Living with someone who is depressed

LegacyUser

So.....:)
I share a flat with a family member who suffers from depression. She works very long shifts and is really down when she gets home from work (and at the weekends). I saw my role as being there for her and providing a giggle to cheer her up. Lately, she has gotten more depressed and the councellor she was seeing doesn't work on Saturdays during the summer (!) and she doesn't want to start all over again with another councellor as she finds it destressing. So she is not going to go back to councelling until the winter.

Meanwhile, I am baring the brunt of this, walking on egg shells, cant invite people over etc and finding it hard to hold my tongue. I know she is off form but I'm finding it harder to be patient. She wants to move into a place on her own now so she doesn't have to put on a 'smiley face' for anyone. However, I think this would be a bad idea.

Anyway. I'm asking those who suffer from depression, do I let her out on her own, do I hold my tongue and just endure it. Are there rules on this? I dont think anything I can do actually will make her happy.

If I come across as a selfish cow.......er....em....maybe I am! Jeez!

Blazer

Unregistered wrote: »

So.....:)
I share a flat with a family member who suffers from depression. She works very long shifts and is really down when she gets home from work (and at the weekends). I saw my role as being there for her and providing a giggle to cheer her up. Lately, she has gotten more depressed and the councellor she was seeing doesn't work on Saturdays during the summer (!) and she doesn't want to start all over again with another councellor as she finds it destressing. So she is not going to go back to councelling until the winter.

Meanwhile, I am baring the brunt of this, walking on egg shells, cant invite people over etc and finding it hard to hold my tongue. I know she is off form but I'm finding it harder to be patient. She wants to move into a place on her own now so she doesn't have to put on a 'smiley face' for anyone. However, I think this would be a bad idea.

Anyway. I'm asking those who suffer from depression, do I let her out on her own, do I hold my tongue and just endure it. Are there rules on this? I dont think anything I can do actually will make her happy.

If I come across as a selfish cow.......er....em....maybe I am! Jeez!

First off..you're not a selfish cow...there's only so much a person can deal with before saying "for fcuk's sake ..cop onto yourself". And this is bad for you yourself as you can get antagonistic towards them etc..
I've the same with a housemate..he's completely depressed as his girlfriend just dumped him.
Meantime I'm listening to him everyday and it's starting to wreck my head..it's now 3 weeks and if he doesn't kill himself I'm going to do it for him..just kidding..;)

She needs to stop working long shifts..lots of people get depressed working long hours..basically all they're doing it going to work, going home, go to bed, get up and go back to work.
Any chance she can cut back on them? Surely a doctor cert could exempt her from this?
Get her involved in a hobby..most depressed people I know have no hobby...make no effort to go out and meet new people etc.
All they do is sit at home and mope around either on the computer or just watching tv.
Frankly I think this so-called depression is another name for selfishness.
Depressed people are incredibly selfish..it's all about them not you.
Their problems not your problems..and they're too lazy to do anything about it but go to a counsellor and try and get a magic pill when all they need to do is make a change to their lifestyle..get out , meet new people etc.
At least..taht's what I think..no doubt someone else will think I'm being harsh.
Just look at the other threads here in PI to see this.

Monkey61

Sc@recrow wrote: »

First off..you're not a selfish cow...there's only so much a person can deal with before saying "for fcuk's sake ..cop onto yourself". And this is bad for you yourself as you can get antagonistic towards them etc..
I've the same with a housemate..he's completely depressed as his girlfriend just dumped him.

She needs to stop working long shifts..lots of people get depressed working long hours..basically all they're doing it going to work, going home, go to bed, get up and go back to work.

Get her involved in a hobby..most depressed people I know have no hobby...make no effort to go out and meet new people etc.
All they do is sit at home and mope around either on the computer or just watching tv.
Frankly I think this so-called depression is another name for selfishness.
Depressed people are incredibly selfish..it's all about them not you.
Their problems not your problems..and they're too lazy to do anything about it but go to a counsellor and try and get a magic pill when all they need to do is make a change to their lifestyle..get out , meet new people etc.
At least..taht's what I think..no doubt someone else will think I'm being harsh.
Just look at the other threads here in PI to see this.

It isn't that you are being harsh, you just don't understand the difference between the illness that is clinical depression - and feeling a bit depressed. Criticising people that are suffering from clinical depression for having no hobbies is like criticising quadriplegics for not playing enough football. Are they too lazy to do that yeah?

Actual serious depression cannot be cured from lifestyle changes. Yes the first thing one should do is make as many changes as possible, but often those do not work. As a long term depression sufferer I can tell you that one of my absolute worst periods was when I was working in a safe, well paid job with some of my best friends, working out in the gym regularly, going to gigs and other social events, eating the healthiest diet imaginable, not drinking or taking any illegal drugs and completely in love and often holidaying with a long term girlfriend - and how did I feel? I spent most evenings crying myself to sleep because all I wanted to do was die because the pain hurt so much.

Yes, depressed people are selfish - it comes with the territory. Most seriously ill people are, especially when faced 24 hours a day with something that you can see no end to.

Anyway, I am unsure Op as to the living situation with your family member. She holds down a job, yet isn't well enough for you to have people over to the house?

The bottom line being, only see can decide to help herself. It is great that she is in counselling and is a step in the right direction. But absolutely nothing that you can do will make her happy - you need to know that. It would probably be a good idea for her to move out as she shouldn't be having this much of an impact on your life and as (presumably) an adult she is old enough to look after herself. It might also give her the kick up the ass that she needs to seek further treatment. Sometimes those suffering from depression need to reach rock bottom to pick themselves up again. I know from my own experiences that it is very easy to let yourself fall to pieces when there is always somebody there propping you up.

You don't say how long she has suffered from depression and what medical help she is getting? If she is that bad on a day to day basis I would make her go to the GP immediately as whatever she is doing obviously isn't working for her. Maybe she needs a medication that suits her better? Or a different type of therapy? Has she seen a psychiatrist or only her GP? These are things you can help her with, the practicalities of reaching out to the professionals!

LegacyUser

thanks for all that.

She is suffering from it for about 8 years. (shi*, I'm realising that is a long time for this to be carrying on). She doesn't like to talk about it but, as you said, she has depression everywhere no matter what changes. She wont leave her job as she is freelance for a few months at a time so she doesn't know when the next job is coming after it and worries about money.

She is not in councelling now as her councellor doesn't work Saturdays during the summer (what the fook!). So she is not willing to start is all over again with someone new. (Fair nuff).

Unfortunatly the 'go for a walk' to get over it idea, which I've seen posted around this forum already, does not work. I imagine depression is a chemical imbalance(?) which causes the state of mind.

Has anyone with depression ever moved out on their own and survived to tell the tale?
She doesn't go out much (a confidence thing) which wouldn't help much living on your own. I think anyway.

sam34

Sc@recrow wrote: »

Frankly I think this so-called depression is another name for selfishness.
Depressed people are incredibly selfish..it's all about them not you.
Their problems not your problems..and they're too lazy to do anything about it

well arent you a treat.

no wonder that the suicide rate in this country is as high as it is, when there is this sort of ignorance about and stigma against mental illness around.

depression is an illness, not a lifestyle choice.

it is an illness that has psychiatric symptoms, but also physical ones, and there are biochemical markers of it.

the "pull yourself together" approach to depression is frankly ridiculous - the analogy to quadriplegics posted by someone else is a good comparison.

OP, i would suggest being as supportive as you can towards your housemate, without smothering her. if you're going out, invite her. encourage her to be active and participate in things. and maybe you could gently suggest that she sees a doctor to assess her progress. it may also help if you offer to accompany her to her gp.

LegacyUser

Op, I have suffered from depression. I did not honestly know what was wrong with me for a few months when it happened. Once I realised what I thought was wrong I went to my GP, I looked for a referral to a counsellor straight away - had to wait a few weeks for appointment. I refused to go on anti depressants initially as I do not in general like taking any medications. At this stage I knew what was wrong with me and acknowledged it to myself. I got worse waiting for the appointment with the counsellor so went to my doctor and got anti depressants.
Started counseling and did it for a god few months and got on well. The turning point for me was when the counsellor told me people don't get depressed they do depression! I was raging. Anyway I got over that had it out with her. Now that I have come out the other end my attitude is that sometimes it is very easy for people to fall into a depressive state - death of a loved one, stressful job, break up of marriage, victim/survivor of some form of abuse etc. I feel that sometimes one doesn't know what is wrong or is perhaps afraid to acknowledge it. Once acknowledged though I think then if you don't /won't do anything to help yourself - and there is a lot of help available out there - then you are doing depression and this is a selfish act.
I know when I was suffering I could not function properly, my thought patterns and memory were very bad. I have very little memory of the time (this is before I went on anti D's).
I appreciate there are different types of depression and that everyone might not agree with what I have to say but I'm just giving you an idea from my own experience.
I have also known a number of people who have suffered depression.
Is your sister on any medication? Do you know if the depression stems from a specific event(s)? Do you think/feel she wants to get better? I think by pussy footing around her you are only feeding her illness. Live your life the way you want to live it. Have friends around when you want and let her move out and get her own place if she wants to. Don't allow what is happening in her life control yours. It does not mean you have to withdraw all support.
Good luck.

Blazer

Sorry guys..I'm not talking about the actual serious depression.
I don't understand much about it..as you can rightly guess.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think you have taken too much responsibility on, if she is an adult and is working and surviving as best she can then she should probably be left to live her own life, i think you are a bit patronizing toward her, she is still living her life even if it is not "normal' to others.


You dont seem to have a lot of experience with depression and how to treat people who have it, so i dont know why you would want to live with someone who suffers from depression if you are not aware of how it works, this will be a struggle for you and for her, unfortunately a lot of families feel that when a family member suffers from depression that they are the ones with the problem, but to support a family member who has it, you need to understand the fundamentals of it, if she had broken leg the physical implications are on view and its easy to know what to do but with depression you cant see, which makes it harder to understand.


I always feel that you have to ask yourself what is going on for you when you are around this person who sufferes from depression? how does it make you feel? you may have insecurities about it and are taking on too much responsibility.

There are plenty of people who suffer from depression and live a lone and from what i see they are happier that way, they like their space and their ways, I would suggest moving out and enjoying your life and visiting her from time to time and let her figure out her own life, she is a grown adult suffering from depression but she is not an invalide.

Monkey61

Unregistered wrote: »

Has anyone with depression ever moved out on their own and survived to tell the tale?
She doesn't go out much (a confidence thing) which wouldn't help much living on your own. I think anyway.

Just an addition to that - it really depends on the person. For me, when I am at my worst, being on my own is the best thing for me as being forced to be around people in a house makes me ridiculously anxious, panicky and awful. I am much calmer and happier when I'm in my own space. But then I know people who are the exact opposite and need to be around people constantly as being on their own makes them panic - it really comes down to the individual.

LegacyUser

Cheers Guys,

I have with depression and bi-polar disease from other friends/associates and the bottom line is that is a horrific thing for anyone to go through, hense my apprehension about leaving her alone or accepting that she wants to move out.
I do come across as patronising to her and now that I know that, it will stop. I do think that her decision to try and live on her own is a decision taken during a time when she is depressed, therefore, not thinking clearly so it may not be the best decision to make. Is that patronising? Possibly, but a fact.

I think Sam is right, stay supportive. I'm still unsure about letting her go and live on her own when she is like this. If she is down, I'd rather know she is down but is in her room or watching t.v. rather than she in some crappy bedsit the other side of town.

I will try and approach bringing her to a gp or another councellor and see how it goes.
thanks y'all

z0oT

Hi OP

I'll say what I've always said to others who are in this situation. If something is not right in your life and it's really getting you down, then you must get off your ass and do your utmost to fix it. Nobody else is going to do it for you.
Sounds to me as if she sees you as a crutch, or as the one person she counts on to take all her problems away, but at the end of the day you have to get on with your own life and can't play the crutch for her.
Were it me I would be sitting her down and having a serious talk about this, your world cannot revolve around her issues (as bad as that sounds).

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Would you not sit down with her and ask her what she wants, does she want to live on her own, You havent mentioned how old you both are and if she is old enough to look after herself and to move out on her own,

I think it is patronizing to make decisions on somebody else's behalf, Maybe you need to involve some kind of mental health therapist, like a liason person, my brother goes to a day care centre in Raheny, they monitor all of his progress and he has constant support, it may be something too much for you to know how to handle, it is nice that you care but how do you know if you are adding to any of the stress of it because bi polar is not something anyone else can control you are always going to be controlled by it, thats why i think for the future she needs to be set up in her own home with a regular link to a resource centre that would then give you piece of mind.

Do you not have a lot going on in your own life that this person is taking up a lot of your time? There are ways to balance both but look after yourself too. xx

The Sweeper

sam34 wrote: »

no wonder that the suicide rate in this country is as high as it is, when there is this sort of ignorance about and stigma against mental illness around.

depression is an illness, not a lifestyle choice.


it is an illness that has psychiatric symptoms, but also physical ones, and there are biochemical markers of it.

In that case:

sam34 wrote: »

OP, i would suggest being as supportive as you can towards your housemate, without smothering her. if you're going out, invite her. encourage her to be active and participate in things.

...this makes not the slightest bit of difference.

OP, from personal experience, I would recommend you conduct an intervention aimed at getting your family member the professional help she requires.

There is virtually nothing you can do that will make this better. If your family member is clinically depressed, no amount of being nice to her will 'cure' her. She needs to be assessed by a professional, and if appropriate she needs to be medicated and seen by a counsellor/therapist/psychiatrist/cognitive behavioural therapist/whoever else may be qualified and able to help depending on the diagnosis of your family member.

Nothing short of professional help will make the required difference. Being nice and including your family member is certainly better than being horrible and exluding them, but it isn't a fix-it. Also, the more involved you get, the more exhausted you will end up being, especially if your family member is not receiving concurrent professional help.

You wouldn't try and cure cancer with a cup of tea. You wouldn't try to mend a broken limb with a hug.

Clinical depression is an illness - it's not just someone who's a bit sad, and needs cheering up.

sam34

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

In that case:



...this makes not the slightest bit of difference.

OP, from personal experience, I would recommend you conduct an intervention aimed at getting your family member the professional help she requires.

There is virtually nothing you can do that will make this better. If your family member is clinically depressed, no amount of being nice to her will 'cure' her. She needs to be assessed by a professional, and if appropriate she needs to be medicated and seen by a counsellor/therapist/psychiatrist/cognitive behavioural therapist/whoever else may be qualified and able to help depending on the diagnosis of your family member.

Nothing short of professional help will make the required difference. Being nice and including your family member is certainly better than being horrible and exluding them, but it isn't a fix-it. Also, the more involved you get, the more exhausted you will end up being, especially if your family member is not receiving concurrent professional help.

You wouldn't try and cure cancer with a cup of tea. You wouldn't try to mend a broken limb with a hug.

Clinical depression is an illness - it's not just someone who's a bit sad, and needs cheering up.

i disagree totally.

psychiatric services aim at providing treatment in a "bio-psycho-social" manner, which reflects the aetiology and effects of mental illnesses.

biological treatments would be the anti-depressants, mood stabilisers or other meds

psychological treatments would be CBT, counselling etc

social interventions would be activation and occupation (not necessarily occupation in terms of a job, but in terms of doing something, getting out, having some structure and purpose to the day)

it's why people with depression are often referred to occupational therapists.

a combination of bio-psycho-social interventions offers a better chance of recovery than any one of them in isolation.

The Hill Billy

OP - I really feel for you. I lived with a girlfriend in England who suffered from depression for a couple of years. I tried to get her to seek help. About as far as that went was she was prescribed anti-depression drugs by her GP & took them for a while, then stopped. She refused to see a mental health professional for counselling.

She made my life hell for 2 years. I cannot describe how bad it was - infidelity, mental & physical abuse, I could go on. But I really thought that I could help her through it & stuck with her even though I was heading on a downward spiral myself. Eventually, I got my act together, packed my bags & left. It was her problem, but she refused to help herself. I was damned if I was going to let her drag me down with her.

Don't keep sacrificing your own happiness for this person. Get in touch with Aware.ie to see if they can offer you any advice on how to deal with this situation.

Best of luck.

The Sweeper

sam34 wrote: »

a combination of bio-psycho-social interventions offers a better chance of recovery than any one of them in isolation.

So actually, you don't disagree with me totally, because the point I was making is that the OP's family member needs professional help and that only including them on social outings without them receiving concurrent professional help will not fix things? And the point you're making is that they need help from all sources too?

Or am I missing something?

sam34

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

So actually, you don't disagree with me totally, because the point I was making is that the OP's family member needs professional help and that only including them on social outings without them receiving concurrent professional help will not fix things? And the point you're making is that they need help from all sources too?

Or am I missing something?

...this makes not the slightest bit of difference.

There is virtually nothing you can do that will make this better.

You wouldn't try and cure cancer with a cup of tea. You wouldn't try to mend a broken limb with a hug.

what i was totally disagreeing with were the above statemente, ie that social interventions make "not the slightest bit" or "virtually" no difference.

on their own, they are of benefit. in combination with biological and psychological interventions, they are of greater benefit. dismissing the effect they can have in isolation, is unhelpful, imo.

there was a UK study, by brown and harris, iirc, that identified not having a supportive relationship as a major risk factor for depression.

clairemcbear

Work hours need to improve,and no shift work as she needs structure...it'll be such a relief for her,she needs to find what she's interested in and find out more about it,like a hobby you know? also,instead of trying to cheer her up,get her to talk,a big cry would help from time to time,as long as she's not like this every evening,that would bring you down,but talking would make her feel a lot better...I hope she feels better for herself,and for you.

superbad50

hi op feeling for you , my girlfriend had to endure pretty much the same from me . maybe a cbt therapist would be beneficial for her - she definetely needs to get away from shift work . theres know easy fix ime afraid - you would be best talking to agencies like AWARE , they will point you in the right direction .

maybe get her out of the house for a walk / jog when you can

hope things improve for both you and your friend