Is it over for good?

LegacyUser

Hi there, first off, apologies for the long post.

I have been going out with a Czech girl for over three years now, on and off. We met in a club and hit if off from the beginning. At the start it was her doing all the running, non stop phone calls etc, after a while we fell in love with each other. We spent all our time together, I never went out with the lads anymore. If I went out for a drink, it was with her. She was my lover and best buddy. Her friends complained that she never spent any time with them and mine complained the same.

After a while she decided to move back to Czech Republic as she had to finish her final two years in college. This is something we both new would happen, but never talked about. She had plans to spend six months here and have a bit of fun, not fall in love and in a longterm relationship. We agreed that we would visit each other every three weeks, thanks tto Ryanair. When I visited she had arranged for me to have an interview in an Irish bar on my second day there! I had planned a one week holiday but she obviously planned for me to stay. I gave it a shot and gotthe job as assitant bar manager, pay was relatively bad, but I was recently made redundant so money was not really an issue at the time. I wanted to try and make things work between us.

After a while, I began to get homesick. I missed my friends and family. She spent all day in college and I spent all night in work. During the day I got a bit lonely and the highlight would be me making lunch for her in the afternoon. After work would always be the same routine, "one sweat beer" and then off to a club for an hour or so to unwind with the same people each night. I only got one night off during the week so that was really all our "alone time". Even when over there, I started to apply for jobs over the web and had an interview in an ideal job for myself. She was in tears when she found out but I had to get home as I was homesick and the job would be ideal.

I got the job, we stayed in touch every day via emails, skype, phone calls etc and she visited me three times and I visited her twice over a four month period. On one of my visits I suspected she was putting pressure on me to stay and I got angry and said some things I regretted, and will do for the rest of my life. Moment of madness, it was the first time I ever said a bad word to her. After that, we split up.

I was in a pretty bad place after we broke up and turned to drink and one night stands trying to get over it. Bad idea. She kept trying to get in touch with me, but I couldnt talk to her at the time. She told me she still loved me and didnt know if we where doing the right thing in breaking up. This was all driving me around the bend, so I decided I would get in touch with her once I sorted my head out, in my own time.

In the meantime, she went to Turkey for a summer job as a rep. I called her one day to see how she was getting on and she said she needed to get away from Czech as it reminded her to much of me. She had an "admirer" while there who she spent some time with. She slept with him once, and he took it that they where an item.

She came home after the summer and wanted to meet me, so she came over to Dublin. It was just like old time from the start. We went to the pub and had a few drinks and some food. We spent the rest of the week as a "couple. When she left I was back to square one. In bits again. We kept in contact every day and she visited again.

We are still in contact now, I asked her to come back over and give it one more chance. She said she will think about it and let me know. She got offered a really good job in Czech and would have no chance of getting similar employment in Ireland. Her family are also having problems at the moment and she decided to stay in Czech. She said she was still in love with and did not believe this was the end. She believed it would work out somehow, I told here I deal in the real world, not Holywood but that I hoped she was right. I was disappointed with her decision but I understood.

She wanted to come to Dublin again to meet me, but I was up to my eyeballs at the time. She asked to come over on the Thursday, and I only got back to her on the Monday as I had no internet access and I had no charger for my phone. I was working flat out down the country. She was a pit p*ssed that I didnt get back in touch with her, but it was a genuine mistake. I was busy busy busy.

She started the new job two weeks ago, had her induction and then had three weeks off until the offical start date. She played along that she was working away in Czech, but was really on holidays in Turkey with her two friends. I knew this.

I rang her last night and asked her straight up, how was her holiday in Turkey. I got a bit annoyed and she is a very defensive person. Heated words where exchanged. I calmed down after a while and apologised for losing the rag a bit. She explained that she didnt tell me as she knew I would get annoyed if she went to Turkey. I caught her out and she resorted to tears and then went on the defensive. I should have approached it in a different way.

She lent me a grand to help pay for a new car last year. While I was over in Czech I paid for the rent for the apartment. When she came to Dublin I paid for the flights. When we went down the country, I paid for the hotels, food and drink etc etc. So, in my mind, we where in a relationship and I didnt owe her cash. Oh, how wrong was I, it was obviously something that pissed her off and I didnt realise it. She let go at me last night ,on the phone, about it. She asked for it once or twice in passing and I said yeah, I will send it on, but I have bought a trip to America for the two of us as it is a surprise for her birthday and was going to give her the grand plus another one as part of the present. She has travelled around the world, but never been to the states and I promised her I would bring her. I still have the tickets and plan to bring her, even just as friends. Its important for me to do this as I planned it ages ago, and I still love her. In retrospect, I should have paid her back straight away, my mistake.

Anyway, my question is, is there any chance this could work out between us, I desperately want it to. When I see a new cafe or restaurant, the first thing in my head is "Oh, X would love that place, I will bring her when shes over next". Am I fighting a losing battle, should I just give up and get on with my life? Should I keep in contact with her? Should I visit her and vice versa? Any advice greatly appreciated.

LegacyUser

Oh and I am 24 and she is 26.

useful_contacts

your not going to like what i have to say but she is selfish- its all about what she wants- she wanted you to stay with her in a job you didnt like and got thick when you looked for other jobs online

Then when you asked her to come back she got thick and said she liked her job and family needed her(yet she set up an interview for you without asking)

and then the money thing...

honey sorry know you want us to say "be with her" but from what i have read she is selfish

LegacyUser

useful_contacts wrote: »

your not going to like what i have to say but she is selfish- its all about what she wants- she wanted you to stay with her in a job you didnt like and got thick when you looked for other jobs online

Then when you asked her to come back she got thick and said she liked her job and family needed her(yet she set up an interview for you without asking)

and then the money thing...

honey sorry know you want us to say "be with her" but from what i have read she is selfish

Thanks for your response. I do not think she is selfish really, she plans ahead for things and decides that what she wants. Stubborn, maybe. Not selfish though.

She didnt get thick when I searched for jobs online, just got upset. Really upset. I regret leaving now to be honest, I should of given it a year. Wouldnt be in this mess now.

Shes had a death in the family recently and her sister is in a dodgy relationship. It is a close knit family. I dont know this for definite, but her family do not like me. I can speak very little Czech and am a "foreigner" in their eyes. They treat me like royality when I am around, but I am not so sure they are so nice behind my back.

Do you think she made too much of a big deal over the money? I do owe it to her for over a year, but in my mind I paid the debt tenfold, paid for rent while in Czech, her flights over and back, we stayed in a four star hotel over the New Year, cost me 600 euro in total when we go out I always pick up the tab etc etc. Maybe a cultural thing. I will pay her back by bank transfer on Monday morning. If she is desperate for a grand she can have her bloody money. Oh, when on the phone to her yesterday, she said she didnt respect me as a person because I didnt pay her back the money. Money was never an issue with me, whats mine is yours etc etc.

Thanks for your response.

LegacyUser

As far as an ongoing relationship goes, the critical thing is HER interest level, not yours! For now it suits her to have you on the end of a string financing her lifestyle in the Czech Republic and paying for travel etc.

Tell her that if she wants a relationship with you, then she will have to come here to live. If she wants you, she will.

Moomoo1

I think the money issue is a red herring - she probably was upset and wanted something to have a go at you over, and this was the first thing that sprung to mind. It's true that Eastern European women sometimes expect men to pay for everything, but this is taking it a bit far.

Unfortunately, the only way this will work out would be for one of you to move to a foreign country. That's stating the obvious. I think that if you can overcome that hurdle, things should go well, if you don't, it probably won't happen.

Call her and try to make up (and tell her that if she really wants the money back, you'll pay her), and then move on from there. But make sure that every time you go over there you agree exactly what the deal is with how long you'll be staying.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think the money issue is a red herring - she probably was upset and wanted something to have a go at you over, and this was the first thing that sprung to mind. It's true that Eastern European women sometimes expect men to pay for everything, but this is taking it a bit far.

That might be a bit harsh, she is a student so genuinely has little spare cash.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Unfortunately, the only way this will work out would be for one of you to move to a foreign country. That's stating the obvious. I think that if you can overcome that hurdle, things should go well, if you don't, it probably won't happen.

True, but for the moment that cannot happen, shes just started a new job and I cannot leave Ireland. Maybe in time. The question is, am I just prolonging the agony by staying in touch and meeting every so often.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Call her and try to make up (and tell her that if she really wants the money back, you'll pay her), and then move on from there. But make sure that every time you go over there you agree exactly what the deal is with how long you'll be staying.

I will do, I will leave her be for the next few days and enjoy her holiday. I will call her when she gets back home. I am worried about her being in the same place as the other guy who was after her last summer. We are officially broken up and she will be on the rebound. Its not a nice feeling as I know there is nothing I can do. Feel quite helpless.

LegacyUser

Unregistered-2 wrote: »

As far as an ongoing relationship goes, the critical thing is HER interest level, not yours! For now it suits her to have you on the end of a string financing her lifestyle in the Czech Republic and paying for travel etc.

Tell her that if she wants a relationship with you, then she will have to come here to live. If she wants you, she will.

I did ask her that. But the moment was not right for her, she has family problems and was just offered a new job. She said she thought it would work out in the end, somehow. I cannot leave Dublin either at the moment. My question is am I wasting my time and prolonging the agony by staying in touch for the time being and meeting every so often.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

My question is am I wasting my time and prolonging the agony by staying in touch for the time being and meeting every so often.

Most likely you are...

I would put her to the back of my mind for now, get out and about and enjoy life in the present. Try to meet new girls and move on cos there is no immediate solution to this which will make both of ye happy.

Moomoo1

I would call her before she leaves Turkey - just to make peace. It may be that she feels a lack of attention, I don't know. But most likely she's just as frustrated with things as you are.

LegacyUser

Dont be a fool for her....

She was obviously in Turkey the second time for the love interest she has there. Dont fool yourself that she is not s;eeping with him!
Now she wants the money back. If she cared about you the money wouldnt be a problem

This girl is playing you big time

Moomoo1

Since they are broken up, why shouldn't she go for the other guy?

OP, on the money thing, the fact she is struggling with money isn't relevant. She could have asked you nicely for the money back, not like this.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

Dont be a fool for her....

She was obviously in Turkey the second time for the love interest she has there. Dont fool yourself that she is not s;eeping with him!
Now she wants the money back. If she cared about you the money wouldnt be a problem

This girl is playing you big time

+1

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Dont be a fool for her....

She was obviously in Turkey the second time for the love interest she has there. Dont fool yourself that she is not s;eeping with him!
Now she wants the money back. If she cared about you the money wouldnt be a problem

This girl is playing you big time

Yeah, thats my worst fears to be honest. She does have a couple of good friends over there, she says she is over with them. She hasnt been in touch with the other chap since last year. I dont want to accuse her of anything. I will ring her in a while, if she doesnt answer that will tell me all I need to know I reckon.

I am a good reader of people, I dont think I am being "played".

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Since they are broken up, why shouldn't she go for the other guy?

OP, on the money thing, the fact she is struggling with money isn't relevant. She could have asked you nicely for the money back, not like this.

Suppose she can get with him if she wants to, if I am honest I suspect she already has, a holiday fling.

She di ask for the money before, but I had other plans, see my OP regarding the New York trip.

LegacyUser

You say that she is very well travelled, then why would she not go somewhere else other then back to Turkey if it wasn't to see that guy who is interested in her?

Speaking from experience after having a Czech girlfriend, they are high maintenance and very promiscuous, not a good combination IMO.

I'd chalk this one down to experience and move on because it seems like she is only out to make herself happy and doesn’t really give a toss about one other then herself.

LegacyUser

I was in touch with her by email, here is her response;

"Xxxx theres so many things i would love to say i dont even know where to start ... you know me im not good with letters:)

WHY would i try to keep you? what for? to get more presents from you, or holidays, or maybe my money after 1 year back??? you honestly cant believe that!

I love you, i know it, but at the same time i´m afraid that the two of us together again in normal relationship seems impossible, maybe im wrong here...we went through so many things, we had great time, bad time and now i dont even now how to call last few months...what was it? i dont know! I love you, you love me but still we give each other hard time and you dont trust me about guys (which seems to me sooooo silly) and i dont trust you in different things (that might seem silly to you of course)

I thought that i would be never able to tell you goodbye and never talk again but maybe you were right when you wanted to break up for good...you tried to do that quite few times already and i always made you to stay:) I still cant imagine i wont ever talk to you again but maybe we should quit for some time, we might meet in couple of years and get back together, i dont know .... or maybe this whole email is bull****!

I know i didnt come with anything new here but I m really lost here! Honestly im not sure if i´m ready to live back in dublin or what i want to do...im not trying to prolong it, i just really cant decide.....

ach jo xxxx im not trying to hurt you here i just dont know how to get out of this never ending circle

do i make any sence here? any ideas from your side?"

Thinking back now, my OP made it out to be mostly her fault, but I am no angel either. There are certain things I do that p*ss her off, things that I could easily change. I am going to play it easy for the moment but intend to win her back.

Any advice or opinion?

Moomoo1

what doesn't she trust you in?

I may be wrong, but from what I've read the problem wasn't having to live in Prague per se, but how you were treated there: asked to come for a week and then when you came expected to stay forever (dishonesty), expected to take up a job which meant you hardly ever saw her (neglect), generally being taken for granted etc etc.

Have you explained to her exactly why you left Prague? Not just because you were homesick, but because her arrangements there for you weren't satisfactory?

LauraLoo

Unregistered wrote: »

Do you think she made too much of a big deal over the money? I do owe it to her for over a year, but in my mind I paid the debt tenfold

When you get a loan from somebody you pay it back. If you wish to pay it back in ways such as paying for rent etc, then you need to discuss that with the person first and make it an arrangement. You cant just presume that you paid it back based on your generosity- she still has it registered in her head that you owe her money.

It does seem that you care about her and maybe she does too, but you both need to communicate more effectively as there are many "misunderstandings" such as the money owed, the fact that you are paying for everything (can this be sustained in the long term?), her being in turkey without you knowing and you getting annoyed over it and you presuming that her family dislike you (even though they treat you very well??) You also mentioned that neither of you were seeing any of your friends- can that be sustained in the long term?

Maybe if you can open up and discuss things out in the open, in the moment, things could happen for the long term. But it seems that you dont want to move to her country and she doesnt want to move to yours. How can either one of you compromise over that?

eth0_

She sounds like a selfish flake. Any relationship that has so much drama is not worth the stress.

As for the money - who does she think she is, asking for the 1000 euro back when you've paid rent on an apartment for her, and her flights? That is taking the mick!

And why are you going to give her *2000* as a 'present'? Couples don't tend to give each other cash gifts..

LegacyUser

LauraLoo wrote: »

When you get a loan from somebody you pay it back. If you wish to pay it back in ways such as paying for rent etc, then you need to discuss that with the person first and make it an arrangement. You cant just presume that you paid it back based on your generosity- she still has it registered in her head that you owe her money.

You are 100% right, it was a breakdown of communication, I have lodged the money in her account, it should have cleared by now. Lesson learned.

LauraLoo wrote: »

It does seem that you care about her and maybe she does too, but you both need to communicate more effectively as there are many "misunderstandings" such as the money owed, the fact that you are paying for everything (can this be sustained in the long term?), her being in turkey without you knowing and you getting annoyed over it and you presuming that her family dislike you (even though they treat you very well??) You also mentioned that neither of you were seeing any of your friends- can that be sustained in the long term?

Again, you are 100% right. All these problems can be sorted with better communication. Lesson learned, I presume too much.

LauraLoo wrote: »

Maybe if you can open up and discuss things out in the open, in the moment, things could happen for the long term. But it seems that you dont want to move to her country and she doesnt want to move to yours. How can either one of you compromise over that?

I am learning Czech in my spare time, maybe in a couple of months I can relocate, I will try and sort out our problems first as I want it to work. I dont want anybody else.

@Eth0

I promised to bring her to the states for shopping, she has just finished college so has little dough. No point in bringing someone abroad for shopping if they have no cash. Part of the present.

eth0_

No offence but you sound really soft. I can't believe you paid her the thousand euro in the end - is she going to reimburse you for the flights and rent on her apartment now?

bonobox

OP, after reading all of this it really looks like you are being walked all over here and strung along. I especially mean the way you are thinking now. YOU are paying back the cash, YOU are giving her extra dosh for the holiday, YOU are wining and dining her, YOU are hving to move to the Czech republic, get a job there and try and endure homesickness. SHE organised the job behind your back (maybe helpful at the time but still), SHE is off enjoying holidays and her mail sounds very non commital I think. Now YOU are talking of moving to the Czech republic again and learning Czech! Come on!!

Maybe it's the way it's come across but she sounds like she's not doing much of the running and you are doing most of it. For heaven's sake moving to a new country permanently is a big move. If you were homesick last time how will you know it's suddenly going to be better this time? How do you know that you'll be able to work out your problems along the way over there? I'd say do one of two things,
1. Sit down over a weekend (I don't care if it's here or in the Czech Republic and iron out where you both stand. Be sure you're certain before you move anywhere permanently.
2. Find out where you both see yourselve's going. You can't be getting on with your own career if you're chopping and changing and living in a headwrecking environment like that being created by this relationship.

My own gut feeling is that it's all not worth it and it'd be better for the both of you if you agreed to call it a day and move on. You're both young enough still to ge tout and meet lots of interesting people and have some fun. It's not my relationship though.

YT

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah, thats my worst fears to be honest. She does have a couple of good friends over there, she says she is over with them. She hasnt been in touch with the other chap since last year. I dont want to accuse her of anything. I will ring her in a while, if she doesnt answer that will tell me all I need to know I reckon.

I am a good reader of people, I dont think I am being "played".

Love is blind.

How many times has a physically abused spouse said " He/she didn't mean it"?

Harsh I know, but true.

LegacyUser

You may be right, she is flying back home tonight and said we should talk over the weekend. She can call me, for once its me doing all the running. Now its her turn, if she wants to that is.