Find friends

LegacyUser

Hello,

I am 26 years old. I am male. I am very very shy, probably a form of social anxiety. This has certainly improved in recent years. At the moment, I have no friends. I never had many friends, Being so quiet it is hard to make friends.
The few friends I did have have spread out, to Australis, America etc. Actually, I do have a few friends but they are based all around the place. And do you count emailing as friendship? I would like to make new friends, people I can go out on the own with.
But I do not know how to do this. How do you make REAL friends? Not just acquaintances.

I know the usual suggestions:

- Join Clubs / Do courses

I did try a language course last year and got on great with some of the people in the course. But didnt keep in touch afterwards. To be honest, I am not sure this is a good way to gain new friends. Most people never seem to keep in touch.
Joining a club is difficult due to working hours (Work shift). But I guess there are more possibilities there that I havent looked into...

- Work

I get on great with people at work but the location is fairly remote (Not in the city) and there is only occassional "drinks after work". Also, nearly all my colleagues are married, engaged or in a serious relationship so take off back to their other half straight after work.
I may have the possibility of working abroad for a while. I think this may be a good idea as it will force me to "come out of myself".

- Go rent a room in a shared house

I currently do this. One room vacant (Landlord cant find anybody to fill it due to recession) and one room is used by a girl who I get on great with and would consider a friend but she goes home every weekend. And I sleep in the other room.
I know there are a lot of places available at the moment but would feel bad to leave my current housemate behind




Also, I have never experience sexual intimacy with a girl. This gets me down when I think of it. Even if I have to kiss a girl on the cheek, I get myself into a tizzy and it turns out to be clumsy. I know that I am not a ood looking guy (Never have I been approached by a girl). I know I dont apprach girls often but if I was good looking, surely a girl would have approached me once!
Anyways, I think that I shouldnt worry about this until I manage o find some riends. Finding friends will lead to better chances in this way anyways. Most people I know who are together met through a friend (A friend of a friend, At a friends party)


So What can I do? I need to expand my social life.

Have other people ever been in this situation and overcome it? I would like to hear other peoples experiences of how they managed to do it. Also, advice from people who have never found themselves in this scenario.
I guess it just feels like I am stuck in a rut at the moment.

jelomulawin

Hello, I just read your post, and as a 17 year old, I won't have much help to be given due to my lack of experiences. However, just to let you know, I do believe that you have an introverted personality. It means preferring to be alone more than to socialize with many people. Yet, a person must have a balance between private and social life. You have not maintained your social life. Actually it is normal for a person to be quiet and reserved, it's just that more outgoing-type of person exists. I guess it has something to do with our culture.

Anyway, to the point, you are perfectly normal, you just need to build up your conversational skills and ignore the fear of talking with other people. Start with your colleagues at work. Try to approach them and say hello and constantly talk with them about work, current events, etc, etc. I'm sure you may have wanted to stir conversation with them before, but social anxiety can prevent you to do so.

Since you also get on well with your female housemate, it's a good idea to maintain your relationship with her. Don't let it deplete even you just have contact with her during weekends.

Joining a club is a good idea. If you can do any sports, then join these clubs. Otherwise, you can always take karate or taekwondo. They take any people of any age, of any strengths. Not only that but you'll also learn self-defence and it's good for your body.You can also know some friends there, I'm sure of that.

About e-mailing, yeah, you can also get friends there. It's also beneficial coz you can build your conversational skills from there, but just study and choose carefully the people you are in contact with behind the computer screen. Just observe it well.

I hope I still helped, even just a little, I myself used to be very shy, but after taking karate, I'm not afraid to talking to people. Actually, if you know some other people who are also quiet, better talk to them as well! They may also feel the same about you, waiting for someone to approach them to be friends with.

For us quiet and reserved types:
"You'll never make friends if you don't act first!" (Just an advice^^)
...otherwise wait if you're lucky enough...which is totally unadvisable....

Sorry for writing too much, it's just that I can relate to your post so much...

fasty

If you think you're suffering from social anxiety, then you should speak to someone about it or you'll never get anywhere. I know the club/course suggestion is just a pain in the arse to hear over and over again, but really, you make friends by being confident enough to live your life yourself. That means do stuff, pursue hobbies, try new things and you'll meet people who are like minded.

Don't expect people to keep in touch with you, YOU should make the effort even at the cost of maybe *some* rejection.

I'm not really shy, but I do struggle with large groups of people and making friends sometimes but by just being myself, doing stuff I was interested in and living my life, all the rest just snuck up on me without me realising it and I've got plenty of friends, plenty going on in my life and no time to feel sorry for myself.

LegacyUser

OP here

Anyway, to the point, you are perfectly normal, you just need to build up your conversational skills and ignore the fear of talking with other people. Start with your colleagues at work. Try to approach them and say hello and constantly talk with them about work, current events, etc, etc. I'm sure you may have wanted to stir conversation with them before, but social anxiety can prevent you to do so.

In fairness, I do talk to most of my work colleagues on a 1:1 basis quite often and I do make an effort with most of them.

Joining a club is a good idea. If you can do any sports, then join these clubs. Otherwise, you can always take karate or taekwondo. They take any people of any age, of any strengths. Not only that but you'll also learn self-defence and it's good for your body.You can also know some friends there, I'm sure of that.

I like this idea, martial arts could be good.

About e-mailing, yeah, you can also get friends there. It's also beneficial coz you can build your conversational skills from there, but just study and choose carefully the people you are in contact with behind the computer screen. Just observe it well.

I think you misunderstood me. I keep in touch with people I went to school, college with etc. But they have moved abroad. I do not email people I dont know, that wouldnt interest me!

If you think you're suffering from social anxiety, then you should speak to someone about it or you'll never get anywhere. I know the club/course suggestion is just a pain in the arse to hear over and over again, but really, you make friends by being confident enough to live your life yourself. That means do stuff, pursue hobbies, try new things and you'll meet people who are like minded.

I wouldnt really say its extreme enough to have to talk to someone about it. Seems like solid advice that you are giving there

Don't expect people to keep in touch with you, YOU should make the effort even at the cost of maybe *some* rejection.

You are bang on the money here. Have always been terrified of rejection. Ironic really as being so terrified of it meant that I have been rejected more so than if I wasnt scared of being rejected!

Rob_the_cat

Don't feel bad OP, I find myself in much the same position. It always sends a chill down my spine when I read an account like that and can relate it to my own situation. The earlier poster is correct, this afflicts many people in this country (we're an uncommunicative race), some hide behind alcohol but it's there all the time.

It can be nice to email people but I must warn you that it's no substitute for human interaction, so don't get caught up in that. It's just so easy to lose track of people that way.

The bottom line is this. There's a world outside your window. So sooner or later it's going to come the time to take the bull by the neck. Fate is for the movies, action is how you make things happen for you. Best of luck