Feel inadequate around friends

zxcvbnm1

I am male and Years ago i used hang around with a gang which i didn't feel all that comfortable in.
(The gang kind of evolved from people i was great friends with and for various reasons these people left the area while new people joined the gang and before i knew it i was in a new gang)

That gang then disolved about 7 years ago.

This gang was quite a 'cool' gang.

Nothing wrong with that. They probably were a little too cool for school - but then again there are bigger crimes.
However - i always felt inadequate and never cool enough and generally loist a lot of confidence around these people.
I didn;t really have other people to hang around with at the time and as i said the while gang just kind of evolved over time.

Generally i am pretty confident otherwise.

When the gang disolved in hindsight i was much happier wiuth myself - albeit fewer friends - but far more comfortable with the few friends i did have and far more outgoing.

One of the gang years ago was a great frined of mine (before the cool gang evolved) - but he began to blossom as the gang evolved while i shrinked - and while we both have great time for each other we didn't have the same relationship.
Over the years when he left the area like the others our relationship kind of lost contact.

Thsi person is now back in my home town and suddenly i feel all these inadequacies all over again.
He doesn't know many people other than me and inevitable i will be obliged to hang out with thsi person again.

Just to clarify - this person is a great person - it's just that i feel not as cool nor as confident around them.
But what's more i feel less confident now a a result all the time just knowing that this person is back in my world.
I keep comparing myself to him subconscioulsy.

I am thinking of being really rude and just looking out for number 1 and pretty much just keep this person at an arns length in as subtle a way as possible by not being available for meet ups etc.

HAs anyone else felt like this before?

As i say - this other person is genuinely a nice person - it's just that my general confidence is lower knowibg that they are in my world again.
Can be a bit intense too for various reasons.

It's like an oppressive cloud sorriunds me even when i anot in their cpmpany- something i haven't experienced in years since i was part of the last gang from 7 years ago - a feeling don't want to expeience again.

Unfortumately years ago this guy and me used be great frineds - so we do have history - so it's not that easy to just completely ignore calls.I definitey feel there is a sense of obligation to meet up sometimes.

Anyone ever been in thsi position before?

ladd19

Well what I should say is that you need to face your deamons and try to overccome this lack of confidence issue!!

But...........

What I personally would do is be polite but thats it. This person was part of your old life and should stay there if thats how you feel. You owe this person nothing and im sure he/she is a very nice person as you said but if you dont feel comfortable around him for whatever personal reason then you should look out for number one.

I was in a similar situation a few years back. I was part of the 'cool' gang in school but never felt like I belonged there. Ever since i went to college I am completely different booming with confidence i once lacked. I see my 'old friends' every couple of weeks as we are from the same area. I will say hi how are ya? when/if i see them in the pub or club but thats it. They know nothing about me and i know nothing about them and thats the way i like it.

Hope ya sort this out bud, good luck ;)

zxcvbnm1

ladd19 wrote: »

Well what I should say is that you need to face your deamons and try to overccome this lack of confidence issue!!

But...........

What I personally would do is be polite but thats it. This person was part of your old life and should stay there if thats how you feel. You owe this person nothing and im sure he/she is a very nice person as you said but if you dont feel comfortable around him for whatever personal reason then you should look out for number one.

I was in a similar situation a few years back. I was part of the 'cool' gang in school but never felt like I belonged there. Ever since i went to college I am completely different booming with confidence i once lacked. I see my 'old friends' every couple of weeks as we are from the same area. I will say hi how are ya? when/if i see them in the pub or club but thats it. They know nothing about me and i know nothing about them and thats the way i like it.

Hope ya sort this out bud, good luck ;)

Ya - that's ot exactly.
That's how i liked it too.

However - it looks like this indiviual - who is a very nice person - will probably try to become part iof my world suggesting trips to the pub etc.

I think i know the answer myself i guess.

Basically be ruthless and look out for numebr 1.

Pity though because this person doesn't know many people here and is a real nice guy - but for whatever reasom makes me feel inadequate due to not being as cool/interesting/fun/good looking.
(that is - i only feel that way when around him. When i am not around him i don't feel that way i.e a lack of confidence around thsi person on my part - i.e that's teh problem !!)

Size=everything

It seems you are simply jealous of him. Leave him alone not for your sake but for his.

zxcvbnm1

Size=everything wrote: »

It seems you are simply jealous of him. Leave him alone not for your sake but for his.

Marvellous insight.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think i know where you are coming from, i was also part of a gang years ago and i never felt it was a positive experience, there is always a lot of obligation and manipulation going on, especially with the ring leaders etc, I felt inadequate in the gang because it was all about slagging each other, but i was put down constantly because my mother had an english accent and was well spoken and so was i subsequently but every time i tried to express myself the main slaggers in the gang would take the piss out of my accent, It meant i could rarely speak, Anyway I am suspecting that this guy may be nice but back in these days they were not as positive as you may think because you then went on and felt much happier with the new people that came along,

Also you have been living your life here and he has come back and just expected to go back to being close friends, like he needs attention and you are the one having to give it too him, things like this can be very draining especially when you have been living your own life,



The only reason you would get anxious or unnerved around this guy is because you have reason to be, I still feel like that when i meet some of the old gang because they have not grown up and they still want to slag,


I would say trust your instincts here, you are not jealous of this person in the slightest, the other poster has not idea what he is saying, but trust how you feel and if thee is no compatibility with this person anymore just let it fizzle out.

zxcvbnm1

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,

I think i know where you are coming from, i was also part of a gang years ago and i never felt it was a positive experience, there is always a lot of obligation and manipulation going on, especially with the ring leaders etc, I felt inadequate in the gang because it was all about slagging each other, but i was put down constantly because my mother had an english accent and was well spoken and so was i subsequently but every time i tried to express myself the main slaggers in the gang would take the piss out of my accent, It meant i could rarely speak, Anyway I am suspecting that this guy may be nice but back in these days they were not as positive as you may think because you then went on and felt much happier with the new people that came along,

Also you have been living your life here and he has come back and just expected to go back to being close friends, like he needs attention and you are the one having to give it too him, things like this can be very draining especially when you have been living your own life,



The only reason you would get anxious or unnerved around this guy is because you have reason to be, I still feel like that when i meet some of the old gang because they have not grown up and they still want to slag,


I would say trust your instincts here, you are not jealous of this person in the slightest, the other poster has not idea what he is saying, but trust how you feel and if thee is no compatibility with this person anymore just let it fizzle out.

Ya - ideally he wouldn't contact me at all and we would lead seperate lives entirely.

He is a very strong personality and very headstrong and i find him very oppressive due to his supreme confidence.
Saying that - he is a definitely a good guy though.

The issue lies in my reaction to him really i guess. I am just intimidated and opressed by his confidence i guess. WHat can i say - with some people you are just more comfortable around than others. And i am definitely not comfortable or confident in his company. He would't realise any of this of course.

It's like my world has now changed whereby he is now part of my world - and as a result i feel far more inadequate in my world even when i am not in hos company.
(His arrival has also coincided with the departure of a great friend of mine)

It remnds me of how i felt those years ago when i was in that gang. COnstantly feeling inadequate and feeling unable to express my own personality properly and let my personality shine. As id mt personality was being slightly smothered.
I was delighted when that gang disolved and everyone left my area. It enabled me to be far more confident in myself and hang out with people i was comfortable with.

EVen i i am in a group of people that i am comfortable with and he is there i get very intimidated by him.

I really don't want to face into a perod when i begin to feel all those inadequacies again.

In fact - i'm very surprised i am reacting like i am to this extent due to his arrival.

As i say - if i only felt like that when i was in his company then that woudl be fine.
But i am feeling this all the time now because he is back in my world - and in my world now i feel far less confiedent as a result.

LegacyUser

Hi Again,

OP, i think its ok to not want to be friends with him and move on if you really feel your ideal situation is that you dont want him in your life.

You said he is a nice guy but also quite a domineering guy, Really your gut is saying to you to stay away from him but your head is saying ah he's a nice guy it must be me who has a problem, If he is able to intimidate you then he is using you right now because he is home and he wants to get back friends with people and suit himself, OP i would suit myself, you should trust your instincts and try move away from him, if it means not hanging out with some people then maybe hang out with people who he would not,

I can understand how uncomfortable situations can be and how you can get anxiety when he is around, its because he has control over you and you cant be yourself, he doesnt not seem like much of a friend, blokes can feel that they owe their mates everything including the shirt off your back but no.


The older i got the less tolerance i had for people like that and i only surrounded myself with true friends.

LegacyUser

No offence intended but from the opening post it seems to me that the problem lies entirely with you.

You say that these lads were cooler than you .... but they had no problem hanging around with you.
You say that this old friend is a really nice fella.

It sounds to me that you are only comfortable hanging around with people that you feel "superior" to.

LegacyUser

Continuing on from the previous post here .... I read the other posts and feel that I was too harsh...

Do what's best for you OP.

zxcvbnm1

It's not that i only want to hang around with peoplei feel superior to.

I think i feel uncomfortble around this guy - i thik that's fine.
People feel uncomfortable around different people for various reasons.

My main problem lies in the fact that if i felt a bit inadequate only when i was spending thime with this guy then that would be fine. But because he is back in my world i also feel inadequate when i am not in his company.
That is basically my problem.

He's one of these guys who would be in the verge of tears (as in - literally !)while giving his opinion on various things given the passion and confidence he has in his opinions on different subjects.

As a result it is difficult not to feel overpowere by his personality.

That's just an example.

Being passionate is in no way a flaw in his personality - it can however be a bit intense to take though and as a result you walk away from him feeling like thd most boring fella in the world.
That's what i mean by saying he is a good guy - he can unintentionally wreck my head though and make me lack in confidence.
The main issue is that for whatever reason i just feel inadquate when compaed to him.

Anyway - the reason i posted was because i was wondering if people could relate to this. DId this feeling of inadequacy go or what ?

My plan will be not to contact him and hope he does the same and while we will both be living in the same area geographically hopefully we will inhabit different worlds which will result in my getting my confidence back again.

I have felt very down since i discovered his arrival back in my home town lst week. I couldn't face into then next number of years knowing m confidence would be gone again like it was a years ago.

Thanks for teh replies.

LegacyUser

If hes a nice guy and was a good mate of yours then its clear your simply jealous. You say he makes you look uninteresting when compared to him and thus you dont want to hang out ?? If a girl came on here and said she wanted to avoid her friend because she is more attractive than her and makes her seem not as attractive everyone would rightly tell her she was being jealous. I think its more a case if you not wanting your old friend to get all the attention when he comes back which considering he was a supposed good mate of yours is very selfish.

irish_bob

what kind of a gang was this , certainly doesnt sound like one of the gangs of donal mcintyre investiages , never heard too much personal reflection from gang members in this shows or are gangs in ireland a more sensitive new man bunch

LegacyUser

zxcvbnm1, you ask whether other people can relate to these feelings and the answer is 'yes'. Many people can have emotional reactions to people, places, experiences that leave them feeling less than comfortable - it's part of normal life. Personally speaking, I have felt similar reactions to certain people - a sense of inadequacy and being 'not cool'. However I see that not as a flaw or something that is wrong with me but a clue that 'here is an area of my life I need to work with'. I've worked on the feelings of inadequacy by using a technique called EFT (www.emofree.com). I know it looks and sounds completely hippy dippy but it has worked for me. That or even a chat with a counsellor to see if there is any root cause for these uncomfortable (but extremely normal - people just don't talk about it) feelings.

dblennon

there is a phycological term for reversion among childhood friends.

It can be positive negative or just altering, I know that I avoid these people apart from polite chats and singular pints etc.

I only realised after I met new friends in uni that I was unaccepted and terribly unhappy with these people, nothing wrong with them, just part of me having a weak personality as a teen.

claiva

Op, it sounds like you want to be "the only gay in the village".....am I right ???
This chap is obviously not good for you to be around as he will overshadow you and I think that is what you are afraid of.
It sounds to me that if you allow him into your circle of friends, they will all LOVE him and tease you about having had such a COOL guy stashed away from them all this time.
No body wants to be the ugly friend.
Stop taking his calls.

LegacyUser

We all like to hang around people who make us feel better about ourselves whoever says otherwise is lying. I am 30 female and have good friends and have partied in my day and am enjoying the quiet life now. One girl from university, she is the most unique person ive met, incredibly smart, passionate, composed. Anyway I was totally intimidated by her. Nobody else, just her. Can't explain it either. I couldn't handle the dynamics of the situation when she was around, I didn't know how to fit in around her and if I compared myself to her I felt numb. Turns out she is a very lonely person. A common friend told me because they wanted me to make an effort with her. But I couldn't bring myself to! Funny isn't it. If only she knew how she made me feel. I don't feel bad about it. I've moved on. I'm a different person now. I'm much happier without people in my life who remind of the 'what could have been' path in life yada yada

Life is all about letting go. Do your own thing.

LegacyUser

claiva wrote: »

Op, it sounds like you want to be "the only gay in the village".....am I right ???
This chap is obviously not good for you to be around as he will overshadow you and I think that is what you are afraid of.
It sounds to me that if you allow him into your circle of friends, they will all LOVE him and tease you about having had such a COOL guy stashed away from them all this time.
No body wants to be the ugly friend.
Stop taking his calls.

This is the typically unhelpful and hurtful comment I've come to expect from a proportion of Personal Issues forum viewers. Are you a psychologist? Do you have any relevant qualifications? No? Well then hold off on the blame and finger pointing.
The truth is that emotional conflict is not as simple as playground ' who's cool and most popular' processes. The op deserves a listening ear as regard his feelings of inferiority, NOT to be told that he is inferior by some faceless Internet user. And I am qualified, btw.

claiva

Unregistered wrote: »

This is the typically unhelpful and hurtful comment I've come to expect from a proportion of Personal Issues forum viewers. Are you a psychologist? Do you have any relevant qualifications? No? Well then hold off on the blame and finger pointing.
The truth is that emotional conflict is not as simple as playground ' who's cool and most popular' processes. The op deserves a listening ear as regard his feelings of inferiority, NOT to be told that he is inferior by some faceless Internet user. And I am qualified, btw.

Huh ????
You've totally taken me up wrong there mate.
Essentially, my point is that ALL of us will feel inadequate around some people in our lives. The best thing to do is to not be around the people that make us feel that way. There is nothing wrong with feeling inadequate and there is nothing wrong with self preservation. Also, at least I have the courage to post as myself and not hide behind the monicker of "Unregistered".
Good for you if you are qualified........