Hot N Cold!

william hicks

I've been going out with a girl for 2 years now.
I love her a lot and we live together in her house.
Things have never really run smoothly,but there is a lot of love between us.
When we first met,I was in the entertainment field,she holds a fairly good office position.
She had a big problem with me being on stage and the attention I recieved and suffered with pangs of jealousy & insecurity.
I pulled back on the amount of gigs I did and eventually stopped for several months,thinking it would help.
In the meantime,she was diagnosed with depression,which I too have suffered with on occasion.
She is now on medication and recieves regular therapy,which has really worked and she has become much more confident and active.
The thing is,I seem to have lost a lot of my own confidence.
I am back on stage now and she is handling it really well.

I do my best to support her,but when I try to talk about my feelings,she becomes angry & accuses me of "going on".
It becomes very frustrating and I find myself becoming anxious and scared.
She still gets jealous now & again and I reassure her the best I can.
However,if I get nervous or feel insecure,she just gets very cold and angry.
I have found myself becoming needy & dependant,which is a million miles away from who I was when we first met!
I was cool & confident and pretty much fearless.
It's affecting me now in all areas of my life.
I find myself letting people walk over me and unable to defend myself.
I have a constant feeling of panic within me.

I am a romantic and try to please her and sometimes her response is great and I feel very close,but it never lasts!
When I say "what's happened?" she becomes annoyed and cold.
All I want is for things to remain constant.
It's like.I remain the same but we can only be close,loving,happy when she decides it.
i know she has her own stresses & the usual day to day pressures,but she doesn't talk about them and it always ends up with me being blamed for her "mood",even though it was there already.
Now,it's basically become a case of "this is how I am,deal with it".
Is that fair? I mean there are two of us in this.

I'm really lost at the moment.
Has anybody been through this or offer an insight or advece please?

Thanx

Victor

Hi Poster,

Its normal and polite to use proper punctuation and paragraphs. Many people won't bother reading badly formatted posts.

---

"I've been going out with a girl for 2 years now. I love her a lot and we live together in her house. Things have never really run smoothly, but there is a lot of love between us. When we first met, I was in the entertainment field, she holds a fairly good office position. She had a big problem with me being on stage and the attention I received and suffered with pangs of jealousy & insecurity. I pulled back on the amount of gigs I did and eventually stopped for several months, thinking it would help. In the meantime, she was diagnosed with depression, which I too have suffered with on occasion. She is now on medication and receives regular therapy, which has really worked and she has become much more confident and active. The thing is, I seem to have lost a lot of my own confidence. I am back on stage now and she is handling it really well.

I do my best to support her, but when I try to talk about my feelings, she becomes angry & accuses me of "going on". It becomes very frustrating and I find myself becoming anxious and scared. She still gets jealous now & again and I reassure her the best I can. However, if I get nervous or feel insecure, she just gets very cold and angry. I have found myself becoming needy & dependant, which is a million miles away from who I was when we first met! I was cool & confident and pretty much fearless. It's affecting me now in all areas of my life. I find myself letting people walk over me and unable to defend myself. I have a constant feeling of panic within me.

I am a romantic and try to please her and sometimes her response is great and I feel very close, but it never lasts! When I say "what's happened?" she becomes annoyed and cold. All I want is for things to remain constant. It's like. I remain the same but we can only be close, loving, happy when she decides it. I know she has her own stresses & the usual day to day pressures, but she doesn't talk about them and it always ends up with me being blamed for her "mood", even though it was there already. Now, it's basically become a case of "this is how I am, deal with it". Is that fair? I mean there are two of us in this.

I'm really lost at the moment. Has anybody been through this or offer an insight or advice please?

Thanx"

Victor

I think part of her attitude may be defensive - she doesn't want an outside factor (you) to trigger her depression.

However, I think she might also be selfish in the (mostly in the past?) jealousy and accusing you of "going on".

Are you getting any medical help, though counselling or a doctor?

Taltos

OP - this does not sound good to me at all.
Sounds almost like a toxic relationship. I think Victor hit it on the head - you need to maybe seek some professional help - since both of you suffer from depression there is no steady hand on the rudder here

But as an outsider looking in with the limited information above I would already be leaning towards advising you that sometimes love is not enough.

So - maybe a few things
1) Seek help yourself - you might want to include her in this to help the relationship as well as it could be the emotional issues from your relationship are bleeding into your own self-confidence. This is quite common so couples and individual therapy might work wonders for you.
or
2) Walk away. Get help. Get your head back on and get yourself sorted. And then and only then think about a relationship.

Oh The Humanity

Now,it's basically become a case of "this is how I am,deal with it".
Is that fair? I mean there are two of us in this.

No it is certainly not fair, in fact it is the furthest thing from fair ever.

You have made so many sacrifices to try to please her and not only does she not appreciate them, she totally takes them for granted and is not even grateful.

What sacrifices has she made for you? Any?

You are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. It is totally unbalanced.

You have compromised your personality for her but she is totally ungrateful. Get back on the stage, get your confidence back. You dont have to accept her controlling and unreasonable behaviour. It seems to be all she is doing is bringing you down.

She has attempted to impose TOTAL double standards on you. She made you change with her guilt manipulation YET she expects you to deal with her the way she is 'warts and all'

That is total hypocrisy. She asked you to change and yet she refuses to deal with her depression and is planning to remain miserable and never try to improve things (manage her moods) for both your sakes. He demand that you just accept it as it is and 'deal with it' is cold, selfish and rude.

Depression of course is not to be underestimated, of course its debilitating and exhausting. BUT the depressed patient MUST make some efforts in conjunction with a professional to manage the moods. Be that with medication, excersise, talk therapy, diet and lifestyle changes.

Its a battle many people struggle with and while for most there is no 'cure' -with effort and willpower great improvements can be made. It is the patients responsibility to make attempts to improve themselves.

In a partnership it is not acceptable to wallow in it and expect your partner to be the brunt of moods etc.

Matt Holck

Victor wrote: »

Hi Poster,

Its normal and polite to use proper punctuation and paragraphs. Many people won't bother reading badly formatted posts.

---

Thanx"

that original is a well formatted post
I read it quickly and with even flow

please don't butcher it
with line breaks unnecessarily and arbitrarily determined by screen width

I'd been much less likely to read it as a paragraph

LegacyUser

Op that reads so similar to my relationship with my ex. Except my boyfriend (ex) was acting like your gf is. He took his moods out on me and was so hot and cold. It seemed there was only love between us when he wanted, he was there for me if he was in a good mood but if he was stressed (which was alot - even doing normal things everyone has to do he was like "Woe is me"!) he would take it out on me and make me feel bad for being low or needy. He would shout at me, dissapear and say he couldnt handle it.

I think my ex and your gf are selfish people. Its that simple. You are not being treated as you deserve. You need support from her. You sound nice and reasonable. People dont change that much so you have to ask yourself do you want to be with someone who treats you like this.

You havent changed its just your confidence is low and its like you are suffering mental abuse from her. I have only just walked away and its devestating, I am so sad that I cant eat or sleep but I know I will be better off in the long run. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be with a guy who is nice to me most of the time! But I am sure he exsists
somewhere.

william hicks

Victor wrote: »

I think part of her attitude may be defensive - she doesn't want an outside factor (you) to trigger her depression.

However, I think she might also be selfish in the (mostly in the past?) jealousy and accusing you of "going on".

Are you getting any medical help, though counselling or a doctor?

I have recieved therapy on occasions,but for different reasons.
I have actually decided to get some help for my own problems.
The worst thing about all of this is that I am well aware of my own downfalls and insecutities and "in theory", know what I have to do.
The thing is,every time I feel like my confidence is building and I start feeling good about myself,she may get jealous or call me arrogant,or put down any ideas I may come up with.
It feels like she only wants me when she needs me.

Oh The Humanity

The thing is,every time I feel like my confidence is building and I start feeling good about myself,she may get jealous or call me arrogant,or put down any ideas I may come up with.
It feels like she only wants me when she needs me.

OP, why are you letting her put you down like this?

She is tearing you down because you are letting her. Stop letting her pull your strings.

You are giving her all the power and importance when in reality she has no power.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you've changed to suit her at every turn which means you are not being yourself.

You gave up performing to make her happy which made you unhappy.

This reminds me a lot of the relationship a friend of mine used have, one I used to have and one my brother still is in.... you're always under the cosh to please them... they call the shots on your happiness. When they decide to make you feel good, you feel loved for a brief period and then it's back to "what have I done wrong?" until the next time she decides to give you some crumbs.

"I am a romantic and try to please her and sometimes her response is great and I feel very close,but it never lasts!"
Love isn't meant to be like that. You mention a "lot of love between" yourselves - what type of love is this?

I would leave it at that if I was you. Recover your sense of self. Regain some confidence. Learn to like yourself a bit more. Only then will you be happy. Then find someone who likes you for being you.

"this is how I am,deal with it" - deal with it by leaving her.

I was with the wrong person for a while and my confidence was shot - funnily enough, were good friends now a decade later but at the time I was hanging on for that hug or "I love you" from her to make me feel good - but my personality was shot, I was unhappy and changed to suit her.... .

Relationships have ups and downs but they're meant to have more ups than downs....

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

I think my ex and your gf are selfish people. Its that simple. You are not being treated as you deserve. You need support from her. You sound nice and reasonable. People dont change that much so you have to ask yourself do you want to be with someone who treats you like this.

I have found in my own experience of people I've known who have suffered from this, that one of the side effects of depression can be extreme self centered thinking, which can come out as selfishness and self obsession. More than whatever passes for the "norm" anyway. Their insight is turned inwards and those around them go through that filter first. This is not all of those suffering from depression and it is just my limited enough experience, but that could be what's going on with her.


That said your own mental and emotional health should be first and foremost and maybe you need a dose of thinking of self first. You do not need to be someone's crutch or emotional whipping by when she's having a delicate time. Sod that.

I know it's easy to say, but if it was me I would be stopping playing into this. I would not go along with her when she pulls a strop. Treat her well when she treats me well. Reward her emotionally for that, but withdraw reward when she doesn't. Sounds like training a dog I grant you.:D, but I've been in something similar relationshipwise before. Where she was pulling similar strops. I learned after much hassle that playing into it only made it worse. Giving in only made it worse. Consoling her only made it worse. So I stopped. I only engaged her emotionally when she was engaging me. Big change. I would say though that it's a bloody hardship to do and TBH after a while got bored with it and left.

william hicks

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

OP, why are you letting her put you down like this?

She is tearing you down because you are letting her. Stop letting her pull your strings.

You are giving her all the power and importance when in reality she has no power.

You're right of course!
It's like she has manipulated me into feeling this constant fear of not being able to live wthout her or something.
In reality,I know exactly who I am and what I am capable of and it's the fear of letting go that's holding me back.

To most other people,I am seen as a cool,confident,intelligent,funny guy.
When she sees this,she thinks I'm being "cocky" or arrogant.
It's like I'm slowly losing my "real" self to her.

It's like the tables have been completely turned.
Now,she sees me as weak & needy,which in turn re-enforces my insecurities,and so the cycle continues.
The thing is,how do I break that cycle?

Oh The Humanity

The thing is,how do I break that cycle?

Stop seeking her approval.

Stop caring so much if she calls you 'cocky' or 'arrogant' etc
Let her call you whatever she wants, start doing what you want.

She only has power because you are handing it to her on a plate.

Break all the automatic habits you have of modifying yourself in order to please her. She's never pleased anyway so you might as well please yourself.

If she puts you down tell her to fook off. Whats she gonna do?

Be shocked and go into a bout of self pity. Good.

Stop being pu$$y whipped. Find your testicles again.

Women respect a man who doesn't do everything they say. Be yourself. Be your own person. Stop letting her spiteful little comments be so important to you.

Start feeling good. All the power is in your hands.

What do you fear? Whats the worst that could happen if you do all this?

william hicks

Unregistered wrote: »

Op that reads so similar to my relationship with my ex. Except my boyfriend (ex) was acting like your gf is. He took his moods out on me and was so hot and cold. It seemed there was only love between us when he wanted, he was there for me if he was in a good mood but if he was stressed (which was alot - even doing normal things everyone has to do he was like "Woe is me"!) he would take it out on me and make me feel bad for being low or needy. He would shout at me, dissapear and say he couldnt handle it.

I think my ex and your gf are selfish people. Its that simple. You are not being treated as you deserve. You need support from her. You sound nice and reasonable. People dont change that much so you have to ask yourself do you want to be with someone who treats you like this.

You havent changed its just your confidence is low and its like you are suffering mental abuse from her. I have only just walked away and its devestating, I am so sad that I cant eat or sleep but I know I will be better off in the long run. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be with a guy who is nice to me most of the time! But I am sure he exsists
somewhere.

You are very brave for walking away.
I'm confused as to whether that's the best option.
I think maybe I need to stand up to her and see how that pans out.
I am a great believer in love conquering all.
Maybe that's naive of me.

Wibbs

william hicks wrote: »

I am a great believer in love conquering all.
Maybe that's naive of me.

Funny enough even as a died in the woll cynic that one I believe in. But and it's a big but, only if love is present on both sides and within each person. If not, game over sooner or later.

I agree with Oh The Humanity 100%, you need to stop seeking her approval. I would say it's that and even worse, you're seeking peace by capitulating to her strops/whims hoping that will help. "If I love her enough and am patient enough it'll work out and she'll come around". IMHO? A hiding to nothing. She won't and all you will end up doing is lurching from one issue to the next trying to put out fires you didn't start. You're fanning them though by going along with it.

LegacyUser

william hicks wrote: »

You are very brave for walking away.
I'm confused as to whether that's the best option.
I think maybe I need to stand up to her and see how that pans out.
I am a great believer in love conquering all.
Maybe that's naive of me.

No Im not Its taken me years! Four years together and breaking up over the last year. He keeps trying to see me which makes it harder as I am feeling so weak at the moment. I think like yourself I appear confident to people but I feel like a fraud.

I really want him to be nice to me and want the same things as me cause I love him and he loves me but my god he is such a head wrecker! I wish I was stronger and could be like a guy and stop thinking about him. There are lots of guys out there, so I am taking a break for my sanity at the moment

But you sound like you have hope there, so hang in there, maybe show her this thread?

william hicks

Wibbs wrote: »

Funny enough even as a died in the woll cynic that one I believe in. But and it's a big but, only if love is present on both sides and within each person. If not, game over sooner or later.

I agree with Oh The Humanity 100%, you need to stop seeking her approval. I would say it's that and even worse, you're seeking peace by capitulating to her strops/whims hoping that will help. "If I love her enough and am patient enough it'll work out and she'll come around". IMHO? A hiding to nothing. She won't and all you will end up doing is lurching from one issue to the next trying to put out fires you didn't start. You're fanning them though by going along with it.

You're absolutely right!!
Thank you.

Oh The Humanity

I am a great believer in love conquering all.
Maybe that's naive of me.

Maybe a bit of tough love though in this case!

She is the one who is going to have to make the effort here. You can't do it all, after all she is the one who is behaving badly. She is the one who needs to modify her behaviour if she wants to keep you.

Dont fall into the trap of trying to fill the silence if she goes cold and silent. Really thats exactly what she wants, you to fuss around attentively worrying and trying desperately to get 'back in the good books again'

If she goes cold, let her. Dont react, coninue doing whatever you were doing anyway.

thefeatheredcat

Some great advise in the comments already given!

I hope it works out for you OP - I certainly wouldn't like to know you turned into Niles in the earlier series of Fraiser when he was married to Marris...

And you deserve better! Be strong for yourself.

Taltos

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Some great advise in the comments already given!

I hope it works out for you OP - I certainly wouldn't like to know you turned into Niles in the earlier series of Fraiser when he was married to Marris...

And you deserve better! Be strong for yourself.

Hope it works too. But +1 to deserving better - don't forget it.
Sometimes the decisions we are forced to make are ones we don't want to make.