Stingy friend

stiff kitten

have a friend whos really tight when it comes to paying her way. eg.
we're at the bar and always stands back to wait for me to order. people
buy rounds and include her and noone never gets 1 drink back.

she says she wants to stay on her own. if thats the case, she shouldnt be taking drinks from other people. suppose its hard for them to leave her out.

the thing is shes my friend and she doesnt know the others and im embarrassed of her selfishness.

i didnt know she was like this when we became friends..now i dont want her going out with me if shes gonna be like that. what do i say to her? also...we went on long journey, from one end of the country to the other and she gave me buttons for all the petrol i used.

im thinkin i should just give her the cold shoulder

Latchy

Stingness is not nice .You could suggest that she give you X amount of money up front before you enter the bar .

When she asks why ? you reply '' to pay for the drinks your going to consume tonight ,what else ? ''

LegacyUser

deffo say it to her! I lived with a girl who was possibly the stingiest person known to man --- Whenever we ordered a food delivery for example,she wouldn't order anything - claim she 'wasn't hungry' and then she'd end up eating a fair share of our food.
This happened a few times and then one day I was about to place an order and asked her - are you gonna order something? I got the usual 'no thanks - I'm not hungry' and I said 'Well you have to order something, because you're not gonna eat mine!'.
She didn't argue, because she knew well what she had been doing. After that she always ordered something for herself and left our food alone.
I think a lot of these stingy people rely on the fact that other people are too nice to say it to them - but once you call them up on it, they won't do it again!

buckieburd

Next time you go out to the pub with her suggest a kitty between the two of you? If she refuses just buy your own and not hers she'll soon get the message!

tbh

stiff kitten wrote: »

we're at the bar and always stands back to wait for me to order. people
buy rounds and include her and noone never gets 1 drink back.

she does these things. You let her do these things. Next time your out, you say "your round, I believe!" with a big smile. If she then says "I'm on my own" you say "grand so" and order for everyone else. If she takes a drink off one of your friends, say to her - "Are you back in the rounds now?"

I've no problem with people not getting into rounds. I'm not a big drinker myself, and so I avoid the rounds system. Generally what I'll do is but the first round, then I can decide at each round whether I want one or not, with no bad feelings. But your friend is taking advantage of you and your friends good nature, and I assure you, if you've noticed, they have too.

This is not your problem, and it shouldn't be a problem for you. If you think she should give you more money for petrol, ask her for it. If she's genuinely tight, she'll avoid hanging round with you in future because she'll know she can't get away with it. If she's broke, she'll explain. If she's unaware she's doing it, she'll cop on.

But if you decide to say nothing, you can't really sit there fuming, you know?

r3nu4l

tbh wrote: »

she does these things. You let her do these things. Next time your out, you say "your round, I believe!" with a big smile. If she then says "I'm on my own" you say "grand so" and order for everyone else. If she takes a drink off one of your friends, say to her - "Are you back in the rounds now?"

I've no problem with people not getting into rounds. I'm not a big drinker myself, and so I avoid the rounds system. Generally what I'll do is but the first round, then I can decide at each round whether I want one or not, with no bad feelings. But your friend is taking advantage of you and your friends good nature, and I assure you, if you've noticed, they have too.

This is not your problem, and it shouldn't be a problem for you. If you think she should give you more money for petrol, ask her for it. If she's genuinely tight, she'll avoid hanging round with you in future because she'll know she can't get away with it. If she's broke, she'll explain. If she's unaware she's doing it, she'll cop on.

But if you decide to say nothing, you can't really sit there fuming, you know?

Says it all really! Tbh is right, you need to call her on it in a friendly manner once or twice.

Oh The Humanity

Yeh, I wouldn't buy her any more drinks. Don't be embarassed, she obviously isn't.

Come down from the bar and dole out the drinks the everyone else, if she says anything just say...'I thought you said you were on your own'

People like this depend on people like yourself who are too nice to say anything upfront.

Dont play into her hands, Just have as much front as her.

Shame her!

The Corinthian

Firstly, your friend is parasitic rather than stingy. I've known people who follow the maxim of "never a borrower or a lender be" and while they'll never buy you a drink, they'll never accept one either.

Secondly; draw a line. Parasitic people rely upon people feeling uncomfortable if they are without. If you flatly refuse to do this, it may be uncomfortable for you to have a drink when she is without one, but it will be the only way she'll get the message and either change her ways or move onto another group who can still be exploited. A win-win, TBH.

IvyTheTerrible

She'll never know (or keep getting away with it) if you don't tell her.

Like with the car thing, a lot of people would never think about the petrol if they're not driving. If I was doing a big drive and taking people along, I would always ask at the start if they would mind giving me a share of the petrol money. That way they know at the start so there is no huffiness when I ask for the money later.

Bite the bullet.

LizardKing

I have known people like this .. they need to be told straight out .. if you buy them a drink then when you're finished your drink ... tap them on the shoulder and show them the empty glass and say " your round " ... then wait for the drink to be handed to you ... some people will try offload the price of the pint or something but most times they'll get the drink in

Other side is frugal people who try not to get stung by the round skippers ... I tend to stay on my own if I know theres little chance of me getting a full round back in drinks ..

snowy2008

i remember i was out with a few people from work and i bought a round just to be friendly, no one bought me a drink back, some people are just mean, theres an expression you cant be mean enough to a mean person and nice enough to a nice one

partyguinness

If you are such friends with her, then you should be able to say it to her face directly.

partyguinness

We have a buddy who is notorious for making sure he gets his round in the pub (beers) when we are in the pub and then in the nightclub he will ask for Red Bull and vodka and then disappears.

He is also well known for dodging taxi fares and never having any change. But we are well onto it and its actually amusing. I just never get into rounds with him and insist on his share of the taxi fare if I have paid it..even if it is €2.00...but its easier for me as I am the only one who doesnt work with him plus the lads have me well warned.

LegacyUser

partyguinness wrote: »

If you are such friends with her, then you should be able to say it to her face directly.

Yeah this is the problem id suspect, Its a real turnoff in a friendship, and sometimes people feel the person is not worth it because its a lot to sort out and confront, I had a friend who left her wallet at home constantly, it was so convenient for her id end up paying for the taxi and drinks, this was years ago, i soon grew out of these friends because they were not going to change.

Your friend will push people away being like this as she may not get invited next time, yeah you could sort it out but yeah you may just not be bothered to sort it out for her.

davmol

I work with a few foreginers and made the mistake of always being the first to the bar when out for work drinks.Id buy a round sometimes 6 or 7 drinks and sit there for an hour waiting for the turn to be reciprocated but it never happened."2 of the irish lads would return the favour the odd time and although i hate stingyness i find im becoming very cautious now with money at the bar.Id have no problem getting in shots etc but always seem to be the one who spends money while everyone receives.

I just dont think other many other natonalities use the 'round' culture and i understand this but isnt it universal that kindness should be returned every so often

Darragh29

Unregistered wrote: »

deffo say it to her! I lived with a girl who was possibly the stingiest person known to man --- Whenever we ordered a food delivery for example,she wouldn't order anything - claim she 'wasn't hungry' and then she'd end up eating a fair share of our food.
This happened a few times and then one day I was about to place an order and asked her - are you gonna order something? I got the usual 'no thanks - I'm not hungry' and I said 'Well you have to order something, because you're not gonna eat mine!'.
She didn't argue, because she knew well what she had been doing. After that she always ordered something for herself and left our food alone.
I think a lot of these stingy people rely on the fact that other people are too nice to say it to them - but once you call them up on it, they won't do it again!

You cannot shame a mean person, no matter how hard you try, they have no shame and they use this to get you to pay for things that they should be paying for...

SarahSassy

Say to her, out loud, before anyhone buys a round 'are you sticking on your own tonight Mary?'.

She is brazen and its so obnoxious...

SueWho

I agree Daragh29- these people have no shame but the good thing is this makes it EASIER to say something to them. People like your friend are well aware of what they're doing and like another poster said, they'll just do it until someone stops them. You can still be friends too- this isn't a big deal.

I'd just go up to the bar and order my own drink. If you feel the need to explain yourself or if she asks why you didn't get her one just simply say "well you usually never seem to want to take part in rounds so I figured it's just easier if we get our own drinks".

VERYinterested

Years ago in my football playing days, there was one guy who was a total mingebag. When in the pub after a game and if someone was offering a cigarette out of courtesy, he would always take one. He used to buy 10 Carrolls and never offered anyone a ciggie when he took one out. He was so mean he would even use the other lads matches!! We all knew the score and nobody would ever offer to buy him a drink. One day the manager of the team, who had heard all the stories of this guy's meanness, witnessed first hand the cigarette scam. The manager previously wouldn't believe us that anyone could be so stingy, so he bided his time. He waited for our mingebag teammate to slyly dip in to his pocket and fish out the Carrolls, he whipped the box off him and offered all the lads a ciggie and even guys that didn't smoke took one! From that day on, he learned manners and didn't take any of the other lads ciggies. I had another mate who would get in rounds and when he wasn't feeling up to a drink he'd say, "can I have the money instead" bollocks wasn't long about being sorted out. Takes all sorts I suppose, most of us aren't so calculating and they prey on us. Make a stand I tells ya!

Darragh29

SueWho wrote: »

I agree Daragh29- these people have no shame but the good thing is this makes it EASIER to say something to them. People like your friend are well aware of what they're doing and like another poster said, they'll just do it until someone stops them. You can still be friends too- this isn't a big deal.

I'd just go up to the bar and order my own drink. If you feel the need to explain yourself or if she asks why you didn't get her one just simply say "well you usually never seem to want to take part in rounds so I figured it's just easier if we get our own drinks".

Sue I've a friend who is the meanest person I have ever met, we've all come to the conclusion that you just cannot shame him, he spends every waking minute of the day coming up with ways to save him spending money and getting other people to pay for things that he should be paying for.

Of all the flaws and vices that a person can have, I'm come to learn that this one is by far the worst. Little things like if me and my mates are in a round, and say another one of my mates arrives into the pub, we'll just get him a pint and I suppose you coud say we'll just integrate him into the round without a big song or a dance... This mean mate will object saying, "No, he's to wait until this round is over before he can get into it", like God forbid my mate who just arrived might get a free pint out of it and in any event he wouldn't, he'd be sure to get a round in at some stage...

What we do is just avoid getting into rounds now or any kind of transaction with him, he's not good with taxi's either, does a bee-line for the back seat every time and if by some miracle he ends up in the front he is putting the paw out for 3 Euro off everyone at the end of the journey, the rest of us would just pay the tenner if you're in the front and it balances out over time as we're all good mates...

It definitely puts a strain on a friendship, we just are continually amazed how small things like a 3 Euro taxi contribution or a price of a pint can become so important to a miser. The solution for us has been to be constantly on alert for his miserly behavior, (this isn't the way you want to spend your nights out either!), we don't miss a trick and where he tries to pull one on any of us, he's pulled up straight away and it's sorted out.

It's not the way we want to do business but his carry on has forced it on the rest of us...

pawrick

had a mate who did the same, would never buy a round back but was always willing to accept when asked. That's fine on occassion but it became too regular. had a chat with him to say that it was embarrassing me on front of my other mates and basically if it continued he wouldn't be invited in future. If you accept rounds you should buy them back or make it clear that you want to stay on your own. Also drinking extra slow when it's coming to your turn in the hope people will forget is not on - pointed this out to him also.

now things have changed - if I'm in the group he'll buy a drink back but he still pulls this crap to other mates and has no shame in doing it until it's pointed out.

LegacyUser

I used to work with a chap like this. He'd go to the pub every Friday, sit in rounds of drinks and then when it came to his round he'd say "oh I'm heading off home soon so I'll just buy myself a pint and leave you lot in your round".

It happened one to many times so when he came back down with his own pint one Friday (obviously having accepted drinks from everybody in the previous rounds), one of the lads grabbed his pint off him, downed it in one go and said "if you're too stingy to buy a round, you can f*ck off and find some other gobsh*tes to drink with".

It worked a treat and he never tried to dodge a round again. I guess the moral of the story is - when people are that stingy, sometimes the best option is to be as blunt and obvious as possible!

orourkeda

Like everyone else, I have to suggest that it either grasp the nettle and say it or keep having her sponge off you

Darragh29

Mew wrote: »

I used to work with a chap like this. He'd go to the pub every Friday, sit in rounds of drinks and then when it came to his round he'd say "oh I'm heading off home soon so I'll just buy myself a pint and leave you lot in your round".

It happened one to many times so when he came back down with his own pint one Friday (obviously having accepted drinks from everybody in the previous rounds), one of the lads grabbed his pint off him, downed it in one go and said "if you're too stingy to buy a round, you can f*ck off and find some other gobsh*tes to drink with".

It worked a treat and he never tried to dodge a round again. I guess the moral of the story is - when people are that stingy, sometimes the best option is to be as blunt and obvious as possible!

Excellent story! Even at that, you still can't shame them though, as another one of my mates will say, "Ye just can't shame a mean c*nt!"...

This mate of mine, he recently tried to reinvent the whole rounds system to screw a drink out of me... Just say for example three people are in a round, PersonA, PersonB and PersonC... As we all know, the way a round works is that after PersonA, PersonB and PersonC buys a round of drinks, there endeth the round!

This muppet recently tried to convince me after a few drinks of the following:

PersonA buys a round, Person B buys a round, PersonC buys a round and then Person A buys a round and then that's the end of the round!!!!!!! Basically PersonA gets stung for an extra round of drinks, or 15 Euro in a 3 person round!?!?!?!

I started arguing with him on this and he kept arguing with me, he was obviously relying on me being probably too embarrassed to argue the point with him, hoping I'd just shuffle off to the bar and comply for peace...

One of my other mates picked up on the discussion and pulled him up on it, "Listen you, you know fu*kin' well that you're talking a load of boll*x, now stop pretending your too drunk to know how rounds work, you're not stingin' anyone in this group for drink, get the f*ck up to the bar and don't come back to this table without a round of drinks 'cos it's your f*ckin round mate!"...

You just can't shame a mean c*nt!

stiff kitten

thanks for all the posts..

didnt expect id get so many replies...

suppose they're free!

ah no...i know some of you suggested spelling it out to her and telling her its her round. i did this before as we were prolonging our last drops in our glasses and her reply was "ah im fine for the moment" or else she'll be at the bathroom. she wont be out with me again....this really changes my opinion of her.

i told her about the petrol...never again

tbh

ok well if your intention in asking was to find out if you were being a dick for having it out with her - then, it would seem the answer is a resounding NO.

Darragh29

stiff kitten wrote: »

thanks for all the posts..

didnt expect id get so many replies...

suppose they're free!

ah no...i know some of you suggested spelling it out to her and telling her its her round. i did this before as we were prolonging our last drops in our glasses and her reply was "ah im fine for the moment" or else she'll be at the bathroom. she wont be out with me again....this really changes my opinion of her.

i told her about the petrol...never again

You won't shame her into it OP, it isn't possible. What you need to do when it comes to drinks is just go up to the bar and get yourself a drink and leave her there with an empty glass.

I've been quite taken aback with my own experience of this behaviour. I've come to believe that this, (in the case of my mate, because it is so extreme), is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour. It's like the person completely obsesses about not spending money, they spend a large amount of their time obsessing over it and that is more or less a definition for OCD.

At it's most basic level, it is manipulation. They manipulate you very subtly into doing things that you don't want to do. Say in your case there, two empty glasses and she doesn't want more drink, she wants you to go up and pay for another round and you're probably too nice to assert yourself and just either make her get her round in or else go up yourself and just get a drink for yourself.

You have to be prepared to let her sit there with an empty glass and a puss on her face if she wants, it's either that or else be taken for a complete mug...

The only other thing that can be happening is that she could be going through a hard time financially and she just can't afford to drink and if that's the case, then she shouldn't be in a pub getting into rounds in fairness to yourself...

stiff kitten

she has a better job than i do!

she just wants to hold on tightly to every penny.
will do that if there is a next time so...dont bother gettin her a drink..it will look very odd to other people in group..that il completely leave her out...neways

mikeystipey

Unregistered wrote: »

I think a lot of these stingy people rely on the fact that other people are too nice to say it to them - but once you call them up on it, they won't do it again!

Good point, must implement this strategy next time I experience a miserly ge*bag

Darragh29

stiff kitten wrote: »

she has a better job than i do!

she just wants to hold on tightly to every penny.
will do that if there is a next time so...dont bother gettin her a drink..it will look very odd to other people in group..that il completely leave her out...neways

Well you have your answer there so with the financial end of it.

It's either take no prisoners on the matter and stick by yourself or else be taken for a mug. You simply won't shame her into playing ball, the nature of the manipulative behaviour they use inhibits any shame or guilt on their part.

As I say to my other mates, who wants a friend that manipulates you??? Who wants to be looking over their shoulder all night having to be on your guard for a stroke coming at you? It's hard enough to earn the money these days than to have to suffer this bullsh*t. I think you should just count yourself lucky that she possibly isn't a "best friend"...

LegacyUser

stiff kitten wrote: »

she has a better job than i do!

she just wants to hold on tightly to every penny.
will do that if there is a next time so...dont bother gettin her a drink..it will look very odd to other people in group..that il completely leave her out...neways

You could say next time your out together that tonight you have to stick to your own as your a bit broke- play her at her own game.

some girls take liberties with regards to noy paying for drinks sometime.

Darragh29

Unregistered wrote: »

You could say next time your out together that tonight you have to stick to your own as your a bit broke- play her at her own game.

some girls take liberties with regards to noy paying for drinks sometime.

I doubt it is a gender specific issue. Some people are just miserable b*stards, I'd love to be able to do a case study and investigate how people end up like this, like is it something they pick up from their parents or what is it...

Up de Barrs

stiff kitten wrote: »

also...we went on long journey, from one end of the country to the other and she gave me buttons for all the petrol i used.

im thinkin i should just give her the cold shoulder

The petrol thing is interesing, if a few of us are going on a long journey and I wasn't driving I would always say at the start that we should all throw in a few quid each to cover it. There was one guy I used to be friends with and I must have given him a lift to dozens of things we were going to. When he eventually got a car of his own he never once offered a lift to me (or anyone else). You see through people eventually. I would write her off.

SarahSassy

I think asking for money for petrol, if you are going that way anyway, is pure tightfistedness. I would rather starve than ask my friends for money for giving them a lift. If one of my group of friends drive the others would generally buy him / her lunch or whatever on the way but if someone asked me for €'s I'd would be disgusted.

venividivici

sounds like it was some kinda trip they were going on so damn right she should of split the petrol money or at least contributed..

say it to the hungry c???

stiff kitten

SarahSassy wrote: »

I think asking for money for petrol, if you are going that way anyway, is pure tightfistedness. I would rather starve than ask my friends for money for giving them a lift. If one of my group of friends drive the others would generally buy him / her lunch or whatever on the way but if someone asked me for €'s I'd would be disgusted.

come on i drove her from ballina to dublin and back again for oxegen concert...

Darragh29

stiff kitten wrote: »

come on i drove her from ballina to dublin and back again for oxegen concert...

It was up to her to offer if she had any gratitude or manners, like what would it have cost her, a tenner??? If she offered then if you didn't want to take money for petrol then that was up to yourself.

Typically scabby behaviour on her part, hoping you'll be too embarrassed to ask her for money and then she gets away with it. As I said, you can't shame a mean c*nt....

irishcrazyhorse

Myself and the lads all work in the bar trade so most nights after work we get our ass to the nearest late bar and rounds always in-sue unless you are tight with cash that week and then they always offer to stay on there own but usually we dont mind as we know they will get you back when you are a bit stuck-

That is,except the foreign lads,aussies mainly,last week I had notocied that one of the girls only ever had 2 drinks and left never buying the round back so we decided we would keep her out until she coughed up,it came to last calls and one of the lads bluntly told her it was her round and to get them in!?
She comes back after last calls with one drink for herself and the bar now closed,obviouly we were annoyed,turns out she always taught we were just been nice and didnt understand the rule system and was really embarrassed.
The last 2 nights out she has now gotten the first and last drinks in to make up for it...

To sum up to everyone,some people dont know about rounds,some think you are buying them drinks for there company and some people are just as*holes but it is always worth saying it to them.....and if they wont follow your advice then keep them out of rounds and thats it,rounds are a privlege not a right

Darragh29

Well said, and with round membership come responsibilities! Getting free drink for your company?!?!?!? Where's that deal at??? I'm great craic altogether!!!