Issues With Controlling Father

LegacyUser

I'm 19 years old and I feel like my father still treats me like an insolent five year old. If I disagree with his opinion he sends me to my room. Sometimes he even makes me stand in the corner like a disobedient toddler. Often he'll threaten me with violence, although he rarely follows through.

I put up with all this humiliation because he threatens that he won't give me a lift to see my friends or my other half if I disobey. I live in a remote area so it's very hard to get a bus or a taxi to my friends' or other half's houses on the weekend. I know it sounds like a stupid reason to put up with that but it's the only time I get to be away from him so I'll put up with anything to get away on the weekends.

Recently I got a summer job to save for college. Basically, I want to be able to provide for myself and not rely on my dad for money. I don't want him to be able to control me even when I'm not at home by with-holding money from me. I had worked out that I would have enough to pay for both my rent and other costs if I save all the money make now.

However, this dream of providing for myself was shattered recently when he told me that I must give him 100 euros of my earnings every week to pay for his petrol costs for collecting me from work in the evening (another relative drops me in). When I argued that he was only collecting me and not dropping me in and we're only a 15 minute drive from the workplace, he explained that that 100 euro would be money he would give me back during college. I tried explaining that I was already saving all my earnings for college myself but he said that I wasn't allowed to do that and that he would do it instead.

I know why he's doing it. He's doing it so he'll still be able to control me outside of the house. He can say "you're not getting any money this week if you don't shut up" and I'll have to obey as usual. When I tried to convince him that I could save myself I was told that if I didn't stop arguing with him, he wouldn't collect me from work. If he takes 100 euro of my earnings I won't have enough to support myself and I'll have to beg him for money.

I thought I was going to get away from all this in college but it looks like things are going to be the exact same. I don't know what to do and it's making me so upset that he's always there ruining things for me. Could someone please give me some advice? I have no idea what to do.

Sarah W

That is horrendous. Is there anyone - friend or relative - you can move in with to get away from this man? What about your mother or siblings? I can understand how he is controlling you and you need help to get away ASAP.

In the meantime buy a bike and cycle to and from work if it's only 15 minutes and tell him you've saved him time and money.

Jo King

Leave home. Get a job. Go to college at night. Not much else you can do.

LegacyUser

As the poster above said, could you cycle to/from work? This would remove his excuse to get money from you, however I'm guessing he would then say that he wants the money for rent or food. Can you stay anywhere else until you go to college? He is probably becoming worse lately with the knowledge that you'll soon be out of his control for good, so I think you need to get away from him now if at all possible.

LegacyUser

Sarah W wrote: »

That is horrendous. Is there anyone - friend or relative - you can move in with to get away from this man? What about your mother or siblings? I can understand how he is controlling you and you need help to get away ASAP.

In the meantime buy a bike and cycle to and from work if it's only 15 minutes and tell him you've saved him time and money.

My mother doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. She puts up with his controlling nature by obeying him too and she thinks that going against him is ridiculous. She believes that I deserve this for questioning him in the first place.

I suggested that I could cycle to work (despite the fact that it's not a great road) but he still demanded that I pay him money. Actually, just within the last hour he started asking for more, saying that since they don't get child allowance for me anymore, I should pay them for that. Again, if I don't pay that, I'm not allowed to see my friends or OH.

Sarah W

Move out, get a cheap house-share, friends (OH's?) floor. Just get away as soon as you can. And don't give your parents a forwarding address - they don't deserve it. Do you have brothers/sisters/extended family who are sympathetic?

LegacyUser

Sarah W wrote: »

Move out, get a cheap house-share, friends (OH's?) floor. Just get away as soon as you can. And don't give your parents a forwarding address - they don't deserve it. Do you have brothers/sisters/extended family who are sympathetic?

I have considered house sharing numerous times. The main problem is that if I move out now I won't be able to afford college this year. I'll be living with my friends in college and they've already moved there so I can't house share with them at the moment as they're in another county.

If I waste all my money on moving out now, I won't be able to go to college. The frustrating thing is, I have more than enough points for the course of my choice. I feel like his over-controlling is going to ruin my future.

My relatives would not want to start a feud within the family so they wouldn't take me in. I only have one younger sister who, as mentioned, does not get this treatment.

The only option I can see is taking out a loan so I could leave for good. The only thing that's stopping me is the fear of putting myself in huge debt when I finish college. I really don't know if I should do it.

Thanks for your advice on this by the way. Sorry if it seems like I keep dismissing it. I really appreciate the suggestions.

stepbar

The only solution is to move out and cut off all contact with your parents until they see sense. You're an adult, stop putting up with this sh1te.

tanyaog2007

get out quick its only going to get u down more and more each day, try get a shared room it prob wont be more then 100e and if it is its well worth it not givn it to your father:mad: . hope all works out for u x

LegacyUser

You're not going to have money anyway if you have to give your Dad the money he's looking for, so you may as well spend it on a house share rather than give it to him. What about your mams relatives if your dads side of the family dont want to get into a family feud? Also whenever you do move out, please be sure to keep an eye out for your sister in case he starts treating her the way he's now treating you.

Sarah W

Only you can judge how bad it is. From what you say (he only 'rarely' follows though with physical violence) personally I'd rather live in a room share and flip burgers than put up with that ****e. But it is up to you. Just be aware that you have choices.

Wagon

Personally, ill put getting the hell out of there first priority over college. You can tell that greedy fúcker there's no way he's getting cent after you leave the house. i know college is important and all that but moving out is a LOT more important in this case mate.

niceoneted

What an awful situation you are in. Where are you planning to go to college? I always think I would love to help someone like you if I could.
I think if you can at all move out. Appeal to one of your relatives again. I know if one of my nieces or nephews came to me with this issue I would have no hesitation in having them move in whether my sibling would ever talk to me or not I would not care. Child comes first even if your 19. Good luck.

jen_23

Hey OP,

Sounds like your in an awful position.

I'm not sure you would get a loan without someone going guarantor for you? I know when I was in 4th year of college my mom had to sign for me to get the loan but I didn't want to work through 4th year so it may have been because I didn't have a job...

Could you apply for a grant? Since your'e leaving home to go to college you may be able to get one. Atleast that would take care of your fees anyway.

Also why not start looking at nearby shops/tescos/dunnes to the college you will be attending and get a part-time job?
Many students get part time jobs and still manage to get through college just fine (I did 1st-3rd year anyway)

I would get out of that house as soon as you can. If you have to hand up 100+ every week to your Dad it's pointless staying there to work as your'e prob not being left with much after it all anyway. And you would always find a cheap room somewhere for 50/60 euro a week. (small but your own )

Best of luck! And remember this contol over you won't last. He's only getting worse now because he knows he's losing control and he's trying every trick to keep it. Don't allow him!

jprender

You have got about 8 weeks or so before college starts.

I say, dont pay him any money, tell him you are saving for college so that you wont be a financial burden on the family.

If he doesnt give you a lift anywhere, so what ? Show him that you are not that reliant on him. Walk home from work if you have to.

If he throws you out of the house, then you have even more reason not to contact him again.

It is only 8 weeks or so and then you are free.

Nevyn

Take a year out, defer your college course, get a full time job, move out work and save and then take up your college course and work part time.

Take the year or even two to get yourself out of that toxic situation and away from him.

nayorleck114

Do what I did, I left home at 18 and did not speak to him for 8 years.(was hard on my MUM) Man if you are 19 you have to take control of your life and move on. My father never had a good word to say about me when I lived at home. (It was mainly to do with his issues drink and other problems than me) If you are not happy leave, take a year off, go to austrialia. There are always options.

Oh The Humanity

Get out.

Never let anyone control you. You are an adult now and you dont have to 'obey' anyone except the law.

Your situation is untenable.

Your Mother is enabling this controlling monster.

At 19 you have full volition in your own life. Take it and go.

LegacyUser

Please take a second to work this out. Put up with the hell for now and when you are strong enough to survive on your own then leave. Get the education first or you never will. Take the pain now.

Penn

I agree with most of the other posters here. He's trying to get money out of you in order to control you. So take his control away. Move out. Even if it means you might have to get a full time job and defer college for a year, if you stay, you'll most likely never be able to get out of his control because the same thing will happen next summer and the summer after that.

Lots of people have part time jobs when they're at college. Its tough, but there are many people in all sorts of situations who need help too. And have you applied for a grant yet?

If you already know what college you're going to or whatever (been a few years since I was in that situation so not sure whats happening) why not visit the student union? If you explain your situation to them, they can help you get a cheaper loan or maintenance grants or something. And they could help find you cheaper accommodation.

Also, you say if you don't pay, he won't give you a lift to see your friends or OH, are they much further away? Could you cycle to them, or could they pick you up or something?

Start showing your independence. Theres a reason you don't get child allowance any more. You're not a child

CDfm

Thaed is talking sense here.

I think you need some proper help annd guidance here.

You might contact the likes of Womens Aid or even Childline and the HSE community welfare office/social work department and move out of home.

That situation fairly sucks and I am a DAd and have a son thats around the same age as you.

Sinall

I know you might not feel very empowered at the moment and I understand that psychologically it can be hard to make the break from a situation where you have been oppressed for so long. I agree with the other posters who say you should move out. Staying in an environment like that can have a very negative long-term effect on your confidence, self-esteem, self-belief etc.

I understand that it will be very tough to actually do this, but you are an adult now and you do have the power to change your situation for the better. It will take courage but you could even find that down the line the situation with your father will improve.

You can actually do something about this, you don't have to remain under anyone else's control. Grab this opportunity and move out and don't look back.

My mother was similar when I was a teenager and I worked my way through college as I couldn't cope with her holding money over me and using it to control me. She didn't want me to work during college (part-time job) as she thought I should "focus on my education" but as I went to college in a different city there wasn't anything she could do about it. I also got a partial grant and she wanted me to give her the money from it!!! I refused as the cheque was made out to me and there was nothing she could do but accept it eventually. I know how tiring it can be when every day is a struggle but you will feel much better when you are away from that situation.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Please take a second to work this out. Put up with the hell for now and when you are strong enough to survive on your own then leave. Get the education first or you never will. Take the pain now.

He's miserable at home and his life is a living hell. Do you really think he'll be able to successfully finish college with this prick controlling everything? Not much of a chance. But the fact that the father only "rarely" follows through with physical voilence says it all to me, and moving out is the best solution.

Get the education first or you never will.

I think i'd put staying safe and happy before education to be honest. Besides i never understood this mentality. If he wants to do the course he'll do it when he's ready. He doesn't have to do it now.

Take the pain now.

Read the first post and put yourself in hsi shoes. Would you actually put up with it?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

iguana

OP, has you considered working your way through college? A lot of people do, I did, as did almost everyone I worked with. It's not always the easiest, but once you get into the habit of working and college your body adjusts to it. I had a pretty decent income each week and would easily have been able to afford a house share if I wanted.

Penn

iguana wrote: »

OP, has you considered working your way through college? A lot of people do, I did, as did almost everyone I worked with. It's not always the easiest, but once you get into the habit of working and college your body adjusts to it. I had a pretty decent income each week and would easily have been able to afford a house share if I wanted.

Agreed. Bar my father occasionally having to give me money for the bus in first year, and a bit of help in my final year because I lost my part time job, I supported myself through 5 years of college and always did pretty well in my exams. Even saved enough during the summers to buy a car during my third year. And I never found it too difficult.

LegacyUser

OP here. Oh and I'm a she by the way. :P

Thank you all so much for taking the time to give me some advice. I've taken it all into consideration and I've decided that I really do need to get out of here. I'm looking into moving to the town near my workplace. If all else fails, I can quit my summer job and move in with my friend's family who would leave me stay until college starts.

I'm adamant that I will be going to college this year because I don't want to put off all my plans because of him. I know he'd get satisfaction in knowing that because I disobeyed him and moved out, I wasn't able to do what I wanted this year.

I'll be applying for a grant soon and I'll have to look into it to see if my parent's income will still be a factor in getting it, even if I'm not dependent on them anymore.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before. It was probably because I was still thinking "oh sure I'm only 19, I'm too young to move away from home." I realize now that I'm not. I am an adult and should be able to fend for myself. I shouldn't feel like I need my parents to see me through college.

The fact that I'll be taking control of my own life and he'll be able to do nothing about it will really be an f-- you to my father. Hopefully it'll make him realize that he can't control everyone he wants to.

And as someone mentioned previously, I will definitely keep an eye on my sister to make sure he doesn't start doing the same thing to her. At least if he does, she has a place to stay.

Thanks everyone for helping me sort out my head!

Sinall

Well done OP!!! Make the most of your life, do what you want to do.

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. Oh and I'm a she by the way. :P

Thank you all so much for taking the time to give me some advice. I've taken it all into consideration and I've decided that I really do need to get out of here. I'm looking into moving to the town near my workplace. If all else fails, I can quit my summer job and move in with my friend's family who would leave me stay until college starts.

Glad to hear it.

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm adamant that I will be going to college this year because I don't want to put off all my plans because of him. I know he'd get satisfaction in knowing that because I disobeyed him and moved out, I wasn't able to do what I wanted this year.

Do what is the best for you, cut him from your thoughts, if even in that way he is effecting you making a decision or restricting a choice then he is still having an effect on you and your life. IF you have to take a year out and work cos it is what is best for you do it and don't give a flying fúck about his reaction to it because it is irrelevant to you in your life.

Unregistered wrote: »

I'll be applying for a grant soon and I'll have to look into it to see if my parent's income will still be a factor in getting it, even if I'm not dependent on them anymore.

Unfortunately it is until you are 23 and there are a lot of forums which have to be signed by both you and your parents and mortgage statements and p60s are needed and he could well try to with hold all and any information from you.

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't know why I didn't think of this before. It was probably because I was still thinking "oh sure I'm only 19, I'm too young to move away from home." I realize now that I'm not. I am an adult and should be able to fend for myself. I shouldn't feel like I need my parents to see me through college.

Congratulations on figuring out you have your own two feet and can stand on them, certainly at times it won't be easy but you should not have to suffer that level of mental and emotional abuse in your own home you are an adult and not a bold child.

Unregistered wrote: »

The fact that I'll be taking control of my own life and he'll be able to do nothing about it will really be an f-- you to my father. Hopefully it'll make him realize that he can't control everyone he wants to.

Do it for your sake, let him sort himself out, don't do things and consider the impact it will have on him, I know it's hard but you have to cut him from your toughts in that way or else he will always be in your head and that type of thinking can get very toxic.

Unregistered wrote: »

And as someone mentioned previously, I will definitely keep an eye on my sister to make sure he doesn't start doing the same thing to her. At least if he does, she has a place to stay.

Thanks everyone for helping me sort out my head!

Good luck to you.

Jo King

Use your mobile phone to record any threats of violence. Report them and any actual violence to the guards. You can apply to the Court Clerk in the District Court for a safety order if you are under threat of violence. Most bullies
back off when confronted.

Moomoo1

I'd be really careful about it OP. Parents can do some desperate things in this situation, so it's imperative that you don't set this up as a confrontation, no matter how tempting this is. Just say 'I've thought about what you have said and I realised that I am very wrong to be such a burden on you and Mother, and therefore I am moving out'. Or something clever in that vein. Maybe say this after you've actually moved out, so that the move-out does not start resembling a scene from a soap opera.

Because the reality is, you'll still probably need your parents' cooperation for certain things (like loan or grant applications etc etc).

And as other people said, remember that a college education is all-important.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Mulan

Hi OP, don't forget about your sister. She's next up to the plate and it could end up worse for her.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in a similar situation and due to no family or finances, i could not get myself into college after school like i had hoped,

I did however work and so some pre courses till i was 23 and then i got into third level college as a mature student, at this time you are classed as independent from your parents and there is a very good grant and rent relief and btea allowance available, well there was 3 years ago!

Sounds like your been driven to grow up and be independent quite fast, sorry to hear that your family are being so unsupportive of you, your education will be your ticket to freedom,

If you can get out of that house and away from your dad do because when someone is manipulating you it can have very bad effects on you emotionally. Be prepared to be challenged by many family members laying down the guilt but do not succumb, stay strong for yourself, its your life and you are in the driving seat of it! G'luck.

LegacyUser

Mulan wrote: »

Hi OP, don't forget about your sister. She's next up to the plate and it could end up worse for her.

Doubt she could ever forget about her sister, but now is a time for her to be selfish, if her sister needs assistance in the future the OP can monitor the situation but OP be selfish and get away for you right now, dont let any guilt sway you.

CDfm

Mulan wrote: »

Hi OP, don't forget about your sister. She's next up to the plate and it could end up worse for her.

In fairness OP - you really need to look after yourself first and there is a lot of sound advice here.

There are a lot of good people out there but its hard to look at the options when you are being bullied and you are not the first person who has needed to deal with it - its a big step that you are taking.Best of Luck.

Leitrim lass

I'd completely agree with Moo moo1 on this. You may still need his cooperation with certain things. Try to leave on a good note and act as if you are doing this out of respect for your parents.

tinkerbell

I think you've made the right decision to move out. Your father sounds like a complete controlling maniac. That's crazy trying to get you to pay him €100 a week just for a tiny car journey and then expecting you to give him even more, what the hell does he think this is? You're trying to save for college like!

If you can't move out, either do as the others suggest - walk home from work, get a bicycle (if cost is an issue, ask if you can borrow a friend's bike) or if a friend has a car, ask them if they will give you a lift now and again and offer to give them a few euro to pay for petrol. Do not give a penny to your father, he is being completely psycho by trying to ruin everything for you. Also, I wouldn't defer college either. The sooner you get to college and get qualified or whatever, the sooner that you are completely free from his grasp. Plus if you defer college, like you said already he would love that because then he could lecture you on the issue.

Good luck. At least you can get out. Your mother is stuck there until she can stand up for herself. Hopefully your sister won't have the same problems that you had with your father.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, Just wanted to wish you good luck with geting out of there and with getting into college asap. I think that your circumstances in relation to getting the student grant are exceptional and you may qualify if you state your case. I would speak to a local TD to represent you as it seems you have a very genuine case. You sound like a very clever person who values a good education. I have no doubt that you will overcome any obstacles he puts in your way so be positive but please remove yourself from such a controlling environment. Best of Luck, Let us know how you get on,

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi Op, Just wanted to wish you good luck with geting out of there and with getting into college asap. I think that your circumstances in relation to getting the student grant are exceptional and you may qualify if you state your case. I would speak to a local TD to represent you as it seems you have a very genuine case. You sound like a very clever person who values a good education. I have no doubt that you will overcome any obstacles he puts in your way so be positive but please remove yourself from such a controlling environment. Best of Luck, Let us know how you get on,

Hi i hope you will be entitled to the grant, but they may take into account that your parents are still responsible for you, im not 100% but they will want your parents info unless you can demonstrate you are not under their guardianship.