Two Tortured Souls - Any Advice?

LegacyUser

I write this in an absolute state. If anyone has any advice, anything at all, please let me know becaused I dont know what to do.

I am here in an America college for the summer and am returning home in less than 3 weeks now. Met many people while here but because it was a relatively short stay, havent really got a chance to be close friends with anyone, but many friends/future good friends. One week ago exactly, my time here was turned upside down when I least expected it. I was at a party with a friend of a friend (only way to meet people) and his friend when their friend walked in the room. I have never expereinced love at first sight nor thought I would but this was it. He blew me away, from the start. His looks, personality, charm, goodness and kindness were all so spectacular to me. We danced that night, I felt such a spark, a spark which I hadnt felt in so long.

I left the party on an absolute high. I coulndt believe I had met someone that not only did i find him immensley interesting but also was attracted to him so much. Again, something that I have been waiting for but never thought I would get.

So of course all the thoughts are racing. Im only here 3 more weeks, whats to be gained, but better a few weeks of fun than noting at all, maybe he doenst feel that way, long distance thing, there are ways and means etc etc but the abiding feeling was I cant believe I have found nearly exactly what I was looking for in a person.

Gang meet up again midweek and me and him talk all night long at the bar, to the exclusion of everyone else, rude really. he really opened up to me and we had one of those deep and meaningful conversations. Well he did the talking as I dont really do deep and meaningful but he seemed to need to. We really got to know each other. Then he asked me was I ever in love (no) and if i believed in true love (yes) and he told me about his current situation. Was in a relationship with a Russian girl in his college who was actually engaged to be married to someone else. He (my guy) couldnt give her what she needed which was to get married so she could stay in the country and even though they loved each other he had to break it off with her as he just couldnt commit to that. So she went off and got married to other guy. Seemed to be fairly cut up about it. Then he got drunk (these Americans and their drink!!) but that made me only fall for him deeper. He was like a toddler when drunk, just needing sleep, adorable really.

Met again last night, went to the gangs house. Just 4 of us there. I was on my guard tonight as I could feel that soemthing was amiss. He spoke about his situation again, the Russian girl rang him, wants to keep in contact, a lets stay friends things. My guy isnt so sure, just needs a break. Makes me thing that all this happened recently. I have heard of that phrase a tortured soul and thats what I thought about him, he looked like he was in agony, hunched over and sick-like, like his heart was broken and hes just trying so so hard to figure things out. Was he right to break it off with her? Could they have gotten married? Why did she not wait and not marry other guy? Why wont she leave him alone now? Thanked me for our conversation the previous night again, said he had a lot of stuff pent up inside and was good to get it out.

So all that brings me back to me. I am absolutely, truely mad about this guy. And anyone who knows me would be in shock for me to say that. I have a problem that I wont settle. I will not settle for a boyfriend of even short term who I dont 100% get on with like I would a friend and want to hang out and wont settle for someone that I am not attracted to and passionate about/with. So recently I was only thinking 'this is too much to ask for, I will never find someone like this'. But I just did. (im in tears here).

I really dont know what to do now. My heart is starting to break thinking that I can never have him. Probablly similar to how he feels about his Russian girl. I was all for me telling him how I feel, just to let him know how special I think he is, just indicating my interest but admitting that I realise nothing can happen. But that was before I saw how tortured he was. In great form normally, very melancholic last night. Me telling him my feelings would do no good, hes head and heart are somewhere else right now and I dont want to wreck it further by throwing my own feelings into the ring.

But the abiding feeling is that, when I return home, I may never find that feeling that I have when I meet him, when we talk about mundanne things, or deeper things, when he smiles at me that I cant help smiling back (more tears), that I just want to reach to him and touch him and that I just ever so innocently want to be near him all the time.

If I was here longer my advice for myself would be to give him time, let he sort himself out and be there for him and then when he is back on track perhaps I could see if something would develop. But I have less than 3 weeks now...so I may return home to ireland with all these feelings and no resolution to them and feel like crap and have no way of resolving them becasue he is here and I will be there and only facebook or some similar interface between us.

Side comment 1: He said that the Russian girl must be realising what she is missing with him as he awakened something inside her that she never felt before, a passion. I feel that way about him-I have feelings I never felt before.

Side comment 2: He commented that people in the US too often settle in relationships (like what his Russian girl did) and he was not one to settle. Me neither, to my detriment I refuse to settle. But I feel I may have to now.

So really all I want to know from someone who was that 'tortured soul': should I tell him and risk wrecking his head more, tell him and maybe it would make him feel better, tell him and maybe it would take his mind off his heartache for a while. Or if, when you are so consumed with this sadness, could me doing that be a deathnell to our friendship.

From someone who may have been in a simiar situ to me: what did you do, just leave it and let time mend your own heart?

My main feeling, no matter what transpires in the next few weeks is that now I know how I should feel when I am in love (even early stages) and I cant imagine myself finding that again.

Thanks for listening!

winking weber

You are building this guy up way too much in your head. You really have to try and contain that. Your best chance with him is to back off and let him come to you if he wants. His head is still obviously wrecked about this Russian girl and if he were really over her, he wouldnt be confiding in you to such an extent.

I have felt what you are feeling now before. Believe me, it does subside to realism. You might even think that hes a bit of a d1ck in future. I'm not saying he is but he might be. You do not know him.

LegacyUser

Listen, in all fairness I think you need a dose of reality. You know the guy exactly one week. It seems you are experiencing infatuation which is possibly heightened by the fact that you have to leave so soon and that he is still obsessing over someone else. I think many people have felt what you have felt, but in such a short space of time you really are not letting yourself look at the situation logically. You don't actually 'know' the guy at all - impossible to really know someone after months - never mind a week. The best thing for you to do is to back off - for your own good - you are wrecking your own head and tormenting yourself by surrouunding yourself with him so often. Take a step back, enjoy tour last 3 weeks in the states, go shopping, go sight seeing, take pictures, meet up with other friends etc. You can always keep in contact with the guy and see how things progress from there, even when u are back in Ireland. I know this can work as I did long distance with my American OH for over a year (we're together 5 and a half year now). But for now it seems that he is too consumed thinking about his Russian girl, and really, he couldn't be a good bf for anyone at this moment in time when he is still not over her. You both need space and time. Good luck