Dad driving me crazy!

LegacyUser

Going to try to make this short!

Basically my dads partner left him at xmas for a while and then came back.
In that time I (the last of 3 kids left at home) had to take over house-cleaning, cooking dinners and shopping...

Don't get me wrong I don't mind doing my part but I'm basically after being turned into a housewife before my time! The time around xmas I ended up cooking a xmas feast for all our family - about 8ppl. My dad didn't even give me a thank-you.
Instead I got that I did too much stuff!

Now she's left again and I'm back to resuming a role as housekeeper.. It's driving me insane! I'm so tired as I start work at 6.30 then I come home and have my own bits and bobs to do before I have to get his dinner ready, maybe do washing, ironing, clean the house if it needs to be done..

I think whats annoying me the most is for the first time in ages I'm going out tonight and he still expects me to get up at maybe 9am in the morning and go shopping with him (because he doesn't know what to get !!)

AGH!!!! Advice please????

Agent J

Forgive the bluntness.

Stop.

Stop doing it. All of it.He is a grown man and should be able to take care of himself.
If he cant then he should learn and it is never too old to start. If you keep doing it then you stop him from learning.

If he doesnt like it then remind him that you have alife as well and have done your best over the last 6 months but enough is enough.

Overheal

Shopping trip: what a perfect time to heart2heart chat and convey exactly how you feel.

Sarah W

Simple - get your own meals, do your own washing, etc. He won't starve and will soon run out of clean clothes. Throw a deaf 'un in the morning, or better still, stay at a friends - text/phone him to say you'll be home at some stage tomorrow.

He's letting you be his mammy and you are rising to the role. Don't.

Black Dog

I reckon I am old enough to be your father as my eldest is thirty so please take note: I do the shopping each week, cooking half and half, help with the general housework, ironing when it builds up to be a major undertaking. I can manage the washing machine but it's not usually left to me, thankfully.

There's no reason your father can't manage to do at least some of the housework. Time for him to cop on.

Zangetsu

Sarah W wrote: »

Simple - get your own meals, do your own washing, etc. He won't starve and will soon run out of clean clothes.

Thats exactly what you need to do.

Great advice!

sachamama

Unregistered wrote: »

Now she's left again and I'm back to resuming a role as housekeeper..

sounds like you are taking this on yourself willingly. what is your motivation? do you feel that your dad cannot take care of himself? are you afraid to leave him to his own devices or is it part of your personality to care?

if you are doing it because you feel you have to, then you need to look at that part of yourself. see how it feels not to do it. he isnt your responsibility as long as he is in his full capacity as an adult he is responsible for himself.

maybe you need to talk to a counsellor about this and find out what it is that makes you willingly take on this role of housekeeper?

LegacyUser

sachamama wrote: »

sounds like you are taking this on yourself willingly. what is your motivation? do you feel that your dad cannot take care of himself? are you afraid to leave him to his own devices or is it part of your personality to care?

if you are doing it because you feel you have to, then you need to look at that part of yourself. see how it feels not to do it. he isnt your responsibility as long as he is in his full capacity as an adult he is responsible for himself.

maybe you need to talk to a counsellor about this and find out what it is that makes you willingly take on this role of housekeeper?

You really make a good point. I am willingly filling this role as I feel I have to. I Suppose my Dad has been so good to me it's what I feel i need to do yet I resent doing it at the same time. If I didn't do it I think I might possibly feel quite guilty??? I'm not sure why though as it's only in the last maybe 5 years I get on quite well with him??

I do love my Dad to pieces but I don't want to be mistaken for his housekeeper either. I appreciate all the things he does for me but as much as I want to do my part in the household I feel doing everything is a bit much esp as I'm so tired and have my own things to be doing outside of taking care of him!

outspann

I'm not sure I'd jump on the "don't do anything for him!" bandwagon.

You say that you're thankful for all that he does for you - so he must do something. You in return should do exactly the same amount. No more, no less.

That might still mean that over the next couple of weeks you have to do more than your fair share e.g. if you do go shopping with him, you can lightheartedly say that this is a "training day", that you put a shopping list together with him, teach him the basics etc, so that next week he's able to do it on his own.

robby^5

First off teach him how to cook a few meals, have him watch when you make the dinner and also help out, then gradually let him start doing more and more of the preparation until he can make the dinner himself this way he wont be dependant on you or any other woman to cook for him for that matter.

House work, there is no reason for him not to do any of the cleaning in the house. You have to be blunt about this that he needs to do his fair share, nothing stopping him from picking up a cloth or a brush and doing some housework when it needs doing. Again if he's useless at this sort of thing, show him what to do/needs to be done.

Shopping. This is simple, write up a list of what needs to be bought and send him on his merry way.

I think giving up all you've been doing cold turkey would be a bit much, he is after all seemingly very dependant on being looked after so he needs to be gently pushed into doing things for himself, so give him more responsibility bit by bit.

But to make this sink I think you sit him down and tell him you're exhausted and that over the next while you'll be showing him how to do these things so that he can do his fair share and that its a matter of you not doing it anymore if you're not given a helping hand.

sachamama

just to say, OP, that what you have described sounds like a co-dependant relationship. Where one person displays unbalanced behavour, and the other person tries to keep the balance by overstretching themselves to fill the gap.

you dont owe your dad anything more than the healthy respect and care you would give to anyone in a healthy relationship. you're grown up now. He also owes you the same respect, in an equal fashion.

so yes its not a case of all or nothing, help or dont help. its a case of "do i feel i am respected here". you said in your original post that you didnt feel you got any thanks from your dad. so it doesnt sound like its a balanced relationship.

but teaching him how to do basic chores is patronising, and he will not necessarily change his way of being just because you are tired of the way things are. you could consider talking to him about how you feel. Other than that, you do need to decide how much you actually want to do for him and how much is crossing YOUR line, how much is too much? Take it one thing at a time regardless.

flynnser19

sachamama wrote: »

just to say, OP, that what you have described sounds like a co-dependant relationship. Where one person displays unbalanced behavour, and the other person tries to keep the balance by overstretching themselves to fill the gap.

you dont owe your dad anything more than the healthy respect and care you would give to anyone in a healthy relationship. you're grown up now. He also owes you the same respect, in an equal fashion.

so yes its not a case of all or nothing, help or dont help. its a case of "do i feel i am respected here". you said in your original post that you didnt feel you got any thanks from your dad. so it doesnt sound like its a balanced relationship.

but teaching him how to do basic chores is patronising, and he will not necessarily change his way of being just because you are tired of the way things are. you could consider talking to him about how you feel. Other than that, you do need to decide how much you actually want to do for him and how much is crossing YOUR line, how much is too much? Take it one thing at a time regardless.

i agree with this completly and would you consider moving out atall??

and id give that woman a piece of your mind if she keeps comign back and forth!!!

CDfm

You need to talk to him in a more of a fun way like "Dad - I know you are upset your relationship ended but ...its been a while and you need to help with the housework"

If cooking is a problem then cook a bit extra and put it in the freezer and he can microwave it.

You may also need to encourage him to go out and do things like contact friends and go out to meet people etc- go out for sunday lunch to the local and whatever even if you have to bring him there yourself the first time!!

He does seem a bit down and I have been there with my kids with their relationship stuff. Not the same I know but you know what I mean.Does he need to freshen up his wardrobe get out more etc.

As for giving his OH a piece of my mind - I wouldnt - I would just be nice to everyone.

MJOR

I think you are feeling a little taken for granted. Use the simple approach. As others have said get him involved, you don't need to be confrontational about it.. just a simple Dad can you peel the spuds while i chop the carrots... or Dad any chance you'd run the hoover over the downstairs? that sort of thing.
Teach him how to shop, give him a list and help him out. Six months is enough time for him to have licked his wounds and he needs to learn to be independant

LegacyUser

why so damn selfish. your Da is having a tough time at the moment and needs a bit of support for a change... did he not support you? lol where is the love?

tangerinepuppet

Unregistered wrote: »

why so damn selfish. your Da is having a tough time at the moment and needs a bit of support for a change... did he not support you? lol where is the love?

Sounds like the OP has given so much support she's been bled dry. Her dad is taking far too much for granted.

Somebody mentioned asking him to do certain small & manageable things like peeling the spuds while you are chopping the carrots. I would agree that every time you are doing housework, from which both of you will benefit, you should give him a job to do at the same time. No matter how badly or how slowly he does it, let him do it until he improves. (I will not use the word 'help' because he would not be selflessly 'helping' you - he would simply be doing what is his fair share of the work.)

Even if he is down in the dumps, the knowledge that he is taking responsibility for his own life and making a fair contribution should make him feel a bit better about himself.

He's not disabled (is he?) so there's no reason for him not to comply with fair and reasonably-worded requests. If he refuses or can't see sense after calm explanation from you, then please just move out. He will appreciate your company more when you come to visit.

Whatever you do, keep your head. You're not being unfair, so don't let yourself down by losing your temper with him. You definitely need to act soon though, IMO!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

why so damn selfish. your Da is having a tough time at the moment and needs a bit of support for a change... did he not support you? lol where is the love?

Of course he supported me! probably more than anyone else has and that's the reason I feel the need to do everything for him.
But there is doing things and getting some appreciation and then there also is having your daughter as replacement for a housekeeper.

It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to have no life. I start work early so 6am.
I come home and my day revolves around cooking, cleaning and washing/ironing. ON TOP of my own responsibilities and work I may have had to bring home. I've been going on 5/6 hours sleep every night and I am worn out almost!
I was getting to a point where I hadn't even gone out to see friends - I just felt I was confined to all the chores in the household!!

Though thanks to everyone for the advice. I went away Saturday evening for the night and asked if he wouldn't mind doing the washing while I was away.
I came back yesterday and the washing was done so were making a start bit by bit
AND i'm going out tonight so he knows he has to look after himself. (though his dinner is planned for him he just has to cook it:) )

So thanks for all the advice everyone. Going to start on doing some housework with him next. Though I feel that will be difficult! But baby steps