He doesn't trust me..

LegacyUser · 15-07-2009 12:01am #1

Been with my bf for 7 months, both 19. After being together for about 3 months, I was out one night without him. I saw a guy from college, who had dropped out the previous term and I hadn't seen him since. Said hi to him and had a chat, he was very drunk. Out of nowhere then he kissed me (I have never had any reason to believe he liked me in that way before this). I pulled away and left. I was very upset, I thought I must have given him signals or something, and that I had not realised signals he must have been giving me because I too had had a bit to drink.
I made the decision to tell my boyfriend even though my friends told me not to, because I was worried that a friend of his could have seen and a warped version of things could get back to my bf. It was absolutely nothing and decided that the best thing to do would be to be honest. I told him the next day, he was great, said he believed me. A few days later he brought it up again and we had a fight about it, basically he asked me if I liked someone else out of nowhere. I knew it was referring to the previous night and got upset as he said he believed me about what happened. Anyway we sorted stuff out and it hasn't been mentioned...until now.

Two weeks ago we went on a weekend away with my friends. I was talking to a friend when a guy comes up and talks to us, asked us where we were from etc. We told him, he chatted for literally about 2 minutes and then said hope we have a good night and went back to his mates. Didn't think any more of it.
Next day my bf asks about him, I even had to rack my brain to think of who he was on about because it was such a tiny part of the night. Asked what he said to me etc. I told him the truth, he said ok. Last week I was in his house and I was in a bad mood from work and was wrecked and was being quite quiet generally. He goes crazy asking me what's wrong, and says he's really worried because the last time I was like this was when I had to tell him about the guy a few months ago and I was really distant?! I was no different to how I'd normally be when I've had a rough day so to me it seems like this random guy has been on his mind for him to automatically jump to this conclusion. I just told him I was having a tough day (which I'd already told him!) and left it at that, because I didn't want another discussion about someone who I don't even know!

Had lunch yesterday with a friend who was with us on the weekend away. I mention last week to her and she said that on the night in question my boyfriend came up to her saying that I had gone off with the other guy, that he couldn't find me anywhere etc. I was still in the same place with the same friend?! I feel very hurt that he jumped to such a horrible conclusion about me, having seen me talking to him for about two minutes!..and that he went off to my friend telling her this. My friend didn't believe him for a second of course and told him he must be mistaken.

I just feel now like he doesn't trust me, and I don't know what to do. I would never ever cheat on him and I know I can't be with someone who is going to assume I've cheated on him because I talked to another guy, i just find it really insulting and shows he doesn't give me much credit. Is there any way I can fix this? I love him so much and I know he loves me too, I don't want this to keep coming between us..

CDfm · 15-07-2009 8:54am

I have a son your age and if he related a version of events like that to me from your b/fs point of view I would say stop the lights.

These things you posted about happen when you are out and I hate saying it but its the age group that you are in and has always happened so its not you-it goes with the territory.

Your boyfriend just sounds moody and a bit unsure of himself-but that could be because he is young and trying very hard to do the man thing (whatever that is). 19 year old guys are very serious.

Anyway what to do -dont be so quick to tell him everything about what happens when you are out as he sounds overly sensitive. Do tell him to lighten up and that what you need from him is to trust you as you have given him no reason not to trust you and that it upsets you when he acts like that. You dont need to make a song and dance over it but be polite and firm - say something like "when Im out I cant control how others behave and it really upsets me when you behave like this and I want you to trust me more". That sort of thing and that sort of conversation is best had somewhere neutral like go for a walk sort of thing.It something he has to work on and its part of growing up-thats not being patronising but we mature at different speeds based on our experiences.He may be great in other ways and if he is tell him that too.

You shouldn't stop going out with your friends and you do sound very caring.Thats my 10 cents and I hope it helps.

Das Kitty · 15-07-2009 9:31am

Unregistered wrote: »

I just feel now like he doesn't trust me, and I don't know what to do. I would never ever cheat on him and I know I can't be with someone who is going to assume I've cheated on him because I talked to another guy, i just find it really insulting and shows he doesn't give me much credit. Is there any way I can fix this? I love him so much and I know he loves me too, I don't want this to keep coming between us..

Tell him this.

VaioCruiser · 15-07-2009 10:01am

Hi OP. The first thing is I hope you learn the lesson NOT to report these kinds of passing incidents to any future boyfriend. It does our partner no good whatsoever and all it does it salve our own worries. It causes huge upset in our partners for absolutely no good reason.

It seems to me that you have given your BF absolutely no justification for this constant harping back to one insignificant incident. You are both 19 for goodness sakes ! you are not married or engaged or committed to a life long relationship. if he continues like this I would seriously advise you to rethink your relationship. If he is this irrational and jealous now, give some thought to how he would be after a year, or if you considered getting married. Do you really want a guy who behaves like this ?

All the best.

Dazzler88 · 15-07-2009 10:04am

Unregistered wrote: »

Is there any way I can fix this? I love him so much and I know he loves me too, I don't want this to keep coming between us..

im a lad and i was in the same postion as your B.F. six months ago.My G.F. went to a party and ended up kissing an ex of hers.All of her friends told her not to tell me as it was only like a two second kiss,she told me the next day and i flipped out(told her it was over).a few days later we talked and decided to give it another go.The next few wkends anytime id see her chattin another lad i would get jealous and give out.She then told me that if i didnt trust her it wasnt going to work,so we ended it.Now 6 months later ive seen the error of my ways and regret how i reacted.If i cud give ur B.F one bit of advice,id tell him to put it behind him and get on with things.If you tell him he is the only one for you,i dont see any reason why he shud feel insecure.Hope this helps.

Das Kitty · 15-07-2009 10:20am

Dazzler88 wrote: »

im a lad and i was in the same postion as your B.F. six months ago.My G.F. went to a party and ended up kissing an ex of hers.All of her friends told her not to tell me as it was only like a two second kiss,she told me the next day and i flipped out(told her it was over).a few days later we talked and decided to give it another go.The next few wkends anytime id see her chattin another lad i would get jealous and give out.She then told me that if i didnt trust her it wasnt going to work,so we ended it.Now 6 months later ive seen the error of my ways and regret how i reacted.If i cud give ur B.F one bit of advice,id tell him to put it behind him and get on with things.If you tell him he is the only one for you,i dont see any reason why he shud feel insecure.Hope this helps.

+1

OP was right to tell her BF, if it got back to him by other means and she hadn't told him he would have had reason not to trust her, but she was upfront and honest, the mark of a trustworthy person.

Dazzler88 · 15-07-2009 10:27am

Das Kitty wrote: »

+1

OP was right to tell her BF, if it got back to him by other means and she hadn't told him he would have had reason not to trust her, but she was upfront and honest, the mark of a trustworthy person.

not saying she shouldnt have told him,its always best to have an open honest relationship.But whether it was a two second kiss or she spent the night with this other lad(which she didnt),the fella is still going to feel betrayed and will have issues with trust.I should know because i was the same as this guy.

Das Kitty · 15-07-2009 10:29am

Dazzler88 wrote: »

not saying she shouldnt have told him,its always best to have an open honest relationship.But whether it was a two second kiss or she spent the night with this other lad(which she didnt),the fella is still going to feel betrayed and will have issues with trust.I should know because i was the same as this guy.

Oh I know, I was directing that at the people who told her not to tell him these things in future. You would have felt a lot worse if you heard it from one of your mates though?

Dazzler88 · 15-07-2009 10:38am

Das Kitty wrote: »

Oh I know, I was directing that at the people who told her not to tell him these things in future. You would have felt a lot worse if you heard it from one of your mates though?

ya definetly your right there.the funny thing about my suitation was i would have never found out because the party she was at their was none of my friends there and the fella she was with i dont get on with him or his friends.I made a complete mess of things after it happened.

Das Kitty · 15-07-2009 10:49am

I feel for you. We've all got our demons, and it's good to be aware of them. You have to forgive yourself though.

CDfm · 15-07-2009 10:51am

Das Kitty wrote: »

Oh I know, I was directing that at the people who told her not to tell him these things in future. You would have felt a lot worse if you heard it from one of your mates though?

+1 but I do think that she shouldnt feel she shouldnt have to do a log of who she bumps into perhaps I wasnt clear enough.

Das Kitty · 15-07-2009 10:56am

CDfm wrote: »

+1 but I do think that she shouldnt feel she shouldnt have to do a log of who she bumps into perhaps I wasnt clear enough.

I was really on about her telling him about this kiss this fella gave her that started it all off.

No she shouldn't have to fill him on every male she meets, definitely not.

Dazzler88 · 15-07-2009 10:58am

Das Kitty wrote: »

I feel for you. We've all got our demons, and it's good to be aware of them. You have to forgive yourself though.

ah i dont really feel bad for what happened.I just feel silly for losing a good realtionship over something simple.I still get on really well with this girl and neither of us have had many other love intersets since.Maybe theres hope yet,we still text each other evry week but im afaird she will never believe me if i tell her that i trust her again,as i told her this when we it first happened and that was untrue.

VaioCruiser · 15-07-2009 1:59pm

Dazzler88 wrote: »

im a lad and i was in the same postion as your B.F. six months ago.My G.F. went to a party and ended up kissing an ex of hers.All of her friends told her not to tell me as it was only like a two second kiss,she told me the next day and i flipped out(told her it was over).a few days later we talked and decided to give it another go.The next few wkends anytime id see her chattin another lad i would get jealous and give out.She then told me that if i didnt trust her it wasnt going to work,so we ended it.Now 6 months later ive seen the error of my ways and regret how i reacted.If i cud give ur B.F one bit of advice,id tell him to put it behind him and get on with things.If you tell him he is the only one for you,i dont see any reason why he shud feel insecure.Hope this helps.

Congrats on your own success Dazzler. We ALL have these upsetting feelings . . . it's what we do with them, and how we learn to handle them that makes the difference.

All the best.

He doesn't trust me..

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