Bereavement & Emotional issues

LegacyUser

Hey Guys. So here’s my story, I’m looking for encouragement, advice and your stories to help me along. Would be glad of any help I can receive from you guys as I’m at a stage where I really want to figure this stuff out.

Without going into too much detail, I have had numerous bereavements in the last few years, just one after another. When I was younger there were bereavements in my family and I’ve always known that you can come through them, that you just need to give yourself the time to get to the other side, go through the motions and that you’ll get there eventually - it usually takes me anything from 18 months to 2 years to get to the other side of a bereavement – I know that you’ll always miss the person and I’m a firm believer that you never get over a death of someone close but that with time you learn to make it part of your life and eventually get on with your own life. But not this time, I seem to be sinking deeper and deeper, as it’s just been one after another the last couple of years – 8 bereavements (3 would be immediate family, the remainder extended family) in the last 3 years. I know in my heart it’s the fact of there being so many which is slowing me down this time and that I’m not getting the chance to grieve for the people separately as they’re all clocking up one after the other.

Another reason why it’s getting on top of me is because I’ve kind of gone into a state of emotional numbness, if there’s such a term, and have looked for one distraction after another to not deal with this stuff. Now that I want to deal with this stuff and process it in my head, I’m not able to, I don’t know how to. I know there’s no such thing as an A. B. C. to how to deal with grief and that you have to go with your emotions in your own time. But, at this stage, I’m at a complete loss and it’s really getting me down as I want to deal with this stuff and process it, but I don’t know how now.

I’ve done a lot of thinking these past weeks and started attending bereavement counselling, just had 1 session so far and looking forward to going back again and I’m also doing some alternative therapies to help me relax as I have anxiety from not letting my emotions out, due to this my health is beginning to suffer, not seriously but all the same all this stuff is affecting me physically rather that emotionally. I guess it has to come out somewhere.

Grateful for any advice or guidance you can give me.
A Troubled soul.

Babooshka

Unregistered wrote: »

But not this time, I seem to be sinking deeper and deeper, as it’s just been one after another the last couple of years – 8 bereavements (3 would be immediate family, the remainder extended family) in the last 3 years.

Another reason why it’s getting on top of me is because I’ve kind of gone into a state of emotional numbness, if there’s such a term, and have looked for one distraction after another to not deal with this stuff. Now that I want to deal with this stuff and process it in my head, I’m not able to, I don’t know how to. I know there’s no such thing as an A. B. C. to how to deal with grief and that you have to go with your emotions in your own time. But, at this stage, I’m at a complete loss and it’s really getting me down as I want to deal with this stuff and process it, but I don’t know how now.

Hiya

You poor thing, that's a lot to live through and carry yourself for the last while. Sounds like you are dealing with it even though you think you're not. It does sound a bit like depression at this stage though. It sounds like you are doing the right thing with bereavement counselling as well, I found it very helpful anyway after a loss. Sometimes it's not just about the deaths but lots to do with stuff you never even thought remotely to do with it and talking things out can just help you see it.

Apart from the above there's no other words I can say to take it away or help you. Except that I hope you get through your dark time, it will get better, it sounds like a particularly crappy phase of your grief turned in on yourself. We all hate being reminded we're not here forever and I guess you've had too many reminders lately, so maybe your mind is trying to protect itself with the numb feelings..you'll thaw eventually. Best of luck

MizzLolly

Very sorry to read about what a hard time you've been having OP. There's been a hell of a lot of emotional crap for you to deal with over the last few years and I think you're really brave for posting about it here.


Having read your post, the main thing that jumped out at me is that you're afraid you are no longer able to bounce back from all the trauma. I think the main thing for you to keep telling yourself is that everything you've written here today is a normal reaction to grief. You know already that when you lose a loved one, it can take a lot of time to pick yourself back up. It's not that you ever 'get over' them or stop missing them, you just somehow end up back in the flow of your own life and gradually reclaiming some sense of normality, looking forward rather than dwelling on the time you lost your loved one.

I think with your case, given that you've suffered so many losses and in such a short amount of time, you're still reeling from the shock. Of course you still feel numb, you've not had the time to process the shock of one death when you've been forced to deal with all these other losses aswell. It's going to take a lot of time to 'bounce back' or to feel a sense of normality again. The fact that you're already able to express that you're feeling that 'numbness' is a huge plus. I know that feeling is probably one of the worst after any trauma, I know for me, feeling numb was worse than being able to cry or laugh or write it all down. You're just dealing with an emotional block now because at the time you simply could not process all of what was happening around you. You won't be 'stuck' like this forever and it will gradually begin to move for you.

You're coping with this situation so well, given that you're already realising your own feelings and that you're speaking with a bereavement counsellor. You may find that all of a sudden, something will switch in your head and you'll want to hear a song that reminds you of a certain person again. Or you'll dream about them and wake up with a strong emotion (happy, sad, etc) rather than not feeling anything at all.

I reckon (and hope) that you're gona be fine. Everything you've described here is expected and I can't speak for everyone else here but I know I've felt numb before. Just go easy on yourself, allow yourself time to look at old photographs and listen to those songs and keep yourself physically well. Eat properly, sleep enough and get yourself back into a routine.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hia

What you have been through is more than most people experience in 40 years of life. You sound so sorted and doing all the right things. Just a query, do you believe in life after death? Do you think that you have anything to offer to people who are despairing in their ability to recover from bereavement from the death of a child or suicide? I am not asking if you believe in ghosts or spirits, but what you have been through could be of so much benefit to people who are struggling to live in this world because of the devastation of bereavement.

The numbness you feel is totally normal, I read somewhere someone likening it to being in a wind tunnel going against the wind. Death is an awful taboo in our world. Awful because it's an inevitability for us all, as is bereavement. I feel you have a lot of comfort to give to others who are in despair of accepting this. The overwhelm you feel may take some time to get through. Enjoy life and sex and adventure as much as you can when you are ready. That is living. I am so sorry for all your losses. Please feel free to discuss any of them if you want. You have so much to give to the living because of these cumulative sorrows.

MysticalSoul

OP, I can relate to this, as am going through something similar - the most recent one not having yet passed, but due to the illness, is not expected to last more than a few weeks, so in a way, I feel as if I am grieving already. I seem to sway between numbness and being tearful. Having had a few bereavements in the last couple of years, it certainly does take its toll.

LegacyUser

I've been offline all weekend so only getting chance to reply now.

Thank you for your encouragement. I know I'm on a journey through all of this and I think (and hope) I'm on the right path with a long road in front of me, but I'm feeling positive about all of this now, it took a while to make a few decisions in my own head about what best way to go with this. You need to be ready to take the next step and I feel I'm at that stage now and wanting to jump right in and go wherever it takes me.

Babooshka and Mizzlolly thank you for your encouraging posts. Good to get that reinforcement and hear that I am on the right path coming from your own experiences.

Unregisted, yes I totally believe in life after death, that's there's a place where we all go to and are reunited with all those who have gone before us. My faith is very strong, it's what helps me through all of this, having that belief that the 'man above' has a plan for us all and once we trust in that, we'll be ok. That is my firm belief. And when my time does come (hopefully not for a long time yet) I look forward to meeting all my loved ones again. I also believe that our loved ones are up there looking out for us and if we ask them they'll help us along and guide us, all we need to do is ask and have trust and faith in the 'man above'. Not everyone's belief, but it's mine and helps me through the bad times. I would love to be able to share my story if it helped other people, but not sure how to go about that or what I could do.

Mystical Soul. I feel for you, I went through that a few weeks ago, and the person belonging to me that passed away was an inspiration to be around. Spend as much time as you can with the person because afterwards you will be glad of that time - nothing can replace it.