Family Issues

LegacyUser

Hi, - Sorry for the long post!!

I have a long long history of family problems.

Firstly my parents split up I suppose when I was maybe 16 or close to it anyway. Now if i'm perfectly honest that didn't bother me much at all as imo my parents should never have been together in the first place.

They had quite a violent marriage which usually ended up with me since as young an age as I can remember to when they broke up trying to split up the fights.

I had walked in on my mother getting leathered with a pair of jeans, being picked up by her ears and saying that my mom would have been kicking and hitting him. It was volatile!! And when it ended I don't think I was unhappy if that makes sense. Also because I was the one who tried to break up their rows(I have older brothers who tried to ignore it) it usually ended with mom spending the night in my bed and my dad pointing the finger at me blaming me for their argument..

Anyway besides that! At this point I think from the years of fighting and my dad being very strict (at 16 i hadn't been allowed go to discos) I went a little off the rails which maybe continued untill I was 19. I just went out and partied ALOT!!
I was depressed alot also. I remember being out in a club and smashing a bacardi breezer bottle in the bathroom and slicing my wrist open. all done the wrong way of course there was blood but nothing really too bad it prob stopped bleeding after 20 mins and no-one knew. I wore a wrist support for a week or two so no one saw the scab either. Before my parents broke up I had done this before but not to the same extent and downed about 15 paracetomol which had no effect on me (again no one knew or knows now)

What I'm trying to get at is that when my parents broke up my dad started living with a new partner and about a month later my mom moved her new partner into the family home (But no one had an affair.. cough.. cough.. ya right!)

It was all fine for a while. But this new man fought with my eldest brother alot! Then he moved out to live with my dad.
My mom and this guy bought a new home which was to be my and my other brothers home too.. He kept encouraging my other brother to move and travel..
Then bit by bit in the new house he kept niggling at me.
Little things like If I left a cup out he would move it closer and closer to my room until I put it in the dish-washer..
Or I used to work at 7.30 near where we lived and I used ot get up before him so I wouldn' have to see him... So I used to get up at 7... then he would get up at 6.45... So I got up at 6.30... he would get up at 6.15... this continued until we got to about 5am!! So at that point I used get up and go straight to work without breakfast as it was easier!

We would fight also over him telling me to turn the TV down and little things like that. My mom would always have taken his side!
He would then always use psychology to get at me saying things like 'did I want my mom to be alone and unhappy - obv i didn't so I always felt bad!'

It all escalated untill the point when he took my leaving cert and went into my room (he had never been in my room before unless it was to leave something just inside the door..) and put it right under my underwear drawer. Which really annoyed me.
We had another argument which ended up my mom kicking me out of home and changing the locks! I think I was just 18 at this point..

I moved in with my Dad for a while but then I moved out on my own.

I talked to my mom eventually again but the thing that keeps annoying me is how selfish she is. She really only thinks of herself.
She doesn't really ever bother with any of her children. She always claims she's broke but has a house foreign (which were not allowed to use...) and lives for her next holiday.

It seems thought that when the marraige broke up she started a new life and it's as if she wishes she didn't have burdens of children and he really wishes we weren't around.

Recently we had an argument. I was upset over something my dad had said and stupidly said it to her and i got back this reply 'why do you think I left him' which I got so mad at!!!!

It's been 10 years! Get over it. My dad and his partner broke up and when she found out she couldn't wait to spread the news around her side of the family!
My Dad does everything in the world for his children we are his life.
He put me through college - she didn't help at all!
Whenever we need anything - he's there - she's not!
He's not always the easiest person to get on with but we know how much he loves us.
(although his partner had told me to this day he stillblames me for breaking up my parents marriage - event though I confronted him about it and he admitted he does think that way. That I somehow caused the arguments. (I would usually have been woken out of bed late at night by them??) )

My mother only wants to be around for the big occasions such as weddings and graduations so she can boast how well her children are doing even though through all the years she didn't do anything to help at all!!!
She might get in contact with us once a month?? Maybe less sometimes.

Do ye think I should confront her or leave well alone and move on. I mean she rang me to say (after I hadn't really spoken much to her over the past two months) to say I really do hold a grudge for a long time and she is my mother.
But she's a mother through biology not love... She hasn't done a whole lot to earn that title. She ran off as if she was 16 with a new love and her children no longer mattered!!

Also one more issue. I was possibly abused when I was maybe 6/7 - I say possibly as I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood.
It seems that I just can't remember it. But I do remember a neighbour taking me down a field and doing not so nice things.. Though I'm pretty certain there was never a rape involved..
The thing is I'm kind of happy to leave that in the past and not drag up the memories of it at this pont in my life. So having blocked it out is probably the best for me.
But it could be one of two ppl who was the abuser. About a year ago I found out one of these guys is H.I.V + ... Do I need testing?

Also I fnd in myself that I cry alot. Not when I'm sad or have a trigger that makes me feel particularly low.
But If I'm singing to a song, or an add on T.V. It's like I can feel myself starting to cry from the back of my throat working it's way up.

I don't really know what advice I'm expecting here. I think partly I just wanted to vent and get everything out!

Oh The Humanity

Do ye think I should confront her or leave well alone and move on.

I think you need to distance yourself from your Mother definitely. She failed to protect you children and that was her job. You are right in saying she is selfish. She is. Please ready 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. It will give you strategies to cope with them.

Also one more issue. I was possibly abused when I was maybe 6/7 - I say possibly as I don't have a lot of memories of my childhood.
It seems that I just can't remember it. But I do remember a neighbour taking me down a field and doing not so nice things.. Though I'm pretty certain there was never a rape involved..
The thing is I'm kind of happy to leave that in the past and not drag up the memories of it at this pont in my life. So having blocked it out is probably the best for me.
But it could be one of two ppl who was the abuser. About a year ago I found out one of these guys is H.I.V + ... Do I need testing?

Get the test anyway, i think its highly unlikely you have anything BUT it will return a feeling of control to you. Something that was taken away.

I actually think some things ARE better off blocked out, you know what I mean?? They happened so dragging them up and re-living them is not going to make them un-happen. I think its the minds way of dealing with unresolvable issues. Sex abuse can not be resolved because its too late, clock can't be turned back. Years in counselling is not going to change it.

The modern obsession with getting everything into the open is not proved to be more successful than the mind and body's own solution of repressing the memory.

In psychology these approaches are fashions, nothing more, so do what works for you.

I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

I just read your post OP. And I'm not sure that I have any advice.

But I'm also a mother. I have a little boy.

And I swear I just want to give you a hug. I really do. I suffered abuse as a young child also, and grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I now try to look at pictures of myself as a kid and tell that kid how much I love her, even if her mother didn't.

Life is difficult. I will never understand a woman who has children and neglects them. Never. Not now that I am a mother myself and felt the instant love for my child.

Rejection by your mother is the ultimate rejection. There can be nothing harder to live with or live through. Unfortunately, I just had to accept my mothers rejection of me, because she never changed until the day she died.

But I changed. I stopped drinking. I stopped running away from everyone and everything. I gained self confidence and I began to believe that even if my mother never loved me, I LOVED ME!

It's taken me years to get to this point in my life and my heart was broken reading your post. Ultimately, the main issue is that your mother has rejected you. Learn to love yourself OP. You are worth it. You really are. Best of luck & hugs

sachamama

Unregistered wrote: »

Learn to love yourself OP. You are worth it. You really are. Best of luck & hugs

thats so easy to say and not so easy to do

just because a woman has a baby doesnt mean they treat it right. you may need to take a break from her, to get your head together, so dont feel guilty or dont feel that its forever. If you find you can forgive her for the past and that you are able to have a relationship with her in the present then thats really something to work towards. but if you cant, then accept it and try to heal yourself.

dont go probing into dark places in your mind looking for things to appear, whatever has happened has happened and you are the person you are today, now, because of it. so start here, breathe, take stock of yourself and make the decision to live. one day at a time. once you grow to love and appreciate yourself your past history will be part of you and hopefully you will feel that that you wouldnt change a thing about it because you love the person you are becoming.

and about the HIV test, i think you should check out the implications for your health insurance policy, if you just have a test i think it can affect your health insurance, not really sure about that. but if you are loosing sleep over it then do it and get it done with so you can move on with your life.

LegacyUser

Thanks Oh the HUmanity.
I'm going to get that book and have a read.
I think your'e right about distancing myself. Whenever anyone tries to confront her she goes crazy saying that everyone else is the mental case and she has no problems whatsoever.

She rang me maybe 3-4 weeks ago to remind me that she is my mother and it had been a while since we talked but I havn't heard from her since. So frustrating.

I think I just want to cut her out of my life and be done with her...

Also Your'e right. I agree with not dragging up and remembering what happened. I don't think there would be a point to it. It would only serve me to relive something that I don't ever want to relive. I will get the test just for peace of mind. But I think I'm just going to forget then that the abuse ever happened..

Thanks to the other unreg poster.
It's nice to hear about someone who has been in a similar situation and come out okay from it all.

Hi Sachamama,

Every time I feel I can move forward with this woman she says something usu about how she got away from my dad or something to that effect which drives me crazy!
She's remarried and with another man with 10 years. And she does nothing for her children whereas my dad couldn't do more.
He literally lives for us.

She even told me once after I had a bad argument with my dad when I was in my teens that she was delighted that we had argues because she felt as if he had been 'winning'

Winning what? Winning because he was capable of looking after us and she turned us away.


Thanks for all the advice everyone.