His friend

LegacyUser

I just need to get this off my chest because i don't feel i can discuss this with anyone else.

basically I've been with my BF for almost 2 years and for the most part we've been very happy. basically there's this one mate of his who has made snide comments about me or to me every so often. usually i'm well able for this and wouldn't take it seriously,as lots of slagging goes on in our group. however, intuition and gut feeling tells me this is malicious and he really means it. it's always really petty stuff though, like we were away last year at a festival and we were sitting around chatting and chilling (it was early in the morning) and i was half reading my book. he suddenly loudly tells me to "put the ****ing book away" even though i wasn't ignoring conversation and was participating. it wasn't the words,more the tone he said it in and a few of the lads raised their eyebrows.

it's just stuff like telling me to shut up, or just laughing at what i say. i find it hurtful especially as i'm quite close with his GF who's lovely.

i'm not sure if he feels i'm taking his friend away. my BF was the kind of guy who spent every waking moment with the lads before we met. obv, he spends time alone with me too now, but he still sees them tons too. it's just starting to get to me that someone i have to see rather a lot clearly hates me and i've done nothing to deserve it. i'm sick of pussyfooting around in case i offend, after 2 years of it. dunno what to do.

Terodil

What does your bf say about this? Have you discussed this with him?

LegacyUser

i've never mentioned it to him- part of it is not wanting to create awkwardness and part of it is not wanting him to think i'm being over sensitive. truth be told,i thought i was being but lately i just think there's real nastiness simmering beneath the surface.

i don't even know how i'd broach it.

Terodil

Well, tbh OP, in a work environment or school this would be called 'mobbing'. Always below the mark where you'd have to create a scene, but massive enough to cause severe unrest and discomfort.

You need to discuss this with your bf and make him aware of what's going on. Firstly because you don't want to be seen as driving a splint between your bf and his friend, secondly because you need his help. Mobbing needs a serious, concerted response. How this is done can vary, it could be a tantrum, it could be a quiet chat just between your bf and his friend, many options. But you both need to make it very clear that the 'friend' has gone far enough, your bf needs to be 100% behind you, and ultimately there can be no doubt that if the 'friend' continues down this path, he will no longer be a friend to either you or your bf.

Don't worry so much about making a mountain out of a molehill. This is serious, and you are right to bring this up.

PK2008

You're going to have to stand up for yourself. If the guy tells you to shut up then you got tell him to STFU, let him know you wont take any 5hit.

If you havent got the razor sharp wit to emasculate and put him in his place while getting loads of laughs off the lads then you just have to be straight with him, let it escalate to an argument if you have to but you cant let people walk all over you.

Its nice that you dont want to create any awkwardness for other people but its obviously already awkward for you and as a person you count aswell.

R.D. aka MR.D

Do you ever chat to him one on one or anything like that?
Has his girlfriend gave any indication that he may not like you?

A friend of mine can sometimes say hugely inappropriate things especially to girlfriends of his friends, like **** off you cow and stuff like that :rolleyes:

He genuinely thinks hes just being funny! thats the kind of person he is.
one of his friends girlfriends was really upset by it and wouldn't go out with him for ages until she told her Boyf and he said oh no thats just the way he is and she talked to a few of the rest of the group and realised that that indeed is the way it is!!

So if you have chatted with him and stuff maybe its the way he is.

Talking to your boyf is the only way you will find out.

if he does mean it in a serious way then that is a major issue and your boyfriend needs to help resolve it.

I hope all goes well with it.

drunkymonkey

just talk to your boyfriend about it cos thats the only way things are gonna change or else talk to the guy himself but i think i kind of know what guy he's like from your piece, theres loads of people like that so talking to him would be pointless!

Unfortunetly the whole thing about 'your taking my friend from me' mostly always happens in relationships that the person is very good friends with their friends! its a jealosy possesive thing.... its happened to me my a couple of my friends got very annoyed i was spending time with my girlfriend!

is his friend his best friend that he spends a lot of time with? i think he just sees you as trying to take your boyfriend away from his friends and of course your not you just want to spend time with him! iv seen it happen to me and my friends its just a jealosy immature thing!

gudbuzz

you were reading a book at a festival??

unhappycamper

gudbuzz wrote: »

you were reading a book at a festival??

Eelectic Picnic had a very popular book stall last year at their festival not that I would be interested but there is nothing wrong with reading a book in the sunshine sipping on a rum and coke I have no idea why you sound so suprised superman.

Malari

gudbuzz wrote: »

you were reading a book at a festival??

It doesn't matter if she was doing her VAT return at a festival. She said she was participating in conversation and it was the tone of voice that was more pertinent than what he said.

While I think it would be important that your boyfriend respect how you feel about his friend's behaviour to you, you can't expect both of you to get on with everyone. I don't like one of my boyfriend's mates and I just avoid him, if I can.

How do you respond when he says things like this to you? I'd pretty much try to give as good as you get and generally bullies like this who are testing the water will back down as soon as it gets even slightly confrontational.

LadyJ

Hmm....maybe he's "pulling your pigtails" so to speak....

Taltos

Pls talk to your OH on this - he might not be aware of it - or if he is might think that you are OK with this behaviour as this is just the way that prat is.

One thing to consider is that maybe this idiot is so immature this is his way of letting you know he likes you.
OR - he could just be jealous of his mate finding such a good catch.

Either way - irrespective of the cause of this offensive behaviour you need to let your OH know that you are no longer willing to accept being spoken to like you were still in school. As his friend he needs to step up and support you in this.

Either - talking directly to his friend or backing you 100% next time this guy does something - what I mean is when you reply or he jumps in and embarrases his mate in front of everyone else...
Bully's soon learn to back off when they become the butt of the joke - and your OH is better placed to do this with your friends - you might just be painting a target on your back..

Gone Drinking

LadyJ wrote: »

Hmm....maybe he's "pulling your pigtails" so to speak....

Doesn't make it ok.

Tell your Boyfriend how this is upsetting you. If one of my mates had a go like that at my bird they'd get a swift bollocking. And if your boyfriend ignores it still.. tell the guy to go fcuk himself next time he has a go at you. Well within your rights in my opinion.