Will I EVER be fixed??

LegacyUser

Ok, so I'm in my 40s and have suffered with low-self esteem for as long as I can remember. I was abused as a child and did all the stuff they tell you do following childhood abuse - told my mum when I was 20, got great support, went to counselling etc etc. Finally believied it wasn't my fault and overall, telling people was a very positive experience for me.

Went through some stuff in my 30's and went back to counselling and the abuse raised it's ugly head again. And here I am in my 40's and single (I'm female) and overweight and lacking in self esteem again. I want to meet someone, I want to share my life with someone but my gut feeling is 'Who would want to spend their life with me because I'm fat?'. I really thought I had been 'fixed' and that the two counselling times in my life had finally given me self-confidence and self-esteem. But I'm contemplating going back to counselling AGAIN.

Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life talking to a professional about what happened to me when I was a kid and how it has affected my life to date? Will I EVER just wake up one morning and be fixed? Will I ever feel 'Hey, I'm actually an ok person'. Have people been through this and come out the other side? See I thought I'd come out the other side twice in my lifetime...but here I am again and I may as well be 20 and single and wondering why no-one loves me. Instead, I've spent the last 20 bloody years trying to get to the bottom of all this and wondering will I ever wake up one day and have the confidence to feel that I'm worthy??????

Btw, I can stand in a room full of people and talk - no problems there - I'm not in the least bit shy. But I have so many underlying feelings of worthlessness that I have actually stopped myself doing stuff because hey 'I don't deserve to be happy'.

Anyone else feel like this and finally fix those feelings??????

Permabear

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LegacyUser

Maybe you're right Donegalfella.

I know before the last counselling particularly I thought, 'Right, once I've finished 15 sessions with this guy, the weight will just fall off...' Didn't happen.

Funny enough, I don't have an addiction to junk food at all. But I could eat 2 dinners no problem! That would be meat & veg & potatoes..I remember Oprah using the expression once 'carboholic' which is what (unfortunately), I am!

And I agree...I know I should start the exercise and the healthy eating. I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing but then I think sure what's the point, nobody loves me anyway. I have felt fat all my life. Looking back, I only got bigger in my mid 30's - I was a size 12 in my 20's...but I felt HUGE. I don't mean to appear to be full of self-pity here...but that's my gut feeling. I appear (on the outside), happy and outgoing and only very close friends would realise that I have this awful feeling on the inside that I'm just not worth it.

Does it really start when you just DO stuff? How do I get rid of the feeling that I'm worthless without blaming everything on the abuse?

Permabear

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LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

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It's funny you say that.

I only EVER clean the house if someone is coming around. It's very seldom tidy if it's just me sitting at home of an evening. But if I know someones coming, I'm frantically cleaning.

When I was younger, I was MAD about Duran Duran. Well, I thought I was. Bedroom wall plastered in their posters etc...but I very often used to lie there wondering if I really liked them at all or if I only liked them because my friend (at the time) liked them.

When I meet someone - on one of the odd dates I've had in the last year say - I immediately go on a diet and start exercising for him (whoever he may be)...thinking he couldn't possibly like me the way I look now so I'll lost weight. For him. And when it doesn't work out..I'm back to two dinners a day and thinking 'He obviously didn't like me because of my weight.

I sound a bit mad, don't I?

I don't believe that I'm a victim anymore. Although it was a brother of mine who abused me and some of my family still see him and act as if nothing ever happened...most have no contact with him though..but he's still around and lives locally. I don't believe I'm a victim though - I know he knows I was telling the truth (he denied it of course) and that he'll meet his maker...I'm a firm believer in karma.

See I thought I'd 'dealt' with all of this. I really did. And here I am, in tears at my laptop even writing about him...I genuinely though this cr*p wouldn't come back to haunt me again.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think the previous poster is a bit too judgmental on you, I have been where you are and i am an abuse survivor, I actually was in therapy for 9 years, at the start it was my only support and i was only 20 at the time with no family and not many resources, having her to talk with was a god send and worked very well in my life, when i became less fragile i was able to dig deeper and work on harder issues, it took me as long as i needed it to and i am out the other side and i am healed and very balanced and independent now in my 30's.


I know from my own experience its how you feel about yourself that is effecting you, your self esteem and love for yourself needs to grow, you might be afraid to be happy or healthy - i was because it means change.....

Do you feel you deserve to be happy> to you feel you deserve to be thin?


I have to say the book the secret was brillo for me, and louise hays you can heal your life, i wrote out for years the affirmation ' i love and approve of myself' and eventually i got to a place where i believed it,


You will overcome your pain if you learn to truly love yourself and accept more for yourself, here is a clip i always remember bout weight and how when you love yourself all your curves and beauty you will be happy.


I just spent ages trying to find this clip, i hope it helps,

Sending the angels to watch over you xx






http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=6037630

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you so much for taking the time to find that clip. It is just incredible that you posted that thread. I have The Secret. And I have You can heal your life. Both of which have been a great source of healing and comfort for me. I don't quite yet believe that I deserve to be happy or that I deserve to be thin, but I am getting there. I do my affirmations each night as I go to sleep...there are days when I truly believe them..and there are other days when I don't. I know that life is a journey and that some of us have more difficult journey than others...I just really thought I had dealt with this stuff long ago. I think I'm more annoyed that I haven't dealt with it, than the fact that it's actually bothering me again, if that makes sense.

Permabear

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LegacyUser

Hi donegalfella..

I didn't think you were being harsh at all and I really appreciate that you took the time to reply. And I do understand what you're saying..
Never thought of it like that...that my brother had robbed me of decades of my life...never really thought of it from that perspective.
So HOW to I get to that point in my life where I don't allow him to dominate my thoughts...I've done the counselling..I've read the books...they don't seem to be working..

Jafin

Forgive me if I say anything out of line here, as I've never dealt or know anyone who was abused as a child, so I have no experience in this, just want to share a thought or two.
I don't think this is something that can be fixed or something you will ever truly get over, it's always going to be hanging over you, it's up to you whether ot not you'll let it dominate your life, and I know thats no easy task, im not trying to belittle your situation or anything.
As for finding someone to share your life with, contrary to popular belief, looks are not everything so you shouldnt be worried that just because your overweight nobody will want to spend time with you or be your partner.
Now in no way do I have vast experience in relationships (Im just a 20 year old fella), and I myself am overweight, but you have to get out there and meet new people to get your confidence up. I was never confident meeting new people but over the past couple of years going out with friends, slowly but surely my confidence has built up. So if you want a relationship I would advise going out once a week or every two weeks and build your confidence up another bit.

Hope at least one piece of what I said helps you, and good luck in the future.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.

Thank you so much for taking the time to find that clip. It is just incredible that you posted that thread. I have The Secret. And I have You can heal your life. Both of which have been a great source of healing and comfort for me. I don't quite yet believe that I deserve to be happy or that I deserve to be thin, but I am getting there. I do my affirmations each night as I go to sleep...there are days when I truly believe them..and there are other days when I don't. I know that life is a journey and that some of us have more difficult journey than others...I just really thought I had dealt with this stuff long ago. I think I'm more annoyed that I haven't dealt with it, than the fact that it's actually bothering me again, if that makes sense.

Hi Op, I posted earlier with the clip, This is all very positive progress, and this may be part of the problem because having a positive self image is very important, but if like me you did not grow up having positive things reflected back to you then your reality becomes more negative about yourself, like you are not used to seeing yourself in a positive light and seeing all the great things you are actually doing and the progress you have made.


I want to represent a survivor who has had a very traumatic past and who has completely healed from it. I was born in a magdalen home -nearly given up for adoption but raised then by my abusive mother, and regularly sent to visit my abusive father, I suffered awful abuse from both parents, and was bullied and beaten down by my siblings and friends in a very poor neighbourhood, I was then abandoned at the age of 18 and left to fend for myself, I suffered a nervous breakdown and my life fell apart and so did i. I was suicidal had no where to live but managed to get on the dole and find a home but nothing was very secure and i was so afraid, full of anxiety and panic and fear.


Anyway this experience forced me to become very enlightened and i can share with you how i have healed and how i do actually feel 'fixed'. I also felt like 'when will this pain ever end??? Am i damaged goods for ever or what'... I was so depressed and felt life was not worth living.

I read all the books as mentioned before and like yourself i just kept making progress and the therapy kept pushing me further into the deeper issues i needed to confront, it does take time to heal but eventually there comes a time where the issues i suffered did not define me any more and this is the key, I no longer identify myself with my story or my past i do not let it define me, I may have a pedophiles blood running through my veins but my father does not define who i am or what choices i have in life, I have reached the forgiveness stage-not forgiving them the abusive act but i have fore given as in given up my story -where it is brought to the fore and given away, i suppose it was me letting go of it, i struggled with forgiveness for ages but now i understand it has nothing to do with the other person who abused me but it is about me letting go of it.

After i did all the releasing of the pain and came to terms with my issues i was challenged with what i felt was the biggest challenge of all.......to be happy, what if all you knew was misery? how do you know how to be happy? I was also afraid to be happy because it meant i was going to change, I kept creating more pain in my life because it was all i ever knew, bad relationships and bad choices made me feel safe in what i knew. But eventually i learned to trust again and learned to sit in my skin and feel comfortable. I learnt how to live in the present moment because i was not afraid anymore to be with myself and accept my happiness. This can only happen if you love yourself, and no one could love me unless i loved myself first.


Another turning point for me was when i started to keep a gratitude diary where as hard as it was i would try and list all the positive things about me and my life, in the beginning i could write 3 things!!! now i can write endless amounts! but this is very important because if you can only see 3 good things about yourself then this is all anyone else will see. So these were all techniques i used to build up my self esteem but other people have their own ways, but the forgiveness thing is the main thing i would suggest you need to do.

I feel i have turned my life around and made what i went through in to a positive experience, I am very compassionate to anyone i meet because i know everyone is working on something on themselves, this is a gift! Op you have many many gifts and your past does not have to be something that was negative,

I am a very strong woman now and i could handle anything that came my way with the insight and wisdom i now have, I know you have the same gifts in this sense and i know you can over come your past too, as i said earlier it took 9 years of one on one therapy and group therapy, reiki healing, hypnotherapy- you name it i have done it, but i did it at my own pace and in my own time and now i am 31 and it is all behind me, i felt it would take an eternity to heal but you may think your not getting anywhere but as the years pass you will look back and see how far you have come.


Sorry for the long post... I really wanted to share my experience and show people that pain can be overcome, that people who are sexually abused can heal and be fixed, that there is a wonderful life for everybody, beliefs can be limiting in society but if you believe on yourself you can achieve anything.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

How do I get rid of the feeling that I'm worthless without blaming everything on the abuse?

In what areas do you feel you are worthless? Can you identify them individually and work on them one at a time. I know that sounds over simplistic but sometimes the best solutions are the simple ones..

LegacyUser

thank you so much fem fatal..your post has given me hope. Interestingly enough I too was born in a magdalene laundry but my mother chose to take me home...parents were great in fairness..it was just my brother that ruined my life.

You've asked in what areas do I feel worthless?

It kind of tips off every area of my life I guess. For instance, in work I have just received a promotion (based on performance). I'm pretty confident in work...but I keep feeling like I'll be 'caught out' one day and that they'll actually realise that I'm useless at the job. And yet I get promoted..so there's a part of me that knows I must be good..

Social life? Have great friends..don't go out that much mainly due to my weight because everyone will be looking at me...I'm not THAT big by the way..size 18...but in my head, I may as well be a size 28. So I tend to stay in and do very little.

Family? I'm the youngest..don't get on with most of them. Have a relationship with some of them (there are 6 of us) but always feel inadequate.

don't really think there's a part of my life that I feel 'worthy'. I like 'helping people'..I like being able to help people in a worse position than me (alot of people out of work in my area and I'm giving advice etc)...so I feel good when I do stuff like that.

I dunno. Feeling a bit better today..

mam1

First off I would like to say how moved I was by the courage of femfetal all respect to you for your recovery.And to the OP can I just say maybe counselling is not the answer for you sometimes reliving experiances can be too painful and not the right course of action I wont pretend to know how you are feeling with regard to your past abuse however with regard to you feeling bad about your size(18) I personally think too many people are hung up on the perfect size 10 yet not many people are this size bar prepubescent teenage girls!!So heres what I think embrace who you are dress for you, style your hair do your face, buy some fabulous shoes,and then pick your best feature and emphasise it use what you got girl....remember not all men want a skinny mini and on the plus side(geddit) you must have great boobs which I know men really like:pso relax dont let the abuser continue to win..take control you are a survivor and a successul one at that(promotion in work)and next time you meet someone dont go on a diet FOR HIM cos he picked you and liked you just the way you are.So you go out and live girl dont let anyone put you down good luck .

LegacyUser

Thanks alot mam1. Yes, I do have great boobs btw ;-) so I guess that's a plus!!

I think I've been really stuck in a rut. I think I've allowed these feelings to take over and make me feel worse than I actually am (if I'm making sense). I went out the other evening (I've been spending alot of time alone at home) and realised that I'm not the fattest nor the ugliest person in the world after all! Not meaning that there were worse looking people than me, but I realised that we all come in ALL shapes/sizes and looks and its really whats on the inside that counts.
Thanks again for advice guys..it really helped..and thanks for that info about the counselling not necessarily being a good idea - I don't particularly want to re-live the past at the moment (not sure I need to) and again, I guess it's just a pattern I've gotten myself into (feel down, ring a counsellor).