Can't cope anymore...

LegacyUser

I'm just not strong enough for this anymore. Can’t go on. Don't even know where to begin or what to do.

There are a number of issues. I'll try and make this brief. Firstly, my Dad is an alcoholic. Have no memories of him sober from when I was growing up. He had a number of affairs throughout the years which I only found out about when he eventually left on xmas day 3 years ago and moved in with another woman. Have had little contact from him over the last few years.

Last xmas he became very ill. My mum got a call from the hospital to say he'd been rushed in to A&E & was lucky to be alive. He was in hospital for 2 months & was told if he had another drink it could kill him. His liver was totally destroyed from the alcohol abuse. When he got out he moved back in here ... couldn’t cope on his own - needed 24hr care from my mum. In the last few weeks he’s started drinking again. And drink driving. Last week I had to physically restrain him from getting into his car when he was drunk. He refuses to get help - thinks he can overcome the alcoholism on his own.

It's me that has to deal with him and his behaviour - my mum suffers from the depression and just can't cope. I’m the one that gets the verbal abuse when he’s drunk. And mum doesn’t want us giving out to him in case he decides just to up and leave again - so the whole families just become a slave to his drinking and his general behaviour. It’s like walking on egg shells being in the house with him & mum just can’t/won’t talk about it ... I can’t fully convey how draining the whole situation is or everything he has done & put me through but it has got to the stage that I dread coming home from work in the evenings and having to interact with him and deal with his unpredictability.

And mums depression is difficult as well ... she has lost all energy. Everything is a struggle for her ... living with her is really bringing me down as well - feel like I’m trying to hold the whole household together - keeping on top of the washing, ironing ... all the little things. I’m the one that’s keeping it all ticking over.

Secondly..my ex boyfriend is a crazy person - I really think he might have mental issues. He's totally unhealthily obsessed with me to the extent that I feel like he's ruining my life. What makes the whole thing so difficult is that I have a 3 year old child with him so I can't just walk away from him. I try and keep him separate from my life but he has ways of worming his way back in. He's done his very best to destroy any relationship I’ve had in the last few years. He rings me about 30 times a day and uses our daughter as an excuse to talk to me - he'll text me things like 'answer your phone, its urgent' when she’s over in his, leaving me no option but to pick up the phone to him.

The thought of being stuck with him as this constant presence in my life for the rest of my life is making me feel physically sick - I'm jealous of girls who have had a baby with someone who didn’t care and left them to deal with everything on their own! I wish he didn't care. I wish he didn’t want anything to do with me and our daughter. He has a hold over me and I don’t know how to get away - I want to leave this country just to escape from him ...

Things came to a head last night. I haven't been on a night out with him in about a year but there was a big college reunion last night which we both ended up going to. There was a lot of drinking - I was quite drunk. When I was leaving he insisted on sharing a taxi and staying in mine - made absolutely no sense but he gave some reason and I accepted it. I’m in the house on my own this weekend as the rest of the family are down the country & so is my daughter. I got him a sleeping bag and said he could sleep on the couch & went up to bed. A few minutes later he came into my room and told me it was too uncomfortable sleeping on the couch and that he wanted to share my bed! so I just said 'no, you have to leave my room, you can’t stay here'. Then he just lay on the floor so I was like 'Get out! You can’t stay here!'.
Next thing I knew, he had hit me full force across the head. Left a big lump. And it was totally out of the blue.

Took me about half an hour to get him out of my house. Had to lock my bedroom door I was so afraid of him coming back. I just don’t know what to do now. I’ve tried being civil with him but he’s crossed a line that there’s no coming back from. If he can’t control his anger around me then what if he loses his temper with my daughter? I don’t feel safe with him anymore & I don’t feel comfortable sending her off on her own with him. I don’t know what to do - I’m at a loss! What if he did something to her?

My friends have been worried about my safety for a while because of him. I mean the stories are just completely insane - he climbed in my bedroom window once when I was out! Then rang to say he'd found condoms & asking why I had them?!

I find myself wishing he was dead - he's ruining my life and I don’t know what to do. Going through the courts to cut him out of my child’s life would be a last resort. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. At the moment he has no rights over her - I'm her only guardian. But he's named on her birth cert so I’d say if he applied for guardianship he’d probably get it.

So they’re my 2 major issues. Added to that a really stressful job. I’m the only one in the family working at the moment so there are a lot of financial difficulties. I haven’t had a single maintenance payment from my daughters dad because he’s still a student/unemployed & she’s starting in preschool this September - have NO idea how I’ll be able to afford it!

Everything’s just getting on top of me. I’m not living. I’m just about surviving. I’m desperate. I can’t continue living like this ... I think it’s starting to affect me physically - the last few weeks I’ve become extremely exhausted. I’ve fallen asleep at my desk a few times, fallen asleep on the phone. I’d just stay in bed all day if I could. Feel really emotional as well ... just start crying for no reason - sometimes have to pull over in the car because I just break down. And not for any reason, I just keep feeling like I want to cry. It’s like I’m losing it - can barely function anymore. Have lost my appetite completely as well ... eating makes me feel physically sick - I’ve lost almost a stone in the last 3 weeks. Which is a lot for me since I was naturally thin to begin with.

I need help but don’t know where to begin. What will I do?

DancingDaisy

I can see that things are really tough for you, and I have to say that right now you and your daughter should be your main priorities.

If your ex became violent with you, I would advise contacting the Gardai and making a complaint. If you are scared of this man, it may possible to apply for a restraining order of some sort. I'm not entirely sure, but your local Garda Station can tell you this. This to me would seem like the most immediate problem. I would also consider applying for an order that your ex has supervised access with your daughter only.

Regards your dad, he has to help himself regards the alcohol, and if he is unwilling to get help then there is very little you can do. I understand that you feel a strong responsibility for your family and you worry about them, but that type of atmosphere can't be good for your daughter, and having a mum who is stressed to the max is definitely not good for her. My advise would be to, if possible, remove yourself from that situation. I know that there may be financial constraints and such but I feel that this is a necessity. Have you any other family, siblings, aunts, uncles etc that can help relieve the pressure at home, and that could possibly speak to your mum, and get her to get help.

I know things seem hard, but keep the chin up and think about you and your daughter first.

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend, but tbh if you don't ring the police after something like that happens then you don't really have much of a right to complain. Essentially what you're doing by not reporting someone like that is exposing your daughter to this crazy behaviour and that's incredibly unfair.


He basically hit you full force in the head because you wouldn't give him a ride. Think about that next time you're handing your daughter over to him..

Esel

Report the assault to the police, and get a barring order as soon as possible. If you have any marks from where he hit you, get them documented immediately either in hospital or by your GP. Afaik, if there is any visible mark, it is then 'assault causing harm', which is more serious, and this would be more helpful to you.

You certainly have a lot of serious issues affecting your life right now - please consider seeing a qualified counsellor, who should be able to help you deal with them.

Nevyn

Go to the your dr get them to make a medical record of the lump an tell the dr what has been happening to you. Take what ever help the dr offers and then go and press charges.
You need to give a clear message that you will not tolerate this abuse from him.

I would also consider keeping you daughter from him for a while until this is sorted out.
If he wants access let him to via the courts and let a judge decide if he is fit to see her after assaulting you.

See if you can get your Mam to talk to her dr too and to go to al anon and look at going yourself.

I also suggest that you leave your father to it, I know it is hard but if he is going to do something stupid then you cant' stop him, was there a social worker in touch when your dad came home, esp if he needs care?

LegacyUser

Yes I understand.
But what would reporting it to the police actually concretely achieve?
What would actually happen if I went down to the station and told them what happened?

Maybe trying to get him to go to a psychotherapist or something to try and sort out his issues would be the best approach?
I don't want to put my daughter at risk but at the same time, cutting her father out of her life would really be my very last preference and i'd like to consider all other options first.

As for the issues at home. I would love to move out but it's just not an option at the moment. I only earn 21k and with having to support my daughter completely by myself I just wouldn't be able to afford rent. Additionally, I work long & unpredictable hours. Sometimes don't get home til 9 or 10 at night so I need my Mum there to help with the childminding.
So I'm stuck at home for now anyway.

LegacyUser

Just about the mark he left - theres a very faint bruise just above my temple. It's by no means a big or serious injury. It's certainly not something I'd need a doctor to look at.
Would they still document it and follow it up or would I be seen as overreacting?

On reflection I do think I'll go down to the station tomorrow. I've nothing to lose. I'll get a friend to come for the support - the whole idea is just kind of intimidating.
There must be an organisation I might be able to go to? Just to discuss things and talk through my options?

Esel

Ìf the bruise is faint, it is very important to have it documented as soon as possible (if this means going to A&E, then go). There is no possibility that any professional (doctor or Garda) will think that you are over-reacting. They deal with cases like yours every day.

When you are reporting the assault to the police, be sure to tell them about the previous incident where he broke into your house. See a solicitor about getting a barring order.

What you have to do is to protect yourself (and your daughter). Do not concern yourself with getting your ex into therapy or anything like that!

Regarding counselling/support for yourself - your GP or the doctor in A&E should be able to give you advice on this. You could also consider The Samaritans - they do 'non-directive counselling' i.e. they will not tell you what to do, but they will advise you on your options and of other agencies that can provide hellp/support. You can call The Samaritans on 1850 606090 or e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Regarding your alcoholic father - http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/ would be a good place to start. Re your mother's illness, you could get good support/information from Aware 1890 303 302 Helpline is open seven days a week from 10am-10pm. From Thursday to Sunday, the helpline also operates until 1am. (They do mention that the helpline can be busy so at times it may be difficult to get through).

You said that your health/diet are suffering too. You know that you have to be as strong as possible to deal with your very challenging situation. When you are speaking to the doctor (A&E or GP), tell them about having lost weight and not feeling able to eat normally. You could also get good advice from a pharmacist about this - they might recommend a good multi-vitamin/tonic that could help.

Is it possible that your employer may have some type of Employee Assistance service that you could avail of? Lean on your friends too - that's what they are for in times like this!

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

Just about the mark he left - theres a very faint bruise just above my temple. It's by no means a big or serious injury. It's certainly not something I'd need a doctor to look at.
Would they still document it and follow it up or would I be seen as overreacting?

You dr will examine you and make notes on your medical records, it doesn't need to be a big bruise or injury. Having the dr look at it means there is a legal record and if needs be your dr can write a letter saying when you came to see them and the fact you had an injury, where it was and how they think you likely got it.

Your dr will not get in touch with the garda but if the garda need to they can get in touch with your dr and so can the courts if needs be or you can ask your dr for a copy of your medical record for the court if needs be.

Unregistered wrote: »

On reflection I do think I'll go down to the station tomorrow. I've nothing to lose. I'll get a friend to come for the support - the whole idea is just kind of intimidating.

I know it is scary but he has been stalking, intimidating and harassing you and he just turned violent and it could get worse.

Unregistered wrote: »

There must be an organisation I might be able to go to? Just to discuss things and talk through my options?

http://www.womensaid.ie/

National free phone number:
1800 341 900
Open 7 days a week from 10am to 10pm

LegacyUser

Great advice there Thaedydal from a top mod and someone who has seen a lot on this site i would trust his opinion OP,


Op this is a very serious situation you are in, it is important to start documenting evidence of how your boyfriend is behaving because you want rid of him for your sanity to come back because right now he is wearing you out. Your friends are right to be worried, take refuge in them and try to start to change your thinking into you being a woman and mother who has no tolerance for any form of violence, or manipulation from any man including your father.


Drastic times call for drastic measures, you need to protect you and your child now, as hard as it may be to let go of your mother and father i think you should be aiming toward this because what will the future hold if this is the reality now, like how much worse does the environment need to be before you realize it is destroying you too.

I have been is the same environment where i needed to get out so desperately and i know exactly what you mean when you say your not living just surviving!

I am so sorry OP to hear how much pressure you are under, you have to find a way out and you can to it in small stages but once your mind says right im going to head in a direction where i will be out of here either next year or the year after you need to aim for this.

You could sign on and move out get rent allowance get on your feet then go back to work? just an idea,


If you keep picking up the pieces in everyday, financially and emotionally your parents will become even more dependent on you, are both of them claiming welfare? you will be surprised when you pull away how things can look after themselves, and i know that from having to do it and feeling totally responsible like you for my family, but when i left i was in bits and had to build myself up for a few years, now i am not surviving anymore i am living, you deserve that to,

You dont have to know how to fix this, you just have to have the want to fix it because when you open up to other solutions you will attract them to you, little steps that you can handle, but keep focusing on what you can do and not what you cant!


Again i really hear how distressing this is OP, and Im very sorry.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
I spoke with my doctor today. She's sending me to get my bloods checked to rule out anything physical that might be causing the tiredness&weight loss. And then she said we can discuss my options.
I haven't gone to the police. I don't think I will...
But I spoke to the doctor about what happened and I'll keep a record myself of this and any future incidents that may happen.

I've gotten myself into a difficult situation financially - I didn't inform the social welfare office that I had started back at work until I had been working for three months. Such a stupid thing to do but at the time I didn't think it was too urgent because I knew I was entitled to back to work allowance and family income supplement which worked out at roughly the same as the single parent allowance I had been getting.
But as I didn't apply for those benefits they wouldn't give them to me retrospectively and I now have to pay them back the 3 months of single parent allowance I wasn't entitled to.
- What is most annoying about this situation is that if I had only informed them I was going back to work I would have still been given 50% of the allowance for 6 months - So I was entitled to the money I actually received (and more) but I just made a mess of it all.
I have NO idea how to pay the money back. & don't think I'll be able to get any form of assistance from them until I do manage to pay it back.

As for my parents getting the dole. Maybe my mum would be entitled to it? My dad owns his own company & personally guaranteed most of its big loans - so now he owes the banks a ridiculous amount of money. The company is still operating though (barely) so I'm not sure if he would be entitled to anything.

But anyway, the bottom line is there is just no way for me to afford to move out for at least another three years when I'll come out of my training contract.
Additionally, I don't think it would be fair on my daughter if we were to move from here to some small little apartment. At the moment we're living in a big house with a big garden & dog who is her best friend! She's better off here even if I'm not.

I think it would really help me to talk to a psychotherapist or counsellor. Again though money is an issue. If I was referred by my GP would my health insurance cover the cost?

I know the primary concern at the moment is the welfare of me and my daughter but ideally for her, she should have a relationship with her father even if I can't. That's why I wanted to see about him going for therapy - if he can deal with his issues then he can still be part of her life which can only be beneficial.

Back to work tomorrow and just not sure if I can face it.... Really hoping a tree falls on me and breaks my leg or something.

OS119

Unregistered wrote: »

I know the primary concern at the moment is the welfare of me and my daughter but ideally for her, she should have a relationship with her father even if I can't. That's why I wanted to see about him going for therapy - if he can deal with his issues then he can still be part of her life which can only be beneficial.

ah yes, a close relationship with a violent, creepy, housebreaking, stalking, lying freak - its what every child needs.

there is a distinct difference between a father and some bloke who squirted his goo up you and who'se boys got lucky, and while i realise you've been badly served by your own 'father' and may therefore have low expectations, you really need to switch on to the idea that the only parameter of what 'should' happen in your daughters life is what will do her good, that which will not - say for instance being around a dying alki, a morbidly depressed granny who does nothing but enable the alki to destroy her life, and a very wierd, pretty frightening, and utterly useless sperm donor - should not be in her life.

this is harsh, but its meant well: so far your daughters upbringing has taught her two things, firstly that if her man is an alcoholic he should be accomodated, when he fcuks off to another woman he should mourned, and when the idiots' drinking starts to kill him he should be welcomed home, looked after and enabled to destroy the lives around him, secondly she has been taught that when a drunk man who she doesn't like tries to climb into bed with her, and then beats the sh1t out of her, that she shouldn't go to the police.

please read that a few times and decide whether thats a good foundation for your daughter, and then decide whether thinking it isn't, but not doing much about it does anything other than ensure its repeated.

even if you end up in a bedsit in a sh1tarse tip of a place you'll be doing yourself and your daughter a favour. you need to look after you, other peoples problems - being a dying alki, not being able to tell a dying, cheating alki to fcuk off and die in a ditch, or being a nutter who can't handle rejection - are just that, other peoples problems.

don't tell them where you live, buy a new SIM card at two quid. get a new life - yours is pretty rubbish.

Ave Sodalis

OP, have you ever read The Secret?

LegacyUser

I think you are surrounded by toxic people and of course they are having a negative effect on you. However, they are only in your life because you allow them to be.

My mother is a very toxic person so I just cut her out of my life. Changed my phone number and moved. Done and dusted. I realised that she had a profoundly negative effect on me. I am now a much happier person because I wrote her off. However, she would use siblings against me so since that had a negative effect as well I wrote them off too. After many years, I slowly let selected family members back into my life. However, they had to show that they they had changed and had to make a genuine effort to prove this to me. After all, I wasn't the one asking to be apart of tier lives. You need to be up front with them and tell them "goodbye".

In my opinion you need to cut these toxic people out completely and start building a life without them otherwise you will continue to be miserable.

As far as this guy goes, hitting someone is assault. Don't let him in your home again and contact the Guards to file a report.

I think once you do this you start to work on your problems.