"Let's be friends" - is it possible?

bp1989

Do you think it's possible to remain friends after breaking up with someone?

I'm a 20 year old guy, and my boyfriend broke up with me on Thursday. I was, and still am, very much in love with him. It was my first relationship and I'm finding really it hard to not think of him. I spoke to my sister and she said I'll only get over him if I cut all contact. But the guy and I are still on great terms and he wants to be friends. So do I. But my sister maintains that that couldn't work.

So I thought I'd make a compromise. I told him not to contact me until I contact him, I told him I can only be his friend if I get over him.

So my question is, could this work? Can we ever really be just friends? Right now my feelings are too strong for him to even see him, I couldn't just be his "friend", I want more than that.

Trinity

Your sister is right.

Its going to be very difficult to break contact, but if you dont you are only lying to yourself and to him.

I have been in the same boat (actually currently in same boat but children are involved) and i liken it to not burying a dead body. You are holding on when its time to let go

I was always friendly with exes but not while emotions are still involved, you have to give your heart time to heal, break the bonds before you can do the transition thing from lovers to friends.

The heart doesnt always do what our brains tell it to and its pissing against the wind trying to fall out of love with someone when they are standing in front of you reminding us of why we love them in the first place

But time is a healer so its not all doom and gloom, i hope you feel better soon

Wurly

Trinity wrote: »

Your sister is right.

Its going to be very difficult to break contact, but if you dont you are only lying to yourself and to him.

I have been in the same boat (actually currently in same boat but children are involved) and i liken it to not burying a dead body. You are holding on when its time to let go

I was always friendly with exes but not while emotions are still involved, you have to give your heart time to heal, break the bonds before you can do the transition thing from lovers to friends.

The heart doesnt always do what our brains tell it to and its pissing against the wind trying to fall out of love with someone when they are standing in front of you reminding us of why we love them in the first place

But time is a healer so its not all doom and gloom, i hope you feel better soon

Excellent advice here OP. All you need, really.

Best of luck.:)

bp1989

Trí wrote: »

Excellent advice here OP. All you need, really.

Best of luck.:)

Thanks, and thanks to the 1st replier too. Seems my sister was right.

kev_s88

im going through the same thing at the moment

im 20 and broke up with my GF last month...unfortunately were in college together and share the majority of classes together. we were best friends before we went out and it turned out that i was a lot more in love with her than she was with me...shes away with her family for the whole summer so its giving me some time to myself to get over things...but i know its gonna be horrible when we get back to college...

we decided not to have any contact until she came home and see then if we can still get on as friends...i really cant see us being the same but as they say "time heals all wounds"...which im really praying is true cause i wanna still be her friend and she means a lot to me

just give it some space and see how you feel in a few weeks or a month...if you feel better about things then get in touch...if not then keep waiting and see if you ever do feel comfortable about it all

Tar.Aldarion

It's a hard position to be in mate, god I know. I wish you the best at remaining friends with him. You are in love with him at the moment and it probably pains you to think about it, I think you need some time alone to think about it and see how long it takes to get over him. Hoepfully you are not as obsessive as moi. Good luck.

Time out

Agree with your sister - simply cant be friend with an ex. Yes ye can be on speaking terms and be nice when meet or send each other a Happy Birthday text (!) but in my experience friendship in the true sense of the word does not work between ex es.

Terodil

I guess it depends on what you both put into it and how you're wired. I know I couldn't.

Barracudaincork

IMO you cant be friends, you cant act like and do the stuff friends do as you feel to much. As a guide to how i feel if i break up with someone and i can remain friends is how i feel if i thought they were with someone else and if it bothered me i couldnt remain friends, if it didnt i could.

Friends share their lifes, but not as much as a couple, you will just be an onlooker in his life, wishing you were the number one person he shares his life with and not the friend. Dont put yourself through it, cut contact and move on, as hard as that will be now, it will be harder in the long run if you dont.

Best of luck!

Tar.Aldarion

Yes, since it seems impossible to not be realllllllly bothered if they go out with somebody else it will be difficult to be friends. You are in love with them, they are not in love with you, you probably want to hold their hand, be intimate with them etc. It might take years to get past that before you can be friends. I'm sure you could act civil to each other but you can't be friends with your best friend anymore and it sucks. in my opinion...

I'm sure everybody is different and you might be able to get past it.

volker 991

Hi , i hope it works out for you,let me tell you friends is possible....
My ex of over 4.5years broke up with me last may,i guess i have to say i seen it comming as we went thru a funny patch ealyer in the year...but hey you never know until it there "right"!!!
So let me make a long story short.
As we have dogs together it was always that we had to remain on good terms.But to be honest(i hope she does not read this) it has taken me a good year well almost to accept she is gone for good and want come back.
we had been in contact all the time due to the dogs ,i was always hoping even so i had a new partner she would come back.
anyway by the beginning of this year something happen (i was single at the time) in my head and from there on we are good friends ,talk about all things fiends talk of and have gone out on lunch i have to say Time does heal,i am very happy and proud to have been her boyfriend and NOW even more to be her friend ,as that shows to me we always had a lot in commen,is that not the reason to be with some one in the first place.
So you will get over him and be friends i think,in time,then you know you liked him for what he is and not just fancied him in a sexual way.
GOOD LUCK>>>TIME WILL Heal>>>>>

Tar.Aldarion

Good to know at least somebody remained friends, hope for you op. :P

volker 991

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

Good to know at least somebody remained friends, hope for you op. :P

Let me tell you Tar,its not easy but if you really like some one for who there are and that person likes you for the same reason it does work.
hard work to start with,but well worth it .
:)

Frelance

Its a hard question to answer. In my own experience not really.
I broke up with my ex about 2 years ago now. I had always said that if anything happened i wanted to remain friends as i got on with her so well. In reality this hasnt been good for either of us. Several times since the split we've ended up kissing or more. It hasnt helped me move on and definetly hasnt helped her. (she cheated on her last boyfriend with me) Its pretty messed up currently might make a PI post myself lol

So to answer your question i would recommend cutting contact.:(

Marshy

Recently ended with my OH too. Different scenario though because I don't really feel anything for him anymore. Still, I don't intend to do the "let's be friends" thing.

It will be more difficult for you no doubt as you say you're still in love with the guy.

LegacyUser

It's very difficult to remain friends especially at college

Broke up with Gfriend in college, problem was we had the same social circle therefore we both tried to outdo each other on nites out . .. . ie trying to go off with other people. Immature yes but that is what happened despite each other being our first loves.

Certainly remain civil and chat whenever ye see each other but gradually wind down the contact would be my advice. There are so many yearsy ou have left to live and so many people to meet..

G-Money

I have to admit I haven't read all the posts but I'm very anti "lets be friends". In my mind, if a couple are finished its because one or both of them, for whatever reason, didn't want to be with the other. Sometimes the "lets be friends" thing is a guilt reflex by the person who is ending it as they feel bad that they are hurting the other person. Othertimes, I think it's the person being selfish as they want to keep the other person around as a crutch to lean on/ego boost, until someone else comes along.

I personally wouldn't even entertain the possibility of staying friends with someone. If it's over, I'm not going to hang around and be a cheer leader for them while they go off and f*** someone else. If you both genuinely want to be friends, fair enough. If you don't, then it's unfair of the other person to expect that. In most peoples eyes, it would be the height of unfairness to expect someone to stay in a relationship with you if they didn't want to be. I think it's exactly the same when one person wants to be friends and the other doesn't.

If you both are ok with being friends, cool. If not, just cut your losses and start the process of getting over it.

Monkey61

I am a big fan of being friends with the exes. All of mine bar one are very close friends now. 9 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years and now we are absolutely best friends - this only works so soon though because neither of us wants the other back and are completely happy to hear details and advise on eachothers romantic lives. She, I and my new girlfriend hang out together quite a lot and they are friends now too.

For me, I find it easier to get over someone if they are in my life rather than far away, as a period of forcing myself to confront the worst that can happen (ie. them getting with someone else) tends to force me to grudgingly move on, whereas if I was mad into someone who dumped me and then I didn't see them for ages, chances are the feelings wouldn't go away. That said though, it really depends on the sort of friendship that one picks up post-breakup and how you relate to eachother.

If you are the type to not want to see your ex because it hurts too much then by all means do not force it.Give yourself the time that you need.