Cheated

LegacyUser

Hi, I just have to write this because i need to get it off my chest.
I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years.
It was with my ex, we have been txting for awhile, but we ended up meeting up and kissing and foreplay.
I cant believe im even typing this, never thought i'd do it, but now that i have i dont know what to do.

arybvtcw0eolkf

Do you love your BF?.

Stop texting the ex (as exciting as it must be) and put it down to a a mistake on your behalf.

If it happens again, or you continue to text the ex - its time to get honest with yourself and where your relationship with your present BF is going (or not).

Don't go beating yourself up too much over it, sh*t happens - just don't let sh*t happen again.

.

SarahSassy

So why did you, in a premeditated manner, have 'sexual relations' with your ex, knowing it was wrong?

LegacyUser

Op here.
The thing is ive always still had feelings for my ex but just kept trying to ignore it.
But then i just thought **** it lifes too short, the thought of never been with him again scares me so i just doen it. I know how wrong it is but i dont even feel guilty. I know im a right bitch. But Im in a very hard relationship.
I do love my bf we have a beautiful child together and get on most of the time but i dont think he wants to be with me anymore.

Otis Driftwood

Unregistered wrote: »

i dont even feel guilty. I know im a right bitch. But Im in a very hard relationship.

You dont feel guilty after cheating on the father of child?

What business do you have being in a relationship for so?

News flash,relationships can be hard but going and almost shagging your ex isnt going to help.

You need to sit down and take a long hard look at yourself,you really do.

And saying you dont think he wants to be with you anymore as some kind of validation doesnt wash either.

SarahSassy

You should have figured out if there is a future with your boyfriend before you dropped you hand on the ex.

NickNolte

Tell your boyfriend what you've done. He deserves to know - particularly because you obviously don't really seem to give a s**t about cheating on him. Decide between you whether the relationship is worth saving.

Tar.Aldarion

Relationships are hard going, I don't get why people thing it will be all sun and happiness. There will be ups and downs. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. You cheated on your boyfriend, you have to tell him. You don't even feel guilty you say, then why are you writing this? You have betrayed somebody that loves you, how can you not feel horrible? If you don't feel bad then it's a sign that you should break up with him.

We all make mistakes, and yours is a bad one to make, but you have to sit down and think about what you have done to him and if you love him or not.
You should have the decency to tell him and talk to him about it, and about what you both feel about the relationship, and should you break up and so on.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here.
The thing is ive always still had feelings for my ex but just kept trying to ignore it.
But then i just thought **** it lifes too short, the thought of never been with him again scares me so i just doen it. I know how wrong it is but i dont even feel guilty. I know im a right bitch. But Im in a very hard relationship.
I do love my bf we have a beautiful child together and get on most of the time but i dont think he wants to be with me anymore.

Correction, you think you don't want to be with him anymore. It's not your boyfriends fault.

You may as well tell your boyfriend. You didn't exactly just cheat on just him. Because there's a child involved you are also risking having a proper family for your kid (As in two parents there all the time, not just one visiting every two weeks) so it's more like cheating on a family.

I know how wrong it is but i dont even feel guilty. I know im a right bitch.

This part here shows how little you regard your boyfriend. You should tell him and let him decide what to do.

LegacyUser

I totally agree with everything ye are saying, i always said if you are gonna cheat in a relationship you shouldnt be in it, thats why i cant believe i even done it. It really is out of character.
I know why i done it, i was bored, unhappy needed an ego boost.
In a perfect world if i could be with my ex i would, but i am devoted to my family, if ye can even believe that, i just dont wanna give up on it, but i think by doin what i have done i already have.
my whole life is my relationship our child our home, im afraid to give it up incase there is nothing better out there. I dont want to be bymyself, i dnot want my child to come from a broken home, but i cant go on not bein happy.I dont want to live with regrets

Tar.Aldarion

I think you need to tell your boyfriend this. You can't just use him like this and you two need to work it out, work out what is best for you both and for your child. Many people come from a single parent home and the ones I know have grown up to be great people and even if you break up with your boyfriend, I'm sure he loves his child and will be around to help.

LegacyUser

op here.
I think our relationship has hit a brick wall.
We have had our ups and down, after I had the child I suffered with Post natal depression. I t was a really hard time i don't know how we came through it.
We had planned to get married, have more children but then he tells me he doesnt want to get married anymore, not ready for the commitment ect.
Thats fair enough if he doesnt want to get married but i feel like my whole future has been taking from me, how can you want to marry someone and then not. I had to beg him to stay with me and he did, but it is just festering away at me, thniking he doesnt want me and is just staying for the childs sake.
We have talked about things but whenever I tell him Im unhappy he tells me Im crazy, Im a drama queen and that he'll just leave. Because I was so afraid of him leaving I just let it go and apologise and try get back to normal.
Three of my friends passed away last month, and since then Ive been stepping back and looking at my life. Im not happy the way things are now, but I dont know how to fix them.
Maybe I thought by cheating it would make the decision for me, like Id know if I wanted to be with him or not, but it has just made things worse.

G-Money

Unregistered wrote: »

In a perfect world if i could be with my ex i would

So why is he your ex then? You obviously were with him at some point in the past. If in an ideal world you'd be with him, why didn't you stay with him when you were together?

Otis Driftwood

Reading that post,it appears that neither of you are happy in the relationship so for the sake of your child,you both need to sit down and make the tough decisions.
There is no quick fix here and if ye are staying together for the sake of your child then thats not a good enough reason.

Have you tried couples counselling?

Him threatening to leave when you tell him you are unhappy is his way of controlling you.

If it is like this now,what will it be like in another 5 years time.Children are like sponges and they take in everything around them so long term,staying together and resenting eachother,and a constant air of negative energy would be a hell of alot more detrimental than if ye decide to call it a day,stay civilised to eachother and find someone that will make both of you happy.As Tar.Aldarion stated,many people come from single parent families and they turn out to be perfectly normal and well adjusted adults.

Its not an easy decision,and I would hate to be in your place right now,but for all of your sakes,this cannot continue unabated.

Good luck.

Oh The Humanity

Hi OP, You dont want to be with your boyfriend and he doesn't want to be with you. Thats what's at the bottom of this.

You cant just stay together because you 'dont want your child to come from a broken home' -What will happen is you will just end up having an affair because your needs are not being met at home.

Your boyfriend wanted to marry you but has had a change of heart and you can sense he is just going through the motions for the sake of the kid.

The whole thing is based on staying together for the sake of the child, but thats not going to work. Its better to make a clean break now, the child will grow up used to the situation rather than stay together with this tension and resentment bubbling underneath which the child will sense and suffer from.

He wants out, you want out. Why dont ye just do whats right. Dont force yourselves to stick together when its no good for anybody.

OS119

don't tell your boyfriend, it'll do nothing for your relationship, nothing for your kid and nothing for him - the only person who'll 'feel better' is you.

oh look, what a surprise, selfish person who cheats on BF compounds the 'sin' by making BF feel like sh1t in order to make her feel better. anyone see a pattern?

you very obviously have feelings for your ex, and serious issues with your BF, so sit down, make a decision and try not to rub your BF's nose in it - and 'rubbing his nose in it' includes telling him at any stage that you cheated, coz not only will you (probably) upset him by ending the relationship, you'll definately upset him by saying 'not only did i cheat, but the sex was so good that i'm dumping you'.

if you decide to stay with your BF just forget about it, don't beat yourself up or get all guilt-ridden, just do what you've decided to do - and thats throw yourself into the relationship wholeheartedly.

Terodil

OS119 wrote: »

don't tell your boyfriend, it'll do nothing for your relationship, nothing for your kid and nothing for him - the only person who'll 'feel better' is you. [...] if you decide to stay with your BF just forget about it, don't beat yourself up or get all guilt-ridden, just do what you've decided to do - and thats throw yourself into the relationship wholeheartedly.

I cannot say how unbelievably hurt I would be if I was the bf in question and you tried to pull that trick on me. Yeah maybe I'd end it if you told me, maybe I thought we could make it work. But keeping me in the dark, permanently, is unforgivable. >( Making a mistake initially could be forgiven, if the bf is that magnanimous, but this... this advice is the ultimate breach of trust to top it all off.

Tar.Aldarion

I agree with you Terodil. Even if you are not in love with your boyfriend any more, cheating on him was a massive breach of trust of a person that loves you. The worst thing somebody could do to a person that cares for you. I would at least have enough respect for him to tell him how you feel, to tell him what you did, and not betray him further. Let him think about it, and discuss your relationship a bit after, once he had thought things through a little.

Exon

What goes around comes around!

Tell your boyfriend - You don't diserve him.

LegacyUser

Op here.
I am def not gonna tell my boyfriend, i just don't see the point, he would know who it was, and my ex has a family too there is no point ruining that.
I love my boyfriend, but its so hard coz i was planning our future together and he is just not interested, i have been putting everything in to this relationship but i just feel so unloved and taken for granted.
The thing is we get on great all the time, we are best friends, and were for years before we got together. We always have a laugh together and dont really argue that much, its just there is no passion there, thats why it seems pointless to end it coz we are happy most of the time, im not living a miserable life but since my 3 friends died last month it is giving me a new outlook and i want more from my relationship.

narommy

OH had Post Natal depression.
Are you sure you are over it? Is he over it.
I'm sure the trauma of 3 friends dying has had a big effect your actions.
I agree with not telling OH. Pointless other than to cause grief as you said....do the crime...do the time(guilt). (i'm not innocent of the crime myself)


As for Passion......in my experience it ebbs and flows.

Unregistered wrote: »

op here.
We had planned to get married, have more children but then he tells me he doesnt want to get married anymore, not ready for the commitment ect.
Thats fair enough if he doesnt want to get married but i feel like my whole future has been taking from me, how can you want to marry someone and then not. I had to beg him to stay with me and he did, but it is just festering away at me, thniking he doesnt want me and is just staying for the childs sake.

Speaking of my experience I am 30 with 2 children and a fantastic wife................ however "going through the motions" sounds really familiar to me.

We had out first child year before getting married. Maybe the Post Natal Depressiond (PND) had set in soon after and was masked by Bridezilla Syndrome or PND only set in after marriage but I spent first 2 years of marriage ins shock at the change in OH going through the motions, wondering how on earth I married this girl, my feelings obviously fed into her depression. In end I was seriously depressed. In end it blew up and we sorted it out. I'll never forget it and I'm sure you partner won't either.

I remember thinking that I wouldn't have married her if I could turn back time. I also had major reservations about having another child especially since OH wouldn't admit PND. I wanted another child as much as/more than OH but avoided it for fear of bringing on PND again. In the end we went again and all good so far (still waiting and hoping it doesn't appear) The whole not wanting another child as in your case caused major issues.

(Not wanting to sound like "us poor men" but) I'm sure he is still traumatised and uncertain by your PND. So it is is possible to do a fill 180 turn in relation to marriage/children. It is fear. I am sure he still loves you, if he didn't he would leave regardless of child as my might reckon on balance of probabilities he would get some level of access.

Hope my viewpoint helps

LegacyUser

'...afraid to give it up in case there is nothing better out there'?? I think that says it all.....you're obviously not happy and you are probably best tell your OH that before the s**t really does hit the fan.

crazyy

I think you're cheating is understandable, I'm not saying I condone cheating or anything but I was in a similar sort of situation recently.
I cheated on my boyfriend and though I knew it was wrong, I didn't feel terrible about it. I can't really understand that from myself because it's out of character. I should feel awful because what I did was awful. But I just wanted to try it, I really wanted the other guy that night, I don't know why. I broke up with my boyfriend after because obviously I shouldn't be in a relationship but I don't know if it'd be the same for the OP. Sounds like she has more invested in her relationship. I told my boyfriend aswell, he took it ok and said the break-up was probably for the best. He's a good guy but I don't know if many other guys would take it that well. Cheating isn't good, clearly, but I can understand it in the op's situation, I think you should maybe take a break from the relationship and evaluate what you really want from your current boyfriend and you need to get out of contact with the ex. Unless you want to get back together with the ex and can, there's no point keeping the connection with him. good luck

LegacyUser

narommy wrote: »

OH had Post Natal depression.
Are you sure you are over it? Is he over it.
I'm sure the trauma of 3 friends dying has had a big effect your actions.
I agree with not telling OH. Pointless other than to cause grief as you said....do the crime...do the time(guilt). (i'm not innocent of the crime myself)


As for Passion......in my experience it ebbs and flows.




Speaking of my experience I am 30 with 2 children and a fantastic wife................ however "going through the motions" sounds really familiar to me.

We had out first child year before getting married. Maybe the Post Natal Depressiond (PND) had set in soon after and was masked by Bridezilla Syndrome or PND only set in after marriage but I spent first 2 years of marriage ins shock at the change in OH going through the motions, wondering how on earth I married this girl, my feelings obviously fed into her depression. In end I was seriously depressed. In end it blew up and we sorted it out. I'll never forget it and I'm sure you partner won't either.

I remember thinking that I wouldn't have married her if I could turn back time. I also had major reservations about having another child especially since OH wouldn't admit PND. I wanted another child as much as/more than OH but avoided it for fear of bringing on PND again. In the end we went again and all good so far (still waiting and hoping it doesn't appear) The whole not wanting another child as in your case caused major issues.

(Not wanting to sound like "us poor men" but) I'm sure he is still traumatised and uncertain by your PND. So it is is possible to do a fill 180 turn in relation to marriage/children. It is fear. I am sure he still loves you, if he didn't he would leave regardless of child as my might reckon on balance of probabilities he would get some level of access.

Hope my viewpoint helps

Op here.
I think you are right about him and the PND, he did say that i turned into a completely different person and i wasn't the girl he loved. I know it turned him off having another child he said he couldnt go through that again.
I was hospitalised for a month after we had our child, i know how hard that was on him, he was at home by himself with the baby and doing his final year exams in college, cant blame him for not wanting to take the chance of that happening again
I tried so hard to get better went to counceling and went on anti depressants. I am off them now because oh told me he didnt like me taking them.
I do think i am over it but over the past month i know ive been acting differently, out of character, the death of our 3 friends, i dont know its like im heartless, im goin around like i dont have a care in the world, i cant even stop to think about them in denial i think.
I am totally against cheating in a relationship thats why i cant believe i done it.
I have been ignoring my ex, think ill change my number, but he showed up at my work today , i just want to forget it every happened.
Im not gonna give up on a 5 year relationship. I can't.

LegacyUser

Sorry to bring up an old thread, I was the original poster dont want to start a new thread.
So it has been nearly 6 months since i cheated, i had a talk with my boyfriend didnt tell him i cheated but told him i was at the end of my tether and couldnt keep going the way we were going, so we both deciede to give it a proper go and everything was great till October and now he has just gone back to the way he was again.
I jusr dont understand how you can be with someone if you clearly dont love them. I always kiss him and tell him i love him but 2 months ago i stopped to see if he would notice, it has been 2 months now we havent kissed, hugged or anything, this is not right if he doesnt even notice this.
I really want out of this now, i just cant see away out, i asked him to leave 3 weeks ago and he said no and hasnt brought it up since but just treats me like a flatmate doesnt even talk to me unless someone is in the house.
I was really lookin forward to christmas thought it would be a new beginning, and he was actually nice all that day but woke up the next day the first thing he said to me was 'why the F##k is the heating on' i said because it was freezing and then i went downstairs and was filling the washing machine and he said ' you call that filling a f##ckin washing machine' i just didnt respond, two minutes later i was making tea and spilled some milk he went mad saying' f##ck sake i just cleanded that counter clean it again, actually dont bother you can't even do that right' this is what i listen to day in and day out constant comments about what i do and how i do it wrong. i dont deserve this anymore
sorry for the big rant, just wondering does anyone have any advice on how to leave im scared