Words of wisdom please

LegacyUser

I am going unregistered for this. I am in desperate need of help and just cannot seem to find it anywhere. I am a married mother. I am madly in love with my husband - and he is just terrific. There is honestly no better man in the world. I have a beautiful son - nearly a year old! And just the happiest and most pleasant baby in the world. So what can be wrong????

Everything was perfect up until summer last year. We were buying a house, due our first baby and getting married. I was told that I was having a girl but it was a boy. I was gutted. I felt I needed to grieve as I had everything bought for my little girl and her life mapped out. Everyone elses attitude was to just get over it and be happy I had a healthy beautiful boy. I eventually put my feelings aside and got on with being a mother. We had a lovely wedding - and life was perfect.

We had moved in with my parents to save for the baby and wedding. It was to be a temporary arrangement. My husband lost his job recently. So we had to pull out of buying our home. So we are still living with my parents. They just nag the whole time. We cant do anything right. They question our ability as parents and make us question ourselves. We are now starting to turn on each other and I am afraid of losing my husband.

I think I could have coped with all this. It is not that much drama to be honest. Except for one thing - the thing that is playing on my mind the most. We lost a baby a few months back. I was only a few weeks gone. It has played on my mind everyday since. I cannot cope with the fact that no one acknowledges I was pregnant. If I try bring it up - there is silence. I have tried talking to people but no one wants to hear it. It has gotten so bad - every night I put my son to sleep and tell him I hope to see him tomorrow - because I am not sure it I am coming home the next day. I just want the pain of losing everything to go away. My lovely life is now stored in an attic waiting to find a home and I cannot cope with no space or room to be a proper family. I know I should keep going for my husband and son - and I am trying - but maybe someone here can say something to keep me going.

Help me find the light at the end of the tunnel - I am desperate.

Please

SarahSassy

You poor poor pet... You have been though the mill and you may not be in the best position to cope with the stress right now. There is no point telling you how lucky you are - you can see it but just cant feel it. Can you go to a Doctor and see if he / she can help you or suggest a course of action.

Is there any way ye can manage to get rented accomodation?

Big hug to you.

TwoShedsJackson

At present you need to concentrate on what you DO have in life, not what you haven't got. You love your husband and son so work on keeping those relationships.

If at all possible get out of your parents place and into rented accommodation. Your mental health and well-being is worth far more then whatever the rent may be, and with rents currently at a major low, you could find a nice two-bed place somewhere.

You may want to think about seeing someone for counselling too, many counsellors work on a sliding scale when it comes to ability to pay so don't let the thought that it would be too expensive put you off.

One thing seems certain to me from the tone of your post and that is that you MUST get out of your parents place.

Good luck.

sarahlulu

You poor thing. I too lost a baby at six weeks, nine years ago next week, and still nobody will mention it. My husband just goes quiet if it is mentioned. Tore me up for a long time even though I went on to have three beautiful children. The best thing I ever did was to see a counsellor, as I could talk to my hearts content, and it really did help me to get over it. I hope everything works out for you. No way I could live with my husband and kids in my parents house, even though they are great!!

Slow Motion

I agree with the above OP, you need to get out of the parents house, wether or not they realise it they are adding to the stress of your situation, your hubby needs to support you here. WRT the miscarriage, it is a loss and you need to deal with it not just forget and move on. This is the kind of thing that was said to women 50yrs ago. A quick google for "miscarriage support ireland" will bring up lots of links such as this http://www.miscarriage.ie/ I suggest you check a few out an meet\contact others who know what you are going through.

It's easy to quote platitudes but "This too will pass" is true. Just don't fall into the trap of thinking there is no way out of this, there is, it might take a bit of time and hard work but you will get there.

Best of luck

An Bhanríon

Keep going for yourself, as well as for your husband and your son. Don't forget you're important too.

Try and be patient with your parents. It may not be easy on them either, you know!

Write down all the good things you have right now. Your list will be way longer than you expected.

And remember, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. What is important is to open your eyes and realize it's there.

Good luck. (From one who has been through the mill many times, and managed to come out smiling...)

ihazaquestion

thousands of people are going through similar things right now- it's a recession. find a group and join or something. either that or chill out, youre not homeless,.

Karen_*

You poor thing, really my heart goes out to you. All I can say is that these things pass and won't stay the same forever. You definately should seek out a support group or counselling to help you to come to terms with losing your baby. How awful that no one is acknowledging it I'm sure you must feel like you're losing it.

For all you know OP you could be on the edge of a very good period because while life has its downs it also has its ups and its worth hanging in there and not giving up even when the down seems neverending.

skooterblue

An Bhanríon wrote: »

Keep going for yourself, as well as for your husband and your son. Don't forget you're important too.

Try and be patient with your parents. It may not be easy on them either, you know!

Write down all the good things you have right now. Your list will be way longer than you expected.

And remember, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. What is important is to open your eyes and realize it's there.

Good luck. (From one who has been through the mill many times, and managed to come out smiling...)

You have got to get the ball moving on this one. Your Parents took you in out of the goodness of their hearts. That are supposed to near retirement. You are really only supposed to visit them for short terms at this stage you now have your own family.

This arrangement you have with them was only to be working for the short term and now it has dragged out into the medium term. I am not chastising you I am telling you the facts. You have two alpha males in the one house, they are bound to get under each others skin.

You have your husband and you wonderful baby boy and you can have more children. Make a start go to your social welfare officer/health board and say the housing is unsuitable. There has never been more housing available. keep thinking positive and never have two relatives who are not blood related in a family home, there is an islamic law that says something about that and it holds across many cultures.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will get a house somewhere, your husband will get another job when the crisis ends, you can have more kids and you get a sense of relief when you move into your new place. Good luck and I wish you well

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Trinity

OP is it possible you are suffering from post natal depression?

At minimum you are obviously extremely stressed.

Look probably not what you want to hear but i am going to be blunt. You have not lost everything. You have a husband you love, a beautiful baby boy and family that are helping you out in your time of need.

There are people in a lot worse situations believe me.

I have felt that desperation in my life and it took looking around at people really suffering to kick me back into touch, the more you look for negatives the more you will find and you will drive yourself crazy, end up rowing with the hubby risk pushing him away and its a self fulfilling prophecy really.

Sometimes we just feel there is no way out and lose sight of what we have already. You should be entitled to some help from social welfare towards rent if your hubby lost his job

Why dont you focus on doing what you can instead of what you cant it will give you a more positive outlook

I am trying to adopt this approach at present, I'm not saying my position is any worse than yours but to give you an example as i was heading towards breakdown at the start, I may possibly have to move down the country alone with 2 young children (one only a baby) to a strange place knowing no-one cos everything fell apart on me and i cant afford the rent in Dublin and no-one to move in with til i get back on my feet, at first i though there is no way out of this, my children are better off without me etc etc and i nearly lost my mind, but now i am looking on it as an adventure, a fresh start cos if i dont i'll end up in an institution tbh so you can fall apart or you can get up off your arse and do what you can within your limits to make this work

With regard to the miscarriage, i have had 2 and yes its upsetting that people dont acknowledge that you have lost a child, but they just wont understand, you cant make them understand, i was shocked at the treatment i received when i lost mine, like as if i had fallen off a bike and scratched my knee, no big deal!!

But they probably dont understand why you are brooding on it when you have a lovely baby boy in front of you. It would be best to find a support group because unless you have been through it its unlikely you will get the responses you want.

Overheal

Hard Times are Hard. But one day you get through it, and the pure sense of Jubilation is worth all the days, weeks and/or months of hardship.

I can't imagine knowing anything to tell you about your lost child. And I can't imagine anyone else being able to either. I think its more to do with that, then people not caring. They care. But they are at such a loss for words.

I really advise you talk with someone who would have the words for you. Before you Dont Come Back One Day, If I am hearing you correctly.

The Samaritans are a well trained group of volunteers available to talk to youabout any problems or life grievances you wish to talk about. www.samaritans.org or email jo@samaritans.org to get trained samaritan help via email. Alternatively dial 1850-609090 to speak in privacy and confidentiality. This is a link showing local samaritans in Ireland
http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_so...h/ireland.aspx

As for that Daughter you were expecting: she may still be on the way. Just not as soon as you might have planned

Good luck.

venividivici

i feel terrible for what happened, BUT, and it really is a BIG BUT, look what you have got, and not to repeat donegalfella too much, but whom i totally agree with, a beautiful boy, who when he wakes up every morning, most definitly the first thought to enter his mind is his mammy, how many hugs and kisses is he gonna get from you and just how much you're gonna spoil him in general. and your husband, who probably wouldn't care if he lived in an empty tayto cardboard box as long as he had you and his son with him. what you are suggesting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i'm not gonna tell you to keep your head up or everything will be ok soon, but honestly, if through all the hurt you might be feeling right now you cant also see how lucky you are, then maybe we all should give up..

sorry if this sounds harsh....

LegacyUser

venividivici wrote: »

i feel terrible for what happened, BUT, and it really is a BIG BUT, look what you have got, and not to repeat donegalfella too much, but whom i totally agree with, a beautiful boy, who when he wakes up every morning, most definitly the first thought to enter his mind is his mammy, how many hugs and kisses is he gonna get from you and just how much you're gonna spoil him in general. and your husband, who probably wouldn't care if he lived in an empty tayto cardboard box as long as he had you and his son with him. what you are suggesting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i'm not gonna tell you to keep your head up or everything will be ok soon, but honestly, if through all the hurt you might be feeling right now you cant also see how lucky you are, then maybe we all should give up..

sorry if this sounds harsh....

I think these posts are too harsh, just when she reaches out to some one to express what she is going through, people tell her to look on the bright side and minimize her experience she is going through,

sometimes listening is a great thing to do for someone, i suspect the OP is a bit depressed, depression as we have seen many times before on this site cannot be treated with a get over it mentality, she needs sensitivity, love and support right now, later can come the to do's.

OP i hope this thread has not made you feel worse, sometimes it is very difficult to get the support we need from people around us, maybe if you feel you could see a therapist and have someone who can acknowledge you and your feelings and your pain, you need this to move forward and feel better, i totally understand your pain, it is valid and just after what you have experienced, Please fel that there are resources for you to reach out to,


sending the angels to watch over you xxx

LegacyUser

I just want to thanks you all for your kind words and kick in the ass!!! I guess my frustration is also because we have approached so many establishments about help and have been turned away. It is hard to admit you need help when you are as independant as I am - but its harder when you are refused help. Did you know that if one of you work full time that you are not entitled to rent allowance? I didn't. We also earn €20 over the Family income supplement threshold - so are not entitled to help. We went into debt for the deposit on our house - so instead of renting we are repaying that debt. We want to be debt free so it is not hanging over us. It will be one less thing to weigh on my shoulders! I am just so frustrated that the system I believe in (not going to pick on anyone in particular) is set up to help those who will not help themselves. So many people go to our community welfare officer and get everything handed to them. I was told by my CWO that if I give up work - he will give me everything I am entitled to but as a full time worker i am entitled to nothing! So because I want to be a contributing member of society I am not entitled to help. That is just wrong.

There was never a question of me not appreciating my family. I just feel like I am an extra burden to my parents at the moment and that is adding to my frustration. Although I think they would be madder to hear they are near retirement age - as they are in their late 40's!! I just hate putting them out.

I was thinking of all the good things in my life last night. I was supposedly infertile so to have my son is a miracle in itself. But I watched my son sleeping last night and having realised that I may not be able to give him his own room for the moment. And I may not be able to afford designer clothes or expensive toys - but in reality - as long as he has clothes he wont care where they are from and babies tend to play with the boxes anyway!!!

Thank you - for everything. I am going to try be positive and look to the future! I wil see the silver lining in everything. Living with my parents - my son has a close connection with them!! See - it might actually work!

Slow Motion

Unregistered wrote: »

I just want to thanks you all for your kind words and kick in the ass!!! I guess my frustration is also because we have approached so many establishments about help and have been turned away. It is hard to admit you need help when you are as independant as I am - but its harder when you are refused help. Did you know that if one of you work full time that you are not entitled to rent allowance? I didn't. We also earn €20 over the Family income supplement threshold - so are not entitled to help. We went into debt for the deposit on our house - so instead of renting we are repaying that debt. We want to be debt free so it is not hanging over us. It will be one less thing to weigh on my shoulders! I am just so frustrated that the system I believe in (not going to pick on anyone in particular) is set up to help those who will not help themselves. So many people go to our community welfare officer and get everything handed to them. I was told by my CWO that if I give up work - he will give me everything I am entitled to but as a full time worker i am entitled to nothing! So because I want to be a contributing member of society I am not entitled to help. That is just wrong.

There was never a question of me not appreciating my family. I just feel like I am an extra burden to my parents at the moment and that is adding to my frustration. Although I think they would be madder to hear they are near retirement age - as they are in their late 40's!! I just hate putting them out.

I was thinking of all the good things in my life last night. I was supposedly infertile so to have my son is a miracle in itself. But I watched my son sleeping last night and having realised that I may not be able to give him his own room for the moment. And I may not be able to afford designer clothes or expensive toys - but in reality - as long as he has clothes he wont care where they are from and babies tend to play with the boxes anyway!!!

Thank you - for everything. I am going to try be positive and look to the future! I wil see the silver lining in everything. Living with my parents - my son has a close connection with them!! See - it might actually work!

Good to hear you sounding more positive. If I may make a daft (possibly) suggestion! Could you ask your employer to give you a pay cut of oh, lets say €20 as you doing your bit for the economy? And thereby qualifiying you for family income suppliment!

Trinity

Unregistered wrote: »

I just want to thanks you all for your kind words and kick in the ass!!! I guess my frustration is also because we have approached so many establishments about help and have been turned away. It is hard to admit you need help when you are as independant as I am - but its harder when you are refused help. Did you know that if one of you work full time that you are not entitled to rent allowance? I didn't. We also earn €20 over the Family income supplement threshold - so are not entitled to help. We went into debt for the deposit on our house - so instead of renting we are repaying that debt. We want to be debt free so it is not hanging over us. It will be one less thing to weigh on my shoulders! I am just so frustrated that the system I believe in (not going to pick on anyone in particular) is set up to help those who will not help themselves. So many people go to our community welfare officer and get everything handed to them. I was told by my CWO that if I give up work - he will give me everything I am entitled to but as a full time worker i am entitled to nothing! So because I want to be a contributing member of society I am not entitled to help. That is just wrong.

There was never a question of me not appreciating my family. I just feel like I am an extra burden to my parents at the moment and that is adding to my frustration. Although I think they would be madder to hear they are near retirement age - as they are in their late 40's!! I just hate putting them out.

I was thinking of all the good things in my life last night. I was supposedly infertile so to have my son is a miracle in itself. But I watched my son sleeping last night and having realised that I may not be able to give him his own room for the moment. And I may not be able to afford designer clothes or expensive toys - but in reality - as long as he has clothes he wont care where they are from and babies tend to play with the boxes anyway!!!

Thank you - for everything. I am going to try be positive and look to the future! I wil see the silver lining in everything. Living with my parents - my son has a close connection with them!! See - it might actually work!

I can relate to absolutely everything you said, everything, cept i have 2 boys and Daddy is out of the picture.

I cant get any help either, but i was told if i give up my job i still wont get any help cos i will have given up and income!!

Its frustrating and no-one is trying to minimise your problems. But that negativity can spiral out of control so you have to shake it off before it turns to depression

Is it possible to drop some hours at work, to get rid of the excess 20 euro?

Have you tried MABS? They are supposed to be good. Or citizens advice can help you with all your entitlements.

My first born wore only the best of clothes as i had the money back then, my baby wear dunnes and do you know what, makes no difference

A few washes and i pass them along on a free website cos they grow so fast!

Your son has 2 doting parents and 2 grandparents, dont you worry about labels or own rooms for now, he is clean, loved, fed. You are doing a great job and i am sure things will turn around for you, i'll be rooting for ya anyway

LegacyUser

It is all well and wonderful to say that from now on you will be more appreciative and I believe you will.

However, do not forget that you have to grieve. You have lost SO much (the dream of the baby girl, the dream of your house, your husband´s job, the recent baby, the control of your life). All these losses are real and cannot be dusted under the carpet. You need to grieve them before you can move on.

Grieving is a process, it takes different forms and emotions (anger, sadness, etc) and unless you go through the process you will not be able to move on fast.

Like so many others, I suggest you go to a counsellor. Look for one who specialises on loss/grief. Don´t let money deter you. There are excellent people out there. Don´t be afraid to negotiate fees.

Also, I suggest you take time every day for yourself. I know it is hard, especially when money is tight, but go for a walk, go to the library, read a magazine, have a bath. Find time for yourself (for 20 mins a day, forget about everyone else, and think about YOU!) If you are not together, you cannot cope with all the things that life is throwing at you.

You need to build your life again, and to do so, you need to build up yourself again. You need energy. Mental energy and physical energy. How is your diet? Are you eating healthy. I suggest you take some vitamins for at least 6 weeks.

Start with the basics and little by little you will see a difference.

Take it from someone who was in a similar position to your(although my losses were of a different kind).

Peace,

miec

Hi Op

I do think you need to get monetary advice so that you and your husband can find rented accommodation and pay off your debts. I don't know where you live but if you rent, and you are the only wage earner, you will be eligible for a medical card, it is not everything but that is something, or as someone else said you could get your hours reduced.

It is probable too that you could be suffering post natal depression so you may need counselling and someone who can fully listen to you.

LegacyUser

Due to medical conditions I already have a medical card. Great and all as my boss is - he does need me here full time so reducing my hours is not likely - although he did say from October on he may be able to reduce them - so fingers crossed. At least with a medical card we dont have to pay that 2% levy - not sure how people are coping!!!! I got myself a councillor - but one that works in the council. Housing in our area doesn't become available unless someone dies - however - there is a few houses becoming available soon (new ones - no one died!) and due to medical condition, over-crowding and the fact we were going buying our house under affordable housing - we are one of the priority cases. To be honest - I think I just needed to put out there how I was feeling. I needed to acknowledge to myself why I was feeling that way. I have plans that when I do get a house - whenever that may be - I will plant a tree for my little angel! Never to be forgotten. MABS is another idea- although I am an accountant - maybe someone else looking at my budget will do no harm! Thanks for all the advice - it is much appreciated. And all your well wishes - I can texplain how much it means to me. xxx