like.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I have been in a similar situation but it was with a family member, how i sorted it was to cut complete contact, basically you have to be open about it with people in your life and start to let everyone know around you that you do not get on with this x, and adopt a zero tolerance approach,

I had a girl once bully me on a football team and she started to text me over and over after i left because of her, i kept asking her to stop -she wouldnt, i went to the police in the village told them what she was doing, luckily they knew her and called her there and then and said to her if you call/text me again you will be in trouble, i was delighted- that put an end to that, but there are consequences when you expose situations like this in public, half the team did not see where i was coming from and people can think you are over reacting, but i did what i had to for me and did not care what others thought, and this made me strong for future situations,

But if you want to get him out of your life i think you have to expose his behaviour, otherwise he can manipulate you, abuse survives though secrets and silence, i know you do not like to be open about these things but discreetly say to people oh i cant be around my x any more it is uncomfortable for me, he has been giving me an indication that he still likes me by texting and coming to my house a lot, I do not want him to think there is still anything between us so i would prefer not to be in his company,

if you can phrase it your own way that is mature people will understand, YOU take control of this situation and try not to care what anyone else thinks, when your young and i college it can be hard to be like this but it will make you stronger as a person to stand up for your opinion even if no one else agrees, it is worth the risk!

Kirby

Weidii wrote: »

though went to a different college.

It soon became too smothering for me

He also went to parties that friends he knew through me threw,

I don't think my friends were really aware of how much this was bothering me

he asks them to come over to his house so he can make them dinner,

we tried to be friends for a while as it was more hassle to try to get away from him.

He knew the guy I got with

He tried to make it seem like I'd gotten with one of his friends

It's so frustrating, as although I haven't seen him in a good while, I know that when I go back to college he will continue to hang around with my friends from my college and I'll never be rid of him.

These are some bits of your post. I haven't edited them. Give them a read over.

Ok. Have you tried looking at it from his point of view? Really, it seems like you broke up and just decided that if he had any friends that were also your friends, he should ditch them. Do you really expect somebody to do that?

By your own admission, he has stayed away from you as you haven't seen him in a while. What do you want? Him to switch colleges? They may be your friends, but perhaps they are his too. A little understanding would go a long way as it's a two way street.

I'm not trying to be mean, but your post comes accross as a little self centered.

Exon

I know it's not right but just remember one thing: He's probably as hurt as you are.

The young lad probably loves ya and doesn't know how to stop. Just try not to be too much of a bitch but I understand ya have to do what ya have to do.

CDfm

Hopefully he will get over you and find someone else.

Why not change you number as some people have vsaid and just tell those you want to have it the new number. Next college year new house etc and you dont need to invite him in if he calls etc.

Try to be a bit gracious as he had a mega thing for you but by all means discourage contact.

Taltos

CDfm wrote: »

Hopefully he will get over you and find someone else.

Why not change you number as some people have vsaid and just tell those you want to have it the new number. Next college year new house etc and you dont need to invite him in if he calls etc.

Try to be a bit gracious as he had a mega thing for you but by all means discourage contact.

+1
The more attention you pay here and the more upset you seem the more he will feed off it.
You got some great advice above right out of the box - keep a record; look into talking to your local gardai.
But - open up to your friends and housemates - let them know that while he is charming around them - when alone with you he is a totally different character - if possible play back a recording.

I like CDfm's approach though as well - be gracious around him - but show that above all else he is a fly in your world and you really don't give a damn about anything he says or does - so don't get upset, don't argue, don't really engage with him at all - this will be easier if your friends know the story. However you might find that some of them still will not believe you and will continue to invite him to different things.
The trick is to ignore him - go out have a good time - meet people - just be aware where he is so that you never get into a situation where you feel unsafe.

Eventually he will get bored - but if not then that is where the gardai come into play, if he really is obsessed with you then they can help deal with it. Although since you have not heard from him in a while - this is unlikely - it might be that when college restarts he falls into old habits - but this is where you break the trend. Maybe try meeting new people - expanding your own circle of friends beyond those he knows and forget about him.

LegacyUser

OP, you are going to have to be much more vocal with your friends and tell them what you told us here. Half of them will think you are nuts but you have to.

I've been through this. I had an ex who never left me alone for 3 or 4 years after I got away from him. He made friends with all my friends and family members. He followed me to Oxegen and Electric picnic, insinuated himself into my family members lives. Used to call my phone 20 times a night. Really I could go on and on.

He chased away any interested fellas. I didn't always know what was going on. I began to blank him over time and the more I slipped away then he upped the ante, he started going out with a relative of mine after I met my boyfriend so he could get invited to a wedding I would be at.

The stunts he pulled were endless, anyway I stayed firm and in the end people began to see through him. He was always making drama around me but all I could do was ignore him and get on with my life.

Even to a few months ago he sent me a text telling me he thinks of me day and night and loves me and all this yet he denied everything he did and said but my boyfriend has seen it all. And my family have now too.

He was very manipulative but you have to not react. It doesn't matter if people dont see it at first. Go ahead and see the new bloke but warn and educate him about what is going on.

kittenkiller

You have to let your close friends in on what's going on OP.
If they all think that you're aver-reacting or that there isn't actually a problem, you're screwed.

Keep a note of all the times he texts you, calls you or just turns up to see you.

Change your number and ask that no one gives out the new one.
Keep the old SIM and that way you can keep track of his behaviour easily.

Have faith that your mates will support you and be aware of his antics.

Tell him directly that you feel his behaviour is completely out of order and that as you've broken up over a year, it's time for you both to move on.
Ask him not to come to your house, call or text.
Once it's all completely out in the open and clearly stated, if he continues you'll have a back up.

To be honest, I feel really sorry for the pair of you.
He's obviously very messed up and if all his friends are yours, he mustn't have any life of his own.

Best of luck OP.

footieman

if i was you i would talk to someone in Authority in the College about how this guy is around you all the time even though you dont want him anymore.
There has to be someone in the College like the HR department.
Good Luck

Weidii

Kirby wrote: »

Ok. Have you tried looking at it from his point of view? Really, it seems like you broke up and just decided that if he had any friends that were also your friends, he should ditch them. Do you really expect somebody to do that?

By your own admission, he has stayed away from you as you haven't seen him in a while. What do you want? Him to switch colleges? They may be your friends, but perhaps they are his too. A little understanding would go a long way as it's a two way street.

I'm not trying to be mean, but your post comes accross as a little self centered.

He hasn't stayed away from me though, he has been texting me at least once a week asking me to meet up with him even though I always say no or ignore him. He's not in the same college as me either, he has plenty of friends of his own yet he still turns up at parties my own friends throw. I understand that he may want to keep in contact with them, but when it gets to the stage where I can't see them as he's around them all the time and I just don't want to be around him, then I think it is unfair.

kittenkiller wrote: »

Tell him directly that you feel his behaviour is completely out of order and that as you've broken up over a year, it's time for you both to move on.
Ask him not to come to your house, call or text.

He's obviously very messed up and if all his friends are yours, he mustn't have any life of his own.
.

I have told him this numerous times, the last time I asked him to leave me alone and move on he called me big headed for presuming that he was still into me.

Also, here's the thing. He has loads of really great friends of his own. He doesn't need to hang around with my friends at all.

Thanks for all the advice, I'm still not sure what I'll do about this but I have the feeling that I'll just have to put up with it, as I've been doing for the last year.

Nevyn

Tell you friends, show them the texts, explain that you will not be going to events he will be at.

YT

Get an older brother, uncle or your dad to have a word with him, I know it's a bit extreme but it seems like you have tried everything but this.

Oh The Humanity

I have told him this numerous times, the last time I asked him to leave me alone and move on he called me big headed for presuming that he was still into me.

It doesn't MATTER what he called you. He will say anything to continue contact with you and will try to screw with your head when you get tough and tell him to back off.

If he is not still into you why did he do the following:

I got with a new guy in February this year (approximately a year after I split up with the other guy) and as soon as he found out he came into my house while my boyfriend was there, asked to speak to me in private and told me he didn't approve of me seeing the new guy.

Honestly, you cant be putting up with this bull$hit. Where is your voice, your anger? You are better than allowing your quality of life to be drastically reduced because you wont stand up to this guy properly and tell your friends whats going on.

So what if he calls you big headed? You dont care what he thinks.

You can't live like this just to be polite and keep the peace, dont allow yourself to be manipulated, people can probably see right through him. your silence is giving him power.

Stand up and tell him to fcuk off out of your life.

vandermeyde

Ignore him. Completely. Don't give him the time of day, don't text, talk, acknowledge him in any way, shape or form.

He feeds off you communicating with him, for example, the fact that you even allowed him to talk to you "privately" about someone you were seeing will be confirmation in his own head that he's doing the right thing.

You need to keep a record of when he tries to contact you, store texts etc. because the chances are he'll escalate things in the short term when you get back to college.

Give him one warning, tell him that you don't want any more contact.

If he persists, contact the gardai.