27 and not got real friends

LegacyUser

Hi,

Been debating posting this here for a while, feel a bit silly as I would often be a poster advising people to join a club etc to meet new people but can;t seem to make it work for myself..

Bear with me if this is long..

Basically I'm 27 and for as long as I can remember I have always felt like a little bit of an outsider. I have friends and a loving boyfriend but always feel a bit... on the edge of any group. When I went to college I really pushed myself and actively joined societies and clubs to get to know people and as far as I am aware I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I'm pretty normal person, just don't like sport or going to dancey nightclubs getting drunk, I much preferred the indie rock/band scene in college whereas all the people I hung out with (friends form secondary school etc) didn't so my stubbornness usually meant I wouldn't go out to the nightclubs and get drunk. So I sometimes think did this isolate me?

But that was five years ago or so and really apart from my boyfriend I have only met one girl who I get on fantastic with (met her through work) and sadly she is moving to the UK for college in Sept and I'm really really anxious because she is, when I'm honest, my one good friend. I met her because we both worked with the same individual at different times and just hit it off. There are one or two other girls who I would have considered my good friends until a few weekends ago when I was out in a pub with my boyfriend and they walked in with the other girl I know from Dublin. I was very hurt as nobody had even told me they were going out, and more hurt that this wasn't the first time it had happened. They all looked very sheepish and no one made any attempt to talk to me about anything except frivolous stuff, even though I had been in touch with them via text during the week about different things.

I get the sense from reading this that I come across very poor me and selfish and very "why me?" but I have done so much in the past and recently to make new friends. I joined a dance club and was a member for two years but even after that I still have no ones number. I do work at friendships as the couple of friends I do have I have them for years (as in 15!) but we don't see each other as much due to the fact we work in different counties etc. I do have boy-friends but I don't know why I don't seem to be able to have girl-friends.

I hope this makes some sense. I guess I just need to know there are others who often feel like outsiders.

Nettie

I used to feel like that.

I used to have no real friends. I just tried to be friends with the people I thought I wanted to be friends with ie. the ''popular'' people. They, like your friends are into the whole nightclub scene unlike me. I also felt alone and like an outsider all the time. I didn't have one proper friend.

I decided I needed proper friends. I made friends with other people who I usually wouldn't talk to. I decided that if I wasn't happy with the friends I had then it would be better to be friends with anyone. In one case I talked to someone I wouldn't have dreamed of ever talking to. We didn't like each other at all in the past. Now we're brilliant friends.

I now have 9 amazing friends who I seriously can't put befroe each other. I have loads of other friends too, just not as close. I'm extremly happy I became more open to my options and decided to talk to the people I usually wouldn't.

Maybe this can apply to you? Are there people you know who you usually don't talk to 'cause you predecided you ''don't like'' them for no reason like I had? If there is talk to them! It might be the best decision you make! Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks nettie. Appreciate your reply.

I will be honest here and say I reached a point a few years ago where i said to myself "I'm going to step outside of this way I am in case I'm giving off negative vibes (I was conscious that maybe my reluctance to to to nightclubs etc/places i didn't want to go) was giving an impression of disapproval (which it wasn't at all but I know what I like and cant see the point in compromising and don't think anyone should have to, within reason course, if it were a birthday or anything I would go and fake enjoyment!). No change.

It just confuses me because I'm not unique or anything I'm pretty regular and an okay person I think but just always the one on the edge. I've asked one or two people to be honest with me and tell me if I'm doing something wrong and offensive or whatever but no..

Sometimes i wonder if it just in the genes if a person, my brother is the same and struggling. I am willing to work at friendships, I do work at them but when it's not reciprocated it's confusing..

southofnowhere

Nettie wrote: »

I used to feel like that.

I made friends with other people who I usually wouldn't talk to. I decided that if I wasn't happy with the friends I had then it would be better to be friends with anyone !

That's interesting. What so you mean by people you usually wouldn't talk to?

LegacyUser

Nettie wrote: »

I used to feel like that.

I used to have no real friends. I just tried to be friends with the people I thought I wanted to be friends with ie. the ''popular'' people.

I decided I needed proper friends. I made friends with other people who I usually wouldn't talk to. I decided that if I wasn't happy with the friends I had then it would be better to be friends with anyone.

To be honest I never held any sort of preference for the type of people I would talk to..like it just so happened that the group in school/college liked different stuff but we still got on, to point, then when i met people with similar interests, we still only ever got on to a ceratin level... gosh I dont even know if Im making sense..

Don't care whether friends are popular/unpopular

Nettie

southofnowhere wrote: »

That's interesting. What so you mean by people you usually wouldn't talk to?

Like, I talked to the people who were in different groups than the people I had restricted myself to. I was so obsessed with being in with ''the crowd'' that I didn't realise I didn't even like these people. Sometimes the other people who sit at the far side of the room are the ones you would get along with better.

OP, Of course you are unique! Everyone is! Just pick out a specific thing you're interested in that most others aren't and emphasise it. I used to be kinda boring but when I talked to these other people I got the confidence to enphasise the fact I'm obsessed with colours! I can't wear anything that's not rainbow-ified! Now I'm considered really unique.

It seems you're really trying hard. Just try to talk to those other people you'd not have considered talking to in the past. It might be the best decision you make!

Soul Stretcher

Emmm.. I think I'm very similar to yourself OP. Its very hard to put a finger on it but here's my 2 cents:

1. I was a very quiet/shy child. I don't think I was socialised as much as kids are today - my formative years were in the mid-to-late 80s when my parents where pretty much living hand-to-mouth... what I'm trying to say is that I think in 2009 if a teacher or somebody saw me at the age of 8/9/10 they would say "oh, oh... X isn't doing so well socially.... his parents might need to get him into some hobby/therapy..."
I'm not blamng my parents btw... they were just rearing me the way they, themselves, were reared.

2. As a result, I was an introvert.... I know I was/am a nice/good person but the crucial thing is that my low self-esteem gave off an impression of me as damaged goods and people, understandably, kept away....

3. I became comfortable with my own company and can be quite stubborn about not doing something just to fit in with the crowd- I value my independence. I reallise this may come across to others as stand-offishness, aloofness maybe a holiler than thou attitude....

4. In social situations, I can be like a statue - no indication of any life or passion in me - and this is why people don't want to be shackled with me as a drain on their energy.

5. I've realised the cause and cure of my problems/state is in my own head. I'm tired of trying to fit in with the popular crowd and coming across as boring because I'm just not interested in the same stuff as them.

6. I've started attending a Life Coach, to help me unearth and embrace my passions..... I think if I follow my passions, I will automatically emit a better/more enthusiastic "vibe" and this will draw people to me...

7. I don't really see the point in trying to make friends with just anyone just so you're not alone... that may come across as desperate.... what I'm trying to do is move in the same circles as people who have the same beliefs/passions as me so that any resulting friendships have a solid foundation and not just-not-wanting-to-be-alone-ness.

In conclusion, from my experience, I advise you to find out what you are passionate about and follow it and the friends thing will fix itself....

Hope that was helpful

Good Luck !

Nettie

Soul Stretcher wrote: »

Emmm.. I think I'm very similar to yourself OP. Its very hard to put a finger on it but here's my 2 cents:

1. I was a very quiet/shy child. I don't think I was socialised as much as kids are today - my formative years were in the mid-to-late 80s when my parents where pretty much living hand-to-mouth... what I'm trying to say is that I think in 2009 if a teacher or somebody saw me at the age of 8/9/10 they would say "oh, oh... X isn't doing so well socially.... his parents might need to get him into some hobby/therapy..."
I'm not blamng my parents btw... they were just rearing me the way they, themselves, were reared.

2. As a result, I was an introvert.... I know I was/am a nice/good person but the crucial thing is that my low self-esteem gave off an impression of me as damaged goods and people, understandably, kept away....

3. I became comfortable with my own company and can be quite stubborn about not doing something just to fit in with the crowd- I value my independence. I reallise this may come across to others as stand-offishness, aloofness maybe a holiler than thou attitude....

4. In social situations, I can be like a statue - no indication of any life or passion in me - and this is why people don't want to be shackled with me as a drain on their energy.

5. I've realised the cause and cure of my problems/state is in my own head. I'm tired of trying to fit in with the popular crowd and coming across as boring because I'm just not interested in the same stuff as them.

6. I've started attending a Life Coach, to help me unearth and embrace my passions..... I think if I follow my passions, I will automatically emit a better/more enthusiastic "vibe" and this will draw people to me...

7. I don't really see the point in trying to make friends with just anyone just so you're not alone... that may come across as desperate.... what I'm trying to do is move in the same circles as people who have the same beliefs/passions as me so that any resulting friendships have a solid foundation and not just-not-wanting-to-be-alone-ness.

In conclusion, from my experience, I advise you to find out what you are passionate about and follow it and the friends thing will fix itself....

Hope that was helpful

Good Luck !

I think you're going about things in a good way. Good luck with the future!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I think soulstretcher you've nailed it in a way. I can perhaps relate to your points 1,2 and 3 to some degree. The thing is though, that seems to be different from wht both you and nttie have said, is that i never wanted or was in the popular crowd! Even the bunch I was in in secondary school was known as the, shall I say, slightly offbeat group. I dunno, we went bowling, the cinema, instead of going out etc.

I have tried to relish in my passions but i find that difficult and I'm glad soulstretcher talked about unearthing them. The stuff I like is normal and no different from most people but the glitch here is that even in those circles friendship doesn't go beyond a level. Like the girls I mentioned in my first post, known them for years, always felt a bit of an outsider but went to visit a girl in the UK with them a few months back. But they had asked me because the previous time they went I hadn't been asked and I guess they felt a bit bad (I didn't realise they were going till tickets were bought). It's like people don't want to be my friend and if they do it's strictly on their terms.

it gets a bit worrying as Im 27 and it's a childish problem. I'm not a pushover and have become more assertive in the past few years. And no, I don't smell

Nettie

KindaAnxious wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

I think soulstretcher you've nailed it in a way. I can perhaps relate to your points 1,2 and 3 to some degree. The thing is though, that seems to be different from wht both you and nttie have said, is that i never wanted or was in the popular crowd! Even the bunch I was in in secondary school was known as the, shall I say, slightly offbeat group. I dunno, we went bowling, the cinema, instead of going out etc.

I have tried to relish in my passions but i find that difficult and I'm glad soulstretcher talked about unearthing them. The stuff I like is normal and no different from most people but the glitch here is that even in those circles friendship doesn't go beyond a level. Like the girls I mentioned in my first post, known them for years, always felt a bit of an outsider but went to visit a girl in the UK with them a few months back. But they had asked me because the previous time they went I hadn't been asked and I guess they felt a bit bad (I didn't realise they were going till tickets were bought). It's like people don't want to be my friend and if they do it's strictly on their terms.

it gets a bit worrying as Im 27 and it's a childish problem. I'm not a pushover and have become more assertive in the past few years. And no, I don't smell

I see what you mean about not ever wanting to be in the ''popular group''. But I believe there's always the right group of friends for someone. You just haven't found yours. Keep looking 'cause the friends you have now aren't the right people for you. You say you like the indie scene more than going to nightclubs. How about going to some local gigs or something similar and you can make friends there? You'll find people with similar interests there probably!

cafecolour

Not to oversimplify, but to try and hanging out with the nightclub crowd when you're into gigs is an exercise in frustration - find the gig crowd.

As to the girls - do they have long term boyfriends as well? 'Cause if they don't, and they were thinking to girls night out, then they'd probably not think to invite ya.

LegacyUser

KindaAnxious wrote: »

Hi,

Been debating posting this here for a while, feel a bit silly as I would often be a poster advising people to join a club etc to meet new people but can;t seem to make it work for myself..

Bear with me if this is long..

Basically I'm 27 and for as long as I can remember I have always felt like a little bit of an outsider. I have friends and a loving boyfriend but always feel a bit... on the edge of any group. When I went to college I really pushed myself and actively joined societies and clubs to get to know people and as far as I am aware I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I'm pretty normal person, just don't like sport or going to dancey nightclubs getting drunk, I much preferred the indie rock/band scene in college whereas all the people I hung out with (friends form secondary school etc) didn't so my stubbornness usually meant I wouldn't go out to the nightclubs and get drunk. So I sometimes think did this isolate me?

But that was five years ago or so and really apart from my boyfriend I have only met one girl who I get on fantastic with (met her through work) and sadly she is moving to the UK for college in Sept and I'm really really anxious because she is, when I'm honest, my one good friend. I met her because we both worked with the same individual at different times and just hit it off. There are one or two other girls who I would have considered my good friends until a few weekends ago when I was out in a pub with my boyfriend and they walked in with the other girl I know from Dublin. I was very hurt as nobody had even told me they were going out, and more hurt that this wasn't the first time it had happened. They all looked very sheepish and no one made any attempt to talk to me about anything except frivolous stuff, even though I had been in touch with them via text during the week about different things.

I get the sense from reading this that I come across very poor me and selfish and very "why me?" but I have done so much in the past and recently to make new friends. I joined a dance club and was a member for two years but even after that I still have no ones number. I do work at friendships as the couple of friends I do have I have them for years (as in 15!) but we don't see each other as much due to the fact we work in different counties etc. I do have boy-friends but I don't know why I don't seem to be able to have girl-friends.

I hope this makes some sense. I guess I just need to know there are others who often feel like outsiders.

Hi OP - I can kind of relate to you. I have about 3 friends (close friends) who are great and everything but i can't help feeling like the outsider of the group in that i don't really have the same interests as them (well not to the same degree anyway) and other friends outside this group don't really have the same interests either. I like r'n'b they like rock/indie etc. I feel like i'm not as active as i should be and that i should get out there more but i'm not really into the whole pub/club scene at all so it's really difficult to find things to do apart from that - theres only so many times you can go to the cinema (!!) I met a new friend at work in the last year and she is more like me -we get on really well but she is engaged and is living with her fiance so it's still hard to hang out with her apart from work. I've never had a boyfriend so at least you've had some experience in that department and i'm told that i'm not bad looking but i just don't have confidence in myself to 'get out there'. I would love to find like minded people but at the same time i don't want to just desert my friends because they don't like what i like if you know what i mean because i do get on well with them but i wish that we had more in common. For instance there have been a few concerts on in the past that i would have loved to have gone to but because they didn't like the artists i didn't get to go (i would not go on my own!). Sorry i'm rambling a bit - i don't really have any advice for you OP becasue i'm sort of in the same situation as you but would love for other people to give US advice!

Thanks (sorry for gatecrashing thread...)

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

Maybe it's apathy but I'm kinda going past the random going to gigs alone etc cos been there done that for the past ten years.

My friends all have LT boyfriends as well, which leads me to feeling worse off because it's something to do with me...my boyfriend suggested maybe talking to one of the girls in the group but I find the thoughts of that embarrassing, because I'm going to someone who is part of the group who I feel left out of almost pleading.

I think I may need to work on my self esteem and self assertion. I texted a few people today to see if they wanted to meet for a coffee but no joy yet. God I sound so desperate!!

JamesAlex

no offense OP, but it sounds to me like you have loads of friends, you're just upset about your friends moving. As for your friends in the pub, why exactly are you upset about this. They wouldn't just exclude you for no reason. You must have let them down in the past a few times for them to do that. People in relationships are always like that.

As for making more friends, don't just give it a go in a dance class, keep trying, you will make loads of friends

and try and resolve this issue you have with your other friends

p.s, I had a good friend move away, but with skype these days is almost like they are not gone

LegacyUser

JamesAlex wrote: »

no offense OP, but it sounds to me like you have loads of friends, you're just upset about your friends moving. As for your friends in the pub, why exactly are you upset about this. They wouldn't just exclude you for no reason. You must have let them down in the past a few times for them to do that. People in relationships are always like that.

As for making more friends, don't just give it a go in a dance class, keep trying, you will make loads of friends

and try and resolve this issue you have with your other friends

p.s, I had a good friend move away, but with skype these days is almost like they are not gone

Thanks. I had replied before I saw your post. I know, I have realised how many times i have used the word 'friends' even though I have said i don't feel i have many real one, and that's exactly it. I have racked my brains to think how I may have let my 'friends' down and it always comes back to the fact that maybe in college (pushing 6 years ago) my stubborness and reluctance not to go to certain places etc gave an air of disapproval etc but that was never the intended impression. Plus i have worked on it. The night in the pub was sorta the last straw in a long sequence of events, I had always kept this to myself bar my boyfriend but that event pushed me over the edge.

As for the girl moving, yeah ill miss her like mad but I don't see it as the ned of the world.

Thanks for your honest opinions

metaoblivia

Hi OP! I'm 27 as well and can relate. As a child, I wasn't allowed to have friends over or have birthday parties, and my parents weren't very social with "outsiders" either. In short, I grew up very isolated, with the idea that you saw your friends at school and that was it. The problem of course being that as I got older, I didn't really know how to include people in my life. It may sound strange to most people, but I find it very weird and uncomfortable to call someone up and ask them if they'd like to meet up for coffee or join me for a visit to a museum, etc.
I do have friends and at points in my life I've had a very close circle of friends. But like you, I've always felt somewhere on the outskirts of any given group.
What I've learned though, is that if you want to feel included, you need to take the iniative to include yourself. Sometimes, for those of us who feel "excluded" to a degree, it's not that the other people are excluding us, it's that we're not doing enough to include ourselves. I'm not saying the fault lies entirely at our feet, but it is a two way street. You need to make phone calls and send out texts if you want to meet up with someone for coffee or go to a movie. And you should be as receptive as possible to those who send you invitations. It may feel uncomfortable or desperate (or both!), but if you put yourself out there, people will respond. And also, just talk to people. Don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with a random person. You never know who you could meet and where that may lead.

thefeatheredcat

Hey OP,

Thanks for posting this, and its good to know that there's a few other people out there in similar situations!

All the people that you know seem to be part of a wider group but in cliche of their own, and I think what you're looking for (and I think someone already mentioned) is a group of people that are your own without already established relationships.

Don't feel bad about feeling desperate... plenty of people do the same (myself included) and at least you're making the effort. If you don't get texts back from people, don't take it too personally, as everyone has their own issues that they may be going through that you may not know about.

If you don't get invites to places, it may be that they think that you're not interested or maybe don't know that you have that interest.

Perhaps you make too much of an effort for people?

And no harm in striking up a conversation with a random stranger!

I think that what you're trying to say is that despite having acquaintances that you know through work or past friendships, or other people's friends, you're looking for a real friend... that is, someone who mirrors you and that you can confide in without judgement. Like a companion, so to speak. I'm not sure if I'm right there, so feel free to enlighten me a bit.

It seems perhaps you are missing female companionship to balance the male friends? You never know who'll you meet through them!

Don't worry too much on it though and keep positive!

LegacyUser

That's it in a nutshell again, the featherdcat, cos I wish I could explain myself so briefly. Yeah like it's great being able to confide in my boyfriend, but I would love girl-friends I could really get to know etc.
Today I made an effort. I texted a girl I know and called over to her place and just hung out. Didn't overstay my welcome I don't think. It took balls for me I'll be honest.

When I started back at college this year I was real positive and was excited about making new friends but was out on placement for the second semester so distances grew as I was the only one from Galway and the rest of the class went back home for the summer. But Im really hoping to re-establish something come the next semester. Thanks for all your replies. I'm honestly so so reassured that there are others like me and who struggle. I feel sometimes what i wrote was petty but i hopE it doesn't come across too bad

thefeatheredcat

No worries OP, and thanks to everyone else too - made me feel a little better too!

Don't worry too much - that can inspire negative feelings and gives out a negative vibe.

Being relaxed is our natural state when we feel the happiest, and the happier we feel, the more positive we feel... and hence the attraction of more positive things and people in our life.

Let the friendships happen naturally and don't have too high expectations so that you don't get hurt. Be open to things and just let nature take its course. You'll know by gut instinct if you're on the right track.

And keep your chin up!

lynsalot

Hi OP

I'm 26 and only have 2 close friends. I'm married but would love more girl friends. One girl I've made friends with in work and we talk about lots of things but she kinda pulled away and now we don't see each other outside work. I get the impression she only hangs around coz she's no one else for lunch. I don't know if that makes sense but i'm the same I'd love to make more friends. I can chat to ppl no problem but I get a bit shy when it comes to getting numbers and asking them to come along to things etc. I don't know why. Some good advice here though about joining hobbies or finding ppl with same interests... Think I work better on one to one basis too so it's harder in large groups. I'd love a big group of girls to be going out with on the weekends like i had in college and school.

LegacyUser

If you looking for groups of people with the same interests as you check out www.meetup.com and go to the groups in ireland. You can even set up you own meet ups. Great way to meet new friends :-)

LegacyUser

KindaAnxious wrote: »

Hi,

Been debating posting this here for a while, feel a bit silly as I would often be a poster advising people to join a club etc to meet new people but can;t seem to make it work for myself..

Bear with me if this is long..

Basically I'm 27 and for as long as I can remember I have always felt like a little bit of an outsider. I have friends and a loving boyfriend but always feel a bit... on the edge of any group. When I went to college I really pushed myself and actively joined societies and clubs to get to know people and as far as I am aware I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I'm pretty normal person, just don't like sport or going to dancey nightclubs getting drunk, I much preferred the indie rock/band scene in college whereas all the people I hung out with (friends form secondary school etc) didn't so my stubbornness usually meant I wouldn't go out to the nightclubs and get drunk. So I sometimes think did this isolate me?

But that was five years ago or so and really apart from my boyfriend I have only met one girl who I get on fantastic with (met her through work) and sadly she is moving to the UK for college in Sept and I'm really really anxious because she is, when I'm honest, my one good friend. I met her because we both worked with the same individual at different times and just hit it off. There are one or two other girls who I would have considered my good friends until a few weekends ago when I was out in a pub with my boyfriend and they walked in with the other girl I know from Dublin. I was very hurt as nobody had even told me they were going out, and more hurt that this wasn't the first time it had happened. They all looked very sheepish and no one made any attempt to talk to me about anything except frivolous stuff, even though I had been in touch with them via text during the week about different things.

I get the sense from reading this that I come across very poor me and selfish and very "why me?" but I have done so much in the past and recently to make new friends. I joined a dance club and was a member for two years but even after that I still have no ones number. I do work at friendships as the couple of friends I do have I have them for years (as in 15!) but we don't see each other as much due to the fact we work in different counties etc. I do have boy-friends but I don't know why I don't seem to be able to have girl-friends.

I hope this makes some sense. I guess I just need to know there are others who often feel like outsiders.

Hi Op,
I understand your frustration, I was in a similiar situation(Im a man though). I dont want to give you the old the "join a club" speech. Im sorry youre in this situation, its not nice and most people just dont get it. Like I said im in a similiar situation to you and I firmly believe its down to the environment I grew up in. My family were very closed off, there were never any visitors over to the house. Never even got to know extended family(counsins, uncles, aunts etc.). And when my parentsa got divorced when I was 11 things got even more closed off. Which sounds like im blaming my parents, im not, they did only what they knew what to do. The point im trying to make is that im pretty sure that its not your fault youre in this situation, childhood environment plays a big part in your adult life. For years I beat myself up for my lack of close friends. Id tell myself I was just unlikeable, not fun, too serious etc. But I didnt even notice I was saying this crap to myself, just felt bad when I saw groups of friends together while I was alone. So tune in to what youre telling yourself, I promise its not nice or complimentary.
That mustve really hurt seeing those girls on a night out without giving you an invitation. Ive had that happen to me aswell. I dont think people do such things to be hurtful though. I think theyre just be insecure. And the reason I say that is because of what you mentioned about drinking and nightclubs etc. I dont like nightclubs either and a few years ago I gave up alcohol(Im an athlete and so booze + sport = blah!!). What I noticed is that the friends I thought I had turned out to be not such good friends. And pretty soon I encountered situations like your one were you saw those girls out. Id find out that my friends had been out the night before or whatever but nobody had invited me. I gave up alcohol, not going out. I think people who drink are uncomfortable around people who dont. You mentioned it yourself about people thinking you were being disapproving of their lifestyle. Its insecurity on their part but I also think theyre not even aware of their actions. When arranging a night out youre automatically excluded because you dont party hard or like clubs, its not because they dont like you personally. Even so its a hard thing to take, being excluded.
I know youre afraid of what will happen when your friend goes to the Uk but thats the reality of the situation. When she goes you will be left without close friends. I know that sounds like a brutal and uncaring thing to say but its not. If theres one thing Ive learned is that life rewards facing reality, no matter how harsh that reality is. What im saying is, dont panic, you can handle it. I know its nice to have close friends you can depend upon but at the same time every person is complately ok on their own. So dont go chasing people for fear of being alone, it wont work(trust me ive been down that road). If you feel afraid at the thoughts of having no close friends then feel that fear, let it be. Dont try to run away from it or get another person to protect you from it, feel it and I guarantee it'll dissapate and go away. And when it does you'll be calm and relaxed and I find answers just present themselves when Im calm and relaxed.
Your situation doesnt sound desperate at all(although I appreciate it seems desperate to you). Sometimes you can get so caught up in what you dont have and you forget what you do have. I mean you have a boyfriend, someone who loves you and thats a lot trust me. I dont have a girlfriend or even a family so Im doing this completely on my own. But Im not panicking and Ive accpeted things the way they are at the moment, which has been a revelation. Ive found that things have opened up a lot since I stopped chasing people and trying so much. So dont chase people, do what you want to do with your life, not what you believe will make you friends. The irony is that if you do this the friends will follow.
Hope that helps.

YT

KinaAnxious wrote: »

That's it in a nutshell again, the featherdcat, cos I wish I could explain myself so briefly. Yeah like it's great being able to confide in my boyfriend, but I would love girl-friends I could really get to know etc.
Today I made an effort. I texted a girl I know and called over to her place and just hung out. Didn't overstay my welcome I don't think. It took balls for me I'll be honest.

When I started back at college this year I was real positive and was excited about making new friends but was out on placement for the second semester so distances grew as I was the only one from Galway and the rest of the class went back home for the summer. But Im really hoping to re-establish something come the next semester. Thanks for all your replies. I'm honestly so so reassured that there are others like me and who struggle. I feel sometimes what i wrote was petty but i hopE it doesn't come across too bad

I think you might be the same person as me!!

I have one close friend who moved to the west of Ireland a couple of years ago. I miss having a close girl friend. All our friends are male, well they are more my boyfriends friends.

I don't know if it's just me or forced circumstance but I get on better with males and find it hard to connect with girls, not for want of trying though.

I always see photos and hear stories of girls I grew up with or worked with going away on girlie weekends or having a girls night out. And I always say to them when I see them, "We should organise a night out!" and they say "Oh yeah, I'll text you" I never hear from them and I don't want to force myself into their company.

I'm not the most confident person so I think maybe that could do it, maybe because I'm shy I might seem standoffish? But I wasn't always like that?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, I had almost forgotten I had posted here. I was in a pretty low place when I started posting I'll admit, reading back sometimes makes me cringe, and as I'm a regular poster on boards I read other people's posts and think I must have been mad!

YT, I totally get you when you say you see pics of girls you know having had a girlie night etc, and how they never bother to text....perfect example is that I'm heading to a festival in august with friends, but all males! What's the problem, yeah it's great they like to hang out with me and i hope they see me as sound, but there is something about a girl-friend.

My friend isnt moving to the UK for a few weeks yet, but I think of the fun we would have getting our Halloween costumes ready etc (yes we are that anal and prepared!!!) and we have a stupid laugh at silly things like texting each other about some funny thing at work or something we couldnt resist buying in penneys...this might sound mad to some of you reading but for me it was great fun!

YT and unreg; I've found reading over some of the answers/advice/suggestions I got helped me a bit so might help ye too

YT

Kinda Anxious wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, I had almost forgotten I had posted here. I was in a pretty low place when I started posting I'll admit, reading back sometimes makes me cringe, and as I'm a regular poster on boards I read other people's posts and think I must have been mad!

YT, I totally get you when you say you see pics of girls you know having had a girlie night etc, and how they never bother to text....perfect example is that I'm heading to a festival in august with friends, but all males! What's the problem, yeah it's great they like to hang out with me and i hope they see me as sound, but there is something about a girl-friend.

My friend isnt moving to the UK for a few weeks yet, but I think of the fun we would have getting our Halloween costumes ready etc (yes we are that anal and prepared!!!) and we have a stupid laugh at silly things like texting each other about some funny thing at work or something we couldnt resist buying in penneys...this might sound mad to some of you reading but for me it was great fun!

YT and unreg; I've found reading over some of the answers/advice/suggestions I got helped me a bit so might help ye too

LOL me too! I have a post up in the Arts & Crafts section looking for a headless foam bust :eek:
That's not silly at all, it's fun!

Some of the advice given is good, I'm starting college in september (mature student!) so hopefully I will make some friends there.:)

LegacyUser

YT wrote: »

Some of the advice given is good, I'm starting college in september (mature student!) so hopefully I will make some friends there.:)

You'll be grand, i did it last sept and was so excited about new friends (!) and while things havent gone exactly to plan it's a great opportunity to almost, start again. I'll PM you in the future if I get the guts to 'fess up to my usual poster name on boards:)

Thanks everyone.

Dravokivich

OP, i'm kinda like that myself. loadsa friends, but all from work / school or on the road i grew up in. When faced with a crowd i don't know i kinda keep aside.

Few weeks ago i told myself "I'm no longer going to be that guy in the corner"

So whenever an opportunity came up for me to get to know someone / hang out and have a laugh i siezed it.

It really doesnt matter what people say here, as you've said yourself you'd share advise hoping to inspire and motivate others by mentioning they could join a club, get a pro-active hobby that envolves other people...

End of the day you got to get up there and do it.

But also... i must add... It's not selfish if you want to get to know other people... I'd consider that to be quite the opposite.

- Drav!

LegacyUser

i used to feel something like this. obsessively. then i thought damn it and stop caring over time. just got on with things ..you know the usual life stuff. when i stopped caring, i , all of a sudden had all this free headspace.

i mean if my friends were going to a nighclub. my head would be racing the day before because i had to go. and the day after id be in bits from drink. Even if i didn't go, id have the guilt of letting them down or missing out.

Then i started doing things I actually enjoyed. I was so focused on these things that all of a sudden people were finding me interesting and becoming my friends.

When i was obsesing i would have been mad after people like these asking them to go here there and everywhere ...almost "powerfriending" but when i becamee happy in myself and formed interests of my own, just satisfying myself really...then it all felt into place really.

I don't really know you're full story. but i know letting go really helped me. i saw a counsellor for a period. this really helped me let go. im not suggesting you see a counsellor but one thing she said to me was that maybe i won't make my friends in college maybe it will be in 5 years or 10 years or 15 years but it will happen just relax in the meantime.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

i used to feel something like this. obsessively. then i thought damn it and stop caring over time. just got on with things ..you know the usual life stuff. when i stopped caring, i , all of a sudden had all this free headspace.

i mean if my friends were going to a nighclub. my head would be racing the day before because i had to go. and the day after id be in bits from drink. Even if i didn't go, id have the guilt of letting them down or missing out.

Then i started doing things I actually enjoyed. I was so focused on these things that all of a sudden people were finding me interesting and becoming my friends.

When i was obsesing i would have been mad after people like these asking them to go here there and everywhere ...almost "powerfriending" but when i becamee happy in myself and formed interests of my own, just satisfying myself really...then it all felt into place really.

I don't really know you're full story. but i know letting go really helped me. i saw a counsellor for a period. this really helped me let go. im not suggesting you see a counsellor but one thing she said to me was that maybe i won't make my friends in college maybe it will be in 5 years or 10 years or 15 years but it will happen just relax in the meantime.

Hey i feel the exact same! I was never into nightclubs (hell i'm still only 24!) but whenever my friends suggested going out and i agreed to go (which wasn't often) i'd obsess about for days beforehand - ridiculous really - i'd love to branch out and do different things - i thknk maybe learning to drive will help with that

LegacyUser

Hi,
I have no friends and I have no desire to have any friends. I am married to a wonderful with a beautiful daughter. 3 great brothers and 2 fab sister in laws. my family takes up my time and I don't see the need to have friends after that.
I did have a really good friend last year and did something stupid to end that friendship but looking back I can see that that friendship was taking over my life. My friend (and her husband) were either at ours ever weekend or we were at there's, we went on holidays together and looking back I can see that it was too too much.
So after months and months of thinking that I'm really wierd for not wanting close friends I'm getting to the stage where I'm accepting that that is the kind of person i am. I like being on my own and i love have my family close if i do need anything and right now I don't want anything or one outside that circle.

I know this is kind of away from where you are coming from (you want friends) but I think alot in life is done because of what is expected. The SITC generation dictates that girls should have close best friends. So what I'm trying to say i guess is don't force the issue, you need to accept yourself for what you are, once you do you will have more confidence and you will find yourself with the friends your deserve.

LegacyUser

Kinda Anxious wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, I had almost forgotten I had posted here. I was in a pretty low place when I started posting I'll admit, reading back sometimes makes me cringe, and as I'm a regular poster on boards I read other people's posts and think I must have been mad!

YT, I totally get you when you say you see pics of girls you know having had a girlie night etc, and how they never bother to text....perfect example is that I'm heading to a festival in august with friends, but all males! What's the problem, yeah it's great they like to hang out with me and i hope they see me as sound, but there is something about a girl-friend.

Not to dish out the whole "join a club" speech, but I was going to suggest Electric Picnic as a place to maybe strike up a few conversations with strangers in an indie setting. I'd a great time last year and people were really up for that kind of thing. Seeing as how you're going to a festival, it might be an opportunity for you as you'll no doubt find like-minded people if you go to bands you like.

No need to cringe either by the way, I'm 20 (male) and can understand what you're saying. You've come across as a very likeable person in your posts, very much deserving of some good friends.

zxcvbnm1

Unreg2009 wrote: »

Not to dish out the whole "join a club" speech, but I was going to suggest Electric Picnic as a place to maybe strike up a few conversations with strangers in an indie setting. I'd a great time last year and people were really up for that kind of thing. Seeing as how you're going to a festival, it might be an opportunity for you as you'll no doubt find like-minded people if you go to bands you like.

No need to cringe either by the way, I'm 20 (male) and can understand what you're saying. You've come across as a very likeable person in your posts, very much deserving of some good friends.

Good idea in theory - but lets be real here - it's highly unlikely you will strike up a copnversation with a randomer at electric picnic and end up being life-long friends.

zainabc

hi op im same i have the same problem am 23 and married all my friends seem to be my husbands friends or his friends girlfriends friend growing up i was an outsider was good friends with my cousin and had one good friend but over the years i seem to have fallen out with them am a real people person but cant seem to no how id meet a friend i hav tried online msn and dat but noone genuine i dont go to nightclubs dont no how they would come along lol i guess i thought i wud meet a gud friend through a friend or something

YT

Kinda Anxious wrote: »

You'll be grand, i did it last sept and was so excited about new friends (!) and while things havent gone exactly to plan it's a great opportunity to almost, start again. I'll PM you in the future if I get the guts to 'fess up to my usual poster name on boards:)

Thanks everyone.

Haha! I'm new to boards, well I joined years ago and forgot about it! So don't need to worry about your usual name, I probably wouldn't know anyway!

Thanks for the advice aswell

Good luck!