Missing person I think

LegacyUser

Hi,

Ok. I need a bit of advice. I broke up with my bf about 3 months ago. He doesnt have any family here in Ireland. He lives in rented accomodation - he only moved a few weeks ago into this house but doesnt get on with the other tenants.

I was out last night at a party and I met him there. He was with some friends. We chatted for a little bit and then parted ways. Anyhoo...we normally text/call eachother on a daily basis. As I said he is here on his own and he does get lonely. He was very very low lately....

So I text him today and his phone is off. Its off all day. Am really nervous.....keep thinking something is wrong. I dont have the number of any of his friends. I hope I am over-reacting but I dont know what to do. I am hoping he stayed at his friends, phone went dead and as he doesnt get on with his housemates, he decided to stay on....

Should I go over to his house? Ive only been there once. They dont know me. What should I do? Should I hold tight?

JonathanAnon

Exactly how long has he not had any communication with anyone. Did he lose/break his phone?

leeroybrown

People lose or break their phones, have a sim card fail, run out of battery and even turn off their phones all the time. Going without a broken/lost phone on a Sunday sounds quite probable. I've often had to go without a phone for a day when mine has run out of power.

I think that you're over-reacting. If he doesn't turn up in a day or so then you can consider actually worrying.

Miaireland

I think it would be more likely that his phone is lost, out of credit or off.

If it would put your mind at ease you could call over to the house. You don't have to say that you think he is missing. Just say that you popped in for a chat.

Does he work? Might be worth checking to see if he turns up tomorrow.

LegacyUser

ok i dont even know how to start typing this......

About 20 mins after posting here, I got it into my head I needed to go to the shop. The local one was closed (sunday evening) so I drove on to one nearer town. As I was about to pull in, I saw him wondering around in an awful state. He smelled badly of liquor. He was a mess - his clothes were torn and he had a black eye and cuts. I nearly died. so I pulled up. He didnt even know it was me....

I asked him what had happened. He said he went to a house party last nite and got off his head on drugs. I nearly got sick. Ive never know him to take drugs. Its not a life style I advocate. He then said they spent all of today drinking and taking more drugs. At some point in the evening the guys he was with (who were off their faces on drugs too) accused him of taking money...he swears he didnt do it....and they punched the life out of him....

So there he is in my car off his face...I didnt know what to do...so I said Id drive him home to which he replied "I dont have anywhere to go to...the people I live with rang me yesterday and told me to pack my stuff and be out today" I was freaking out at this stage...I live at home now so staying at mine was not an option (elderly parents).

He eventually contacted another friend of his who said he could crash on his couch for the night. I asked him was he carrying drugs and he said no. so that is where he is now.

He kept saying over and over that he was going to kill himself. That the drugs made it easier to cope and that he had been buying them for the last few months as a way to deal with things...yes stupid I know. He says he has an addiction. He hasnt a penny to his name and is now homeless. I swear you couldnt make this up.

He seems hell bent on ending his life and I dont know what to do. Am sick with worry. Am just waiting for a call saying that he is dead. He has no family here. He is now out with his so called friends. I feel sick. I can only do so much for him. I cant change him. But I dont want to be involved with him anymore, but he has noone else. I feel so sorry for him. I tried to talk sense into him but he was so off his face he didnt want to listen.

How could someone f*ck up so badly? Am cracking up with the stress. I cant carry him anymore. A few weeks ago he was living in another house and they kicked him out also. He never told me why, but I think they might have found the drugs....they changed the locks on him and he ended up sleeping on the street for the night...my head is a mess. I dont know what I can do for him. Am carrying this terrible load.

The Big Red Button

If I were you (AND I'M NOT) get out now.

Cut all ties, for your own sake (and you should be your number one priority.)

Just giving my honest opinion.

hungryhippo

Where is he from? Could you get him a plane ticket home?

thefeatheredcat

OP,

He needs to get help. He's not your responsibility. He is responsible for his own actions. And it's up to him to get the help he needs.

And I would advice to get out of the situation yourself. You may feel sorry for him now, but that will only end up with you being the one left to look after him and deal with his issues with him. It's not worth the worry.

He just needs to get himself sorted out. And you don't want to get dragged down where he's going; you'll end up just being a crutch to him until you end up hitting rock bottom and depressed yourself.

My advice - just walk away. Maybe touch base every once in a while.

LegacyUser

I'd contact the Gardai and make them aware of the situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Walking away from someone, when they are saying the are feeling suicidal, is a very hard thing to do.

I talked to him today and I am going to stay away from him for a while.

The friend he stayed with, he must have spilled everything to him because he told me today that he brought him into the drug centre in the town today. They assessed him for 30mins and he has a session with a councellor tomorrow. The thing is is that I dont know if he is lying or not. But it is only him that can change himself. There is nothing I can do. He is in a real mess at the moment and it seems he cant get out of it.

Firetrap

You need to walk away before he drags you down. Does he have any family in his home country?

LegacyUser

Would you walk away/withdraw all support to someone who is telling you they are suicidal? I couldnt live with myself if he did something.

LegacyUser

I work in homeless services so have an idea of what you are going through. Yes you are right that it is very hard to walk away from someone who you care about that is suicidal/lonely etc. However you need to just advise him to get help but only he will use the help if he really wants to change. Put him in contact with homeless services in your area and they will help him access services and may give him an option of a ticket home it thats what he would like. Worrying yourself sick will not help you or him so try to be as practical as possible, I know this is easier said than done. Also remember people with addictions can be very manipulative too so be aware of his threats of suicide, maybe he means it, maybe he does not. Get support for yourself too if you plan on supporting him through this. I wish you luck.

Dean820

He sounds like bad news. His old flat mates didn't throw him out for nothing.

LegacyUser

Oh believe me, I know all about manipulation from him - I know about all this. He had his first session this evening and says that he has another one on Friday. I have honestly resolved that I cannot do anything for him.

To be fair, this drug problem has only developed the last few months. He went through a very rough time - we even broke up, which didnt help I guess. I think there are somethings from his childhood etc that he needs to address. Thanks for the support. At the moment, just chatting here is doing me fine.

I have to say, by the grace of god I am on holidays for the week with nothing planned. I was so exhausted Monday. I honestly couldnt get out of the bed. I think the shock had gotton to me. But I carried on with things as normal, and even managed to visit a friend of mine that evening. I have been eating good, and been talking walks etc. I know this helps in times of stress. I have my own problems too so am trying to deal with these also. I have not, nor will I be telling anyone about his issues at the moment (him going to concellor etc). The rumour mill I have no doubt is on the go at the moment, so I will not be telling anything to anyone at this stage.