Time to bite the bullet?

Tchaikovsky

I've deliberated a bit about this; I'm kinda looking for advice but also want to get some things off my chest..

So I'm a 24 year old guy and am quite shy and retiring, but particularly when it comes to girls! I've had one serious relationship and a couple of dates here and there, not much to write home about.

Thing is, it's almost always the girl who has to make the first move and/or declare the interest. I guess it's just a case of confidence and self-assurance; I mean I've been told I'm handsome, have a great smile, am really sound by plenty of people, but I just don't seem to ever believe it. I know that alot of women would love to get to know me or whatever, but in the heat of the moment, that notion is lost.

I am a pretty independent person who has battled depression since I was 12 or so and come out the other end.. but I would love to have someone to care for, that physical and emotional intimacy, someone who cheers me up in the morning, the excitement of that honeymoon period... the thought of another Christmas alone, seeing couples holding hands everywhere really brings me down.

I had planned to meet up with someone this summer who I had been in contact with for a couple of months, was really looking forward to it but things took an unlucky twist and I was fairly disappointed.

I suppose it's given me the kick I needed; I've come to realize that it would do no harm for me to be more open with the opposite sex; make eye contact with a pretty stranger in a cafe, flirt, talk to someone random in a bar or at an event... things I've never done! It would be great if I could do that, but it's hard.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone is/was in a similar position to myself, how they went about changing things, and perhaps any advice??

Thanks

StopWhispering

Unfortunately I do not hold all the answers to your predicament.

But I can tell you that by your description, I thought very similar to you when it came to confidence with the opposite sex when I was younger. Then when I started college all that changed, the new environment helped tremendously, I convinced myself that no-one knows me here and that I could be anyone I wanted, re-invent myself, if you will. It seems to have worked.

You say that you never seem to believe the things your friends etc say you are. Well, perhaps for starters just listen to what they say and go with it. Pretend to be confident at first as an experiment. See how people react to that. I'm sure they will react well and then when you see this you will finally realise that all those nice things that your friends have been telling you are, in fact, true!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm in exactly the same situation as you except I am 27.

If anyone has any words of wisdom I would love to hear them too.

I'm terrible in social situations with women. It all boils down to my fear of rejection, the fact that my social circle are all coupled off, my only single friends using each other as wingmen(I hate that bull****) and never involving me when they go off chasing women and leaving me to talk to the couples for the night. It has gotten to the stage where i hate heading out on nights out cos I never get anywhere. It seems like I'm doing the same boring thing ever weekend while the rest of the world moves on

LegacyUser

female, 26 and the exact same.
I've come to realise that confident is the key thing and i also think 'acting' is the only way. most people out and about have some little insecurities etc, but they dont' show it. put it this way, as a girl, I like to see a man with a nice level of confidence, not cocky type, but not too shy, bascially the kinda guy who can speak to a girl, smile, and appear conformtable in their own skin.

I now know that this is what I need to do... and I am trying my best whenever i'm out...

I suppose it's a tad harder for men, cos they tend to do the approaching in bars etc. but chill out, relax and tell yourself you're great, and if you do it enough, it will stick, and the girls will come along...
good luck.

LegacyUser

I am a 30 year old male, now in a relationship fro over 3 years. I like you was very shy around the opposite sex. I think it all stems back to the teenage years. I went to an all boy school, so never really had much interaction with girls, except the ones that lived near me. My mates were all the same too. in the pub and clubs we would bethe losers holding up the bar.

I went to college, but as the course I was doing was mainly boys too, it did not help my social skills. In my early 20's spent a lot of the time getting drunk, for courage and on occasions it did work. However the older I was getting, I was becoming more confident, I was interacting with girls at work, sharing rental accomodation and I realised that there was nothing to be scared off.

I think that if you can put the thought of love etc out of your mind and just get to know the girl as a friend and then take it from there, you should be ok.

As I say, I am now with my girlfriend for 3 years and I met her in a club where we were introduced by mutal friends. while our friends were talking to each other, I could have just stood there like a fool (I had done on previous occasions), but I just went over and talked to the girl, asked her to dance and we have been together since.

I have often spoke to my girlfriend about it and lack of confidence and she always maintains as does her friends, that if a guy works up the courage to approach them, they would always be polite and would chat away. We do however know some girls who do like to make fun of a bloke in this situation - if it happens do not let it get to you, bad experience, not all girls are like that.

I do have a male friend who is very confident, and my mates and I always maintain that he just plays the percentages. Where some blokes would just hang out together and be shy, this guy hits the dance floor on his own, asks random girls to dance etc, just strikes up a conversation with wahtever girls are close by - and now the amout of female friends he has is crazy.

Hope the above might help.

dblennon

It's a basic numbers game I was giving advice to these kind of threads a few months ago,

I can honestly say that if you just go out there chat to women learn from your mistakes treat every approach as an experience you will come on leaps and bounds in a very short time.

I don't even need to do this any more as I have built up the confidence to chat to anyone I like.

3 basic rules of opening.

1. smile.
2. make eye contact
3. say "hi I'm _______" within a couple of seconds.

there are also all sorts of dating tips on the internet **they work and give you funny things to say to people to plough through when trying to create rapore in a short informal chat**

Tchaikovsky

Thanks for the advice lads and lassies... after last weekend, I just think I've lucked out with regards to women at this stage
Going gay isn't an alternative, so I'll just have to find solace in simple pleasures (a bit like Amelie )

J Peterman

Unregistered wrote: »

female, 26 and the exact same.
I've come to realise that confident is the key thing and i also think 'acting' is the only way.

I like this advice- I'm a big fan of the "Act As If" school of self-improvement. If you want to be more confident, (or nicer, or more sensitive, or whatever) make a consious effort to Act As If you already are a confident person when you're out. Within a few months I'll wager you actually are feeling more confident.

(I did this myself when I was in college, came out of it loads more self-confident. Now if only I could Act As If I were a model employee, I wouldn't be poasting on boards during work hours!:P)

jmbkay

Some of you around here should consider meeting up. There are a few of you who sound really lonely, i.e. going out alone.

Tchaikovsky

I never go out alone and have plenty of friends... it's just that I miss the excitement of dating and physical intimacy

Novella

Well from your post you sound really nice So I think if you just acted like that around girls you should have no problem! If you don't have confidence, just fake it! At the end of the day, girls are just like guys and we have the exact same fears as you so remember that and it'll be less scary! Good luck

Tchaikovsky

Aw thanks
Just to point out my luck with girls at the moment, this is about me:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055625869

Novella

As in you're the cute guy she met? I wouldn't say this situation has anything to do with your bad luck or a fault of your own. I mean, the girl is going through a tough break up so she is just finding it difficult to move on. I hate to say this but.... it's not you She thinks you're cute, that's good! In a different situation, she might feel differently. This has nothing to do with you, this is just bad timing.

Tchaikovsky

But it was bad timing with a different girl the previous week, who was attracted to me... it's always bad timing! That's why I never became a comedian

Novella

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

But it was bad timing with a different girl the previous week, who was attracted to me... it's always bad timing! That's why I never became a comedian

Haha

Well you are still young (ish ) so don't worry, it'll happen! Try not to think about it, just enjoy being single for now, have fun 'cause nothing is more attractive than a guy just enjoying himself!

Tchaikovsky

Are you doing anything at the weekend, Novella?

Haha, only joking; yeah I'm just going to relax about things, my heart has been beating like a drum these past few weeks

Novella

Tchaikovsky wrote: »

Are you doing anything at the weekend, Novella?

Haha, only joking; yeah I'm just going to relax about things, my heart has been beating like a drum these past few weeks

Haha, you just broke my number one rule, NO MORE THINKING GIRLS!

Exactly, take it easy and you'll soon be Casanova!

Tchaikovsky

Thanks for the replies

I guess things are affecting me moreso because it's the summer and there's very little to do at the moment; which is why I'm making a real effort to do more sports and other things that I enjoy.
That's helping to keep/make me happy. With that happiness, hopefully I'll feel more relaxed with myself and consequently, with others.
Fingers crossed

Tchaikovsky

OP here again,
Well the bullet was bitten and I've gone on a couple of dates over the last few months. Unfortunately, nothing's come of them- I mean, I've wanted to pursue things but each girl has had some sort of 'ex issue' and have either decided to get back with him or preferred to be on their own.
The last girl I met, we went out 3 times and we had the best craic! I was attracted to her and had a good feeling about things. Then she said she couldn't see me anymore even though I was 'the loveliest guy' she's ever met.
Now, as Novella said already, it's not about me... but there's only so many times I can be in this situation and hear this until I really start to doubt myself.
I'm a very lucky person in many respects, I know that, but in terms of forming relationships, I'm completely lucked-out I guess it pisses me off when I hear about lads cheating on their girlfriends, who consistently put up with it, while I treat everyone with respect and courtesy, yet get very little in return. I'm a great guy and I don't deserve to be messed around and led on.
I mean, what do I do? Do I stop looking for someone and hope that by pure luck, I meet someone amazing? Because my track record so far says that's not going to happen any time soon!!
I am concentrating on myself; spending time with friends, studying in college and doing a tefl course, but I just want to spend some time with a cool girl.
I suppose this is just a bit of venting, but any advice would be more than welcome

e04bf099

I wait with bated breath for the advice because could have started this thread myself.

I'm thinkin' about the dating websites but I don't now which ones to use.

magneticimpulse

reading this thread...i was thinking, wow im single and looking for a guy and theres guys here heartbroken looking for an amazing girl. then someone suggested people from the board should get together. then novella made a sort of move

hmmm the temptation. forget dating websites and bars i think ive found some the place

(ok im know this is not a dating website, but my heart goes out, because we all sitting at home typing from our computers complaining we not met amazing people and seems like pretty much amazing people here )

dotsflan

magneticimpulse wrote: »

reading this thread...i was thinking, wow im single and looking for a guy and theres guys here heartbroken looking for an amazing girl. then someone suggested people from the board should get together. then novella made a sort of move

hmmm the temptation. forget dating websites and bars i think ive found some the place

(ok im know this is not a dating website, but my heart goes out, because we all sitting at home typing from our computers complaining we not met amazing people and seems like pretty much amazing people here )

I agree, there seems to be loads of decent single people around boards!