Build up of things - stick it out?

LegacyUser

I dont know what to do. My partner and I are engaged. Since we got engaged it seems one thing after another has happened. He has a child, who is now in our care full-time. Basically I mind the child, as I am unemployed at present and partner works very long hours. Sometimes it doesnt bother me and other times it does, as I feel as though I have been thrown in the deep end and expected to know how to be a mother. My partner appreciates it and worries about putting it on me. But, I have grown very fond of the child so most of the time its ok. It has been a big change.

I am not from this area and my partners family live close by but now they have completely turned their back on us and it is really getting to us. I feel so lonely and have no-one to help me when I do need a hand. They have never helped when this situation arose, just kept telling us we need to do this, that and the other. But actually never do anything themselves. They said once when we asked could they help out that as I am not working I should be minding the child. I dont feel that that is their right to decide what I should or shouldnt do.

Also, because the child has had so many changes in his young life already he does have some slight behavioural problems which we are getting help with from professionals, however, to iron them out, we need to be consistent with him and it is not a case of just collecting the child from school and dropping him off as we need to work hard too to help his difficulties. They have made so many hurtful comments to me and my partner and one day said that they werent prepared to mind the child anymore (not that they actually ever did).

few days after their outburst of not being fit etc to mind the child they called to the house and tried changing our plans to suit themselves and other grandchild (they mind their other grandchild while parents are at work and the child needed a playmate for the evening), it came too much for me when they called and I made comments back to them. Actually I shouldnt say I made comments, but I repeated their own words back to them. Now they have not called in weeks, have made comments to other people that I never call.

I was always busy before this happened, as my partner needs me to do a lot of things for him while he is away. I don't think that it is my place to bring the child to see them. They are telling people they are so upset. Nobody knows the real situation only my parnter and I. I am just sick of it but it is really getting to us. I suppose they were getting to me before the child came to my partners care as they would call daily and point out things around the house that needed to be done! such as pulling a couple of weeds - we knew they had to be done but as a couple we had assigned the following weekend to do the garden together.

I am not lazy and I keep a good house and everything else that goes with it. I am very particular too and I know the amount of work I put into things so it really did get to me. When I finished my last job, they were constantly ringing asking me to do something for them, which I would gladly do, then when I would call to their house, they would list off their appointments expecting me to chauffer them around (they do drive and not that long ago demanded a new car and we had to do the shopping around for this). I did this for a while and realised then why am I doing it because I was ending up with a headache listening to them complaining about my partner and that he doesnt do enough for them. I barely see him with the hours he works. And even now when he gets home they expect him to call to see them first (as it stands he only gets about an hour or two with his child in the evening).

It is so frustrating. neither of us want to fall out with anyone but it is actually proving easier not having them in my life. I tell myself I don't care but really I do. It along with all the other changes are building up in our relationship.

To be brutally honest, I do believe the both of us have fallen into some sort of a depression. I feel like everyday all I do is live to support my partner in whatever way I can, yet I am the last person he has time for. He is really busy, works really hard. But, where do I fit in? He feels under pressure from every angle, everyone and everything demands his time which he doesnt have much of.

I dont know what to do I really don't. Should we split up? which I don't want to as I cant imagine life without him. But I don't know what we can do to go forward. Should we try counselling? I have always imagined that counselling for couples is for couples together for maybe 20 years or so and we are a relatively new couple (but I don't think we ever had the 'honeymoon' period as so many changes happened shortly into our relationship).

Am I mad to want to stick this out? I feel like I have put all my energy and time into this relationship to support my partner an therefore dont want to give up. But it seems like its destined to go wrong. By the way, the above about his parents is only one of the things that have happened. There has been a lot of other issues to deal with along the way, such as his ex (the mother of the child) - she tormented us for months and would pull any stroke, say at weekends, christmas, to make sure we didnt get a chance for ourselves.

Oh The Humanity

With respect, you are doing way above and beyond the call of duty.

The parents are a pair of a$$es, they're his parents not yours. The kid is HIS not yours.

I mean, I just don't think this level of sacrifice is reasonable in a relationship. Its HIS kid not yours. Yeh you can be a friendly stepmother a few times a week if it suits you but you have gotten dragged in way too deep there.

If it was me I would tell him he needs to make other arrangements for the kid and I would reclaim your own life.

You seem overly fixated on the stupid rumours the parents have spread. Blank that. Do your own thing.

Get some boundaries and stop doing everything thats demanded of you.

Just because you are unemployed doesnt mean your time belongs to whoever demands it. You could go back to college/re-train. Look for other work, how can you do anything for yourself when you are making yourself available on demand.

Screw that, you didn't forget your pill, why are YOU taking care of someone elses kid.....Seriously....tell them you didn't breed it you're not gonna feed it.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

If you love your fiancee, stick things out for your relationship with him. But he needs to sit down with you and find a solution to this rather messy and complicated situation. And you need to be very upfront and honest with him.

As you're not the child's mother, no-one expects you to be his mother or to assume that role or responsibility. However, as you're minding him (and depending on his age) this can be very difficult especially if the child is going through a difficult time, as being thrown in with looking after a child is not at all easy. Being honest, you're being very good to help out given that I assume that you're not the legal guardian of the child. It sounds as though expectations have been made for you to look after him without anyone asking what you want.

With his ex on the scene, it looks as though you're caught in the middle of something between your partner, his parents and his ex. and sounds a little like an issue of guardianship and custody has been an issue in the past, and possibly the issue with the parents - they still want to see the child and be with him, but they don't want to bring himself up themselves. TBH I suspect there's something more to this part of it and agreements with custody than has been mentioned.

The parents are probably somewhat concerned about their grandchild but I think expect a lot of sacrifice from you, and I don't think there's really any balance and fairness. But perhaps they don't see themselves as being anywhere at fault and think themselves more involved than they are. Maybe the ex did a lot of running around for them?

Have a look for support groups to help you through. Talk to your fiancee. Easier said than done, but I think he's better knowing how you really feel about this - that you can't handle it all yourself and need help - rather than thinking you're managing fine without any problems.