So Annoyed!

jen_23

I'm so annoyed over my family taking me for granted all the time!

At the moment I pretty much look after everything in the house that needs to be done.
Also got a dog recently so I get up at 3am to let him out 5am to get ready for work get home and start on house-work/washing/dinner...

Now my brother has really p'd me off!
They are going away for the weekend and leaving the baby with his wifes mom. which is fine no problem.

he asked me to go stay with his wifes mom because she was afriad to stay in the house alone!! (no relation to me whatsoever!)

Told him I didn't want to so got his wife to ring me later and ask againa s he knew I wouln't say no to her. Now I'm exhausted from my early mornings and really look forward to weekends just to have a glass of wine and 'chill out' after my week.

I can't do that. I have to also bake a christening cake for my other brother as my nephews christening is tomo so I'll be a while doing that today. Then I must go down to babysit the grandmother and instead of having a lie in I must get up early to come home and get ready for the christening.

I'm sick of my family thinking I have nothing better to do than do everything they ask of me.

Is it too much to ask that some part of my weekend revolve around what I want to do????

Got so annoyed while ago I actually broke the coffee jar in the kitchen (oops) Think I just need to vent!

Nevyn

Firstly you don't have to do a damned thing and secondly you need to assert yourself and sorry I have plans.

SarahSassy

Well you have only yourself to blame....

jen_23

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well you have only yourself to blame....

Very helpful thanks alot.

You try being sleep deprived for 3 weeks maybe getting on average 20-25 hours of BROKEN sleep a WEEK.(when used to getting about 50-60)
Running a house-hold (which by the way is my family home not actually my home i live in with a partner and someone left the house who did the house-work as they did not work themselves) because you don't get any help and it has to be done - on top of trying to do a stressful masters which you start at 6am! because you had to change your work hours to mind a dog.

A dog which someone else was SUPPOSED to be here during the day which fell through so my life has completely gone upside frign down over the last few weeks. (and don't get me wrong would not change having the dog 0 just was supposed to be a little different)
With all my responsibitilites i'm lucky to make it to bed for 11 which would be an early night.

Then I get roped into making christening cakes which wouldn't be so bad if my other brother realised I have more things to be doing than babysitting his frign mother in law.


But thank you for being so helpful and pointing out that it's all my fault. Very helpful in deed.

littlefriend

jen_23 wrote: »

Very helpful thanks alot.

You try being sleep deprived for 3 weeks maybe getting on average 20-25 hours of BROKEN sleep a WEEK.(when used to getting about 50-60)
Running a house-hold (which by the way is my family home not actually my home i live in with a partner and someone left the house who did the house-work as they did not work themselves) because you don't get any help and it has to be done - on top of trying to do a stressful masters which you start at 6am! because you had to change your work hours to mind a dog.

A dog which someone else was SUPPOSED to be here during the day which fell through so my life has completely gone upside frign down over the last few weeks. (and don't get me wrong would not change having the dog 0 just was supposed to be a little different)
With all my responsibitilites i'm lucky to make it to bed for 11 which would be an early night.

Then I get roped into making christening cakes which wouldn't be so bad if my other brother realised I have more things to be doing than babysitting his frign mother in law.


But thank you for being so helpful and pointing out that it's all my fault. Very helpful in deed.

Get off the cross in fairness.. Teach people how to treat you and stand up for yourself.
What do you want ppl here to say??

SarahSassy

To be frank, you sound like a crazed lunatic in your rant there. You cant get roped into making a cake unless you say yes.

You are doing your masters over the summer?

If the person who owns the dog cant mind it then send it to a kennel and let them pay. Its not your job.

Is your partner not willing to help you run your own home?

There is a touch of the martyr going on here.

beertons

Make other plans and leave. Window shopping is a plan, going to the liabrary to read a book too. "Down tools and go" as the man would say.....

The Big Red Button

You're a grown woman, no one can make you do anything. If you keep letting yourself be walked over and taken advantage of, people will keep walking all over you and taking advantage of you, simple as that.

This dog seems to be a major issue - is it yours? If it is, maybe you should consider selling it, if it's not, then it's not your problem.

I'm sure some of the time you like being seen as the responsible, reliable person that can always be counted on. But it's obviously just gotten out of hand at the moment. Cut back a bit, say no to people. They won't be happy, but they'll get used to it!

Standing up to them will do you a lot more good than bitchin bout it on an internet forum ... and it may even reduce your risk of a stomach ulcer in the near future!

centre half

Sarah is right I'm afraid, you only have yourself to blame at the end of the day. You're the one letting people walk on you, then come on here to tell us how you feel.

Tell your family this, not us, because it's not us that asks you to do all these things. Welcome to the big bad world, which by the way is gonna swallow you up whole if you don't cop yourself on

The Big Red Button

jen_23 wrote: »

I guess I came here looking for advice on How to say no to people when your so used to be being taken for a fool who does everything for everyone.

There's no point in pretending that your family are going to take this easily, especially if you've always done everything without argument. There'll probably be rows over it and you just have to accept that.

If I were you, I'd go ahead and do whatever you've agreed to do this weekend. Then tell them, you're doing your masters, you only have one shot at it, so you will be focussing on that 100% for the summer and they will just have to make other arrangements for everything else. Maybe agree that you'll give one day a week to helping them in the house - but that is it. And stick to it. If they got a dog, it's up to them to look after it or pay someone to look after it - otherwise they can sell it.

Just lay down your terms and stick to it - they'll probably harass you a bit and call you selfish or whatever, but just remember your main responsibility is to yourself.

the_syco

jen_23 wrote: »

I can say no to my family fine (well some of the time it's easier to say no to them)
But when someone else asks me I feel bad for saying no and not helping out.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. And you then say

jen_23 wrote: »

But thank you for being so helpful and pointing out that it's all my fault. Very helpful in deed.

Your entire family sees you as a spineless doormat. The brother gets his wife to ask, knowing you'll back down. You are already starting to crack (the coffee jar), and soon enough you WILL loose it completely.

You want the cold hard truth? You, madam, are heading straight towards a mental breakdown. With a broken routine of sleeplessness, the masters, the job, etc, my question is: when will it happen?

My advice: tell them all to f**k off. Maybe in a nicer way, but unless they see you getting some spine, they'll continue taking the piss.

jen_23

SarahSassy wrote: »

To be frank, you sound like a crazed lunatic in your rant there. You cant get roped into making a cake unless you say yes.

You are doing your masters over the summer?

If the person who owns the dog cant mind it then send it to a kennel and let them pay. Its not your job.

Is your partner not willing to help you run your own home?

There is a touch of the martyr going on here.

Yes it's a research masters over two years(full time so summer and all) and I'm at the end of it.

He is my dog just someone else who since left was supposed to have partial responsibility mainly during the time I was at work.

I live at home with another family member who doesn't do much.

beertons wrote: »

Make other plans and leave. Window shopping is a plan, going to the liabrary to read a book too. "Down tools and go" as the man would say.....

Thanks Beertons.

chatterpillar wrote: »

You're a grown woman, no one can make you do anything. If you keep letting yourself be walked over and taken advantage of, people will keep walking all over you and taking advantage of you, simple as that.

This dog seems to be a major issue - is it yours? If it is, maybe you should consider selling it, if it's not, then it's not your problem.

I'm sure some of the time you like being seen as the responsible, reliable person that can always be counted on. But it's obviously just gotten out of hand at the moment. Cut back a bit, say no to people. They won't be happy, but they'll get used to it!

Standing up to them will do you a lot more good than bitchin bout it on an internet forum ... and it may even reduce your risk of a stomach ulcer in the near future!

The dog is mine and I wouldn't sell him for the world! He's just a puppy and things aren't his fault. The situation changed before he got here.

I know I have to start standing up. But I just don't think I've ever done it!

SarahSassy

Well just say 'I would love to help you but unfortunately I cannot'. You dont owe them an explanation if they ask why.

littlefriend

You are tired and stress out which is understandable.
I don't get why you have to clean your family home when you don't live there or do you live there??

quote - ''Running a house-hold (which by the way is my family home not actually my home i live in with a partner and someone left the house who did the house-work as they did not work themselves)

then
quote ''I live at home with another family member who doesn't do much.

I think you should say you aren't available for babysitting tonight. If you really can't get out of it, tell your brother that you want to discuss this with him when he gets back from his break. Would your brother babysit your partners mother for you - I doubt it.

Getting up at 3am is ludicrous. Stop doing that. Why are you getting up at 3 to let a dog out at 5?

Your posts are a little confusing. Bottom line is you are either going to continue as things are or STOP. Baking cakes for your god child's christening is a pretty normal thing to do but killing yourself so that everyone else's lives are easier is not. I think you should think about what you want to say to your family over the weekend and when you have calmed down tell each of them that they need to stop expecting you to do everything for them.

Oh The Humanity

You are making your own life a misery.

YOU define your own boundaries, not other people. There is no point allowing everyone else to define what you do and then getting mad at them for being unreasonablly demanding.

If you put our your hand you will get slapped, so stop putting out your hand.

The whole central reason you are putting yourself through all this discomfort of being used as a dogbody is

I feel bad for saying no and not helping out.

You feel bad.

But you feel bad being used as a slave too.

Which is worse?

You have to learn to say no. You cant have it both ways. If you are going to allow people to use you like a gilly then you cant complain.

If you learn to say no you wont have any more sworries.

What is the worst that could happen if you say no.....you are afraid they will say you are cheeky?

Well they are cheeky for taking advantage of you so you're quits.

This kind of angst is so unneccessary. Just learn to say no and define your own boundaries. Its not that hard. And people will have a lot more respect for you if you respect yourself.

jen_23

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well just say 'I would love to help you but unfortunately I cannot'. You dont owe them an explanation if they ask why.

Ouch!! Karma hit for my crankiness... sliced my thumb on some of the coffee jar glass Though funnily think I'm less cranky for it??

Your'e absolutely right though. I need to just tell them no that I can't.

littlefriend wrote: »

You are tired and stress out which is understandable.
I don't get why you have to clean your family home when you don't live there or do you live there??

quote - ''Running a house-hold (which by the way is my family home not actually my home i live in with a partner and someone left the house who did the house-work as they did not work themselves)

then
quote ''I live at home with another family member who doesn't do much.

I think you should say you aren't available for babysitting tonight. If you really can't get out of it, tell your brother that you want to discuss this with him when he gets back from his break. Would your brother babysit your partners mother for you - I doubt it.

Getting up at 3am is ludicrous. Stop doing that. Why are you getting up at 3 to let a dog out at 5?

Your posts are a little confusing. Bottom line is you are either going to continue as things are or STOP. Baking cakes for your god child's christening is a pretty normal thing to do but killing yourself so that everyone else's lives are easier is not. I think you should think about what you want to say to your family over the weekend and when you have calmed down tell each of them that they need to stop expecting you to do everything for them.

Hi littlestar.

Sorry think I had a breakdown while writing the post.
I live at home just me and another family member. I think I was trying to say that as it's the family home and not my own house that I should have some help.
And I never mind doing my bit of cleaning or anything but to do everything inc all the dinners during the week I'm tired from it all and feeling really under-appreciated!


Haha I'm laughing at you saying would my brother go stay with my bfs mother. That's put it all into perspective!
I imagine I would get a swift and explicit NO!

I get up at 3 to let the dog out for puddles as he's only a puppy and then I'm up at 5 to get ready for work ao I can be home for around 2 to feed the puppy and make sure he's not isolated all day.

Sorry I imagine half my posts made no sense.
I think I just really needed to rant - I feel so much better and calmer for ranting though!

jen_23

Well turned around to my dad and said I didn't want to babysit the mother and my response was

'well it's up to you but you never know the day when you'l need a turn yourself'

Not feeling guilty at all

LegacyUser

jen_23 wrote: »

Well turned around to my dad and said I didn't want to babysit the mother and my response was

'well it's up to you but you never know the day when you'l need a turn yourself'

Not feeling guilty at all

I get that a lot too, next time you are asked to do anything just say "i have to think about it, i have a few things on, i need to check if i am free". Have a few back up things to list off in case they try and corner you. That is what i do and then i get a chance to think about what i am giving up and other stuff i need to do (like relax after a stressful week!) and then you can ring them back and say "look im really sorry but i have a load on and i don't have time. i have the masters and i cant fit everything in"

Regarding the guilt trip you need to become empowered by saying no and realise that they are guilt tripping you because THEY dont want to do it! You will feel guilty at the start but when you realise they can get on well without you it gets easier. That is how i handled stuff anyway and it worked after a bit of practice. Guilt trip and dirty cheap tricks. Parents love their kids but they often put the needs of one over the other, so even though you need to rest and study and look after your jobs, if someone comes with a sob story its "selfish jen, poor mikey needs a hand and sure cant she study anywhere" This behaviour REALLY annoys me!

Also i would have a word with your brother and say "i said no and i know you only got mrs to call me and i think that was a low trick to pull and i refuse to be manipulated like that. next time i say no i mean it and what i do in my time is no ones business. I am happy to help when i have the time but if i say no that means i actually cant so please dont embarrass me by getting others to ask and by making me have to explain why i cant do something".

Best of luck and you can say no, you just have to practice.

i would also land your brother in it and say sorry forgot i have an assignment or "oops never got sugar so wont be able to cos i am making that cake". Back out NOW and soon they will realise that you can't be walked all over.

the_syco

jen_23 wrote: »

'well it's up to you but you never know the day when you'l need a turn yourself'

There's a breed of **** out there who'll use this line to guilt you into doing stuff. The same breed of **** would deny you "a turn" when you needed it, citing some bo||ox excuse, even if you had done everything for them, thinking what you did for them is "as expected", instead of "doing them a favour".

Ask them to do a favour for you, and you'll see their true colours. This will really show you if you're wasting your time or not.

the_syco

jen_23 wrote: »

This is the last thing that I am doing for them and he will know it after this weekend. (as they have left and all for their weekend now) .

I'll vamp this thread at a later date, as tomorrow never comes.

LegacyUser

Sheesh, they didn't ask you to the wedding and they want you to babysit and make a cake! Are they for real? I'd say you are honest with people and they don't appreciate it. I know it is difficult when you live at home but you have to take a stand, they have no RESPECT for you. I hope you will be able to move out and you will have to get a life of your own. Even Mother teresa acknowledges 'If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives, even she knew. It would be better to be on your own than think you can depend on family to help you. I bet you they will be busy or whatever...... How do I know, because I've been there as many others have obviously. You might as well know now instead of wasting years of your life with these people. You got to get out of there.

WindSock

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well just say 'I would love to help you but unfortunately I cannot'. You dont owe them an explanation if they ask why.

You certainly don't. If they do ask just say no, I'm doing stuff. If they ask what, just reply 'stuff'
Thats what I do anyway. A little juvenile, I know but it gets people off my back.

OP it sounds like you have taken too much on board at the moment. Stick to doing your important things like your Masters, your job and some sleep.

If you can't handle a puppy, please get rid of it now while you still can. Give it to a family who can handle it.

Do only your own washing and cleaning, you are not a homemaker just because you have a fanny.

As for going to the old ladys house, wouldn't that give you some quiet time to study and make a cake?

WindSock

jen_23 wrote: »

Well turned around to my dad and said I didn't want to babysit the mother and my response was

'well it's up to you but you never know the day when you'l need a turn yourself'

Not feeling guilty at all

Ask her can she help you with your Masters.

Kimia

I cannot make head nor tail or this thread - there seems to be loads of the OP's replies quoted yet none in the thread?? Very confusing.

How irritating. This reeks of martyrdom. Just tell them no! Make up some excuse if you don't want to be too firm about it but at the end of the day will you please stop letting everyone treat you like Sh8t and then getting mad because they are treating you like Sh8t.

Stand up for yourself!

carlybabe1

jen_23 wrote: »

I'm so annoyed over my family taking me for granted all the time!

At the moment I pretty much look after everything in the house that needs to be done.
Also got a dog recently so I get up at 3am to let him out 5am to get ready for work get home and start on house-work/washing/dinner...

Now my brother has really p'd me off!
They are going away for the weekend and leaving the baby with his wifes mom. which is fine no problem.

he asked me to go stay with his wifes mom because she was afriad to stay in the house alone!! (no relation to me whatsoever!)

Told him I didn't want to so got his wife to ring me later and ask againa s he knew I wouln't say no to her. Now I'm exhausted from my early mornings and really look forward to weekends just to have a glass of wine and 'chill out' after my week.

I can't do that. I have to also bake a christening cake for my other brother as my nephews christening is tomo so I'll be a while doing that today. Then I must go down to babysit the grandmother and instead of having a lie in I must get up early to come home and get ready for the christening.

I'm sick of my family thinking I have nothing better to do than do everything they ask of me.

Is it too much to ask that some part of my weekend revolve around what I want to do????

Got so annoyed while ago I actually broke the coffee jar in the kitchen (oops) Think I just need to vent!

Sorry OP but wat do you expect when you keep agreeing to do these things. People will only take the piss if you let them. Ring your brother and tell him, "sorry, cant go there this evening, have plans" and hang up the phone and turn it off. If he says anything then tell him to get his girlfriends brother/sister to do it

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I think it is very unfair how people have treated you on here, Just remember this site only has a few opinions of a handful of people and a lot of times people are just venting and reacting to posts as well,


None of them would know what it is like to grow up in a family where your role was defined from a very early age to be the skivy of the house, the manipulation and guilt used to get your families needs met, and because you still live at home this role is still your reality, you are now venting because you have finally had enough and want to change out of this role but when your part of a family system and everyone is defined in roles you can get an angry back last from the family for changing because they will want you to stay the same submissive person,


I just want to say that you now deserve better and your family have no respect for you and they have taught you to have not respect for yourself by treating you this way, but now you will have to practice saying know, there is a book called toxic parents by susan forward, im not saying your parents are toxic but there is a section on master manipulators and it has many answers you can say back to these people to prepare you, if you practice non defensive responses you will then be armed with the right skills to handle your family,


I hope you become a free bird and learn to fly out of this situation G'luck xxx