Abnormal food relationship/ food fears?

LegacyUser

Hi,
20yr old female, and I think that my relationship with food is abnormal towards other people. All I do is obsess about food all day.I feel like every thought I have somehow twists itself into thoughts about food. . Sorry if this seems stupid, but I'm sick of these thoughts and I wish I could just be able to enjoy it and think like a normal person.I really don't know how to explain this because its so weird, and I feel really foolish tbh. Anyways, here is my story...

When I look back on my childhood, I can remember always having weird food thoughts and habits. I was literally petrified of eating certain foods (e.g. One time I got a burger in Supermacs, and when I took a bite I discovered it was the wrong one because it had mayonaisse on it. I roared crying infront of everyone. I would also refuse to eat any type of vegetables or dairy products, and used to tell my mother I was scared of them).

When I was about 14 I used to go through periods where I would literally be scared to eat anything, because I would feel disgusting and almost dirty. The longest this would have lasted for would be about 7 days, and then I would go back to eating normally and the thoughts would mostly reside. I still wouldn't eat vegetables or dairy products. I was underweight (not by much) and when I went to my doctor, he said I had anaemia. They told me to take iron tablets and suggested that I try icecream after my dinner, because I refused to drink milk.


The weird thing is that I would feel fine while eating the icecream, and actually enjoyed it.But afterwards my heart would palpitate and I would a sudden surge of anxiety. One day when I was really full, I just opened my mouth and was able to vomit all of it up. I liked the feeling, and continued doing it. I stopped eating icecream after a while, because I knew that I shouldn't have been making myself sick.

When I was 16, I began restricting my calories. I would do so until I would reach 99lbs (exactly) and then I would stop. I loved seeing the double digits on the scale. When I reached 99 I would just go back to eating normally again,and natural weight would return (approx. 110lbs ). I would start the diet again after a month or two, when I would become depressed with my weight.

When I started college, I began to make myself vomit again. I would skip a lecture and order enough chinese to feed 2, eat it in my room, and vomit. I stopped it again after a few months.

At the moment, I could eat little or nothing for a week...I would lose a few pounds and feel really happy. But then next week I could be stuffing my face, sometimes vomiting, sometimes not. I eat baby carrots and tomatoes now, but I still feel nauseus after I eat them and I'm scared to eat any others.

I'm 5'4 and 113lbs, which is not underweight. Some days I feel happy enough with my body, and then other days I just want to hide behind a big hoody and starve.


Obviously I'm not anorexic but I think all of this is all taking it's toll on me- I find it hard to sleep and study, I feel physically drained and always sick, and some days I don't even get out of bed.

This post is very scattered and long but basically I was wondering if anyone has any experiences like mine or can offer advice?? I don't know what is wrong with me and I feel like I'm 2 different persons... one day I don't eat anything, the next I eat fine, the next day I might myself vomit?? I think I will go see a counsellor when I go back to college in September.... but until then I'd just like to see what others think.. Thanks

LouOB

I think your decision to help yourself is a step in the right direction
It takes alot of courage to acknowledge that you need help and accept it

But think about the long term affects on your health
Your body needs certain nutrients inorder to survive over time the pressure you are putting on your heart will show.
Rather than looking at food - think about your health
Sounds like you have addictive personality and you could change that addiction into a positive one - veggies/fish/excerising/muscles etc
Your fixation might of stem from the Supermacs experience or negative episode while younger. Am no professional here on the matter, just giving feedback

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thanks for the comment. I dont know really what I expected out of my post, just needed to vent and piece my thoughts together, but obviously they are still sort've all over the place.

I just feel like a crazy person and was hoping there would be someone out there who could relate to me

I definitely hope to go to counselling in September though, because I wont stand a chance on nursing placement if I'm in such a physical and emotional state as I am right now, and I do want to be normal

LegacyUser

Hi there,

You sound like me! I am 21 and have felt like a freak for the last few years battling with an E.D. I've wasted so much time and missed out on so much :-)

Unfortunately it is unlikely that you will just "grow out of this" or stop by yourself. You need professional help. Please go and nip this in the bud before you spend another 10 years or so wasted because of this condition. www.marinotherapycentre.com

I am attending the Marino Therapy Centre at the moment and would highly recommend them, they are saving my life.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

What you've described sounds like Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa and these are serious illnesses.

You obviously have a difficult relationship with food which is not uncommon.

If you think you have an issue and are worried, I recommend you speak to your GP and get help as they will give able to refer you to someone that can help further.

Your diet effects your hormones and a contributing factor to your depression.

There's plenty of support groups for what you're going through around and also online. But the important thing is that you're not a freak!

LegacyUser

Hi, firstly I think its great that you have some insight and have decided to go talk to somebody, however, as a trainee psychotherapist I would suggest getting help as soon as possible because the longer a problem habituates the psyche, the harder and longer it takes to get rid of it.

Best of luck.